FOOD - help please

[LG]

I've probably posted in the past about this but I'm seriously definitely over this

DS (3.5yo) has not eaten properly since he was 18mths old. This is SERIOUSLY all he has eaten in the past 2 years

• weetbix
• yoghurt
• cruskits
• bread (with nothing on it)
• milkshakes
• water
• sweet biscuits (occassionally)
• chocolates (again - only as a treat occassionally)
• scrambled eggs (only at Grandmas for some odd reason)
• avacardo (used to eat lots, but now only sometimes)
• banana (again if he's in the mood)

He hasn't eaten a scrap of meat, any vegetables or fruit (other than the occasional avacardo or banana). I've been waiting for him to 'grow out of it' or to see what other children are eating and want to try it, with out stressing him out about it. But i'm over it now. He is really really white and while he was a very chubby baby, he is now quite small for his age).

Today i tried to bribe him (not my usual preferred parenting method) but we nearly got somewhere. He was desperate to play in the curly tunnel slippery dip at Hungry Jacks so i told him he could do that if he just TASTED a bit of a chicken nugget. He was LITERALLY TERRIFIED of this chicken nugget. He was crying and shaking and it took me to talk him through step by step ("pick it up in your hand, put it to your mouth, bite a little, chew it, swallow it...") and he couldn't do it. It was like he just froze, he couldn't swallow. I stayed there with him for about half an hour (his choice because he wanted to do it so he could play) and by the end he could get to a stage where he could hold it to his mouth and nibble (as in literally scrape TINY bits in to his mouth). He played for awhile after that and enjoyed it.

I wish i knew what had happened to him to make him this way - he used to eat everything as a baby (although he was always quite particular about it being mushed up, he wasn't a big fan of finger foods).

In the past i have tried;

• withholding the food he wants, and only offering him what we were eating
• giving him what he wants for dinner (ie ONE CRUSKIT) and also a plate of what we were having
• giving him what he wants and pointing out what other kids were eating
• getting other children to offer him their foods
• bribing with toys and food (ashamedly)
  
  • naturpath

I KNOW it won't last forever, I KNOW he won't freak out about a chip or a chicken nugget forever. But right now, I just want him to eat like a normal child!!!! I want to be able to have lunch at a cafe, or at someones house without having to take cruskits in my bag everywhere.

He is such an easy kid in every other way. He sleeps great (we co-slept for a couple of years, but now he happily goes to his own bedroom), he is well behaved and has great manners, he toilet trained easily (including nights), and he has accepted his little brother in to our family sooooooooo well - i am SO proud of him. The food issue is driving me BONKERS. And no, he doesn't know that. Today i've sat him down and told him how important it is for him to eat meat and veggies so he can grow big and strong and be healthy and learn lots of new things when he starts kindy. he just cried and cried. But i am thinking it might be time for me to start getting tough with him. Maybe he NEEDS me to take control of this one for him in a way??? He is terrified of food, and it makes me so sad

If anyone has ANY suggestions or personal experiences or advice, please please please let me know what you think?!!

[Astrid]

Have seen this problem in various form on the show "House of Tiny Tearaways". Basically you need to take the stress out of meal times and add fun. Easier said than done of course. You may not realise it, but they can pick up on your stress and other personality traits. For example, many of the food problems on the show started with mums who were concerned about mess, every mouthful was followed by a fuss as the mum wiped the child's mouth and stressed. The child then learnt to fear wet foods, such as yoghurt. It was amazing watching this show to see children with major food fears in less than a week go from only eating crackers to eating a full roast dinner and asking for more.

There were examples of the child eating a new food when the mother was not around, often they would be eating it in an odd way, such as dipping it into something not usual. In one case when the mum appeared she immediately told the child off for eating the food incorrectly and the child then went all fearful of the food. She completely missed that he was eating something new, she was so bound by the norms of eating.

Ok, now I am not sure if you are anything like this, so please so not take offence, just giving examples of what I have seen that have caused problems.

So, you need to let go a bit, offer new foods, heap praise when he tries a new food and ignore the fear. Try turning eating into a game. The was one the Doctor set up. It was a row off cups, under each cup was a piece of new food (broccoli, apple etc, whatever the kid was not eating). At the end of the row as a prize, either a toy or the favourite food. She set a timer and made a huge game of see how quickly kid could lift the cup, try the food and move on to the next. Works really well if you have another kid involved with their own set of cups. Be prepared for mess and some odd eating ways, as he gets more comfortable with eating different foods.

