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Thread: Does he 'need' to spend time away from us?

  1. #1

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    Default Does he 'need' to spend time away from us?

    Kynan seems to be a sensitive little boy & needs lots of reassurance in new situations. He can get startled/scared quite easily, like at mother's group if someone talks to him and pulls a funny face at him he'll start crying, same if he hears the other babies squealing or making any loud noises, or if he thinks I'm too far away from him. He'll cry too if someone he's not used to holds him and he'll quickly gets inconsolable. Also if we're out shopping he'll be in the hug a bub and get excited & laugh when we walk past people, but if anyone comes up and deliberately tries to get a smile out of him he'll cry (I'm sure no one believes us when we tell them he's usually such a happy & easy going baby! LOL).

    I don't see any problem with any of this, I think his reactions are only natural but I seem to be getting a lot of comments from other people about it... such as "ohhh you haven't left him yet have you", like he wouldn't be like this if we regularly left him with people he doesn't know.



    TBH I've never really felt the need to be apart from him. As long as I get some 'me time' occasionally I'm happy but I've never felt like I need to spend this time out of the house, away from him completely you know? But perhaps that's where I'm different... When asked what the hardest part of motherhood has been the other mums said it was not being able to do all the things they used to & having to give up that 'freedom'. I really don't feel like I've had to 'give up' anything! Some things have changed and some things need to be done differently now that we have Kynan but I feel that he's added so much to my life, not taken anything away from it!

    Anyway. So do you think it's necessary that he spends time apart from DH & I? He always goes out with us, shopping etc and we go to mother's group regularly and we'll be taking him swimming soon with other bubs so it's not like he never gets to see other people. We don't have any family near us either so we don't really have anyone we'd trust to look after him.

  2. #2

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    I don't think you do Angel IMO. Matthew does get time apart from us but that is only because both of work a couple of days a week and atm it has to be like that.

    If he sees other kids, then I'd say that's all the socialisation he needs.

    Just for the record though, Matty does spend a couple of days a week with his nan and he did/sometimes still does all those things you mentioned with Kynan - I think it may be something they all go through!

  3. #3

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    I think it comes down to convenience. If there isn't anyone that can form a bond with Kynan in the way that the 3 of you would feel comfortable well its not going to be easy to find someone else to mind him. I do prefer that our children feel comfortable in others care and not just our own. Purely for their own independence, (not everyone agrees with this) but I like the fact that Paris is secure within herself. She is more than happy to tell us if she doesn't want us to go anywhere or if she needs to be with us, but on the opposite side I know I can leave her with other people (whom we trust) and she's comfortable. I think its helped the transition to Kinder, its also helped when there have been emergencies and we've needed her to be minded and she doesn't find the situation distressful, I think if she weren't used to that and something did come up and she found the situation distressful that would be harder for all of us to deal with.

    BUT I am talking about my 4 y.o. daughter. I think its slightly different for a 7 mth old baby! I don't think you are doing Kynan any disservice, and I'm sure the older he gets and the more people that come in and out of his life he will find it more comfortable. Also their personalities can come into play alot, my MIL had 5 children and some of her kids were more than happy to be sociable with others and some would only allow her to do anything for them. I think if the situation was detrimental to your relationship with your DH, or Kynans future socialising skills (which I don't think, from what you've described, it is.) then its not a problem.

    And just because someone elso may do things differently within their family unit does not make what you do (or they do) wrong it just means this is what works for you, and if it stops working well then you'll know that something needs to change LOL!

    Don't worry hon! I think you guys are doing a great job. And just because Kynan doesn't want people in his face lol doesn't mean his suffering because he isn't babysat from time to time He's only 7 mths old

    *mwa*
    Cailin

  4. #4
    Melinda Guest

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    My Mum watched Jacob for 1.5 hours when Jacob was 4w old and I stressed the entire time - Jacob was fine. Jacob wasn't left with her again until he was over 10 months old - for the same reasons as you mentioned - I didn't feel the need to be away from him and quite frankly, I don't think either of us was ready for it!

