The *down* side to gentle parenting?

[jackrose]

I'd have low points on my gentle parenting journey too, resort to less gentle methods and then go back to it when I was stronger. I think the big thing is support. All methods of parenting work better with extra hands, support and most importantly - giving more to yourself. You can so easily burn out with gentle parenting if you dont have this. Do you have other people around you who can come and give you some help for a while? Makes a huuuuuge difference.

You know what, this is exactly it.

DH works faaaar to many hours in the day, 7 days a week and I do feel like a work-a-holic widow, (with a third child when he is here ) Plus he is about to head off for another overseas trip this week....

This is burnout for me and it is not the end of the world as I can still see the forest for the trees, I can see it for what it is. I am keenly aware that I need support and do what I can to arrange it. I just really wish that some of the parenting I had employed to date resulted in a baby who slept for more than 2 hours at a time... or a husband who got it when I said, I am exhausted, please help, let me sleep.

With regards to the other people who can help, I did have help from mum in the last few weeks but was so sleep deprived I have reached the level of insomnia and couldn't get to sleep when I had the chance. Seem to be addicted to those bf sleepy hormones

So i guess my next question to consider is "does gentle parenting only work with support?"

(ETA: this is really just me thinking things through in a way)

[Arcadia]

Oh, I could have written your post (in fact I may have) when DD was 8 months old...the only thing that saved my sanity was going home to my parents for a week and SERIOUSLY sleeping. I mean, I only had the baby for feeds, and everything else was done for me.

YES gentle parenting works better with help...in fact ALL parenting works better with help.

You sound isolated and overwhelmed, and frankly very darn lucid for someone so fatigued.

Is is possible to keep some of your philosophies about GP, while still getting support? Can you call on relatives for a "holiday" wiuth only one child, or for some meals, or some cleaning duties.

It is very hard to ask for help, but even harder to cope without it. Where are you based? Could some local BBers come and give you a hand.

You're not alone in this.

Let go of the guilt (some advice I need to take). This too shall pass, and right now you sound like you're in survival mode...do whatever it takes to get you through!!

thinking of you

[BellyBelly]

We are not wired to parent this way. We weren't designed to do it all. We weren't designed to work full time, raise a family - women are nurturers and all about community. But we're stuck in a house with babies and at our wits end trying to parent how our heart tells us but the body is screaming out, 'please stop and care for me.' Its just not going to work that way. I too had the IT widow/overseas travelling situation and felt very very alone. It sent me crazy and doubting myself, the way I parented, and the guilt because I wanted to give them what they deserved.

It takes a village to raise a child and its never too late to build your village. Go get yourself a massage STAT and think about a plan to support you, so you can mother to the best of your abilities - because you feel mothered too. If youre on my FB had a very interesting discussion about this yesterday!

[Trillian]

I agree with Arcadia - nothing works without support. If you are in that situation it wouldn't matter what you did, you would still reach a point where you just burn out. And there are no guarantees that if you followed other methods that you would have babies that slept better. Some babies are just crap sleepers period. I know what it's like to feel like you are mostly doing it alone too. When I had our 3rd bub DH was working a 13 day fortnight with only Sundays off and 14 hour days for SEVEN MONTHS!! I had a 3.3yo, a not quite 2yo and a newborn and it was hell! It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. So I totally understand where you are coming from in that regard. So just do what you have to do and when you do have the support available to you grab it with both hands and take it. And don't be afraid to tell people you need help. We get pretty good at making it look like we are coping and have our act together when really we are like a duck on water - calm as anything above the water but paddling furiously beneath it.

