Aspergers in Adults - A place to chat

[~Trish~]

Absolutely Yeddi, I'm sure lots of people are the same. I only pointed out one thing, but there are LOADS of things that I read and can tick off or could have ticked off once upon a time. I still don't think I have AS, just traits that seem to have been handed down from my dad who is a textbook Aspy (as is my bro). My sister has much stronger traits than me and her two children are showing extremely strong traits, especially her DS.

I'm finding it quite enlightening to understand it all. When I look back at myself as a child I can see my traits were much stronger. I struggled so much as a child and as a teenager with things that I can now see as Aspy things. It's actually quite healing for me to learn about it, it helps me deal with and understand the person I used to be . I have always over-analysed my past and run it over and over in my head wondering how I could have done better, wishing I'd done things differently, etc. Finding out that it is just the way my brain works has helped free myself from all of that.

Gosh, I hope I haven't sold myself as having AS in this thread! I am just on a journey of discovery and wanted somewhere to discuss it with others. I'm hoping it will help also with my relationship with my own dad who couldn't handle his role as a husband and father so he left when I was 3. I hardly saw him or heard from him until my mid 20's when he moved closer. Over the last year or two he has started to visit me regularly and I am struggling with this for various reasons. I'm hoping talking about it will help.

[Yeddi]

Oh no, you did say you thought you only had traits. I'm blunt, and forget to add some padding sometimes. No, I was just putting that out there so that people who may not have looked into it much don't see one trait that sounds like them and then suddenly self-diagnose themselves with AS, IYKWIM. I've had a friend's husband do it before regarding their son and he wasn't AS at all, he just didn't like sport and his dad saw that as a restricted interest. It became pretty offensive when this guy would go on about how he knew what it was like to live with someone with ASD. It's not easy to get an ASD diagnosis, and there is a lot of things that goes with it, and I guess I selfishly don't want it belittled when I have an AS husband and autistic child, that it's not just putting up with little nuances, it can be really exhausting and takes lots of work.

Does that even make sense, I'm really tired, perhaps I should go have a nap...

[~Trish~]

I can only imagine how frustrated that must make you feel Yeddi. It is such hard work and I have a lot of admiration for you . My brother is 41 and when he was a child people weren't really diagnosed with Autism (maybe they were, but it wasn't common). My poor mum had a little toddler who constantly threw HUGE tantrums - he'd repeatedly hit his head on the floor or would hold his breath until he passed out. I guess these would be called meltdowns now, but at the time when she took him to the Dr, she was told he was "just a naughty boy" . He had speech delay, learning difficulties due to being taught at school with "normal kids" (as in, not catering to his own learning needs) and huge social issues. Without knowing what his issue was, but knowing something wasn't right, my Mum worked tirelessly with him over the years (with no help or understanding from our dad). She would do classroom help just to be there and help him along. She did a brilliant job with what she knew how. There was no support or help for her, she just went ahead and did it by herself. I have so much respect and admiration for her

[Professor]

I believe that everybody everywhere sits somewhere on the autism spectrum, ranging from your charming sociopaths through to low-functioning autism and savants. I would imagine that, if properly tested, the distibution curve of that spectrum would be similar to the distribution of IQ, imho.

I hope I don't offend anyone with this, it is just a personal theory. I am not saying in any way that those with aspergers are sociopaths, in fact quite the opposite. I believe that the personality disorders that result in autism or AS can, in a different mix, lead others to present as highly charming and be skilfully manipulative of their fellow man.

[meow]

I believe that everybody everywhere sits somewhere on the autism spectrum, ranging from your charming sociopaths through to low-functioning autism and savants. I would imagine that, if properly tested, the distibution curve of that spectrum would be similar to the distribution of IQ, imho.

I completely agree. We are going through this with my son at the moment and I think he'll be borderline so I'm not sure if he'll get an ASD diagnosis but he clearly has many ASD traits that can be helped with ASD therapies and teaching strategies so I'll use those resources regardless of the outcome of his diagnosis.

Similarly, my H and his family all clearly have Aspergers traits (one brother diagnosed) so I think understanding Aspergers helps me understand them, even if they are not extreme enough for a diagnosis.

As a training teacher I'm feeling like this leads into a better understanding of the varying learning styles and everyone will learn differently due to their position on the spectrum. I wish tghis concept taught to teachers- could make school so much better rather than the cookie cutter system we have.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Oooh, reading about it a bit more - yes, I can see why people would think I have Aspies, I think I do too! Also I can see why my sister thinks my dad has it, along with his mother and sister. Oddly enough, I don't think DS does. Well, not to the extreme DH and I do. (Past year 1, he refuses to do new things unless he knows he can do them perfectly: including writing, using a tricycle, lego... he gets a lot of praise for trying and I refuse to accept that he "can't" do something.)

