Having trouble accepting other peoples style of parenting...

[beckoes]

Wasnt sure where to post this...

I have a group of friends in the uk who i went to school with years ago, we are all at that stage in our lives where we are having children, some have two some are just having thier first. I keep in touch with these people mainly via facebook.

I feel like a horrible person because i cant help feeling horrified when i hear about things they do in regards to thier children. I hate that im judging these people but i just feel like i dont even want to go on facebook at the moment because i know there will be something there that will upset me.

Two of them have had thier babies in the last week or so, one was her second and one was having her first, they are both talking about how thier babies are crying in the night and refusing to sleep in thier own beds and they are talking about was to change that....controled crying etc. One friend actually said ''you bassically just have to ignore them and not feed thm over night'' i spent an hour in tears after reading this and feel like i just cant be a part of this little group of friends who i have cherrished for so many years.

Im sure this makes me the problem becasue i know they love thier children and are, at the end of the day, just trying to do the best by them, but i just want to cry every time i read a comment from them or talk to them on chat. I havent voiced any of my feeling to them, i just try to recant how i did it with DD, for example, to the comments i metioned above i just said that DD (2 years) had only just started sleeping through the night in the last few days but i didnt mind that.

Dont even know what i want to get out if this post, just to get it off my chest might help. TIA

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Where in the UK? Can I go and shout at them?

I know other people parent diffferently, but neglecting a baby is just cruel. And people seem to think it's OK just because the human being cannot vocalise in English to other people.

[Sterla]

I know what you mean. I have a few mums from my MG that were talking just on the weekend when we caught up about how they'd let their son cry from an early age, and that's why he slept through the night from 6 weeks old. According to her, if you run to your child when they cry, well that's just creating a rod for your own back, blah, blah, blah... I know she loves her child, we all do, but it's really hard to hear . I just wish parents would really educate themselves instead of blindly following the mainstream or popular way of doing things. In that way I am so, so thankful for BB!

[GlitterMum]

I know what you mean. I have a few mums from my MG that were talking just on the weekend when we caught up about how they'd let their son cry from an early age, and that's why he slept through the night from 6 weeks old. According to her, if you run to your child when they cry, well that's just creating a rod for your own back, blah, blah, blah... I know she loves her child, we all do, but it's really hard to hear . I just wish parents would really educate themselves instead of blindly following the mainstream or popular way of doing things. In that way I am so, so thankful for BB!

OH MY GOD!!!!!
I am horrified to hear that parents can do this.....
Who would let their baby cry because they were hungary????
We have been very blessed that bubs has been a good sleeper (all night) from about 6 weeks onwards but no way in the world did I starve him to do it.
Everytime my bubba cried I ran to him....... He always knows I will be there.
Not once has he ever just cried for my attention........... if anything he will laugh or giggle until I look at him lol

Hunni I think you need to block your friends comments so you dont have to read them
xx

[Bec259]

Can you maybe block their comments so you don't have to read them?
It's so hard when you don't agree with someone who is a friend.
I'm so sorry it's upsetting you - I quite often raise my eyebrows at things people do with their children.

[boomba]

Oh hun its distressing isnt it....I find sometimes the more information we hear and get the sadder it makes me. Maybe block thier comments like Bec said? i know i struggle with trying not to judge people who do the CC etc its hard but once you get past it it feels better.

Big hugs hun its always hard hearing that people leave their babes to cry. Have you thought of suggesting a pinky book in passing? xxx

[LaDolceVita]

Educate them, send them a link to BB, encourage them to get some books on the topic? Something? Without BB and other gentle parents telling me it was ok to hold your baby, to pick them up when they cry, to not have baby in a strict routine from day dot etc I probably would have been just like them.

ETA: I think though it would be important to do this in a gentle, non critical way as much as you possibly can.. Maybe a "Ooooh I thought that was the only way too, but I have heard fantastic success also with these gentler methods, maybe have a peek at them before you try CC?"

FWIW My DS slept through from 6 weeks too...Being demand fed and without CC. Some babies are just like that! There's no wrong or right about it.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

hun.... it is hard isn't it.
Is there any way when your on chat with them you can say have you tried.......
As an example take co-sleeping...

Have you tried co-sleeping at all, yes it can take some getting used to but it can be less tiring for the 2 of you (mum & bub) and it's a great bonding experience, i did .. xyz and thats what worked for me but each to their own.

Make it a casual conversation, they may not be getting that kind of support from other friends and family, especially the person who's 1st, you always get people asking if bubs is sleeping through yet etc, maybe she feels she NEEDS to say yes and is desperate to try anything.

I don't see anything wrong with you being upset about it but rather than loose friends over it maybe next time mention BB, gentle parenting, settling techniques.. any little hint that makes YOU feel better, that you have atleast offered a 'friendly' solution.

I'm probably not making any sense...

[Phteven]

It's not worth losing friends over. Like you said, they love their babies just as much as you, it's just that they have had some awful advice.
Maybe just post a few links to your FB profile with little notes to say that you though it was really interesting or that you like reading new perspectives. I dare say that like all Mums they second guess themselves and worry about their parenting so being anything but gentle towards them will probably make them feel a bit defensive.

[onthefly]

If this is FB, then I'd link some articles with titles along the lines of cuddles being important, it's ok to go to your child, etc, etc.
It's hard to address this directly unless someone actually asks because of the natural tendency to get defensive - and then your attempts will just be counterproductive.