    Having said that, both DH and I wanted Jacob to develop a bond with another person so that should there be some kind of emergency, he would feel comfortable going to them and being in their home (or in our home with them alone) and wouldn't get upset, and so that we too wouldn't be worrying. So we set about having Jacob go to my Mum's house for an afternoon a week. It was very hard to begin with and Jacob got very distressed, and so did I to be honest, but I trusted Mum and knew he was safe with her and her home was safe. I also knew that if Mum felt he really wasn't coping, that she would ring me. It took about 7 weeks until he really felt comfortable in the situation. Now, he doesn't cry at all when I leave - he's very happy with his Nanny! They have a lovely bond and to me, that's very special and unique on it's own, but to know that if that "emergency" did eventuate, that he could go to her without fuss, is also a huge relief. Like Cailin said, I do feel that this has also helped him with his self-confidence and independence - I think he has more confidence in going into different situations than what he may have otherwise had. Obviously this is all guess work, but comparing him now to before he went, I think he may have been more cautious than what he is now, had he not started going to Mum's and establishing that relationship with her. He's generally a fairly sociable little boy, but he too does need reassurance and to know that one of us is there, but to also allow him that freedom to explore his surroundings.

    Jacob is a bit cautious when it comes to new people too, but he seems to overcome it reasonably quickly if he is given the oportunity to come back to us for cuddles/reassurance and can see that we are ok interacting with that person. Before you know it, he's off taking them a book or a toy or something like that LOL.

    Honestly, I wouldn't worry about Kynan's responses at all. Jacob would do similar things at the same age and I think it's normal. If you put yourself in their shoes, it probably is exciting to see things/people at the supermarket etc and to watch things happening, but if someone comes right up to your face and starts pulling faces at you or trying to tickle you etc, it could get a bit freaky.....particularly when you didn't initiate it!!! LOL It must get pretty overwhelming when you think about it at their level and what they know/understand at that age. He will trust you and DH above all others at this stage and there's no problem with that.

  5. #5

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    Angel IMHO this is not a problem. Due to working Dion has been left with my mum for at least a day a week since he was 3 months old. He is fine with her, no probs. BUT if he see's me, or hears my voice he goes hysterical until I hold him.
    He doesnt mind being held by the other mums at playgroup, as long as he can see me. I have trained him that way to be honest, as I do feel they need to feel a little Ok about being held by others. I would give him to them, but stay and talk to him, he loves seeing me face on for a change. I dont feel the need to leave him either ( though I do like ducking to Safeways without ANY of the kids, just coz they dont really enjoy it, so I try not to subject them to groceries too often)
    The twins ( whom are 7) have only spent 3 nights away from us and they were only in the past year. Rianna has never been away from us overnight. I dont miss my freedom either.

    You have to have trust big time if you want to leave your child with someone. My kids have only ever been babysat by Granny, Aunty, Pop. I'm not comfortable with it.

    You do what feel right to you, and dont let other people judge you, or thrust their opinions on you. Do what makes you and Kynan happy.

  6. #6

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    I agree with everyone else responses Angel... I do not see anything wrong with not having left Kynan with other people before, and nor do I think you 'need' to...
    It sounds like Aidyn has a pretty similar personality to Kynan, and was a very shy bub, who got upset at loud noises and strange people, and wouldnt venture too far away from us.
    However as he has grown older he has become more used to situations like that and deals with them better.
    I can count on one hand the amount of times that Aidyn has been watched for an extended time by somebody else...

    Remember when I was at the BB Conference, and DP was meant to be looking after Aidyn up here in Brissy, but got called into work, and MIL had to come up to watch Aidyn for the whole day... I was freaking out, as Aidyn had never been in a situation without Mummy or Daddy before, but he actually coped really well... and that is probably because he remembered who MIL was...