[Ozziehoffy]

*nods* oh I remember the full on sleep deprived days like that... Elijah was shocking until 14 months old and I was at my wits end so often and just pictured myself looking like in some of the cartoons, the ladies with the fag hanging out of their mouths (except that I gave up years before), the slippers on, the robes and the hair up in rollers with the scarf around it and those GINOURMOUS bags under their eyes... that's how I felt I looked lol. I have to say that the days where I have not had a good nights sleep.. .yep are the hard ones... but also I hear you on DH working. Now, I know he has to work, I understand that and I feel very lucky to be able to be a SAHM (but I tell you sometimes I wish I worked cos it's easier during the day lol..) but the hours are just insane! Today, for instance, he left home at 4:30am and didn't get home until 6:30pm... it is really hard when the days just drag on and on. Some days, I actually do nothing, no housework, apart from cooking and just the kitchen tidy up but NOTHING else cos I NEED to not do it.

[~Hestia~]

everyone has said it better than I could ever hope to.

But thank you for posting this thread. I think I really needed to read your responses at the moment too.

[Smoke Jaguar]

The 'down side' to gentle parenting is that because our society has become so family un-friendly (so much for work-life balance - unless it involves no family and balancing houseboat trips with work!), it takes more effort to 'hold the space' and shield ourselves from all the pressures we get from all sides!
To me, gentle parenting is my aim, not necessarily what I do all the time. We're all fallible.
I remember one of Pinky's general emails that said if you feel like you "can't cope" it means you're not getting the help you need to do the job you're doing. When DP gets home and sees the house (well, his mum's house where we lived until last Friday...he's still there, he he!) messy and things not done and gets antsy about it, I know that he's on the verge of accusing me of 'not coping'. And I just want to yell "No, I'm not 'coping', so get off my case and just let me parent"! As in, my 'job description' is for parenting, NOT housekeeping...that's a bonus I chuck in when I can, these days
Mate, I've been having some shocking days, lately. DS is really taking off in his personality and with all the pressures until I moved the kids and I to the farm I just couldn't really balance out what DP expected to get done, how MiL was getting peeved with the kids doing their kid things in her house (and the not so subtle indications that she doesn't agree with my parenting, therefore, won't support it), external pressures like bill paying etc. I am now living in a caravan with my kids, but dammit, it's on my own turf, with very little 'housekeeping' and I've had the best 5 days I've had in ages with the two kids. And that's on my own! I thought I'd be a heaving mess by now! DP is due to join us for a couple of weeks next week, so I wonder how that will change the dynamic again. I'm hoping the rest of the week is a good innoculation against whatever negatives he brings with him.
Amazing what taking away some pressure can do. The only aggro I've had is at the pool when DS has tuned me out and nearly drowned his sister...another story...
Ultimately, be true to yourself and to your kids. You are only answerable to them, and one day they'll be asking you about how you raised them, and I reckon you'll be able to hold your head pretty high

[Ozziehoffy]

Ultimately, be true to yourself and to your kids. You are only answerable to them, and one day they'll be asking you about how you raised them, and I reckon you'll be able to hold your head pretty high

*nods* this I like... this I think I need to keep in mind.

[jackrose]

I'm having trouble responding to your wonderful replies, both on a personal level (you have all offered wonderful, supportive, positive and real advice) and on the bigger question which is a very interesting one I think. There is so much to address in all of this and I am not really in a state to organise any of it into any sense!

You sound isolated and overwhelmed, and frankly very darn lucid for someone so fatigued.

Thank you for your kind works, I am glad I have come across making reasonable sense as I do feel quite confused!

Honestly, I have thought about this issue a lot, at times when I didn't feel quite so overwhelmed. Mostly it was at times I read other people's posts about feeling lost in the world of parenting, at the end of their tether, and have at times replied with support. It is good to have threads like these sometimes so that those of us going through the challenges realise and remember that it is common, normal and to be expected. ( Shades, CheezleMonster and Ozziehoffy and anyone else reading this and nodding your head).

We get pretty good at making it look like we are coping and have our act together when really we are like a duck on water - calm as anything above the water but paddling furiously beneath it.

This is exactly the truth. I can't count the number of people who have said I look great/together/doing well in the last few weeks. Right at a time when I feel at my wits end! (I blame the sugar! - I recently gave up sugar and have never felt better for it so I hate to think how I would be traveling if I was still 'on the stuff'!!)

