I'm not as good at this as I would like to be....

[Cassius2]

Yeah i have been lucky to witness from friends with tween girls how gentle parenting really comes into its own when your child has that bit more independence that comes with growing up: they way they are able to discuss stuff and do conflict resolution and attempt (not always successfully of course!) to solve contentious moments in play...and across all ages: in that they have been raised to deal with all ages as all relatively equal to them, so learn the skills to communicate quite effectively IMO. I see my DD1 being able to relate and understand what a 2 year old or a 10 year old might need to help them understand parameters of play for example, because she has been encouraged from the get go to be inclusive...gosh is this making sense??!

that said i would love to have a bigger treasure trove of ideas to help me through the challenging times. when i am tired and grumpy or the kids are bored and going feral. what do you lot do when you have reached or are reaching a point of breakdown??

[Rouge]

Randomness. It's hard when meltdowns are imminent because we have to go somewhere or do something. Those are the times I would grin and bear it if I could recognise I was starting to loose it.

Otherwise random things. Those are the moments I shut down from the outside world and do something fun and relaxing with the kids. And every child is different so it's dependent on that. For example cooking in our house seems to bring out the zen in all of us. So we'd bake. Other times we do something crafty. I have even been known to find random things on YouTube just to get some calm. Recently we sat down and tried to find all the themes to their favourite shows. I also showed them mine. It gave us a few hours on a day where all our tempers were short. It's weird to think you can bond over YouTube When they were little I'd let them have a relaxing bath. Complete with music, essential oils etc. The fancy bath as they called it.

I always had the rule since DS was born that if things weren't going great that day anything could be put off. I fought through PND with DD and trying to be perfect. Keeping play dates after 2 hours sleep. Or not cancelling when I knew she needed down time. So now I have no quarms in saying no. For their sanity and mine. I'll try and think of more things but often it would be something as silly as playing what's the time Mr Wolf. Or singing nursery rhymes but changing the words to something silly. Laughter and randomness has always got us through, when I can recognise we aren't coping.

[Mrs P]

Having a bad day today. Have lost it at DD three times for not doing what I ask (eg please get off the bed and go to the toilet before your nap - she had received a warning that it would be nap time soon so it was not sprung on her). I literally ask her four or five times. I ask her to look at me while I'm talking to her, she thinks its funny to hide her face away. I even left the room for two minutes then came back and she still wouldn't do it. So I yelled and forced her into the toilet I feel like a terrible Mum.
How can I get her to do these simple tasks when I ask her too? I hate the Mum I am turning into.

[Rouge]

This was my son. And even now I have to ask him ten times and he'll only hear half of what I've said. When he was little we used to play listening games and I would praise him for doing things that I'd asked. For example if he got his shoes when I asked I'd get overly excited and hi five him. People say over praising is bad. But it's never been a problem here. They aren't emotionally damaged because I used praise as a parenting tool. And I don't have to praise him for putting his shoes on anymore so maybe give that a go. I find if you praise them for positive behaviour, even the small stuff, not only do they love the positive attention but they also learn appreciation and in turn don't take others for granted as they learn.

[Mrs P]

Thanks Rouge will try to praise the good stuff more. I think it's not helping that I'm getting little sleep with DS so I am much less tolerant than usual

[Rouge]

Absolutely. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason and remember you are doing a great job. I'm sorry you had a bad day. But I promise you, you're doing great

[wysiwyg]

I'll try and think of more things but often it would be something as silly as playing what's the time Mr Wolf. Or singing nursery rhymes but changing the words to something silly. Laughter and randomness has always got us through, when I can recognise we aren't coping.

The silliness thing very rarely fails here, I noticed my mum doing it so just copied "Oooh look a flying elephant" or "Pooo stinky" works wonders for snapping them out of it when about to lose it - when they are past reason.

[milly5]

hi ladies,
thanks for all the great responses.
I'm feeling much better now - no sleep and a what turned out to be a houseful of sickness and mummy with PMT as well was not a good combo. And also, realising that I don't have a great support network IRL, so thanks again ladies, I really appreciated it.
DD1 still disrupting DD2 sleep, but I have learned to distract her with her favorite DVD whatever works!

[milly5]

hi ladies,
thanks for all the great responses.
I'm feeling much better now - no sleep and a what turned out to be a houseful of sickness and mummy with PMT as well was not a good combo. And also, realising that I don't have a great support network IRL, so thanks again ladies, I really appreciated it.
DD1 still disrupting DD2 sleep, but I have learned to distract her with her favorite DVD whatever works!