    So I do agree with Mels idea that it would be good to have another person that Kynan can get used to JIC of an emergency or something. Not suggesting that you would even have to leave him with them, but is there maybe someone close to you and DH who you visit regularly that Kynan will become familiar with?

    But anyway... I honestly think there is nothing wrong with you not wanting to leave him with anyone else...
    Try not to let other peoples judgements and opinions sway you... you know Kynan best, and he is afterall still only very little. I think you guys have such a beautiful relationship, and you are a wonderful devoted mother.

  7. #7

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    Angel - I agree with everyone, Kynan does not need to be left with someone else especially if you don`t want to.

    Matthew has only been left once with my Dad and that was when Mark took me to Hospital to be admitted, I kicked up a fuss about leaving Matthew, not because of thoughts that my Dad wouldn`t know what to do (of course he knows exactly what to do with him) just that I don`t like being apart from him and you will know exactly what I mean. Anyway both Mark and Dad thought I was being silly so I left him, it was only 3.5 hours later that Mark was with him again then my Dad brought him up to Hospital where he stayed with me until I was allowed to go home 2 days later.

    I have a good book which talks about staying with your children especially boys for a certain length of time, I`ll dig it out later and post exactly what it says for you.

  8. #8

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    Thank you so much, everyone! It's very reassuring to hear of others in similar situations!

    We do have neighbours who we'd trust to look after Kynan in an emergency but he still cries when they get too close or hold him LOL. But perhaps as some of you mentioned it might also just be a stage that he's at.

    Deeanne, that book sounds very interesting!

  9. #9

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    Raising Boys by Steven Biddulph talks about how boys are more prone to feelings of abandonment when they are young. I love the book, it's great to have an insight to the opposite gender and has been a great read for both of us.

    With Marisa, we copped this alot too Angel, as soon as she was 12 months, it was apparently time we HAD to get her out there. I tried occasional care despite me not being ready, I just walked out after saying goodbye and left her as they said almost in tears when I got to the car, and the two times I left her in the most 'righteous' way I was supposed to, they called me up to pick her up early as she was too upset. So after that I gave it up. They told me to keep at it, but I wanted Marisa to feel safe and clearly she didn't, it made things worse, especially with people she didn't know.

    Marisa is fine with others now, she is still a shy thing at first but that's just her personality. She learns to trust people in the way that I think she should - she respects them in time, and is cautious at first. This is how I would like her to be towards strangers anyway - I wouldn't have it any other way. I think Elijah will be different, he is 15 months and starts occasional care this year. If he is also hysterical after two sessions or so, I will pull him out until later too. But he is older than Ris was, he is familiar with the people and place as it was where Marisa went last year so I am sure we will be fine
    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
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  10. #10

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    Angel - Kelly just mentioned the book I was referring too, it`s a great read.

    Anyway here are a couple of quotes from the book:

    If at all possible, a boy should stay home with one of his parents until age three.
    Many studies have shown that boys are more prone than girls to separation anxiety and to becoming emotionally shut down as a result of feeling abandoned.
    Mothers are usually the primary parent but a father can take this place. What matters is that one or two key people love this child and make him central for these few years. That way, he develops inner security for life, and his brain acquires the skills of intimate communication and a love of learning and interaction
    These years are soon over. Enjoy your little boy while you can!
    Angel - Your doing everything a little boy wants from his Mummy and Daddy, for you to be with him most of the time and show him love and affection, don`t worry about what opinions other people have.

    I`m like you I don`t feel like I`ve given up anything for being a Mummy to Matthew but I have been given so much by being a Mummy

  11. #11

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    I was particlarly interested in those quotes when I was reading 'Raising Boys' myself last month...
    It is one of the reasons why I am only going to do part-time uni for the next couple of years, as I dont want Aidyn to be in full-time care... I just dont think it would be good for him (or ME especially!)! So 2 days p/w is the max that he is going to be in childcare... I am hoping he copes ok... he seems to love going to the creche at the gym for an hour a day, so hopefully this wont be too much of a shock for him.