I do feel strongly about sharing our bad times as much as we do our good times so have made it clear to those around me that I am struggling. I have received lots of supportive encouragement which has been a blessing - just knowing that people know and understand can make the difference between making it through the day or falling in a heap. Practical help is a little more difficult to line up though isn't it?

Having said that, my little breakdown last night did have a happy resolution. Felt better for getting it out here and Dh and I negotiated an answer to the sleep issue. He took the first shift and I got the second. I slept on the couch and managed to get 6 straight hours for the first time in MONTHS! What a difference, new woman here!

I think it is important to get past the issue of labels though because that is not really what this is about. Labels can sometimes make life easier as they can clarify things, but on the flipside, they can alienate and weigh heavily too. I guess for me, the label gentle parenting makes things simple as I can 'grasp' what it is that I want to do/be but it is not the be all and end all. I hate to think that it makes me feel like I have all the answers. It is just that "low point" I am interested in/struggling with and think it helps to work through.

I guess my original question and the title of this post should be changed to "the down side to having ideas about how you want to parent"!!

I realise that this does sound as if I have very high standards and am putting undue pressure on myself. I think this is a pretty normal thing but do recognise that it can be detrimental if it becomes too overbearing. It can be such a fine line really.

I know my children will survive and not suffer for what has gone down around us for the last few weeks/months but it is pretty heartbreaking to loose it completely in front of your children and then have your 3 year old look at you frightened and say "take a big breath mummy, then you will feel better" breaks my heart. Then, to watch her replay out my little tantrum, complete with the swearing, at her little sister for touching her toys

all your gentle parenting so far IS valuable - don't discount it all & feel like it's worth nothing just because you're burnt out right now. It's the downside of being informed I guess, how you are feeling now - but better to know, and practise it where you can, than not know at all.

You are right and I do hold on to that thought. I do believe that all the work I have done to this point is a great foundation and it is good to be reminded of it right now. I think you have actually summarised my entire point here with your statement how I am feeling now is the downside to being informed.


I guess I also feel really angry that I don't have the support I want and need. Disappointed in myself and in my DH for letting me down. That is part of being a parent too I guess, working through these issues.

I remember one of Pinky's general emails that said if you feel like you "can't cope" it means you're not getting the help you need to do the job you're doing.

Right on! Parenting is never ment to be a solitary exercise and our society is pretty crazy arranaging itself in nuclear families, then expecting parents to head out of the house to work without the support networks in place that children flourish under.

As I mentioned before, there are a lot of wonderful words in this thread, I am sitting on many of them and feeling better, inspired...

To me, gentle parenting is my aim, not necessarily what I do all the time. We're all fallible.

I like it.

[Fleur]

We are not wired to parent this way. We weren't designed to do it all. We weren't designed to work full time, raise a family - women are nurturers and all about community.

I couldn't have said that any better. The society we live in isn't really geared for gentle parenting (witness the amount of people who think you should feed to a schedule and that baby should 'fit in with our lives')

And what Arcadia said - all parenting works better with help.

I know that when I get over this hurdle, I can re-visit gentle parenting, I just hate that it has led to me being as overtired and as insane as I am right now cos I know better.

I have to say, CC and CIO don't give any guarantees of a good night's sleep - I have done it the other ways & I was still tired & stressed out. At least this way I know she's doing better than me
I don't think anyone should beat themselves up though if they need to do things differently for a bit. It's all part of doing what works for you. We all have our limits, I don't know any supermums who don't have a point at which enough is enough! or an area in which they wish they could do better.
And, FWIW what you have done, all your gentle parenting so far IS valuable - don't discount it all & feel like it's worth nothing just because you're burnt out right now. It's the downside of being informed I guess, how you are feeling now - but better to know, and practise it where you can, than not know at all.

You're doing a wonderful job, and this too shall pass