Okay.. so I got to the edge of the cliff and wanted to jump (all in my head) when my 7 month old started waking every hour. on top of that ... she woke up to EVERY SINGLE MOVEMENT AND SOUND ... she also needed the boob to go back to sleep even though she was just on it 20 minutes ago.

we co sleep. always did since she was born. but it got bad. I copped the shingles (with the ring starting right underneath my nipple) which meant i could only feed her from one side. I was in pain from the shingles and her sleep was getting worse. there were nights she slept right on top of me and i had to watch how i was breathing in case she woke up from a change of pace. You might think i'm exagggerating ... I'm not.

needless to say we both didn't sleep very well and yesterday i hit the roof. Exhausted and emotional... i lay her in her cot while I read aloud from my Quran because i needed a boost and she needed to be safe. So she cried and cried while i sat next to her cot till I finished a chapter. Took her out, i fed her and put her back in while I prayed my afternoon prayer 2 metres away from her. she still cried.

I picked her up .... wrapped her and started singin to her and just swaying her in my arms till she fell asleep. I put her back down in her cot gently and walked out the door. She woke up at the sound of my footstpes and started screaming but i kept walking, exiting the room and started crying. For days now her cries have made me cry.

I sat in the living room looking at the clock... telling myself i should go and get her soon. Just not now, I needed to gather myself for another round of wrestling my baby to sleep.
So i sat there while we both cried in different rooms.

suddenly she stopped.

she woke up 2.5 hours later.

That night... she woke up twice as opposed to 5 times in 2 hours.

We both had a good sleep. it's been months since we had that.

Now i feel cruel that I did that. I'm happy yet worried I may have damaged my baby's trust in me. I have never let her cry till that day. I have rocked her for her every sleep ever since she was born. I can't help but feel insecure.

i always could call myself a gentle parent. am I still???