Having trouble accepting other peoples style of parenting...

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I thought of this post this morning when i saw the following on my cousins FB page:

My little man is so sleepy he is fighting it! So I have put him in his cot and I am trying to do control crying and it's killin me I just want to pick him up!! ;(!!!!!

He is only a little over a mth old, i just want to say no no no don't listen to your friends:

ohhh i know its so awful at the start but it really works and its worth it in the end. we did it with harry now we just put him in bed when he is getting tired and he goes to sleep.. most of the time lol stick at it

yep its def worth it, my little girl Zarlee sleeps through and shes only 6months if she wakes puts herself back to sleep n at bedtimes i only have to put her in bed n she puts herself to sleep its great. good luck it will be worth it in the end.

So i wrote:

Massive hug cous.. do what works for you guys, if you want to pick him up pick him up. CC doesn't work for every child, if you don't want to try that you can try rocking, going for a walk, pushing the pram in the house, do you have a baby c...arrier.. Z wont take a dummy and CC never worked so i gave up, she was so little and only wanted her mum so i used to put her in the carrier and walk around getting things done and she would fall asleep no problems, now she goes in her cot and it's no big fuss at all... GL.. sounds like your doing a wonderful job.

** i never eally tried CC but thought i should tell a white lie rather than sounding like i had a perfect child.. god knows i don't she's a velcro baby through and through, i let her sook herself to sleep for max 2min but never actually crying **

This is her 1st baby, it sounds like people are telling her to try CC.. it's HER choice but it breaks my heart she thinks it's the only option, he's only a mth old.
Is there anywhere i can find that suggests the recommended age for trying CC, am thinking i could post links... do you think i did the right thing?

Is this the kind of info you could pass on?

[Heaven]

I am always sharing gentle parenting articles on FB too, just getting the word out, lol, hoping it helps someone.

Sorry Misty I disagree, what's wrong with judging?? We have to judge whether things are right or wrong every day. How else would we form opinions? Gosh, people get so worked up all the time about not judging. It's human nature! Of course I think my way is the right and best way!! lol. It is for me! That's why I do it!! I think where judging crosses a line and becomes harmful is when it goes from just being 'I don't agree with their parenting' to 'I don't agree with them and they are horrible awful parents for doing it that way' and I haven't seen anyone in here do that

[beckoes]

ZF: sounds like you dealing with a very similar thing to me, so i totally know how you feel, im the same, i just want to say NO NO NO, but i think you did the right thing, telling her how you did it and that its ok to do things differently without telling her you dissagree with how she is doing it. i think the recomended age for trying CC is 6 months, but thats just a bit of a guess as i never really read about it. Good luck

I actually find it quite funny when i post things about the way i parent or alternantive ways to do things, we all comment quite alot on each others things but i always get nothing when i post that sort of thing. never mind.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I actually find it quite funny when i post things about the way i parent or alternantive ways to do things, we all comment quite alot on each others things but i always get nothing when i post that sort of thing. never mind.

What do you mean hun, on FB?

And re: Misty - i totally understand where your coming from but if we as a community were not to 'judge' people then there would be no laws, no rules for anyone.
It's like saying i saw someone beat their child but who am i to judge?
I know thats not what your saying but at some point we need to be able to tell people what we think about what they are doing with their lives, we judge things every day whether we mean to or not, a true friend will tell you if they don't agree with something your doing.
It doesn't mean they don't like you or think that you hate your children but it's a different perspective and the information they pass on might just be the difference in finding something that works for you and something that doesn't. IYKWIM

[beckoes]

sorry ZF: yeah i ment on FB, the little circle of friends im talking about all comment on each others posts quite alot but as soon as i post something about gentle parenting or something similar i get no responce. like they just totally avoid the subject!

[~Kaz~]

ZF - In relation to that publication about CC I think you mean this one: If you google 'Australian Association of Infant Mental Health' then click on policies and submissions you will find a position paper on CC. It mentions/recommends if CC is to be used that developmentally it is best to wait until they are about 3 years old.

NB - I don't really want this to be interpreted as entering the debate about CC, just providing the resource that I think was being mentioned.

Beckoes - I wonder if the reason your mates don't comment is because they have similar reactions to your style of parenting as you do to theirs? i.e. feeling judgemental and wondering how you can use those strategies? Maybe you could bring up in a general sense how different your parenting styles are, and tell them you respect their choices and each to their own etc. Could a kind of clearing the air (in a non-specific way itms?) help you deal with it and move past it?

