I'm sick of being a punching bag

[Kazbah]

Seriously.

The little brat punches, kicks, hits, slaps, pulls, bites, throws things at me or screams in my face.

How do I deal with this, cause I'm really losing my patience, and I'm sporting a bruise or 2 on my face at the mo which is a bit embarrassing @ work.

He does it when he's overtired, frustrated or not getting his own way.

Any suggestions welcome.

[Pandora]

I cant offer any advice, but I'd love to get some as I can fully relate.
DS1 is exactly the same and its driving me insane.
I have scabs on my arm from where I've been scratched, and yesterday he threw a pair of scissors at me.
I dont know how to handle it and more than once I have smacked him when it really goes against the way I want to raise my kids

[Chocaholic]

How old is your DS? Does he have a specific routine? Does he still sleep during the day?

Can't really offer much advice at the moment but good luck getting it sorted out

[Kazbah]

He's 2 1/2, his daytime routine changes somewhat and he's trying to drop his afternoon nap.

We try to put him to bed at 8pm each night but it doesn't always work that way.

[Kazbah]

He's 2 1/2, his daytime routine changes somewhat and he's trying to drop his afternoon nap.

We try to put him to bed at 8pm each night but it doesn't always work that way.

[Chocaholic]

He's 2 1/2, his daytime routine changes somewhat and he's trying to drop his afternoon nap.

We try to put him to bed at 8pm each night but it doesn't always work that way.

How different is his day routine? Is he a child that prefers consistency and acts out when he is not sure what is happening? My DS1 was like this and needed to be told what was going to happen so he knew what was coming up in his day. This lasted a couple of months then he was able to go with the flow more easily. He could be unsure what his day will hold so gets frustrated because he is uncomfortable or nervous.

Suse definitely gave some very good advice which I heartily endorse.

[suse]

Aw hon - it's not easy when kids get physical, especially as they get bigger it's much harder to deal with.

I haven't experienced this to anywhere near the extent that you have - my DS is younger than yours for a start, and isn't consciously violent or aggressive, but when he tantrums and it's not somewhere where I can safely put him down he thrashes about. Which is painful mostly on a muscular level as I attempt to keep hold of a wildly thrashing 14kg child, but also because said wildly thrashing limbs can connect.

Because my DS isn't being deliberately aggressive my suggestions may not be suitable for your situation, but my primary aim is not to stop the tantrums by my own actions, but to make things conducive for him to stop it on his own. This doesn't mean giving in to what he wants, but as an example, holding him exacerbates the tantrum, as it feels restrictive to him rather than calming, so I find a safe place as quickly as possible and put him down and tell him that I'm here and he can come to me when he's ready.

I find the trick is (as difficult it can be), is not to engage with his behaviour. Because a child will always win in a power struggle - a child has no limitations to what they can do, whereas an adult has to moderate their behaviour. So I speak very calmly and quietly, and if he escalates in his emotional state, I de-escalate in mine. I quietly tell him that I understand that he's upset but it's not OK to hit people, and I avoid giving him the opportunity to be violent until he has calmed down. So this might mean putting him down but staying near him and talking gently to him, or leaving the room and telling him he can come to me when he is calm. I say this very gently and without inflection or anger - so that it comes across as a neutral statement of fact.

Ultimately I try to recognise that he is responsible for his own behaviour, yet my reaction to it contributes to the extent of his tantrum. I cannot 'make' him calm down, but I can help him to control his own response by remaining calm myself. Giving a neutral response also gives him less 'power', because he doesn't get a reaction. I found that as soon as I really calmed my response to his tantrums, they minimised.

Is that the kind of thing that might help, or have I just waffled? Maybe you've already tried things like this? In any case, are in order, because it's not easy.

[Kazbah]

Ok thanks, that makes sense. I was having success for a while getting him to breathe in and out with me, but now DH is the primary carer things are different. DH DOES engage with him and its very loud and stressful - maybe this has something to do with it?

Maybe I should tape DH arguing with Pip and he can actually listen to himself ... I dunno

[maz]

Oh I hear you honey...Ive had a fat lip, nice bruise on my eye and a nose bleed to mention a few from M hitting and head butting me.
He still does my head in and hits the other kids....I think its his warped way of getting attention (not that he need's to do that) can he laughs when he does it.
I have tried holding his hands when he does it...to no avail
Ive tried yelling NOOOOOOO and all it does is make him drop his lip for 1/2 a min and he does it again.
Done the remove naughty child from situation .....blah...no way
even slapped his hand when he did it once...nutta!!!!

So now we just get up and walk away with out saying a word. It hasnt been easy..its taken a little time but its working. The other thing that we have found working is Jed telling him no hurting no hitting quiet forcefully while I or the kids move away from him. You both really need to wrok together to make it work...and silence is a killer of any fight or exgressive behaviour in anyone

babe..its bloody hard being a mum sometimes

[kelebek]

Maybe I should tape DH arguing with Pip and he can actually listen to himself ... I dunno

I think this is a great idea...my dp seems to think that yelling is going to stop an 18 mnth old I really think they don't realise the implications of thier actions sometimes (the adults that is )

hope you find something that works.... DS is starting to become agressive... maybe it's the age

[Nelle]

We've got a ruffian too.

I find that it's definitely as he gets tired (or hungry) because that's when he's more easily frustrated. Would you consider an earlier bedtime? We try to have ours in bed by 7-7:30 but today #2 was exhausted and #1 was doing the aggressive thing, so we brought the schedule forwards and I think got them in bed by about 6:30-6:45.

For hitting, he gets sat on the chair, I explain that he's on the chair because he's done whatever and he needs to stay there until I tell him he can leave (usually about 2 mins, unless he needs more time to calm). Sometimes I find he needs something he can see, so I might set my mobile phone timer and he watches the phone until it goes off.
We usually do a hug after he's been on the chair, and a reminder not to do whatever.

If he's really unreasonable, sometimes we'll move him to his room for some timeout. We've got a safety gate on there (sometimes he runs in there and slams it behind him like a teenager, so cute), and I'll pop him in there with a drink and toys and let him rage until he calms. I usually find him lying on the floor playing with toys and resting , or sometimes asleep - like I said, the aggression and unreasonableness is almost always because he's tired.
So like Suse and others have said, I try to find a way to de-escalate the situation, he can't regulate his emotions too well so I try to help him to calm down, and I don't give him and audience for his tantrums (and therefore he doesn't think there's any chance of him getting his way when I've already said no).

Not sure if any of that helps, but that's where we're at this week. So far.