10 things breastfeeding advocates should stop saying

[Samcougar]

Tinks thankyou so much, I have been beside myself with guilt so much these last few weeks because i have been unable to supply my DD with enough breast milk to satisfy her, I now have to FF thanks again i feel a bit better about it now

[Kazbah]

WYSIWYG - here's the other article :


Top 10 Things Breastfeeding Advocates SHOULD Say
by AMY on MAY 28, 2011
Because of the overwhelming response to my post on The Top 10 Things Breastfeeding Advocates Should Stop Saying, here’s a companion post on the Top 10 Things Breastfeeding Advocates SHOULD Say.

1. “You can do it!”
I know, I know: isn’t this directly contradicting #1 from the things breastfeeding advocates should NOT say? Well, bear with me: while we shouldn’t assume every mom can breastfeed, being positive and encouraging with our fellow mamas is awesome. Support and positive affirmations can give a much-needed boost to an expecting mama’s confidence and that’s a great thing! We just need to be mindful that sometimes positive thoughts and will to succeed won’t enable a mom to nurse her baby.

2. ”Use a cover if that’s your personal preference for NIP (Nursing In Public).”
This is a very divisive issue in the “lactivist” community. On the one hand, using covers can send the message that breastfeeding is something that should be concealed. That adds stigma to nursing in public, no doubt, and can be a way to shame moms. Commitment to the idea that a nursing mom should not use a cover can’t interfere with actual breastfeeding, though. If a mom prefers to use a cover when she breastfeeds, she’s breastfeeding. Encouraging her no matter how she chooses to do it is really important.

3. ”You can have a drink or two and you probably don’t have to ‘pump & dump.’”
The facts on this one are clear: if a mom wants to have an alcoholic drink or two, that’s compatible with breastfeeding. If she’s not comfortable and doesn’t want to, that’s okay, too. Most of the time, it’s not necessary to “pump & dump,” either. Alcohol metabolizes out of breastmilk the same way it metabolizes out of blood, so as mom becomes sober, so does her milk. Milk expressed *while* mom is inebriated should be discarded and moms should pump if they’re missing nursing sessions while they’re away from baby.

4. “You need to supplement? These are the options.”
If a mom is saying she needs to supplement, giving her ALL the options are key; not just the ones we want her to use. That means discussing milk banks, milk sharing, maybe even wet-nursing, AND formula. Because as much as we want all moms to have access to breastmilk for their babies, not all of them will (or will want to). Accepting choices for supplementation that aren’t aligned with what we would personally do comes along with offering any advice in the first place. (And of course, if you suspect a mom might not need to supplement, you can always back into the conversation about her reasons for thinking she needs to — after you give her the info she asked for on supplementation.)

5. “Breastfeeding is natural, but it’s not always easy.”
Giving moms a realistic picture of the learning curve of breastfeeding is important. Because we’ve lost a generation of breastfeeding moms, we haven’t grown up seeing it. We don’t know how it works. So giving moms a realistic take on what it will be like is key, and it sets the expectation that they’ll need to prepare for breastfeeding (take a class, see a mom breastfeed in person, read a book, watch a movie -anything that prepares her to be successful at nursing her baby). She should know that there are Booby Traps out there before any of them are staring her in the face.

6. “You don’t want to breastfeed? That’s okay.”
I know some of you are cringing right now. But hear me out: meeting moms where they are means we’re going to meet a lot of them in that exact place. We live in a formula-dominated culture and a lot of moms expect to use it; they are uncomfortable with the idea of breastfeeding and they might not want to. (Ask me, I was one of them!) Bringing a mom who’s on the fence to a place where she actually wants to try breastfeeding means honestly accepting her thoughts and feelings on the subject – whatever they may be – and moving on from there.