I am toying going to see my GP to see if I can get a diagnosis - labels help me a lot. And then I can work on appearing "normal" (one of my least favourite words outside of statistics). I taught myself empathy/body language by treating it as a separate language and learning set responses and reactions. But it is something I have to remember to "turn on" so to speak, something I also need to remember to be bothered about. But I do get sarcasm - saying the opposite of what you mean while pretending you mean it, only a slight betrayal in voice tone to indicate otherwise. So much fun - it's actually lying as best you can. And it's not classed as being "naughty" but instead "humour". Love it to bits.

[~Trish~]

TFB - It's so fascinating when you read things and go "That's me!". Have you done any of the online Aspy tests?

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Alright, before I continue I wanna say that Professor and I have discussed this thread, and we're both comfortable using it and talking about each other, but we've set a ground rule that nothing comes in here before we've discussed it together. I think we both need a translator, so hopefully this thread can be it

On with the vent/question! I think my biggest issue is with the lack of volunteering information. I try so hard to draw Professor out with leading questions, while trying not to turn it into an interrogation. But it's exhausting - especially when, a few days or weeks down the track, I realise we're still on different pages because he doesn't volunteer information and I obviously didn't ask the correct question to get the answer I needed. This causes a lot of arguments for us, because we've each come to different conclusions based on incomplete information. Can anyone suggest anything, either from a spouses POV or an aspie POV?

[~Trish~]

I can only imagine how frustrating that must be Keike . I wish I knew the answer, hopefully someone else can help. All I can say that I personally have a lot of trouble verbalising what's in my head sometimes. I have so many thoughts and feelings that I can't seem to express. I guess that's also where the Professor is coming from?

I have so many things I'd like to say in this thread, but can't seem to find the words LOL! It took me so long to start this thread after thinking of doing it because I just couldn't think of a way to even word it. I just forced myself finally! I guess that's what I have to do a lot, force those thoughts out so DH doesn't get frustrated at me.

All I can recommend is give the Professor time to process your questions after you have asked him something. Sometimes it can take me hours or days before I can give DH the answer he is looking for. I just need time to run it through my mind and then turn it into words.

Slightly off topic, but when I was 17 I was walking to the train station after finishing work and I was grabbed by a large group of drunk men. I had to fight my way off them and I ran to catch my train. I was very upset and frightened. On the walk home I was met by my mum and step-dad (they used to sometimes go for a walk and see if they could find me) and I couldn't even talk to them. I just walked on past them, got home, walked out the back and sat quietly with my feet in the pool for an hour before I could talk about what happened. I just couldn't talk before I was in my own safe environment and had time to go through it all in my mind.

This doesn't really help you Kieke LOL, but that scenario just popped into my mind as I was typing.

[Yeddi]

Alright, before I continue I wanna say that Professor and I have discussed this thread, and we're both comfortable using it and talking about each other, but we've set a ground rule that nothing comes in here before we've discussed it together. I think we both need a translator, so hopefully this thread can be it

On with the vent/question! I think my biggest issue is with the lack of volunteering information. I try so hard to draw Professor out with leading questions, while trying not to turn it into an interrogation. But it's exhausting - especially when, a few days or weeks down the track, I realise we're still on different pages because he doesn't volunteer information and I obviously didn't ask the correct question to get the answer I needed. This causes a lot of arguments for us, because we've each come to different conclusions based on incomplete information. Can anyone suggest anything, either from a spouses POV or an aspie POV?

Don't tip toe, come right out and say it - no fluff - and be very specific.

An example from my daughter (just because it's easier to see because it is so extreme)
We were playing a game called Ladybugs. You have to roll the dice and then pick up the card with the corresponding number. She threw a 2. I said, "which one has two on it" and she went to pick up a 4. Now I knew she knew her numbers, so I changed it to "which one looks the same" she went to pick up a 6. Gah! We kept playing for a little while, the confusion evident on her face, and I started to see a pattern and then it clicked "Which one ONLY has two on it", she picked up the 2. She got her numbers consistently right for the rest of the game. You see everything bigger than one has two in it. All the cards looked the same as they were all red with white spots. It was only once I removed the ambiguity by defining "only" that she understood what I was asking.

So questions need to be direct and specific, not general and ambiguous. HTH

[RainbowBrite]

TFB - It's so fascinating when you read things and go "That's me!". Have you done any of the online Aspy tests?

You are right Trish...It is kind of a relief to read things and really relate...it makes me feel like I am not a total odd ball after all there are others that feel and act the same.
I have done the online AS test and got 33...I did the same one on a few pages to double check and always got 33.
I know they are not entirely accurate and are not for self diagnosing but above 32 and you have more of a chance of having AS.

