Everything you want to know but have been too afraid to ask (about samesex parenting)

[*charmalea*]

not really sure where this is coming from or even if a q you can answer BUT , i know of a lesbian couple who have a child and now currently PG with number 2 (each woman have taken turns in carrying the child )

But what stuck out to me is that this couple got ivf for free from the defence force (they both work in the DF) SO do you think that they could be using the DF to have babies for free .. as i assume you had to fork out alot of money to help concieve Jazz?? I kinda felt put out by the fact that i know alot of ttcers who put so much money into IVF and no result where as they were at the front of the line and concieved .. they joked it was a present from the DF for working for them ...

And did you find much ignorance from FS , seeing as you are gay and wanting childern ?? kwim ..
were your treated any different ?? and how were you treated in Hosp ???

AND do you get stupid questions like "whos the man in the relationship ??" i think ignorance has alot to do with silly questions and im so glad that you are trying to make a difference in understanding !!

[Aimz]

im so glad that you are trying to make a difference in understanding !!

I agree. I think it's fantastic that you are putting yourself out there to openly clear up an misconceptions. Well done!!

[cruemum]

firstly congrats and thank you for this wonderful idea.

My question is one that just popped into my head.
Who's surname does Jazz have?

Also there a lot of kids out there without dad's and they do fine.
She is a very lucky girl to have two wonderful mothers who adore her, if only all children had that!!

[Indadhanu]

Catherine, I changed my surname to Shel's surname (lots of reasons why) so we all have the same surname

[Aimz]

So after choosing a donor that dispays characteristics the same as Shel's - can you see a resemblance now that Jazz is here?

[Indadhanu]

Most people say she looks exactly like me! She is very long though, compared to me as a baby so I know she'll be tall like Shel!

[cruemum]

Thanks. By the way Jazz is so cute!!!
Give her a big hug from me!!

[Mum0809]

Just one question I hope its not too forward. Do you think having lesbian mums will affect Jazz's choice of relationships when she is older, like would she choose to be a lesbian because her mums are lesbians and she is comfortable with it or do you think it wouldn't make a difference in her choice?

I think Jazz is a very lucky little girl to have two caring loving mums. If she gets teased i'm sure she will have two mums standing up for her.

[Rouge]

I doubt very much she'll get teased. I had a lesbian guardian for a short period (in my teen years) and I was fine, my godfather is gay, I also had two friends in high school and one in primary school who had 2 mums and none of them ever got teased. She'll be fiiiine. If anything she'll be more open minded than most and thats totally awesome

[Bathsheba]

Well done Leasha answering all these questions You are so right about many people having questions but not often feeling there is a right time to ask. Here's mine:

When I was pregnant, in labour and for a while post labour I occassionally felt resentful that my DH couldn't understand how uncomfortable, painful, hormonal I felt. In labour I didn't abuse him or blame him like some women do with their partners but I REALLY wished I could have hooked up wires leading from my brain (pain center) to his so that he could gain some insight as to what I was actually going through. However at the end of the day I conceded that because he was male I'd just have to accept that he would just never know my pain... he isn't meant to know... he is meant to be my protector and keep an eye out for savage beasts that might be preying on vulnerable me and baby LOL Now, if I was in a Lesbian relationship I wouldn't have that to fall back on. I reckon my resentment regarding any perceived lack of empathy would really get to me.

Doesn't it bug you that, as another woman, Shell is physically capable of empathy... but isn't? IYKWIM? She kinda doesn't have the excuse of being biologically incapable like a bloke does. Geeze i hope that came out right! Maybe most women don't think like I do... LOL and that I'm strange for wanting my DH to experience the pain. Kinda like when I catch a cold and spend all day in bed feeling guilty but suffering in silence.... then 3 days later DH catches it and claims he is dying LOL Doesn't it feel sooooo good to finally feel JUSTIFIED!??? ETA: BTW I'm not mean about it when he does fall sick... I "mother" him nicely because i have some empathy of what it's like to be sick

[Catastrophic]

This may be a silly question but... What circle of friends are u2 in? Do you have more lesibian/gay couples/singles as friends? or do you have a hetrosexual couples/singles... Is there a difference in who you get along better? Is there still a huge stigma around gay couples...

I'm soooooooo sorry if that has offended you in any way. or i asked too many questions........

BTW we havent met, but through reading on here i feel like i've got to know you an i think your just ace

[Indadhanu]

Do you think having lesbian mums will affect Jazz's choice of relationships when she is older, like would she choose to be a lesbian because her mums are lesbians and she is comfortable with it or do you think it wouldn't make a difference in her choice?