7. “You want to breastfeed? Here are some resources.”
Encouragement will only take us so far and awesome resources need to pick up where that leaves off. When an expecting mom shares that she’s going to breastfeed, it’s good to have a few resources to offer: a great book or website on breastfeeding (like Best for Babes), the local La Leche League chapter info, etc-. Having the number of a local IBCLC is great, too!

8. “ANY amount of breastfeeding is fantastic!”
We aren’t doing ourselves any favors by setting the bar impossibly high. For some moms, exclusive breastfeeding is something that circumstances might not allow. In those instances, encouraging moms for the breastfeeding they are doing is key. Second-guessing them, judging them: these negative reactions are going to discourage mom. Could she be doing more to be exclusively nursing? Maybe, but tread lightly: answering “I breastfeed and supplement” with “Here’s how to breastfeed MORE!” leaves mom feeling like she’s not doing a good enough job. Instead, answering with encouragement and then giving her more info on how to nurse more if she wants it, is the way to go.

9. “You used formula? That’s okay.”
I can already see the fingers hitting the keyboard to tell me that’s most certainly not okay. Again, bear with me: If we can’t accept what a mom has already done, we’re not helping her. If she’s used formula, it’s done. Giving her the space to talk about that freely and without judgment is the biggest favor we can do for her. If a mom has used formula in the past and we slap her with a knee-jerk judgment at the word ‘formula,’ we close the door to any further conversation (like how she might breastfeed her next baby, if she’s interested in discussing it). We don’t necessarily have to condone it, but at least meeting sans judgment is a must.

10. “I am proud that I breastfed my child.”
Breastfeeding is an amazing thing! Mamas should own their successes and be proud of them. It’s an accomplishment and it’s okay to talk about it! Sharing our successes is one way to let moms who are on the fence know that this can be done. Like any other accomplishment, there are tactful and acceptable ways to brag on the wonderful thing we’ve done by breastfeeding. It’s a feather in the cap of motherhood; not a parenting trump card.


I particularly like # 9, 8 & 4.

My local ABA asked me to be the demonstration BFing mum at the education session - fully aware that I comp feed with formula! Now *that's* what I call acceptance

[BellyBelly]

Well is this something you just want FF mothers to hear? From my perspective, it's like saying, 'Yeah, them bf advocates, they shouldnt say this to us!' whereas if it was in the general forums its sharing with all, and saying, hey I agree with this, its great info... But it's just my own thoughts, not a judgement, I was asking a question.

All the support groups have been kept private (i.e. you need to be a member or request to be in the group, not a random internet visitor), as before we even started the group (yes we did it so FF'ers could help support one another) they felt attacked and judged and wanted their own space, so I did my best to have a little place for you here on BB.

Everyone seems to be focusing on how they're being treated and not appreciating the efforts we do make to help. If you look at it from our perspective, it was something we did to help you and provide you with what you need, but then you're just disappointed for whatever you get.

I have no problems in making it open. But it was done that way from the VERY beginning for a purpose to support YOU from what you said you were sick of. I never contribute to any threads in here bar this one.

[Tinks]

Well is this something you just want FF mothers to hear? From my perspective, it's like saying, 'Yeah, them bf advocates, they shouldnt say this to us!' whereas if it was in the general forums its sharing with all, and saying, hey I agree with this, its great info... But it's just my own thoughts, not a judgement, I was asking a question.

All the support groups have been kept private (i.e. you need to be a member or request to be in the group, not a random internet visitor), as before we even started the group (yes we did it so FF'ers could help support one another) they felt attacked and judged and wanted their own space, so I did my best to have a little place for you here on BB.

Everyone seems to be focusing on how they're being treated and not appreciating the efforts we do make to help. If you look at it from our perspective, it was something we did to help you and provide you with what you need, but then you're just disappointed for whatever you get.

I have no problems in making it open. But it was done that way from the VERY beginning for a purpose to support YOU from what you said you were sick of. I never contribute to any threads in here bar this one.

Like I said earlier, I am happy for you to move this to a more suitable forum.