[beckoes]

Kaz: i think thats probably what it is, they probably all think im a crazy hippy who lets her monster kid run wild, BF when ever she wanted, still wakes up in the night and *gasp* slept in bed with her for two years. hehehehe

Maybe your right, maybe just acknowledging that there are glaring differences might make it a bit easier to breath. Im still stewing over the latest comment about weather my friend whos just had her first baby is trying to stick to BFing at certain times ie. 4 hourly (shes not even a week old). I just commented on how we co-slept so DD could feed when ever she wanted, and made a light hearted joke, just so my friend doesnt feel like sticking to a routine is the only way.

Think i just need to butt out casue i find im checking FB to see what the latest comment is so i can give another side for my friend to see. might take a week off FB! if thats even possible!

[Beach Mama]

Planting the seed Bec planting the seed! That is all we can do, we can't force people to do things the same as us. I have done things gentler than some of my friends and harder than some others but at the end of the day I am doing what is best for me and my kids. I read and research, take on board things that resonate with me and try things with my kids and dismiss the rest that doesn't just like everyone does. I agree with a PP - it isn't worth losing friends over and of course we judge, we are humans after all, but I think there is a fine line that we all walk when doing it.

[Kazmar]

I sit here often and get so mad at others people's parenting, if its cleary wrong (as in by everybodies standards other then that 1 person!) The other stuff I get mad because the government and other companies withhold education that could change our children's lives

It's normal to get annoyed/upset TBH some ppl really should hold off having children till they learn a little more....

I can see why you got so upset I would also be crying Sad to think some ppl find that to be 'parenting', and are so affraid of loving their children worrying they get to 'dependant'

ps: having me n fb you must know I get hammered for the things I post and 'share' Education and support is the key!

[TeniBear]

I didn't want to start a new thread, so I'll dump this here... Trying to make it fit

I know it's not my place at all, and it's probably such a small thing to her, but I just spotted one of my FB "friends" (3 days post-baby) asking how long it'll take for her milk to dry up, and whether there was anything she could do to help it go faster... I'm really fighting myself to not say anything. I think it's because the other night (baby's first) she posted something about how she needed to feed him and was getting agitated because she couldn't get up to get him. She said something about how b/fing makes her feel good - not those words, but that sentiment - and now she wants her milk to dry up? I'm just confused. Yes, her decision, and heaven forbid I spark up another debate, but gaaaahhhh! What changed? Was this her plan from the start? If so, why say how much she enjoys b/fing? Why am I so concerned about it when I never see her anyway?!?

[blessedatlast]

TBH some ppl really should hold off having children till they learn a little more....

Dedicated Mummy - Sorry, but I think that comment was so judgemental! Umm.. Should learn about what? Parenting? I don't think one can learn about parenting until we experience it.. I haven't been fortunate enough to have that 'learning' experience, (well I have but only for 12 days, and as a 'step mum') but I will tell you that I have met parents that 'held off': Planned their children, were 'old enough', financially secure and all the rest of it and in my eyes they didn't make the best parenting choices, yet I have also seen the opposite.. So again, and I am sorry if I sound rude but what exactly should I be 'learning' about before I become a parent?

As far as the Op, well I have no answers.. I think it is really difficult when you disagree with someones parenting styles.. It's kinda easy for me though, because I can remind myself 'I am not in their shoes' I often hear myself say "If my babies were here I would never do that" When Maybe I would! ... I think this whole parenting caper is trial and error and doing the best you can is all you can do.. When I was raising DSS I just did the best I could.. But we gave him back to his Mum some weekends and DP's parents had him alot so it wasn't like we didn't have support.. Although, having said that Us and DSS Mum had a diff parenting style but thats a whole other thread!! Lol

[beckoes]

TeniBear, dump away

Its so hard, i was in tears again last night after reading the advice a friend was giving this new mum friend of mine, saying she should start giving her 1 week old baby formular with baby rice in it to make her sleep through and then swaddle her and leave her to cry till she goes to sleep. i was upset on so many levels...but really, why am i so upset, its not my life or my child or my bussiness, but i still cried for an hour over it, maybe cause im pregnant!

Its hard to hear other people advice or choices when you have knowledge that would indicate that they are making a bad move that could affect thier child negativly but what can we do!?!? all you can do is be there as a friend and give her the tools to educate herself and hope she does and if she doesnt then you just have to deal with it.....thats the advice i have given myself anyway!

