To start - I don't have any specific advice about what to do with DS. Personally I would let him know you are really, really upset with him. You are top dog and and you have a puppy to protect (DD) from another dog (DS). At an animalistic level what you are doing is normal. But that is not why I am writing this post. I am doing so because I want you to STOP WORRYING

Now mate I know where you are coming from in your parenting philosophy and i respect it even though I don't entirely share it. So know that is where I am coming from when I say these things

Many of the studies about the detrimental effects of yelling and losing your cool and being unreaonable in punishment come from examining kids who have been maltreated, right? Sure some are based on animal research (I am thinking of Harlow's poor monkeys here) but mostly the theories on the damage bad parenting does come from case studies of children who have been abused, because no way would you get a "yelling at kids all day" experiment past an ethics committee. Am I right?

So with that in mind, don't think that if you lose your cool or yell at the kids that they will be damaged long-term. I am certain that 99.9 to 95% of the time you are loving, attentive, caring, affectionate and considerate of DS. If some of the time you lose your cool with him, he will cope. That is life. You annoy people, they get peeved off. He will still fall back on the remainder of his relationship with you when he needs you. You will still be a soft place to land when he needs you.

As for DD, she is a second child. Her life and experiences will be different to DS. You cannot shield her in the way you did DS. She will be hit and teased and pushed and sat in in a way DS never was. You cannot stop this from happening all the time. She will be rougher because she has an older sibling, she will learn to defend herself, she will be wily before her time - all of these things - because of her place in the family. You cannot stop this - it is a natural consequence of having an older brother. But she will cope. She will live with it.

And remember your mantra - this too shall pass!

What is going on now in these early days and months and years of DD's life will not be the pattern for your family. DS will develop reason and compassion, DD will develop her mind and body and grow strong, and you and DP will learn your way with two children. It will change over time. It will get better, then worse, then better again, and so on until they leave home. You now have a 4 way relationship going on here!!

Hope this helps hun. This too shall pass.....