Ideas for helping 1yo be less clingy and shy?

[tiggy2]

Hi everyone
My 12 month old DD is extremely clingy and seems very shy. When we go to mothers group she spends the whole session on my lap or holding on to my leg watching the other kids but won't go off and join in the fun.
If I leave her for a minute to get a cup of coffee she cries.

At home sometimes she will play happily on her own but mostly she cries if I go out of sight. She has been like this for as long as I can remember.

She won't let anyone other than me, her dad and my parents hold her. But apart from that she is a really happy, smiley baby.

We co sleep at night and I carry her a lot, so it is hard to understand why she seems so insecure. We've never done controlled crying or anything like that with her.

I know that separation anxiety is rife at this age but she seems to have had it since birth!! Does anyone have any tips for me to try and help her be more secure?

Thanks

[Angel]

I would suggest following her lead and just give her time. Give her the opportunity to experience new situations but don't push or force her to do anything that makes her upset. Let her come to you for comfort and if she doesn't want people she doesn't know well to hold her then don't make her (I wouldn't like strangers holding me either!). I wouldn't say she's insecure as such, I think it just shows that she has a very secure attachment to you, which is a good thing.

Yes, separation anxiety is common at around age 1 so it may just be a stage she is going through however it could simply be her personality. My 2 year old DS showed signs of being a sensitive little thing from around 3 months or so. He prefers that people don't get up close to him and he will sit back and watch in a new situation. It took a very long time before he was comfortable in mothers and play groups. He still prefers to play by himself and gets very nervous if other kids suddenly run up to him. I let him do whatever he needed to feel comfortable and if that meant sitting on my lap the whole time then that was fine. From about 18 months onwards he started exploring a lot more, has needed my reassurance a little less, and is slowly becoming a little more confident. He still cries when the GP gets too close, looks down at the ground when a teacher talks to him, and needs help in new situations, but that's okay. I know he'll learn to cope with those things in his own time and IMO the best thing I can do is to be there for him and provide encouragement and reassurance.

HTH.

[soul]

Hey sweetie,

She sounds so much like what Hanna my 3rd eldest child was like, in every way! 12 months is still just a babe in my eyes and she is still got to come into herself yet, she is still wanting mamma because mamma makes her feel love, comforted, protected....and so on. Give her time, she will come round. Each child is so very differnet and she just happens to be the snuggly bubs! Let her go with the flow of it all, she will come out of her little shell when she is good and ready! You'll miss all this closeness when she finally takes of and spreads her wings, I know I did!!!! By 2 she will be a right little independant miss that does her own thing!

[Mrs Jak]

Hi Tiggy,

I don't think that there is anything you can do to help with shyness and clingyness at this age. I was (& still am!) an extremely shy child to the point I would give people dirty looks if they looked at me!

My DD isn't as shy as I was but very close and it wasn't until about 18-20 months that she started to become more social at playgroup. She too sat on my lap and watched on.

Not to say that your DD will remain shy. It could just be a stage.

Sounds like she is well loved and nurtured.

[Lulu]

Beth was like that at playgroup too, 6 months later she is off with the others but still comes back to check in with mum.

[DiannaQ]

i know how you feel so i can definitely sympathise - hope she turns the corner real soon along with my little man - it's especially dificult for me as I am not shy at all - quite the extrovert so this is really very odd for me - on the other hand I did marry his father who absolutely can't stand to be the centre of attention - it's his worst nightmare - so fingers crossed they will eventually grow out of it but if not, there really isn't much you can do but offer support and love regardless - I know how tough it is....but we'll make it

ETA - maybe it hurts us more than them?? you can only hope....

[Smoke Jaguar]

Hi Tiggy, she sounds like a sweetheart
Like the others have said, I'd just go with what she's doing and not force her into anything that makes her uncomfortable. She doesn't sound 'insecure' as just particularly 'velcro-y'. At this age you could really be gambling with her trust if you force the issue, so just keep reassuring her (using your actions and presence, as well as words) that she's safe with you. I wouldn't even emphasis that she's safe with the other people, cos it sounds like she'd think "that's fine, but it doesn't matter cos I won't be hanging out with those other people anyway"! Instill in her that she's safe with you and she will grow up knowing that no matter what happens when she's away from you, she can come back to you as a point of safe reference.
I have a particularly outgoing child who would run down the street without a second glance (and actually has done this...a few times...), so sometimes you don't get an in-between!
She is secure with you, and that's what is important, as Angel said (attachment styles of secure, ambivalent, insecure, detached have more to do with the relationship with the parent than with relationship to strangers or other people, from my understanding of developmental psychology! Geez, that unit was only last semester, I hope I'm recalling it correctly...).

[BellyBelly]

Velcro Baby