Lack of support & feeling frustrated...

[Krisvee]

Hi,

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post but I needed to vent a little.

Our little boy has never been a great sleeper however he has settled down so much in the last few weeks. He's having good sleeps through the day and a big night sleep. (of course he's waking up for feeds & dummy sometimes though...but not enough to worry me)

We have always had to rock him to sleep in the cot and while in the early days I would get frustrated due to my own tiredness, now I am more than happy to get him to sleep calmy. He also now goes to sleep in his bouncer through the day though without too much assistance.

At one stage we tried to let him cry at the advice of others and once only was enough as he worked himself up so much that it broke my heart and I can't handle seeing him so upset when it can be so easily fixed.

I think he just likes the comfort of us being around him as he also gets very upset if he's left alone in a room for longer than 30sec and likes to be involved in everything we do - which is fine.

What I'm really annoyed about is the amount of people questioning our (me & dh) parenting choices.
Today I was "told" by a family day care woman that I was being a bad parent for not teaching my baby to sleep for himself and I wasn't helping him at all. She told me that it may take a few hard days of letting him scream but that he would learn eventually. Learn what? That his mum an dad aren't there for him when he needs us??

Like Linda said in a previous post - I never thought I'd feel this way and thought that I would want to follow strict routines etc but it's just not in me. I think a lot of these routines are selfish and just purely cater to parents and not what a bubba really wants.

I'm so sorry for the big vent....I'm just feeling very frustrated that people can make me feel so awful about my parenting choices. No one should have the right to do that....

[Melbo]

Krisvee ...

I say whatever works for you, that's what you do. I don't see how it can be a bad thing to pick up a crying child.

When people say things to you, remember that it isn't about you, it's about them. They assume that because the routine thing suited them that it suits everyone. I think if you are following your instincts you can't go wrong.

Love,

Mel

[Janet]

I'm sorry you're facing that. Most of us who parent with evidence based philosophies not convenience based philosophies cop this at some point. I've never understood what the big deal is about babies waking up. :-k Babies are biologically designed to wake up, get fed, and go back to sleep. As they grow their bodies and brains mature to the point where they *can* put themselves to sleep. I expect my son to be a baby until he's not any more He sleeps through now because he's over 2 and he obviously needed to reach some point of maturity which allowed him to do that. He has coslept from birth and so has always been parented at night. My job doesn't stop just coz it's night time! Stick with it! You're doing great things for your child's longterm development They're only small for SUCH a short time in the scheme of things, it's worth it!

[Trillian]

Kristie, go with your heart on this one. No one has the right to 'tell' you how to parent your child and definately not the right to tell you that you're a bad parent.

When Louis is happy and smiling and being a great little baby, tell yourself that you are doing a great job of being his Mum and that he loves you and be confident in your ability to parent him the best way you know how. If that means you rock him to sleep and don't like leaving him alone, well so be it.

You are doing a great job Kristie, and don't you forget that. :flower:

[Astrid]

Oh Kristie, it is awful when crap like that happens. Does your DH support you with your parenting choices? If so then that helps. They sometimes back off when their are 2 of you to deal with, not just the tired mummy.

Using the term "bad parent" is disgusting, that women should not be allowed to look after other peoples children. Imagine all those kids in her care left to cry.

Be strong, it does get easier to ignore them, but I do know from experience that some days it is harder to handle criticism than others.

[Krisvee]

Thanks so much for your responses!!!

I know not everyone has these stupid opinions but its hard as basically all of my family does also. My mum refused to feed us through the night from 6 weeks old!!! My sister was only born 5lb 2 so I can't quite understand that but anyway... that's what they were taught to do I suppose. No wonder her milk dried up!!! I have already bf longer than any female in my or my dh family!
Normally people feel a pressure to bf but I have it the other way with my sister and mum telling me to put him on formula!

Astrid - Yep, my husband and I are on the same wavelength when it comes to parenting mostly. Your right - it definitley helps!

[Astrid]

that's what they were taught to do I suppose. No wonder her milk dried up!!!

Funny that isn't it. They giving breastfeeding advice, then follow it with the statement. "I couldn't feed, my milk dried up" And they wonder why we don't end up listening to them for any parenting advice!

My MIL really hammered me for breastfeeding and for not "letting her cry". "Its good for them to cry", what a load of crap! When DD was a few weeks old she used to say "There are no tears, its not a real cry", I had to point out to her, that newborns did not have tears.

[Krisvee]

I just don't understand how people can just dish out advice when you don't ask for any. I would never question other mums parenting styles whether I agree with them or not. It is each to their own.

[Melbo]

Spot on Kris.

[Astrid]

I had a checkout operator advise me to control cry and I wasn't even asking for advice!

[BellyBelly]

Well you can point out now that there was a study / poll on this topic in Mother & Baby Magazine where 57% of parents tried CC, and only 8% found it sucessful!

It's a disgrace really but I think some people in certain generations who parented in the super pro-CC generation just aren't up to date with it. My mum and I haven't really seen each other since Xmas because we're always arguing over the way I choose to parent and I am over it - I couldn't be bothered making an effort anymore if she is just going to have a go at me for the way I want to raise my kids.

Like Janet, I co-slept with Marisa, by two she was fine on her own. So I think alot has to be said for letting them do it when they are ready. It's a hell of alot easier, but can be exhausting at times too. Perhaps those having a go at us are just jealous or trying to justify what they had to do to get their own baby to sleep. This is not having a go at anyone inparticular, just those who can't accept others choices to be gentle...

[Melbo]

I have a feeling that there are a lot of people who are into scheduling because of the fact that they choose or have to return to work very soon after giving birth. So much pressure to have these little tykes fit in can't be good for mother or baby. Like the stats seem to indicate, there are probably many of them who go ahead with the controlled crying thing and hate every minute of it, only to find out that it doesn't work anyway.

[Eugenia]

It's funny but until I fell pregnant it never occurred to me that the way I always thought parenting should be was not the "fashionable" way.

I never thought I'd let my baby sleep on his/her own room or let them cry themselves to sleep. But even though the baby is still a few weeks away I'm already getting (unsolicited) advice from people telling me how I should do things. My MIL is trying to talk me out of co-sleeping and a friend has given me a book that claims newborns have sleeping problems and the only way for them to get over these problems is to let them cry it out until they fall asleep. I've avoided any confrontations so far by just smiling and walking away but I don't know that I'll always have that much patience.

Anyway, I just wanted to share and give you my support.

Eugenia