DP wants me to get 'tough' with DS next time he is caught in the act of killing another plant. I won't do what he's suggested (tell him to 'go away' and refuse him my attention etc - in the same breath as trying to say it's caused by my not giving him as much parenting attention since DD came along...makes no sense to me, how's that gonna make sense to DS if this really is the cause??) and now I have a sicho where DP is yelling and ranting to me in frustration at the trail of wreckage when he gets home (cos I'm not 24 hrs attentive to DS when DP's not home...duh, there's only ONE of me!!), and DS is just not paying me much heed.
I have done far more yelling lately than I ever wanted to and I hate it. I know as soon as I've yelled that I've just wasted my energy, created negativity and eroded DS's faith in me (I'm the adult, why am I yelling like someone who has zero emotional regulation??).
He is just not listening. He has tuning me out down to a fine art. He'll just look at me blankly and continue doing what I have just specifically asked him not to do (with associated reason - I don't merely lay down the law and expect compliance, because I don't value compliance, I value cooperation...till now!).
There are other things he's starting to do with no regard to my reasonable and polite requests to desist (climb up on furniture to get to things that were supposed to be out of his reach etc), but it's the wanton destruction of plant life that saddens me and is bringing out a lot of anger in DP. When other kids are here he literally leads them up the garden path and they do whatever he's doing, thinking it must be ok cos DS is doing it at his own house...WRONG! So, the other kids get in trouble (when DP is home) because DS is a bloody ringleader.
Up until now, explanations have had the gradual effect of realisation and it's been ok because they didn't involve living things. Actually, the only thing, until the plant thing of late, has been hurting the dogs - that still hasn't sunk in.
My conundrum here is that time is of the essence with both dogs and plants - plants will die when wacked and maimed. Dogs will develop fear and distrust, leading to bigger problems. I need a more immediate 'tool' than explaining, cos it's clearly not working. I do the 'Coco is sad and scared of you', 'would you like to be kicked?', etc etc. The only thing that works to get the small dog let off the leash (after being dragged around the house and yard) is to say that she needs to be let go to do a wee and have a drink. I don't threaten him with anything more than free will, I just say "if you don't take her off the leash, I will" - no "or else I'll [insert random 'punishment]" and that works wonders...but how to actually stop him from hurting her or plants in the first place??
Any anecdotes? tell me it gets easier! I just can't follow him around all day and I can't just sling up DD and give him the attention I'd like to - I just don't have enough of me to go around. And DP thought I was being silly wanting a larger age gap than 2 years...sheesh, I'd be out of my mind by now!
Sorry, rambling, it's late and DP and I had a heated discussion about what he wants me to do about DS when he's not here. He's not getting it and DS doesn't get it, I'm in a bind.
What is really breaking my heart is that DD is watching and listening to me relate to DS in this incredibly antagonistic manner - I don't want this to become how she sees my relationship with him, let alone how DS sees his relationship with me. I dont' want him to have this vibe with his dad, but that's up to DP in the end - DP answers to DS, ultimately, when the time comes to evaluate it all. I don't want DD to think she has to avoid being like DS so that I don't also yell at her. I love how DS is and his beautiful spirit - I dont' want to kill that to save the plants and the dogs. I don't want to raise DS to become a compliant adult, so compliance is not the aim now.
Will stop rambling and hope someone has some kind of tool I can borrow!!