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Thread: hello there everyone :))

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Country NSW
    Posts
    52

    Default hello there everyone :))

    It's been quite some time since I have been in here.. so I thought id catch up with you all and it was a pleasant suprise to see new family makers coming in. So hi to all of you *waves. My Dp and I are looking at starting a family once the majority of our renovations are completed including a new house that is being built on our property! LOL ill be a great Aunt by then, im sure :/
    Anyway, we have tossed around the idea of fostering versus bio. We would both really love to have our own child and for that child to be genetically connected to both of us, and after many rounds of conversations, nutting it out, we eventually decided that it was only possible for me to be genetically linked. Now this may not seem like a *big* issue to some, but for Dp it pretty much resembles the het couples who cant concieve due to the male having low sperm count or not at all. So the pyschological and emotional impact this has on the Dp in any situation is not to be just looked over like yep, thats great, sorry cant do that, lets move on. It has to be worked through, analysed and eventualy accepted. And frankly its not an acceptance that comes easily. But, it is nevertheless something that cant be avoided, so in saying all that and working through it we considered fostering, as this would mean we would both be linked evenly to the child/ren. We are the caring sharing type women who for example have adopted many animals due to neglect, so we would naturally be open to the whole *fostering idea. Only 1 problem with it, we still have all the animals we ever took on because we cant stand the idea of giving back or passing on the animal just in case it happens all over again. So by now, you prolly have an idea of what would happen if we took on children with family issues, whatever the issues, we would no doubt have *huge* issues ourselves in returning the children to where they came from :/ LOL is this sounding like a days of our lives episode yet?
    Many many things to consider and those are just a cpl of things we have discussed and worked through. So after deciding we couldnt bare the thought of doing that we returned to the most logical place, where we had come from, making our own family. We have considered anonymous from a clinic as well as known and at home. Right now, we are sticking with known and at home because we want the experience to be as *normal* as possible. As far as the genetics go, Dp will have so much influence on our child that the environmental componant should override any genetic link whatsoever, lol actually im a tad frightened about the 2 of them ganging up on me (joking) so, I fancy that the bond that Dp will share with our child will counteract any missing genetics. I guess when we think of that I think of the fact that I never new my bio dad and I wouldnt know him if I bumped into him, the only father I really had was my stepdad who wasnt genetically linked but who created a bond with me as my protector and guardian, and to this day although he stepped out of my life when I was young, I still consider him my dad. So the environmental impact and emotional bond Dp will share will no doubt be amazing and wonderful to experience and watch grow. In saying that, Dp will not be the father but the wise role model, protector and guardian that I know any child would hope to have. We do know the donor and therefore we know the genetics which is important for us because we would want our child to know its heritage, the donor will take on the *uncle* role within our family and come the time when our child questions his/her place in the world, we will be honest and open about where that is. That will be more than what I recieved when I was growing up.
    So I do believe we have nutted it out but I am sure there are some things that we will face as time goes on. Gosh I hope im not boring you all with my story The whole parenting order process will be sorted, really a step closer to having Dp recognised as having and sharing an equal role in the upbringing and care of our child. It is unfortunate that Dp's name cant be shared with mine on the certificate, but Dp will be submitting the paperwork and therefore at least being noted as having a role in the life of our child. Its a little disheartening to see that us as a society and a government are still so far behind with acceptance of *different* families, we speak it and see it everyday of our lives yet we cant move to finalise or accept on paper that this is what life is now, different. Pathetic really, so I live with the deep acceptance that our family will be open and loving to each other regardless of the external rubbish that is our society. As far as legalities go, we will be consulting with a family lawyer and sorting wills etc out, this is important for our family to know that our future is secure whatever the outcome. So, I guess thats my story and although we wont be ttc for awhile yet (im 33, so we have to get this started soon life will be ready to create life when the time is right for us. We do have a rough idea of when we would like to start and that will be around the end of the year, I need to start getting fit and eating well, start saving, stop smoking etc etc.. Im getting excited, I bought a cpl of flannelette shirts 000 to make Dp smile ) and she did. Dp wears flanos daily because of what she does for work, so it was really nice to see the grin on her face.. Little things like that make my heart skip and allow me reason to believe that we have chosen the best path for our future as a family.. ahhh life is grand )
    thankyou all for reading our story if you managed to survive the length of it!!



    take care
    D&M

  2. #2

    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Country VIC
    Posts
    383

    Default

    Wow D & M, you guys certainly sound like you are ready!
    Good luck with it all, just a small word of caution, be as clear as you can possibly be with your donor because conception agreements, even if drawn up with a lawyer, can still be overturned by a judge, particularly if the judge is 'old school' and believes in 'traditional families.'
    This doesn't always mean that the father sues for custody, sometimes it translates into grandparents or siblings of his sueing for rights to the child and the younger the child is, the more likely that the judge will grant some custody to them. It's an unfortunate side affect of the refusal of the law to recognise our families and accept that, yes, a child can be as loved and nurtured by two gay women as by a man and a woman in a 'traditional' family environment. Until the laws change to reflect that our familes exist, it's quite scary that someone we either don't know well, or in some cases, not at all, has the right to take our child out of our house for three days a week just because they donated sperm in a kitchen instead of a clinic.

