Why am i questioning this now???

[Madham]

I haven't been around on here for awhile honestly have been way to busy.
Anyway back to why i am posting, hmmn as some of you who know me i will be 40 next year have a 16 yr old from a previous marriage and a 4 year old with my husband, we lost a baby last year and decided not to try again for a few reasons, firstly the pregnancy was not planned although that's not saying we were any less upset, secondly my age has always been an issue for me, thirdly my children, with my eldest being 16 i feel she needs me more than ever in the years leading up to her adulthood and a baby would some what hinder this, fourthly financially we would struggle with my husband at uni for another 2 and half years and i work two jobs to support us.
Im waffling sorry, i am now questioning our decision to not try for another child but am not sure why, is it because my youngest is at Kinder next year and i miss the baby stage, or do i really want another baby???

Why now? Do all woman feel like this when there children are getting older? Am i silly to think i could have another child now? Is it just a phase im going through? Am i just looking for something that i feel is missing in my life at this point?

I am actually shocked i am even writing this to be honest, hoping that i can possibly find the answer i am looking for.

Thanks for Reading

[myturn]

I have had a couple of friends talk to me about feeling the same.... after a while of processing the "reaching 40" stage.... they have decided not to - as going 'back' to baby stage, is not what they wanted for their future..... they had older children though....

as you still have a 4 y/o - it does make sense that you would start to feel that 'empty nest' kind of thing... as babies get older, I think many women feel sad for the 'infant' they lost.... I don't think it means something is missing...

but maybe you should talk through it with DH again..... just to make sure it REALLY is what you both want.... good luck with whatever you decide.

[LizLemon]

It's hard isn't it. I think we always feel a pull to have babies because it makes us (well it does me anywya) like I am fulfilling my purpose as a woman. So much of life focusses on procreation that it is hard for us to ignore what we are built to do.

As kids grow up it's natural to want to hold onto their youth, or at least to want to keep the youth of the family if that makes sense. As long as new beings come into the family it will continue to be rejuvenated and get new dimensions. And anyway, who doesn't love babies and having them around.

I have come to realise though that while I may have the urge to have a baby, it doesn't mean I want another child. I think the feeling is more that I want to keep recreating/living my current children's childhoods, as opposed to introducing a whole new being/personality into my family. And after all, they are a baby for so little time in their lifetime so really it's a question of do you want another PERSON.

You are rightly considering the impact of another child on your current family and this also has to be a big consideration. Even a mum's strongest desire to have another child should be weighed against what is best for the ones she already has. I know I simply could not give what I want to to my current kids if I were to have another pregnancy and baby.

I probably haven't helped much but I want you to know that I think it's a question the majority of women struggle with and you are not alone. Hopefully you will find a way to work out exactly why you are feeling this way and what it is you are wanting (ie a "baby", another "child" or to relive your children's babyhood etc) and find piece with whatever you decide.

[fionas]

I think, for me, the idea that the decision will soon be taken out of my hands from a fertility point of view is REALLY challenging.

I have very difficult pregnancies (wheelchair situation, body still stuffed after almost five years, may need surgery to pin body back together) and another one would stuff my body up even more making normal life difficult. Despite that, I was seriously considering having another one. I think part of it, for me, is to stick two fingers up to my age and the obstacles to be able to say ... there, I did it. I honestly don't know if I was younger whether I would want a third as much as I did for a while a few months ago.

I guess what I'm saying is it's kind of like grieving for the babies I won't get to have. The age factor brings that into very sharp focus.

[Madham]

Thankyou girls for your responses they have given me some things to think about.

as you still have a 4 y/o - it does make sense that you would start to feel that 'empty nest' kind of thing... as babies get older, I think many women feel sad for the 'infant' they lost.... I don't think it means something is missing...
.

I dont know that i feel the empty nest thing so to speak i do feel sad but more for the miscarriage.


Bugsmum i sometimes believe that i think to much about the impact on my family therefore losing what i want in some ways if that makes sense, all my life i have done things to please everyone else, although i realise having a baby will impact on everyone and in no way would i do this without discussing it with all concerned i know my DH will say its up to me.


Fionas your reflection in your post is a huge thing for me, AGE sucks, after having my first child at 22 i would never have thought i would be in this situation at 39 thats for sure. I still have alot of soul searching to do.

[LuluHB]

I started really wanting another baby at the beginning of last year - right when DD1 started kindy. Not sure if it was being whacked in the face with the reality that my babies were growing up, the realisation that at my age (42 in a few weeks) I was very quickly running out of time, or just feeling like I was finally over PND and in a good place mentally and emotionally, but I became very determined.

I had all the concerns you have, although not the much older DD, but in the end the desire for another baby beat all the downsides I could think of. It was a difficult road to her conception and a seriously bad pregnancy, but now that she's here I am so very glad we did it. We took the view that we would never regret having another child, but we may regret never having one ITMS.

The flip side is that I have a beautiful friend who would dearly love a 3rd child, but they simply can't afford it financially without it having an enormous negative on the two kids they have.

[Aussiegirl777]

Damn age.......it puts so many thoughts into your mind, negative ones too when it comes to children. I was 41 when my DS was born. If things had of gone according the 'my' plan I would have had a child already at 39. I waited a long time (too long) to decide to even try. I was an idiot. After living through our losses and making that final decision to try just one more time I am so happy that we made that choice. But.......I think alot now that I wish we still had 2 children. I wish I hadn't have been so selfish and had of made a decision to start a family earlier. I wish we had not had to go through the difficult, traumatic times with our angel babies. I wish, well I wish so many things. The thing is that I try not to have regret. That is the big thing. If you are going to have regret then I think you need to sit down and put it all on the table and make sure, really sure that you have finished creating your family.

It's really hard isn't it. I wish I was 3 years younger, I wish...........

[LizLemon]

Bugsmum i sometimes believe that i think to much about the impact on my family therefore losing what i want in some ways if that makes sense, all my life i have done things to please everyone else, although i realise having a baby will impact on everyone and in no way would i do this without discussing it with all concerned i know my DH will say its up to me.

I completely get that you need to start thinking about what you want. Being a mum is one big exercise in subordinating your needs to everyone else's. Having said that, in all likelihood having another baby would just add to the number of people whose needs and wants come before your own. Just a thought.

I am fortunate to have never had a miscarriage, but I can imagine that it would be very difficult for that to be the last pregnancy that you have. As if the dreams and plans that you have for that baby will never be lived out.

I wish you all the best with what is a very hard decision for you.