Can't take much more of this

[lestyrox]

Me again......

I don't know how much more i can take. I am having MAJOR problems with my toddler and 6 week old and i feel like i'm not coping. Today has been a really bad day (which seems to be the norm these days).
Firstly my 6 week old son is sooooo hard to settle to sleep, taking on average around and hour or more to get to sleep. I wrap him, feed him, burp him, rock him, put white noise/music//radio on and nothing helps. I find that he just starts to drop off to sleep and then he jerks himself awake even though he's wrapped. This goes on for over an hour, he just can't seem to get past his light sleep into deep sleep its a NIGHTMARE! on top of that he has lots and lots of wind. I've been up since 1am because he was just constantly farting and grunting in discomfort. I tried rubbing his tummy, bycicle legs, legs to chest and today i even tried infacol drop but even that didn't help. He finally slept from 6:30-8:30am and then spent the next three hours unsettled and gassy again. He slept over lunch but i'm trying to settle him again now and its been over an hour again. I'm ready to pull my hair out! I've been googling like crazy trying to find why he's so hard to settle/gassy. He's breastfed so i'm thinking maybe its something i'm eating? I think i am a bit lactose intolerant so i'm going to cut out dairy for a week and see if that helps... but honestky i'm just grasping at straws. I just don't know what i'm doing wrong, he's just sooo hard to settle.
On top of that my 2 year old is constantly throwing very very loud tantrums and hitting/scratching/throwing his toys/drink etc. I'll just get my 6 week old of to sleep and my toddler will throw a fit about something and then he'll be wide awake and i have to start all over again. My toddler isn't speaking much yet so i have to spend the day guessing what he wants and trying to avoid a tantrum and i just don't have the time and energy for it.

I just don't know what to do i feel so out of control and exhausted. I keep snapping at screaming at my toddler because i've just had enough. I cant help feeling resentful and i feel terrible for feeling this way.
I called my hubby today in tears and he came home for a bit so i went for a drive and had some 'me' time which helped alot but i know he can't do that everyday.
I thought being a second bub my newborn would be more settled but if anything he's worse than DS1.
I'd like to hear from other mums of two (or more). How did you cope? When does it get better? Do any other mums have any advice/words of wisdom? I know i'm not the only mum to go through this and i know a lot of people are far worse off and i should be thankful that my boys are healthy but i'm feeling so overwhelmed right now

[Rouge]

The age gap between my two was almost double yours but it was still hard. My biggest advice would be try and get out as much as possible, join a playgroup or somewhere you can socialise with other mums and your older son can socialise too. Its just as hard for them as it is for you and when he's trying desperately for your attention it makes it worse. Try and break up your day with walks, drives, anything you can to get out of the house as it will make the day go quicker. And it will be even better if you can find a group of other mums to do it with.

I can't comment on the age gap you have, but when you are first learning how to be mum to 2 it is hard, in some ways its easier and other ways its harder its just because the challenges are different.

Goodluck

[Arimeh]

I noticed that it started getting better around 2 months - she was easier to settle, maybe it was because we figured out she had silent reflux so put her on drops and she was having chiro - but whatever, it worked wonders, and is a baby that you can just put in the cot and she'll put herself to sleep (which I never thought would ever happen!)

My toddler is getting more teeth - so is very cranky, clingy and throwing lots of tantrums - so I totally understand and empathise where you are at... its sooo difficult...

But you've only been learning this new job of yours for such a short period of time.. hang in there honey - the bad days don't happen as often - and it WILL get better.

In the meantime - just try and make sure everyone survives the day (even if you have to let the toddler watch heaps of tv!!! It is a coping mechanism for us worn out mums)

I do remember reading DS a book and having DD in the basinnette and rocking her to sleep at the same time.... and that worked a few times, so that might be an idea? Or I put her in the Ergo and just take DS outside and let him ride his bike, play with the dogs etc... just getting out in the fresh air does wonders.

you are doing a great job - even if you don't think you are. Its not easy!!