    Its great that you have neighbours you can trust Angel, and you never know, if you ever have to leave Kynan with them he may just be ok! As I have found that Aidyn would act up, and get more upset with strangers when we were around, rather than when we werent there, if that makes sense?

  12. #12

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    Ambah, that's what my DD used to do when I first took her to creche. She would cry when I had to leave to go to work and I would be so stressed about it. I'd call the creche as soon as I got to work - about 10/15 minutes later - to see if she was ok and she would be happily playing.

    One morning I decided to drop her off a little early so I could watch how she was, and as usual she cried when I left but within minutes of me watching her through the window - out of her sight - she had stopped crying and was happily playing.

    The crying only went of for maybe a week, ten days and then there were no more tears.

    Angel, I'm sure Kynan will be fine if you leave him with neighbours you trust.

  13. #13

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    Hey Angel, have been meaning to post. Our home life is similar to yours, don't go out much, but don't have a real desire to do so. Maggie has only ever been left with other people twice, for about 1/2 hour each time. Luckily though she tends to be ok with other people, but she is a bit of a mummy's girl.

    To me if I wanted to spend my time partying and having a baby in someone else's care, then I would not have had a baby.

  14. #14

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    Angel, like the others have said, I wouldn’t be in a hurry to leave Kynan with anyone. Amy is almost 7 months old and we have not left her with anyone yet and don’t intend to. We have not felt the need to ‘get away’ and do things without her. She is a happy baby who likes being held by others so I don’t think she would worry too much. My MIL is constantly making comments about not being able to babysit Amy until she is 21 but we just ignore her. She is our baby and we will leave her with whom and when we want if ever decide to. We have discussed that she will have to be left when #2 is delivered so we may have to do a couple of trial runs with MIL before then. I was given ‘Raising Girls’ at Xmas which I will start to read. ‘Raising Boys’ sounds good.

  15. #15

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    Kelly & Deeanne, thank you so much for reminding me about 'Raising Boys'! I read it a few months ago but completely forgot about it. Must dig it out and have another read I think!

    We had friends over today and Kynan was okay as long as they kept their distance but as soon as they got down close to him he started crying. I just explained that ATM he's a bit sensitive around people he's not familiar with so Kynan just played & watched everyone from a bit of a distance and by the time they left he was okay to let them hold his hands for a bit.

    I think I really need to make sure that people respect his need for some space, and as he grows older make sure he knows it's okay to ask people not to get so up close & personal if he's not comfortable with it.

  16. #16

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    angel i didn't leave my older boys until they were about 4 years old. and i certainly would leave a baby. oscar is the same as kynan unsure about new faces but he's fine with den, josh, zak and me. i just sling him everywhere and he seems to know then that no-one will try and take him away from his mumma, like family wanting a cuddle. you're doing the right thing and WTF leaving a baby so they get used to it? what get use to feeling abandoned?

    keep doing what you're doing
    love beckles

  17. #17

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    den and i went and listened to Steve Biddulph about 8 years ago (little did we know we would have 3) he really helped us with how we approached josh and hence the others.

    beckles

  18. #18
    MiyaMommy Guest

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    This sounds so familiar...

    Miya is the same, but everyone told us to put her in Daycare...Everyone from my Mom to complete strangers....

    So, we put her in and it lasted for all of about 3 weeks.....She lost too much weight, and never wanted to go...She would cry as soon as we headed in the direction of the Daycare Center.....If we were going the other direction, she was all good.

    I don't think any child 'needs' time away....They get away from us whenever they need a break...Miya goes and plays with the toys in her room if she has had enough of us....

    Personally, we don't really want her to be over friendly with strangers anyway....It's not safe these days .....

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