Well, I don't think you chose to be a lesbian, I think its just who you are. I don't know who she'll be attracted, but I don't think it'll make a difference. I'm a lesbian and my parents are straight, so it wouldn't be any different for Jazz

Thanks Cai and Trish

Woah Bath, ok, hmm... Well! lol
Obviously theres no man in our relationship so we don't have the clear cut 'protector/nurturer' roles IYKWIM, so we each take, well kind of like turns I guess (though its not we say 'ok your turn to be protector' lol) so there are days when Shel feels like my protector and I feel like I am the one to stand behind her. Then there are days when I feel extremely protective, like theres a bump in the night and I'll be the one to investigate (or if theres a spider ).

When I think about labour I feel the protector side, I don't want her to go through that pain, I want to be able to do that for her, I want to ptotect her from that. Maybe its because I know that she is capable of feeling it though. I think I'd probably be pretty resentful if I was with a male partner, I could say "its all right for you, you'll never have to go through it!". Because Shel CAN I worry about her and if she'll be ok. I think its because she can, and because we 'share' that protecting role. Does that make sense?

Cassie, most of our friends are straight, generally couples with kids. We have a few gay and lesbian friends, but most of them arent on the settle down with a family page yet so we dont have much in common. Theres no difference with who I get along with. A d!ckhead is a d!ckhead, gay or straight lol! I don't avoid or gravitate to people based on sexuality
As for stigma, depends... Generally people are accepting, you get those who just tolerate, and there are the ignorant ones who don't understand. Then there are the narrow minded people who have the capacity to understand but choose not to because they fear the unknown and hate those who challenge their archaic ideals and beliefs. Luckily its mostly the first 3 groups, and I can deal with that

[Trishk]

Hi

Just want to put my 2cents worth in.

My son started school and has always had a boy in his class who is from a same sex family. This little boy was a product of a friend's donor sperm. Now I have become great friends with this boy's birth mum and the children over the last five years have NEVER teased him about "having two mums". Children are so accepting these days they have never known any different. The only prejudice received is from parents not children, but I must mention that is very minimal. Families these days are made up of lots of different people, grandparents, aunts and uncles, foster parents, single parent families. There isn't a "norm".

My view is that if the child is loved and cared for who cares how they came about. But I just wanted to point out my experience.

[danniellabella]

With regard to your answer about both of you being called some form of mum, do you think there may ever be confusion when she calls out "mum" which one of you she wants?

Also, when she is in her teens and adult years, would you be happy and accepting if she was straight or would part of you hope she will also be a lesbian?

I have a gay friend who has been trying to help a lesbian couple he knows get pregnant. I learnt a fair bit from hearing about his experience. I don't think they have been successful in getting pregnant and staying pregnant yet, but it's interesting to hear from his point of view as the father to be. I know your situation is different because you used a donar who I assume you don't know.

[Indadhanu]

Hi Danni,

Well, there might be confusion if she decides to call us both MUM. But from others we've talked to most kids work out what they want to call their mums and thats what works.

Also, when she is in her teens and adult years, would you be happy and accepting if she was straight or would part of you hope she will also be a lesbian?

LOL I was wondering when this question would pop up.
Happy and accepting all the way, as long as the person she decidees to be with respects and lvose and cares for her thats all that matters. Actually, I've never really assumed she'd be one or the other. I guess thats the beauty of being a lesbian and having to deal with family, knowing how important family support for whoever you choose to be with. All I hope for is that she is happy.


Oh I just remembered someone asked about telling jazz how she was conceived. We have a book called "where do i really come from" which she will have open access to from... well now because I'm already reading it to her LOL! It explains everything, including donor sperm and having two mums. The fact that she was born from donor sperm will never be hidden (well, bit hard anyway...).

[Maruschke]

Hi Leasha,

I love your thread. Thanks for opening up to us, I guess sometimes it's hard to understand without being told.

I am wondering whether or not you will teach Jazz about different religions, despite the fact that many are not tolerant? Just curious .

OO

[danniellabella]

LOL I was wondering when this question would pop up.
Happy and accepting all the way, as long as the person she decidees to be with respects and lvose and cares for her thats all that matters. Actually, I've never really assumed she'd be one or the other. I guess thats the beauty of being a lesbian and having to deal with family, knowing how important family support for whoever you choose to be with. All I hope for is that she is happy.

What a fantastic attitude!
I'll be honest and say that I was brought up in a family (immediate and extended family) to believe that same sex relationships are wrong. I am a Christian and believe in the Bible when it talks about a "man and a woman" However, now being an adult and having seen some things in the world that I wasn't exposed to as a kid I can say that while I may not totally agree with same sex relationships, I certainly do not judge people based on their sexual preference (any more). I prefer to get to know the person and then be friends with them based on their personality, not their sexual preference. I am somewhat facinated by how same sex relationships work and I'm sure that apart from the way in which the couple actually has sex, same sex relationships are probably much the same as hetrosexual relationships.
What I'm trying to say though, is despite how I was brought up, I do hope that when my daughter grows up that I can have the same positive and accepting attitude you have regardless of her sexual preference.

I hope this hasn't come across the wrong way.

[feeb]

What a great thread!!!

Well done on being so open and honest!!