[MrsFabuloso]

Hi lestyrox,

I have a 20mth old and 3mth old (16mths and newborn a few months ago!!). Alot of what you have said struck a chord with me. I have had similar feelings. My DS was very unsettled for the first few weeks too. I found that cutting out dairy, chocolate and spicy foods really helped. I have been trying to reintroduce these things but today he has been super unsettled which I have put down to reintroducing milk and a bit of chocolate! SO, still no more chocolate or milk for mummy...
I am cosleeping with DS which helps with the sleeping in our house. DS is waking 3hrly for feeds and DD is up at 5.30am every morning. My DD also still wakes several times a night too, so I need all the sleep I can get.
My DD is very...active, to put it nicely She has been climbing the dining table, dining chairs to get things on benches, and sooo much more! I am really trying to be patient with her and remind myself that she's trying to adjust and she's only a toddler trying to explore too. But it is hard and I must admit to having a pretty short temper on many occaisions. I have called DH in tears several times too. It's so hard.
Do you have a sling or carrier? I find that if it all gets too much for me I will take the kids out for a walk or go to the shops for a while, put DS into his carrier and he will sleep, I feel better for having been out, DD is better for having done something different and so the rest of the day is better. Or if I can't get out, I just put bub in the carrier and and walk around the house and do what I need to. He will settle for me in the carrier. I really need to have time out too. When DH is home I take time out and he will also let me sleep in.
I still have really bad days, even bad weeks. But on the most I am coping a bit better now. It has gotten easier with time.
Take care of yourself. And try to keep perspective, though I know how hard it can be.

[Nelle]

We were similar, my second still isn't talking, and he was a fairly easy baby, but number two had troubles with wind too!

I'll tell you what I did to sort out our wind problems a bit. I used Brauer's colic relief, avoided cabbage and any other food that was known to make babies windy, and slept bub on his tummy for day sleeps (eventually this became all sleeps, even night, but that's against SIDS recommendations, so I'll let you decide for yourself whether this is for you or not). Sleeping bub on his tummy put a bit of pressure on his tummy and that helped with pain relief I think. Also, I would make sure bub had entirely drained one breast before switching to the next - the hindmilk is less sugary and thicker, so less likely to give bub wind. There's a threads on colicy/windy babies if you want to go find out more.
ETA: Oh yeah, and as Mel said, as time goes on, and their gut matures, the wind issue tends to resolve itself.

As for the 2 year old, does he still nap? I put #1 down for a nap/quiet time every day. And fed him dinner earlier in the day (and then a snack at dinnertime), which really improved his mood. Plus, if yours likes food, have a small stash of snacks on hand to give him for when you're busy with bub. Mine could be pacified with an arrowroot biscuit and a book on the couch. Sometimes with two, you need to buy your time. Plus some special time with him when you can, even if you read a book together while you feed bub.

And I also agree with Cai, if you can get out sometimes, even to a family member's or friends, who doesn't mind if you're an hour late, go for it.

[Jennifer13]

Hi Lesty and I hope things get better soon.

Have you tried a sling or a hug-a-bub with the baby? This would leave your hands free and you could still get things done with your toddler, but would give him the comfort and security he sounds like he wants. The only other thing I'd suggest is getting as much help and support as you can from family and friends.

[Claire]

I found the first 3 months the most challenging and then a routine of sorts developed. I used a hammock to mostly settle my newborn but would also use a HAB sling and a Ergo and I found these wonderful because I wouldn't need to go off into another room to put the baby asleep, leaving my toddler to fend for herself (which was her time to the exact opposite of what I'd asked her to do!)

My toddler was allergic to dairy as a baby and reacted to it through my breastmilk - asking to be referred to a paed or allergist might be a good idea. I restricted my diet as I wanted to continue to breastfed and continued that on for some time. When we weaned at 22 months I reintroduced dairy to my diet.

Do you have any other support around? Have you joined a Mother's group or ABA group or have friends that you can pop over to with the kids during the day.

If you can manage to get their day sleeps to coincide eventually that would be wonderful for you - my toddler decided to drop her sleep though when the new baby arived so it was very rare here!

Hang in there, it DOES get better. It's a tough transition one to two I think!

