Hi everyone (my apologies if this ends up being really long),

I am totally and utterly devastated and majorly depressed at the moment so I just need to vent about what happened yesterday, I don't mind if no one replies, it's just that I havent' told anyone yet so I need to let it out somewhere! Hope you don't mind!

I had my "final" counselling appointment at the clinic I'm using yesterday, as I was meant to be starting DI in less than 2 weeks, so I was really excited thinking everything would just run smoothly and we would just talk about general stuff and it would all be totally great! Boy was I completely wrong. It turns out that first of all the clinic stuffed up because when I rang to make the counselling appointment they were meant to ask me to bring my dad along (because I am under 25 and that's their policy) for the meeting but they didn't, so I went along by myself. The counsellor rang my dad while we were in the meeting and talked to him a bit and it turns out Dad is worried that everything has gone so fast (I was only on the waiting list for 6 months instead of 12!) and because he said he was worried the counsellor has to take that into account and actually meet up with him face to face to talk about his worries etc. So that means we all have a meeting together next week which isn't that bad, I could have handled that because I probably would have still been able to start this month.

BUT it turns out that the clinic also stuffed up in the first place by even telling me that I had got to the top of the list and letting me choose my donor because they didn't check with the counsellor to see if everything was finalised first, so I should never have chosen a donor and never have even thought that I would be starting DI this month at all. Plus I have a history of depression and the counsellor can't get in touch with my doctor so I am going to have to go and see a psychiatrist to get a report to say I'm not freaking crazy!! Not really....just to say that I am ready to be a mum and mature enough etc etc (if they think I am of course). So the psychiatrist report might be able to fast track me a bit if it all comes back ok, but basically the counsellor said that I might end up having to wait until April next year like I was originally supposed to which is just devastating because I was totally prepared to start this month and indescribably excited about it, and to have it all taken away is just crazy! It was fine when I was able to think that I had to wait the whole year on the waiting list..... I could deal with that, but then when they give you a donor and tell you you can start soon it gets your hopes up a lot and then to be told you actually can't start that soon is just ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

I really haven't explained this well at all, but the thing that annoys me the most is that if I hadn't asked for a last appointment with the counsellor when they rang me up to tell me I could have a donor, they never would have known she wanted to see me again before I started and I would be starting in 2 weeks time and everything would be fine.

God I am sooooooooooooo angry and frustrated and depressed and sad and everything else you can think of! So thanks for reading my little rant and I'm sorry if none of it made sense!!

Jess