[~StarBright~]

I like both the articles! I think its time that as women and especially as mums that we all try to support eachother regardless of how we feed our children!! We all deserve the right to feel validated and supported in what we do.

As someone who has done both - I am guilty of saying alot of the things in the first article to new mums. Breastfeeding with DS started off a little shaky (thrush cracked nipples and bad attachment), but i persisted and fed him for nearly 16 months. I would tell everyone how great it was!! And I never outwardly crticised a formula feeding mum, but i did think that some hadnt "bothered" trying to breast feed or where formula feeding for the wrong reason.

Then i had DD, for the first few months she fed great, again attachment issues (big nipples like a previous poster) but we got through them.. then at about 4 months my supply dropped, i tried the fenigreek (sp) I drank more water, I called the ABA and didnt get much help. I struggled for weeks and meanwhile DD was hungry, lossing weight and not wee-ing. So instead of being sooo persistant in my beleif to her detriment... i bought some formula. She is now a happy formula fed baby, and while i curse that for me the convieniance of Breast feeding is gone (it is sooooooo much easier to pull out a boob when ever where ever than to make a bottle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I no longer look at Formula feeding mums the same as I did, and its a lesson i learnt and i hope to grow from, and i will be making an effort to NOT repeat any of the things on the list from the first article to a new or expecting mum ever again!!!

[Just Me]

Both articles are great! I think they are down to earth and practical and I do agree that it is important to respect how women feel about the issue and meet them where they are at.

[diva det]

i cant believe that there is so much intollerance in this world that people actually say these things to poor mums!
far our being a mum is hard enough without us knocking each other over the choices we believe are the best for our kids!!
People have the right to think these things, but they do not have the right to say these things out loud to others. It undermines their choices .
Although i dont agree or like some of the choices that people make with their kids, its their right and I thank goodness that we live in a world that we can have these choices. Lets just get over ourselves and get on with supporting each other!!!!

[BellyBelly]

Intolerance goes both ways - some people dont tolerate people who just don't know what better to say. Especially when people haven't walked in your shoes, depending on their upbringing, experience or education - they don't know what it's like. Most people say things not as a judgement, but they genuinely want to help. Understanding that it's not about you, its about them, is very important. As a society I think there is far too much going on about finding someone to blame, so we can feel better. For some people it's so difficult to see that this could be a person who wants to say the right thing, or give you something that could help you feel better... but when its not what you want to hear, you judge them as being a certain way.

You can always stay in the FF section if you just want to talk to, hear from, support or be supported by FF mums. Thats why it was started up.

[~clover~]

I don't get how the OP could be debateable. Kelly thats the silliest thing I think I've heard you say. Maybe you should read it again.

With DD1 it honestly did not cross my mind that breastfeeding would be difficult. Everything I read told me it was natural & that everyone can do it. So when she was born & struggled through intense pain for 6 weeks I was really upset when I made the decision to formula feed her. After 6 weeks of my MCHN telling me everything looked fine & leaving it at that, I thought I had no choice.

When DD2 came along things were ok. But when she was 4 weeks old I got thrush & gave up thinking that was the end of it. I alsso felt that after not feeding DD1 for long, that it would be unfair to give what she missed out on to DD2.

When pregnant with DS I found out about lactation consultants & read up on BF problems through BB & was informed. I felt I could succeed if I really tried & I did. I fed him for 2 years. It took 6 weeks of the same intolerable pain I had with DD1, but I got through.

I never considered anything else for DD3. It took 10 whole weeks of struggling for us to get past the problems. She was the first one I didn't have a tin of FF in the cupboard for. Lucky I didn't too, coz 10 weeks of struggling was really hard!

To me, personally, FF would've been easier. To just put a bottle in my babies mouth, rather that have to curl my toes with tears in my eyes, at every feed would've been easier, but I knew in the long run I'd get there & BF would be easier.

Most mothers have enough guilt without people adding to it, weather they mean to or not.