[aussienic]

I will offer this advice as it worked for me in regards to a baby who couldn't stay asleep..

This is not a SIDS recommended sleep position.. But I used to put DD on her tummy.. From abut day 6 I think.. She just would not sleep and I had popped her on the couch beside me thinking that was the reason she wouldn't stay asleep but put her on her tummy and she slept there for 3 hours.. I did it that night in bed and same thing I started getting better blocks of sleep..

We have an angelcare monitor as well though so I did feel comfortable in doing this. SO if you feel at all uncomfy with it just ignore my suggestion

another idea is when bub falls asleep during the day stay there and pop a movie on for your DS2. (if he watches movies that is.. if you have a laptop go youtubing with him and show some funny little videos. My DD1 who just turned one is finding dancing Xmas lights entertaining so thats something he might like

I know how much just getting the baby off you is needed during the day so you feel like you have had some sort of break but sometimes youu just have to get them to sleep more so they sleep more then eventually some sort of routine creeps in without you knowing..

I hope you are able to get some rest and a break soon. those first few months can be a little tough..

[lestyrox]

Thanks for your kind words and advice everyone. Its nice to know i'm not alone and that it does get better.
Last night was a bit better. My newborn was unsettled untill around 9.00pm and just wanted to be held but when he finally went down he slept until 2:30 (i gave him a dream feed at 11pm). From 3am onwards he was unsettled again with lots of gas. Thanks for the advice Claire, today i have officially started my dairy free diet. I'll give it a week or two and see if there is any improvement... heres hoping
I'm part of a playgroup which is lovely but i haven't been since bub arrived coz i'm not game enough yet to juggle two.. plus Ds1 is teething atm (did i mention that?) so he's reeeaaaally intolerant and grumpy especially around people atm so i think playgroup will have to wait for now but i'm hoping to get back in the new year.

Ds2 sleeping now which is wonderful. I'm finding that he needs to be held untill he falls asleep and then i can put him in his bassinette. I'm a bit worried that this will get him into the habit of being held to sleep but i'm desperate and it seems to work(sometimes).

Thanks for the sleeping advice aussienic and nelle, i've been considering sleeping bub on his tummy but haven't tried it yet. He seems to settle a bit when he's on his side but then the dummy falls out and he wakes up again

Nelle- i've used Brauer's colic relief and it seems to help a little. I prefer to use that over infacol/infants friend etc becuase it seems like a more natural product but i was so desperate yesterday i was willing to try anything

I know how much just getting the baby off you is needed during the day so you feel like you have had some sort of break but sometimes youu just have to get them to sleep more so they sleep more then eventually some sort of routine creeps in without you knowing..

Thats how i feel aussienic, i feel like i'm constantly giving to either DS1 or DS2 all day.. i know thats a mothers job but by the end of the day i'm so mentally and physically exhausted that i feel like i have nothing left, poor hubby comes home and i can hardly hold a conversation with him. I know eventually some sort of routine will work itself out.. I hate to admit it but i find myself wishing away the time which i hate myself for. These first few weeks are so precious and i know i'll never get them back but i just want the time to go so that DS2 is 3-4 months so things get better (DS1's sleep seemed to improve around then) Am i a bad mummy for thinking that?

lilias- thanks for sharing your experience. Its nice to know that i'm not the only one feeling this way. My toddler is very 'active' as well to put it very nicely lol. He's into everything these days, i feel like i'm constantly saying no!
I have a carrier and i'll give that a try today if things get bad, Ds2 seems to settle when he's in it.. problem is it hurts my back but thats the least of my worries so and if he's happy then i'm happy!
I got outside this morning with Ds1 while DS2 is asleep... we just picked some flowers in the backyard and i put the washing on the line but it was good to get out

I think the hardest thing is the frustration. I hate feeling so frustrated at my boys and its hard having no release for the frustration IYKWIM... at least when i'm frustrated at Dh i can yell at him and not feel too bad (he gives just as good as he gets ) and then we both feel better but when it comes to my boys i have to try and stay in control and level headed which i'm finding reeeeaaaly hard because then all the frustration seems to build up and i end up crying and yelling

Anyway thanks again for the advice everyone, i feel a bit better having opened up about everything. I better go and give DS1 a bit of attention he's tearing apart the kitchen...