[lilmumma]

I guess everyone tells us mums that they will grow out of it but its just so frustrating!

Have you tried involving him in preparing dinner?

I know my kids love getting in and helping and i find that they will try new foods if the know they helped cooked.

I hope this helps!

[LG]

hmmm yeah, see i think i've tried making it messy and fun and low stress for the past 2 years. He is more than happy to make a mess - play with spaghetti etc and actually really enjoys helping me prepare dinner - he does every evening. BUT will NOT eat any of it. Even biscuits that have oats or something in them, or jelly - he LOVES making it, but won't eat it!

I was thinking it might be time for a different approach, but that WILL be stressful for him. And of course i don't want to see him upset, but I think i am just out of ideas. Its been 2 years of fun and mess and no stress, but just the past few weeks other people have started to comment also on how white he is, and skinny, and i really am starting to feel like i need to get some decent food in to him. I know it's not like all he eats is fried food - what he does eat is generally healthy, but there's no meat and no veggies and it's starting to show. I don't want him to get sick. he's at the age where he can reason and understand a bit more now. I just don't know how to approach it. Tonight we were going to have chicken snitzel and chips (which most kids would love!) and i've told him already that i would really like to see him try a bit.

On a regular basis all he eats for dinner is ONE PLAIN CRUSKIT.

[pip2jays]

LG - your post describes my middle child exactly.. He is 5 now.. and still this way.. I know you dont want to hear that.. BUT I have 8 years olds too ( 4 kids total) and they have grown out of it.. My 8 year old son was the same but nowhere near as bad as your and my sons.. I first noticed it at 10 months he would not go from puree to any kind of lumps at all.. I fed him puree till he was 3.. He would have bread and cruskits etc all the things you mentioned but would not try anything "normal" .. I have been very patient with him and not been overly active..I have had him cook with me shop with me and he chooses all the things mentioned but when it came to the crunch he wouldn’t put it in his mouth… however this past few months I have felt the frustration and I too want a normal child who sits and has a spag bol like all kids love.. I had to laugh though as he will eat schnitzel.. BUT only the one I make so I have to make it every second day .. that was my slow boil breaking point .. crumbing that chicken every second day ..LOL... anyway I do have a point..LOL..

I have worked out that he has a texture aversion.. I know this because his dad does too.. the plate of food has to match his perception of it.. so if food looks dry and then he tastes it and its mushy he gags and cant eat it and vice versa… if there are too many flavours of opposite on the plate he wont touch it.. because he cant tell what flavour he is anticipating.. So for example if its salty and sweet/sour in the same dish. He hates sauces of all and any, even tomato sauce!!! he will eat nuggets now but that took a year of trying.. He mainly eats white foods because they are texturally safe and mostly dry.. I cant even bribe him with "its sweet" no dice.. He is a sepretarian ( our term for it..LOL ) all the flavours must be separated. I had breakthrough this week that he actually had some noodles ( no flavour or topping but again they are white ) while the others had the whole spag bol.. so he prefers completely dry or completely smooth and nothing in between. I am of the firm belief he has a physical problem and its not a power struggle you know..

He will eat an apple but only if its crunchy and peeled ( so its white I gather..LOL) Oh and he will eat watermelon too.. not his favourite but will if I ask.. You don’t know how bad ..( maybe you do) I want him to eat eggs so I can broaden his nutrition base..

I give him vitamins and he will on occasion have v8 juice ( now comes in fruit mixes which I double strain but he does drink it.) and I ant really do much but ask and hope one day he will.. I have also had comments and helpful hints but you know if I had him sit there all day ( as my relatives think I should ) he would be quite happy to go to bed with nothing. I’m not into fighting and placing too much importance on food so I tend to make what he will eat and then try to coax him into eating and pray he will have something new.. Oh Oh another breakthrough the other day he had chicken out of its coating done in a soy sauce on the BBQ and he actually gave me the thumbs up… slowly slowly..

Anyway HTH with at least another person who understands..

I’m happy he eats cheese and yoghurt and apples and then chicken.. he has rice and cous cous at every meal and vegemite toast at every breakfast… what else can I do.. I do ask him now though what does this look like.. does it look like it will be sweet or salty?? I try to make his food Look like it tastes..

[LG]

Thank you so much for your post pip2jays!!!! I feel a lot less alone!