ETA - Sorry I left my browser open to long I wasn't ignoring the above posts

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Yes Trish, it is a help and also quite amusing. TBH, my sister is an autism/Aspie specialist in healthcare, so I'm happy to go with her diagnosis and not do other tests initially. (Although I have done an autism one, for curiosity's sake, and came out as very autistic.) But then, she also calls me her own personal Google, because I can tell her random, useless information the second she wonders it aloud. It is meant endearingly. Just inaccuratly. An encyclopaedia would be more accurate - hence me thinking about getting someone else to diagnose. You know - so I can have it on paper too, not that I distrust my sister because she gets some stuff a bit wrong.

Keike, for me and DH, we need "I understand that you have just told me XYZ" because we are constantly getting wires crossed. When the other understands incorrectly then there is usually a bit of upset until we sort it out, but it can be sorted out.

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

So many interesting points in here, it's my new favourite thread

Subtopic: No middle ground.

We do some personal study for our religious stuff. At least, we're supposed to. But I can't handle studying for 2 hours straight with Professor, because I just can't follow his brain. So I've suggested different ways we could do the study so that we both enjoy it, but it seems we can either study it together, with him taking the lead and it taking 2 hours minimum, or we can't do it at all. He doesn't accept that sitting at the same table, doing the same study silently, but bringing out interesting points to each other, is studying together. I just can't do it his way, I end up in tears by the end of it because I just can't handle it, or I'm yelling at him which isn't really the right mindframe. Is there any way we can come to a compromise?

[~Trish~]

He doesn't accept that sitting at the same table, doing the same study silently, but bringing out interesting points to each other, is studying together. I just can't do it his way, I end up in tears by the end of it because I just can't handle it, or I'm yelling at him which isn't really the right mindframe. Is there any way we can come to a compromise?

Can I (respectfully) ask why the Professor won't agree to studying the way you have described? I'm not having a go at him, I promise! It's a genuine question . It would work better for me studying your preferred way too Keike. I think most people learn better if they can take in information at their own pace, I would feel completely left behind if I couldn't. And discussing interesting things as you go along is a great way for it all to start making sense and sink in. Ending up in tears because you're frustrated is not good and it sounds like you guys might have to reach a new solution that you are both happy with.

Sorry, I'm not giving you any answers or help!

[Yeddi]

He doesn't accept that sitting at the same table, doing the same study silently, but bringing out interesting points to each other, is studying together. I just can't do it his way, I end up in tears by the end of it because I just can't handle it, or I'm yelling at him which isn't really the right mindframe. Is there any way we can come to a compromise?

That would be about his very literal definition of "together" I'd say. He's obviously defining together as a "joint or cooperative simultaneous effort". Perhaps you could explain that when "together" is used as an adverb it also means "With or in proximity to another person or people" so your suggestion would still be doing it "together".

[~Trish~]

Just been pondering while chopping pumpkin . I guess The Professor has always studied this way with you? It is very difficult to try and change the way an Aspy does things (there are lots of rules, etc. and it's difficult to break them), but it's not impossible. I can only encourage The Professor to give your method a try .

I have had to force myself to change things or try new things for the benefit of my DH or my kids. It's hard for me to get my mind around some things, but I've found that when I've stepped out and given it a go it's worked well and everyone is much happier . For example - The aspy part of me would not have gone on a 6 week caravanning trip in a pink fit! There is no way I could predict what might happen or to have control over everything. But I chose to put aside my own way of thinking and think of the benefit it would be for my whole family (not just me). We did our trip last year and had a BALL! I loved every minute of it and I'm glad I looked beyond my own way of thinking, I'm actually quite proud of myself .

I don't know if I'm completely off the mark here, but I thought I'd put it out there. I hope I haven't offended...

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I've just emailed that to him Yeddi, to see what he thinks, but I reckon you're on the money

Trish, we haven't actually done a lot of study together, for this very reason. It would end in an argument, so I resisted doing it at all, and then we did it my way a few times, but that started ending in arguments as well because he didn't feel like we were studying together. So in 5 years, we've probably only studied together a dozen or so times. Not good for our spiritual relationships, that's for sure.

LOL, he's gonna laugh when he reads that, about not wanting to change, coz I'm the one who has a problem with it! For instance, he has millions of DVD's from before we were married, and most of them I haven't seen. But when we go to watch a DVD, I'll always resist one I haven't seen. And then eventually (prob once a year!) I'll give in to it, and I end up loving the movie, and then he teases me, rightly so

[~Trish~]

LOL, he's gonna laugh when he reads that, about not wanting to change, coz I'm the one who has a problem with it! For instance, he has millions of DVD's from before we were married, and most of them I haven't seen. But when we go to watch a DVD, I'll always resist one I haven't seen. And then eventually (prob once a year!) I'll give in to it, and I end up loving the movie, and then he teases me, rightly so

You sound exactly like me