[Jennifer13]

Lesty, if your carrier hurts, get a new one. The girls on here have heaps of suggestions that you can look at to decide which works for you. Honestly, the hug-a-bub was a lifesaver for me when I had a tiny baby. Your baby will not get in bad habits at such a young age. He has just gone from being held, rocked, comforted 24 hrs a day to a LOT less. Even carrying him around for 12 hrs would be a 50% cut in his world. A more settled and comforted baby usually has less issues around sleeping, etc, as they get older, so whatever works for him!

Hope you get some rest!

[~Trish~]

It's tough in the beginning, but it DOES get better, I promise! My DS2 was so windy too (what is it with second babies?), I found Infacol was the only thing that worked for us, but Brauer Colic Relief worked well with DS1. My MCHN told me that Infacol can take up to 24 hours to start working, so if you are desperate, maybe try it a bit longer, but I undertand wanting to go with an all natural product.

My DS2 slept heaps better on his side too, I would prop him there with an anti-roll pillow. DS1 loved being held while he slept so we bought an Amby baby hammock and it was the BEST thing ever! I could put him in it and bounce him off to sleep, he loved the motion and being all snugged in. You can hire them if you want to give one a try.

Hang in there, you are doing a great job and you'll get through this .

[~Trish~]

Double post, not sure how that happened!

[lestyrox]

well yesterday and last night were soooooo much better Ds2 settled fairly well yesterday (apart from normal witching hour from 4-8pm) and slept like an angel last night! He went down at 8:30ish and i gave him a dream feed when i went to bed at 10pmish and then he slept until 2am, had a feed and then slept until 5:30am! He was a bit gassy from 5:30am onwards (that seems to be his 'gassy' time) but all up i got 7 hours sleep! woooohooo! its amazing how a good sleep makes you feel so much better.
I'm off the dairy and already Ds seems not as gassy, i'm still using bruares when i need to (usually at the end of the day for some reason).
So today i feel more like me again and it doesn't feel like the world is coming to an end Since chatting on here i'm feeling a bit more relaxed. DS2 is still really hard to settle but i'm sort of going with it and if i have to carry him around to get him to sleep then so be it. I don't know why but i was thinking he HAD to fall asleep in his room so i was forever going in and resettling and getting frustrated instead of picking him up and just carrying him around.. i guess i thought that if i took him out of his room he'd wake up more with all the noise but it seems like he actually likes the noise.. which is good because DS1 is soooooooo loud!
So give yourselves a pat on the back ladies because after chatting on here i feel more relaxed (well as relaxed as a mum of a newborn and toddler can be lol) Hopefully we'll fall into a routine soon and things will get easier and more predictable

Trish- where can i hire or buy the Amby baby hammock from? How long can bubs stay in there? I'm using a basinette atm and then he'll be into a cot when he's around 3 months and too big for the bassinette but maybe a hammock would make life easier?? I'm willing to try anything atm
thanks

[~Trish~]

You can hire them from places like Hire For Baby (I'm not sure if there are any branches near you). You could do a search of baby hire places near you on Google or the Yellow Pages. Otherwise look on eBay, you can pick them up pretty cheap sometimes. I used our Amby hammock up until DS1 was nearly 2! As long as your bub is safe and happy in there, you can use them for as long as you want. I swear it saved our lives! It was also great when going away because it packs up into a bag and DS1 had a familiar bed to sleep in wherever we went.

I'm glad to hear you had a better night last night!!

[lestyrox]

Thanks trish, i'm obsessed with ebay (bought half the contents of the house on there lol) so i'll have a bit of a search and see what i can find. Cheers!

[Madissun]

Im a mum of one Lesty so i dont really have any advice but just wanted to come in and give you a and tell you to hang in there. It'll get better, i promise xo

[Jennifer13]

well done, lesty, sounds like you're getting into the swing of things!