This is long and not with much point. Just opening a dialogue so it can escape my head a little...

About two years ago now, I started doing 10k steps a day with the help of my slave-driving pedometer. I was shocked the first day to realise how little I actually did (around 4k) even as somebody who took my toddler on foot to the park each day, walked to the shops and relied heavily on public transport. I had to include a 15min run to get my numbers up and some days I even had to do that twice. A year or so on after maintaining this without fail, I found myself heavily pregnant in summer and a little bit over it so gave myself some leeway to take the pedometer off and just make sure I made good choices through the day like they always say (park that little further, take the steps etc). After my DD2 was born, I never did get back to the pedometer but felt fairly okay that I would be able to do 'enough' on my own. That I had learnt from all that time how being fit felt, that I'd include a run as I thought necessary.

I got a new pedometer for my birthday earlier this month (fitbit zip, brilliant). I was so wrong, I have really slipped! Even though most days I do not have a car and we still go to the park each day (a few blocks) where we run around and play, I'm chasing 2 little girls... even though we walk to the shops (another few blocks on top) to get what we need... even though I live up two flights of stairs... even though we do a family walk each morning, I was maybe getting 7k steps max (an improvement from a few years ago at least) and so have started running again, everyday. I'm on my 5th day and feeling it; in a good way. Although I am spending more energy, I feel more energetic and positive, I never realised how much fitness I was missing.

Now part of me knows I probably shouldn't be such a stickler to the arbitrary 10k figure (that isn't really based on scientific research or wasn't when I began all those years ago, I don't have time to keep up with what is what) but it works for me, I'm motivated by achieving that goal and pushing past it (13k yesterday woo). I don't really need to lose weight (could stand to lose 5kg so I can get back into my size 10 skinny jeans but I'm comfortable with being a size 12 as long as I can walk without tiring too much) so it is more for fitness and general well-being. I found before, even when I was a size 10, I would approach a big day out say whilst traveling and site seeing with anxiety - will I be able to manage? Which was my main motivator for starting the 10k. I basically do it to get rid of that worry -- of course I can do it, my body does this everyday type thing (I do have anxiety issues so that might not be a normal thing people experience). I'm not too hung up on looks (life is in so many ways a lottery) but that feeling is priceless, knowing I can do anything I need to do, gaining trust in my body. It led me to thinking that given how 'active' I thought my life was, I wonder if maybe a lot of people are not actually realising how active we need to be. Are a lot of people similar and have these self delusions like I did about our lifestyle?

Now I've started thinking about diet (lifestyle diet not get rid of extra weight quickly diet). Ours is fairly good (or so I think...) with lots of fresh food, only milk or water, probably too much fruit (especially in summer yum) but noone is perfect right? And that's when I started thinking about how good is good enough? How often can we have that little extra - not even meaning junk or takeaway here but say, something a little extra cheesy or a desert with that little bit more chocolate than necessary, bacon with the fat or crackling lol. Those sort of choices. We don't do junkjunk or takeaway (can't afford to regardless lol) but have a like-takeaway night most weeks which can be homemade pizza (with vegies) or chicken wings (with vegies) so something a bit 'naughtier'. We also only occasionally have desert which blew DPs mind because desert was a 'always' thing in his house whilst it was a not very often thing in mine. We will have macaroni cheese bake maybe once a month (my favourite thing in the world) but it has to have broccoli and cauliflower and whatever else I have on hand.

I find I become a little obsessive about things (could be related to the anxiety) and so our dinners are usually at least traffic light appropriate (red, yellow/orange and green included) but I find myself thinking the more colours the better, I always have to set things up as a challenge. This is where I start to realise I need those sort of things; the 10k steps, the guide of colours. I cannot seem to self regulate if I don't have boundaries spelt out to me or some sort of achievable goal to pat me on the back. But what are the boundaries?? Nobody really knows! What is good for you changes every time you blink. So this is where I struggle... how often can I have chocolate... well as often as you want idiot, nobody is the boss of chocolate... but you know what I mean, how often can I have chocolate and still not compromise my health TOO much (or at all? Dreaming there?). Some things I found too much of a risk vs reward so just cut out completely - have only drunk milk or water for years now (no soft drink, juice, tea, coffee etc etc) except the very, very special occasion for example. At least doing more exercise helps because I look at a piece of chocolate and think 15minutes of my life reversing that with walking rather than mmm and time is something I do appreciate, I never have enough. Although I have enough to waffle on about this nonsense lol.

So I've started to really asses what motivates me. I start to consider the fact I've never smoked or been drunk and questioned why? What is it actually that stopped me? What would happen if junk food had a warnings similar to cigarettes, would it alter my habits without the need for 'rules'? Or is it just a different way to package rules? Eating this has the potential to shorten your life expectancy type thing. It is hard to get your head around though. When I was younger and heard we were running out of trees I would look outside and think but I see lots of trees, they are everywhere. I can appreciate the immediate danger of say a gun but the long term danger of food choices (or disappearing resources) seems much more difficult to grasp... well it isn't going to kill me right now and nobody lives forever coupled with there being no guarantees (so enjoy the now). That justification might be partially because I'm still too immature, I can't seem to look at the long term consequences with much seriousness, past me is a fan of screwing over future me and all that. But in the end I do force myself to, so that is something. I'm trying to work out why. Health... partially. Guilt? Almost entirely. Guilt and anxiety is driving most of my choices - I want to be seen positively and I want to avoid the embarrassment of ill health or say passing out whilst walking a longer than usual distance might cause. I feel like illness would reflect badly on me. The challenge and self competition plays a part too.

So is that healthy... I don't know, maybe not but what is healthy? My body is healthy but my mind is... compromised? Am I healthy for the wrong reasons? Does that matter if it works? There isn't a tangible negative really, I feel happy and positive. If I fail though, it might be different. I really don't know, anxiety is driving the getting fit but getting fit is stomping all over the anxiety... is it my universes way of balancing me in a positive way?

So where are your lines? How did you come up with them? How do you define active enough? How do you define a healthy enough diet? What motivates you?