Evan didn't eat a thing tonight. DH wants to get tough with him. So i did agree to stick to it. Tonight i didn't give him his cruskit, but instead gave him exactly what we had. He FREAKED. He didn't touch a thing, but we made him sit there and at least participate in family dinner time. He was so upset and exhausted that he fell asleep at 6.30 when i was putting Zaccy to bed. I felt awful. he's in bed now and hasn't eaten a thing since 12.30 when he had a yoghut. I feel terrible.

DH is worried about Evan's health. I have to admit i do think he looks VERY pale, and a friend told me to look under his eyes and if it's not real pink then he could have iron deficiency. And its not. Pip2jays, are you worried about your son's health? I feel awful either way - when he doesn't eat anything he's not getting the nutrients he needs, and if i get tough with him, now i feel terrible that he's gone to bed with no dinner

I truly honestly believe it is a FEAR of foods. I just don't know the best way to help him through it.

[paradise lost]

LG i don't know how much help this is, but my DD had some pickiness earlier on and i did take the tough route. My job as i see it is to provide nutritious food, NOT to make her eat it. You gave him a choice and he chose. Yes, he went to bed hungry, but that was HIS decision. You didn't take his choices from him. This is a valuable time, he is learning about choice and consequences in a fair way. Your rules are fair and kind - you will all sit down together to have a meal, and you will all eat the same foods, and if anyone doesn't want to eat they don't have to. Try not to get caught up in his distress - food ISN'T dangerous or bad, his fear while real is misplaced and by responding to it by giving him something else to eat you are confirming his suspicion that there MUST be something wrong with the food. He will begin to eat. Try not to focus on him during mealtimes, don't make a fuss at his fuss. Remind him gently when he wants to get down that he mustn't, and talk as cheerfully as possible with anyone at the table who isn't freaking out.

Sometimes it's so painful when we have to be tough on our children, especially when (as i had) we might have decided in advance we were going to be our specific idea of gentle. But i tried all the fun etc. and it didn't work. DD needed very limited and clear parameters. Here is food. Eat or don't eat but you must sit here until i have finished - actually if it's a new food i let her get down IF she tastes everything on her plate at least once, and it can be a tiny taste. 90% of the time one tiny taste is enough for her to decide she likes it and eat it all up and the other 10%, well, no-one likes EVERYTHING.

Hang in there hun.

Bx

[jackrose]

opps, my post was supposed to be edited and ended up being posted twice... the real post is following...

[paradise lost]

Just a quick reminder that there is over about 1005mg of sodium in every tablespoon of soy sauce. The safe limit for a toddler is 300-1000mg per day. If littlies enjoy the flavour it's best to look for low-sodium options and dilute.

Bx

[pip2jays]

jackrose:
Then, based on how I felt as a child, maybe try offering your DS food in lots of separate bowls, (similar to a Japanese bento box style) so that food is separated into different tastes and textures. Otherwise, what worked for me was flavorings like soy or butter. Once I was comfortable with these, I would happily douse all foods in soy or butter to mask their flavors otherwise. Using a 'safe' sauce or something similar may be a way for your DS to comfortably try different foods.

this is exactly how I tackle it I try not to put the elements of the meal together.. I put the rice in a separate bowl and his chicken goes in another one so they dont mingle thats the problem exactly as you experienced it.... My 8 year old had the same problem but his was not as bad by far he would at least try small amounts before rejecting so he would test the texture first and see if it matched the look.. My 5 year old wont do that.. My 8 year old has completely snapped out of it.. he is more active and matter of fact and just tried things and been happy with the taste so thats taken over.. the taste rather than the texture ..make sense?

jackrose:
Texture aversion is a great description for what I went through. It is interesting to remember that some of us do have hypersensitivity to certain things, some people have a heightened sense of hearing and can pick a pitch problem in a singer that others will never notice, some have a heightened sense of smell and can be put off by the garlic someone had for dinner the night before when others have no idea what the issue is. Maybe your DS has a heightened sense of taste and his poor little brain just cannot compute all of the overwhelming sensation coming at him at meal time.

this is spot on and a good thing to remember when Im dealing with him.. Hes not doing it on purpose..
At 5yrs old he doesnt fully understand that he needs the foods to live and it doesnt always taste fantastic just nice will do sometimes..LOL.... My guy would happily go to bed without eating every time.. I see it that his needs are different like any child with special needs and I see this as his and cater to it and slowly test the waters at each meal.. I would also do the kids meals early so there is less pressure on him to perform.. and I may get lucky..LOL..