    Anyway, all that being said, I am soooo excited to welcome another lesbian family!! Good luck and we will be waiting eagerly for the OMG! We're Pregnant!! news

  3. #3

    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Brisbane
    Posts
    5,325

    Default

    Hey D&M

    Wow, sounds like you guys have been through so much recently.

    Shel and I can completely relate to the struggle with genetics etc. Even though we knew from day one that we couldn't both have equal genetics, it is still work to acccept that and accept that a child that comes into the world is not going to be related but that we will both be mums.

    We also thought of fostering, and came against the same thing as you... we are both quite emotional, and I can't imagine looking after a child and carung for them, getting so involved and then handing them back. I know that these kids need it, but I just don't think I could do it and neither does Shel. Not at this pointin time anyway. It is something we'd both love to do as we've bothhad a lot of contact with foster families and know that they are just wonderful and some of the most important people on this Earth, but at the moment thats just not who we can be.

    DP will be sooooooo special in your child life. She will be the only other parents she knows, and genetics isn't going to matter when your baby has scraped her knee or been bitten by a big nasty ant she's not going to care what genetics it is she's going to care that she's with someone who has shown her unconditional love and care and someone who makes her feel safe. And your DP will
    I know that this stuff is easier said than believed. I can tell you are a suportive partner too, I have supported Shel through the acceptance and understanding. Luckily her family is not the traditional family, so she knows that genetics doesn't play a part in bonds between parents and siblings and child. but it's still something she had to come terms with, and I imagine that if/when Shel is the bio-mum that I'll have the same things to come to deal with.

    Sally is right about all the donor stuff, which I am sure you know about. You are doing the right thing with consukting with a lawyer and doing wills etc. Your DP can get a parenting order too which I think is great

    Good luck and can't wait to see your pregnancy announcement

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Country NSW
    Posts
    52

    Default hey there

    hello there thanks for the the responses, the parenting order is just one of the many things we need to embrace, an order like this is superficial as is a parents right when it comes down to the care and well being of child. The courts will always do whats in the best interest of the child so therefore regardless of everything u have in place, if you are caring well enough for a child the rights will be with their guardian. A donor can always pursue equal rights ie custody, and as long as you have the written understanding and the level of communication to combat any issues that arise, all should be well. That does not mean you should walk a life with rose coloured glasses, things change and ppl change and of course you have to deal with and sometimes adapt to those changes. So yeah, we are well aware of all the splinters that can potentially come out of the wood works

    I am so excited about being pregnant, I cant wait to feel our little bub growing and seeing Dp's affection for our child growing, the bonding experience is just one of the many things that I look forward to experiencing. I do get worried about my age, I turn34 in january and its around then that we will be ttc, so I just hope it doesnt take many many cycles to concieve. But I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there

    Congratulations on your pregnancy Leasha, your belly has grown so much
    Nice to meet you Sally, im sure I will be seeing more of you both

    take care
    D&M

  5. #5
    Lea79 Guest

    Default

    Hi D & M,
    wow, your post gave me goose bumps! Myself and DP have experienced all of those emotions and have had many a long night talking about different avenues to take before deciding on what we feel is right for us. DP does not feel as strongly about the genetic connection as I do so that makes that much easier. We both believe that environmental influence has much more impact on a child than any genetic connection but for me, I want to experience the process of conception, pregnancy and birth too. By doing this together we feel that it will create a much closer bond between myself, DP and the baby. I had to smile about your comment about the flannelette shirts, that is just gorgeous and it reminds me of the feeling I get when DP gets overly excited when talking about our future bub and us all going fishing and camping etc. lol.

    We are currently seeking a family lawyer to work out the contract with the donor, wills etc and started tracking my cycle. Luckily things are working like clockwork so far so if my body behaves itself we will be able to start TTC in December. Our donor lives in Sydney so it is very important for everything to work in a timely fashion. In the meantime I would like to get a little more fit and healthy and we will be on our way!

    Well, I do hope that all goes to plan for us all. Its a really exciting time in our lives and we need to live the moment. The more I read on this site, the more I learn. But I admit, I'm afraid I have become addicted! LOL! Talk to you again soon,

    Lea n Sel

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