[Arcadia]

Bumping this thread today. 4.5 year old having multiple meltdowns a day, entitlement issues and emotional volatility. I'm feeling like a failure but so resentful of this feeling.

When did parenting get so isolating? I honestly don't know who to call or ask when I feel like this.

It's like being a martyr to a cause sometimes and walking forward with blind faith it's the best way.

Is it bad to expect a 4.5 year old to temper their emotions? I validate crying and frustration. Screaming and kicking for twenty minutes has me using empathy blockers and biting down frustration. 'you sound like youve just witnessed a carcrash' choice words hey? But seriously. All because I wouldn't let her ride her bike to the shops because a) we only have one bike so ds screams if she rides it b) preg mummy can't keep up c) we live inner city and there are multiple trucks and driveways which are hazardous d) because that was the activity 'going for a walk'

After another three meltdowns today I turned on the tv and went to my room to cry my eyes out.

For once I didn't loose it. Can't say I feel any better. In fact sometimes roaring like a lion in her face actually stops the screaming.

Why is it so hard somedays?

[Calluna]

Hugs Arcadia. I'm right there with you hun.

[Arcadia]

Thanks Calluna. I keep reminding myself that it's dd who is struggling with something and it's nothing to do with me. I think as parents though we want to 'help' and fix things and tbh after twenty minutes of screaming we all want it to stop!

[Jennifer13]

Hugs Arcadia.

Sometimes it's not you, it's them. My DD1 has a very mellow personality. I can count on one hand the number of meltdowns she's had.

DD2 on the other hand... Lord, give me strength. That child is not even two and can find drama in the smallest of things already. I am in for quite a ride! So please do remind yourself that you can't change your child's personality and maybe she just feels things a lot more acutely. Staying calm around her might be the only thing you can do until she either learns to manage her emotions or at least channel them more effectively. I think you did well in going away somewhere to cry while she watches TV completely unaware!

I try to tell myself that passion is going to be such a great thing for her as an adult.

Then I look at DP who was not handled with thoughtfulness and whose 'passion' is often now expressed as anger, frustration and anxiety. But the kinds of responses you're talking about are not what created problems there (more like bullying, emotional unpredictability and overreaction, juxtaposed with periods of complete inattention, no engagement, etc, etc).

[Cassius2]

the parenting in isolation is everything I reckon. it just plain sucks. i miss my friend that i had where we would just hang out and hang out washing together and drink copious amounts of tea. we did nothing special, or organised, we would just wander to eachothers house pretty much every day and just get about our days with company and a truck load of kids.

now the only people i speak to most days are the parents at pick up: 'hi, how you going?'. 'good, and you'. i want to poke my eyes out with mundane nature of it all.

[beansbeans!]

Oh yes the parenting isolation totally sucks, and to be honest it amplifies all the negative parts of the day. Handling tantrums etc is so much harder when there's no one to turn to or help out.
And the school drop off and pick up, is horrid, the conversations or lack there of is so hard, there's only so many ways you can do the I'm good how are you routine before it sounds fake and contrived.

[Arimeh]

And the school drop off and pick up, is horrid, the conversations or lack there of is so hard, there's only so many ways you can do the I'm good how are you routine before it sounds fake and contrived.

You are way more sociable than me, I don't talk to any parent - at the school or kindy! While waiting for the bell to ring I lean up against the toilet wall and check out facebook - I'm not really up to making friends, I'm way too socially awkward. Give me facebook or BB any day!

But I do miss my friends in tassie, because I saw them basically every day and they knew my kids and knew when I needed a time out - even for a few minutes to go to the toilet by myself. Its so much easier handling challenging behaviour when you have a friend there with you.

I thought 4 was hard - 5 is turning out to be my worst nightmare!!

[Jennifer13]

I drop off and pick up from the car. Much, much easier and quicker.

[Arcadia]

Thanks for the replies!

Cassius: yes I miss having a friend to pop over and see. My go to friend when dd was a baby moved when she had her second and I still pine for those cups of tea and play dates.

Jenn, yep my dd has a very strong sense of self and strong emotions. She will be a fabulously strong woman one day and I'm proud of that. Teaching, coaxing and negotiating this little woman takes so much strength. I want her to be everything she can be, but i also have a job to socialize her properly with good sense and good manners while maintaining that spirit. It's hard!
We had to leave the dentist today because she refused to let the proceed. I understand. I hate the dentist. But walking out without having it sorted after dragging two kids into the city first thing in the morn...I really had to grit my teeth and find that empathy. Once the love flows though, it is easy.

Beans, I can't hear about school stuff yet, I'm hoping it will improve things...arrrggghh,

Arimeh: five is your nightmare? Is your eldest dd five?