LG:
DH is worried about Evan's health. I have to admit i do think he looks VERY pale, and a friend told me to look under his eyes and if it's not real pink then he could have iron deficiency. And its not. Pip2jays, are you worried about your son's health? I feel awful either way - when he doesn't eat anything he's not getting the nutrients he needs, and if i get tough with him, now i feel terrible that he's gone to bed with no dinner

I always have on stand by apples and yoghurt.. If he doesnt eat I dont make him .. I do ask him to try and he does.. but I make sure I am making it easy for his senses. so he has rice/cous cous with every meal, then much later just before bed i will just bring out the yoghurt and/or an apple So he doesnt go to bed hungry.. I also use iron drops for him. i use Incremin.. it also increases his appetite so he is more willing to try as a bonus.. My joy is when he comes into the kitchen and says that smells good and I get a rush..LOL.. I was on top of the world when he gave me the thumbs up for the soy chicken..so it will get better and Jackrose you have made me feel vindicated too.. thank you....and given me hope. Oh and my guy is infuriatingly healthy so Im not too worried .. I have lived with this for 5 yrs..LOL..

[jackrose]

LG, I don't have kids at the age of your DS so I don't necessarily have advice about what to do based on my experience as a mother, however, after reading pip2jays' reply, I felt a weird sense of dejavu about what I experienced as a child.

I have worked out that he has a texture aversion.. I know this because his dad does too.. the plate of food has to match his perception of it.. so if food looks dry and then he tastes it and its mushy he gags and cant eat it and vice versa? if there are too many flavours of opposite on the plate he wont touch it.. because he cant tell what flavour he is anticipating.. So for example if its salty and sweet/sour in the same dish. He hates sauces of all and any, even tomato sauce!!! he will eat nuggets now but that took a year of trying.. He mainly eats white foods because they are texturally safe and mostly dry.. I cant even bribe him with "its sweet" no dice.. He is a sepretarian ( our term for it..LOL ) all the flavours must be separated. I had breakthrough this week that he actually had some noodles ( no flavour or topping but again they are white ) while the others had the whole spag bol.. so he prefers completely dry or completely smooth and nothing in between. I am of the firm belief he has a physical problem and its not a power struggle you know..

This sounds a bit like me when I was a child, I remember struggling at meal times and not wanting to eat anything, having a long list of foods I would never eat and being fearful of foods I didn't know. For me the worst was having to deal with mealtimes at other people's houses.... I was especially fearful of foods at other people's houses.

Still, even in familiar territory, my poor mum, whatever she would dish up, I would refuse. It didn't matter whether she put me to bed hungry, I still wouldn't eat. I just couldn't handle eating certain foods. In the end, I think my diet consisted of white rice with soy sauce, plain pasta with butter and white bread with butter. (I shudder to think!!) I must say, this did not ever relate to an eating disorder, it was just 'fussiness' as a child. Mind you, I did eat more than plain rice, bread and pasta, that was always my fallback.

It is only in hindsight now that I realised that I had a real problem with different textures and tastes on my plate. If food tasted differently to how I expected it I would freak out, if foods had textures which didn't "match" I freaked out and I just didn't eat. Pip2jays post described how I felt really well, I only wish that I had a parent who understood as I think it would have made a difference to my fear.

I eventually began to become adventurous with food when I hit my late teens. I just began to enjoy more food then. Now, I will eat anything, love to cook and love different textures and tastes in food - go figure!

Texture aversion is a great description for what I went through. It is interesting to remember that some of us do have hypersensitivity to certain things, some people have a heightened sense of hearing and can pick a pitch problem in a singer that others will never notice, some have a heightened sense of smell and can be put off by the garlic someone had for dinner the night before when others have no idea what the issue is. Maybe your DS has a heightened sense of taste and his poor little brain just cannot compute all of the overwhelming sensation coming at him at meal time.

I say, keep going as you are, take it easy as you go and try the simple, white foods approach. Definitely keep making food fun and not a big deal. Keep leading by example and offering choices.

Then, based on how I felt as a child, maybe try offering your DS food in lots of separate bowls, (similar to a Japanese bento box style) so that food is separated into different tastes and textures. Otherwise, what worked for me was flavorings like soy or butter. Once I was comfortable with these, I would happily douse all foods in soy or butter to mask their flavors otherwise. Using a 'safe' sauce or something similar may be a way for your DS to comfortably try different foods.

I hope something works soon for both you and your DS.

[jackrose]

Good point Hoobley,

My soy eating days were in my later years, it is definitely not a good idea for toddlers!