[Beach Mama]

Wow Teni that doesn't make much sense - I can see why you would be upset and wondering why she would do this, and if she was someone you were closer to you could possibly send a message and ask if everything was ok and offer some help. I guess you could if you wanted to - just a subtle -"oh I saw your status about xyz jut hoping everything is ok" then you might get her asking for help IYKWIM.

Bec -that is really tough hun, to me that is a big difference to CIO etc because there are clear guidelines and recommendations for this sort of stuff and can cause huge problems for bub, even the box says not before 4 mths. (Yes i know CIO can cause problems but the line is a bit different) I would find it really hard not to message her and say not to give the rice cereal because of "link to recommendations" and offer some other advice. If you do it gently and in the best interest of the baby that surely wouldn't go down too badly Hard one.

[Inertia]

Its so hard, i was in tears again last night after reading the advice a friend was giving this new mum friend of mine, saying she should start giving her 1 week old baby formular with baby rice in it to make her sleep through and then swaddle her and leave her to cry till she goes to sleep.

This entire thread has such a progression of facts that it is too hard not to point them out. I shall start here because plain and simple, this is the worst part. How come it is advice like this can be given freely and without question, but to post a different veiwpoint (gentle parenting) could cause people to feel judged.

In ZFs example, the update was practically screaming "This is not right for me! Its HURTING me to do it" but still its ok for people to post support for CC, but ZF had to word her post carefully when she was trying to support the mother!

As I said in another post, the bubble of bellybelly is the only place where we can feel safe to talk about home birth, long term bfing, cosleeping. In most of the rest of the interwebz, few people have the break pads between their brain and fingers to stop them posting harsh, critical and overly judgemental posts about our way of doing things.

If we cant post it for fear of being shouted down, then advocates like Kelly and the like still have a lot of work to do. Why cant our thoughts and opinions be accepted along side theirs? Why are we the only ones being judgemental.

I think this whole situation is doing my head in! LOL. Time for coffee methinks!

[*TripleJ*]

i couldnt handle when my SIL left her 12 month old to cry when she put her to bed but i'll admit i do it sometimes when my son is quite obviously tired and needs to sleep but its only ever been for about 10 mins and he is a lot bigger

my aunty one time told me to just let him cry when we went to her place coz he wouldnt sleep and i wanted to go home i was like ummm no he wont sleep here nad she was like yeah he will if u just leave him i was just in shock i wanted to punch her

[Kazmar]

Dedicated Mummy - Sorry, but I think that comment was so judgemental! Umm.. Should learn about what? Parenting? I don't think one can learn about parenting until we experience it.. I haven't been fortunate enough to have that 'learning' experience, (well I have but only for 12 days, and as a 'step mum') but I will tell you that I have met parents that 'held off': Planned their children, were 'old enough', financially secure and all the rest of it and in my eyes they didn't make the best parenting choices, yet I have also seen the opposite.. So again, and I am sorry if I sound rude but what exactly should I be 'learning' about before I become a parent?

As far as the Op, well I have no answers.. I think it is really difficult when you disagree with someones parenting styles.. It's kinda easy for me though, because I can remind myself 'I am not in their shoes' I often hear myself say "If my babies were here I would never do that" When Maybe I would! ... I think this whole parenting caper is trial and error and doing the best you can is all you can do.. When I was raising DSS I just did the best I could.. But we gave him back to his Mum some weekends and DP's parents had him alot so it wasn't like we didn't have support.. Although, having said that Us and DSS Mum had a diff parenting style but thats a whole other thread!! Lol

I meant more 'willing' to learn. For example. SIL has learnt nothing from her children. It's really quite sad. She doesn't embrace what it is to be a mother. The children are just going along for the 'ride'. Living her same life and making the kids 'fit in', but into a life that doesn't really embrace what having children is all about. I feel sorry for her as her kids will big to old and out of her life before she realises!
Not sure how thats judgemental? I didn't name a certain style of parenting etc?
Also I was 18 when I fell pg, so I def DONT think 'planned' or 'unplaned' makes any difference....

[thepixie]

Beck maybe the best you can do is what Marcellus has suggested - just say follow your heart or follow your instincts. Then bow out of the conversation and don't look back. Because you've given the best advice you can, and what they do with that is up to them.

[Indadhanu]

It's such a hard situation. Especially when we know that it really isn't recommended to CC any baby under 6 months. I like what you did, send some info and offer to chat, a really non-judging way of doing things. All you can do now is know that they have the information, and that they are making an informed decision, just like you have.

PS. I really like "The Science of Parenting" (I think it's called "What every parent needs to know") and "Wonder Weeks". I always recommend them as fantastic guides for new mums.