[*Sparklez*]

i think that as long as everyone knows they have support from ppl even if its from the other side of the world and they confide in u they are asking for your opinion even facebook... My sil does this controlled crying through the night and her baby is 9 weeks old now.. she feeds her when she wants too not when the bub is hungry and i feel like slapping her and saying "feed the child u can affors to feed her FEED HER" when my mil asks her y she does it she days so she isnt spoilt and doesnt get used to me so i can do wat i have to do... that too me is selfish and its none of my business so i shut up.. but i think its wrong there are babies out there starving who cant get anything and sum who are worried about their night sleep instead... parenthood is hard and i feel that controlled crying is cheating.... u want the baby then u have to travel the ups and downs... i have had 2 kids who literally screamed for nearly 5 days after birth non stop but they were my babies n my problem... im sorry if my opinion is too out there but i believe that there is books out there offering parenting tips but yet we have too tread carefully... it just breaks my heart when these poor lil ones have to scream their lungs out for hours over just wanting to eat (which are meant to be fedevery3-4hrs as advised by medical staff) just so there parents sleep easy... its unfair...

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I thought of this post this morning when i saw the following on my cousins FB page:

My little man is so sleepy he is fighting it! So I have put him in his cot and I am trying to do control crying and it's killin me I just want to pick him up!! ;(!!!!!

He is only a little over a mth old, i just want to say no no no don't listen to your friends:

ohhh i know its so awful at the start but it really works and its worth it in the end. we did it with harry now we just put him in bed when he is getting tired and he goes to sleep.. most of the time lol stick at it

yep its def worth it, my little girl Zarlee sleeps through and shes only 6months if she wakes puts herself back to sleep n at bedtimes i only have to put her in bed n she puts herself to sleep its great. good luck it will be worth it in the end.

So i wrote:

Massive hug cous.. do what works for you guys, if you want to pick him up pick him up. CC doesn't work for every child, if you don't want to try that you can try rocking, going for a walk, pushing the pram in the house, do you have a baby c...arrier.. Z wont take a dummy and CC never worked so i gave up, she was so little and only wanted her mum so i used to put her in the carrier and walk around getting things done and she would fall asleep no problems, now she goes in her cot and it's no big fuss at all... GL.. sounds like your doing a wonderful job.

** i never eally tried CC but thought i should tell a white lie rather than sounding like i had a perfect child.. god knows i don't she's a velcro baby through and through, i let her sook herself to sleep for max 2min but never actually crying **

This is her 1st baby, it sounds like people are telling her to try CC.. it's HER choice but it breaks my heart she thinks it's the only option, he's only a mth old.
Is there anywhere i can find that suggests the recommended age for trying CC, am thinking i could post links... do you think i did the right thing?

Is this the kind of info you could pass on?

[Heaven]

I am always sharing gentle parenting articles on FB too, just getting the word out, lol, hoping it helps someone.

Sorry Misty I disagree, what's wrong with judging?? We have to judge whether things are right or wrong every day. How else would we form opinions? Gosh, people get so worked up all the time about not judging. It's human nature! Of course I think my way is the right and best way!! lol. It is for me! That's why I do it!! I think where judging crosses a line and becomes harmful is when it goes from just being 'I don't agree with their parenting' to 'I don't agree with them and they are horrible awful parents for doing it that way' and I haven't seen anyone in here do that

[beckoes]

ZF: sounds like you dealing with a very similar thing to me, so i totally know how you feel, im the same, i just want to say NO NO NO, but i think you did the right thing, telling her how you did it and that its ok to do things differently without telling her you dissagree with how she is doing it. i think the recomended age for trying CC is 6 months, but thats just a bit of a guess as i never really read about it. Good luck

I actually find it quite funny when i post things about the way i parent or alternantive ways to do things, we all comment quite alot on each others things but i always get nothing when i post that sort of thing. never mind.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I actually find it quite funny when i post things about the way i parent or alternantive ways to do things, we all comment quite alot on each others things but i always get nothing when i post that sort of thing. never mind.

What do you mean hun, on FB?

And re: Misty - i totally understand where your coming from but if we as a community were not to 'judge' people then there would be no laws, no rules for anyone.
It's like saying i saw someone beat their child but who am i to judge?
I know thats not what your saying but at some point we need to be able to tell people what we think about what they are doing with their lives, we judge things every day whether we mean to or not, a true friend will tell you if they don't agree with something your doing.
It doesn't mean they don't like you or think that you hate your children but it's a different perspective and the information they pass on might just be the difference in finding something that works for you and something that doesn't. IYKWIM

[beckoes]

sorry ZF: yeah i ment on FB, the little circle of friends im talking about all comment on each others posts quite alot but as soon as i post something about gentle parenting or something similar i get no responce. like they just totally avoid the subject!

[Beach Mama]

Planting the seed Bec planting the seed! That is all we can do, we can't force people to do things the same as us. I have done things gentler than some of my friends and harder than some others but at the end of the day I am doing what is best for me and my kids. I read and research, take on board things that resonate with me and try things with my kids and dismiss the rest that doesn't just like everyone does. I agree with a PP - it isn't worth losing friends over and of course we judge, we are humans after all, but I think there is a fine line that we all walk when doing it.

[Kazmar]

I sit here often and get so mad at others people's parenting, if its cleary wrong (as in by everybodies standards other then that 1 person!) The other stuff I get mad because the government and other companies withhold education that could change our children's lives

It's normal to get annoyed/upset TBH some ppl really should hold off having children till they learn a little more....

I can see why you got so upset I would also be crying Sad to think some ppl find that to be 'parenting', and are so affraid of loving their children worrying they get to 'dependant'

ps: having me n fb you must know I get hammered for the things I post and 'share' Education and support is the key!