We used an unknown donor, so obviously I disagree with most of the above comments.
All I have to say is that the agreement MUST be mutual. You just CANNOT lead a man along to think he is going to be a father and then decide you don't want him in the child's life as a father.
In our case, we used an unknown donor who had willing donated sperm knowing that he will not have access or acknowledgement as a 'father' to any child that is created of his sperm. We don't know him. Never met him. Don't know his name. He doesn't know us, never met us etc. That was fine as this is what we wanted, and obviously what wh wanted or he wouldn't have become an unknown donor.
So if he wants to be a part of this child's life, you either have to accept that, or use an unknown donor. It's just not fair if he donates on the understanding that he is going to be a father, and you change the deal and decide he is nothing more than a sperm donor, or 'godfather'. In fact, in that scenario, I'd expect him to take you to court for access or custody.
I think as long as you are honest with all parties and with the child then things will work out. If the donor is unknown, telling the child "I don't know who it is" is telling them the complete truth, which is all our children generally want from us.
Knowing the father and not telling the child is a lie of omission and if the truth ever comes out then I could foresee mother/child relationship problems occurring.
As another poster said, the father's opinion is so important in this too. He may be willing to be a donor, but does he realise that he will have no place in the child's life? Would be still be prepared to be the donor? These details must be straightened out before conception to avoid problems down the track IMHO.
My son is almost three and goes to a regular daycare centre. He wants to know where his daddy is, everyone else at daycare has a daddy so it seems - where is mine? At this point in time I told him his father is in sydney. I have told him numerous other more eloquent but more difficult to understand answers but "my dad is in sydney" is something he can repeat to the other kids when they ask, or when he asks himself. I'd like to know what other mothers and co-parents from lesbian headed families have told their children at different stages of their lives. My son is the result of a one night hetro fling with an old friend who refuses any contact, different to most lesbian parents, but at the end of the day - having two mummies is different to the other kids
I am no expert and certainly not on the subject of kids without a dad as a result of "a one night hetro fling" but for my son - i provided him with the information that he had a donor his name and that he lives in sydney. I then let him come up with his own theory on what that mean't. He has since decided that he is going to call him dad, and his dad x lives in sydney. He has informed all the daycare kids that have asked or quizzed him and i have helped him out when he asks questions. I try not to make a big deal of it or give him too much information to complicate things.
of course things for you are different as your little guy is by your time chart a little younger than mine was - he was about 3 yrs and 3 months when he started to ask specific questions, before then he knew of this infamous donor but hadn't asked for any clarrification. also i have a known donor who is happy for contact when my little guy or i would like it - so that is different to your situation. Perhaps you could tell him that some people have a mum and a dad, some have just a mum or a dad, some have 2 mums, or 2 dads, and that there are lots of different mums and dads. Perhaps you could say that "your dad live in sydney and you may get to meet him one day". I don't know perhaps that isn't posible but it at least may comfort him until his level of understanding is a little more advanced - i.e older.
It is difficult and as i said im only suggesting - but perhaps a child age appropriate book may help on mums and dads that don't live together?? You may not want to sugar coat the situation but i guess you can only say so much. Im guessing that one day you may have to explain the situation in real terms.
From what ive found with my little guy he is happy if i provide some anwsers and can satisfy his questions.
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but for my son - i provided him with the information that he had a donor his name and that he lives in sydney. I then let him come up with his own theory on what that mean't. He has since decided that he is going to call him dad, and his dad x lives in sydney. He has informed all the daycare kids that have asked or quizzed him and i have helped him out when he asks questions. I try not to make a big deal of it or give him too much information to complicate things.
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