Just noticing the "emotional blackmail" vein running through here. I lived in constant fear of disappointing my parents - and this could be at the age of 4 using my fork the wrong way up (I'm a lot more relaxed about cutlery as well as food!).

I think that it may not be all intentional. I notice that I do it to DS without even meaning to (he's a HUGE Thomas fan so telling him he has "caused confusion and delay" breaks his heart - I have only done that the once!). I think it is that, as children, we adore our parents so much, no matter who they are or what they do. It's so easy to forget how vast that love they have for us is. Which is why I don't agree with DS "getting used" to me not being there when I didn't have to when he was having his clingy phase, which did last longer than "normal" but he had no major traumas from it. Anyway. Just a hint of disapproval can bring their world crashing down. It's not necessarily deliberate emotional blackmail; my mother never did this deliberately. But it still happened.

TBH, I think her treating me and my sister as friends and having no rules when we were teenagers was far worse than the emotional blackmail. Dad was always really strict - far too strict and demanding - but he was only around less than half the time (due to his job).