"To Tame or to Trust?" Gentle parenting article about toddlers

[KatieRabbit]

Thanks for the article Neenee- a great read.
Limeslice, I can't agree with all that you have said and although people's circumstances vary, there are still some commonly held beliefs about children and socialisation.
[QUOTECharlotte needs to learn how to interact with other CHLDREN][/QUOTE] Yes she does eventually but she doesn't just now at her age. Your immediate family is fine- even if it is just you or your partner.

Yet I still recognise the need for her to be with other children and not just me all the time

What is wrong with being with 'just' you all of the time? This is actually all that she wants and needs at her age.

I feel it is important that she learn how to share and play with another child successfully very early

She will learn to share and play at the time that is right for her. this usually happens around the age of 3 or 4. Being made to do so any earlier is neither wise nor helpful to her development.
She really doesn't need interactions at this age- she really needs her mum to be around her. She will learn from you and how you interact in the supermarket, on the phone, at the bank etc more than from any other child.
Please don't think I am picking on you. It just really intrigues me why people put children into care for 'socialisation' reasons when childcare doesn't offer this to a child at this age. It is a real misunderstanding of the psychological needs of the child.

[Visitor8]

I have found family day care great for a few reasons. They learn to thrive in an environment that isn't home where I am They are with me almost 24/7 so it's great that they can do things without me and learn to be independent that way. Also I am liking the fact that they are learning that while one thing is ok with me it isn't with Helen their carer, and that she is the boss of her own home and they must respect that. There are many benifits to day care (having said that I am a new user as of this month and only my 2 oldest children)
Katie I have to disagree with your comment regarding sharing. At a young age kids CAN learn to share and it can be benificial My boys were 14 months apart and by the time Chase was moving at 5 months Jaidan was sharing his toys and they grew up sharing with eachother and other kids. At 5 and almost 4 they are happy to share and since the age of 2 and 3 they used to tell other kids "sharing is caring" which was very cute!

Great article

[Ezz]

Yes they can "share" etc (I have been teaching my friend's 2 yo who I babysit). The day that I work, I leave DS with my friend (the one whose daughter I mind - we do a swap). I agree that kids love to be around other kids - my DS loves the day that Simone comes over, or that he goes over to her place.

But, I don't agree that sending them to childcare is the way to do this. What about playgroup or Mums' group? We go to both - so DS can interact with other kids, but not be left without me. I don't want my DS to be looked after by strangers at his age. For better or for worse, his parenting will be a reflection of me - not CC.

[fionas]

I THINK I like/agree with the article but I found it a bit vague.

I use "no" sparingly with DD for a lot of reasons:

a) I think it's good that she experiments. Yes, I let her switch the bedroom light on and off before bed even though it means that she stands on a chest of drawers to do it and pushes me away so I can't stand too close to her.

b) She is too young to understand the reason why I'm saying "no" half the time so I tend to use distraction. Though, ironically (as it's one of the examples that the author uses) I DO say no when she spills water on the floor because we have a concrete floor and it's dangerous because she goes flying and babies' heads and concrete floors are a bad combo. I do try to teach her why and say, "no spilling, spilling slippy" with a few flailing arm actions to demonstrate and get her to help me clean up. But after that happened five times in as many minutes, I may just restrict her to only drinking from a cup in her high chair. No, I'm not going to run a bath every time she has a spill and we don't have a backyard hose.

As for the CC debate, I too think the socialisation thing is a furphy at this age. I take DD to Mothers Group and a playcentre. DD is very friendly to the adults, will wave her little hand off, go up to them, start pointing to her nose, their nose, everyone's noses but is not very interested in the other toddlers. We are lucky enough to qualify for a in-home carer who also works at a childcare centre and when I raised the issue of socialisation with her and what age should we start introducing DD to childcare for socialisation, even she said it was pointless at this age and to wait until DD is two or three. I'm not against CC - I use it because I have to as well but my reasons are financial/sanity not for DD's socialisation.

[Visitor8]

Yes they can "share" etc (I have been teaching my friend's 2 yo who I babysit). The day that I work, I leave DS with my friend (the one whose daughter I mind - we do a swap). I agree that kids love to be around other kids - my DS loves the day that Simone comes over, or that he goes over to her place.

But, I don't agree that sending them to childcare is the way to do this. What about playgroup or Mums' group? We go to both - so DS can interact with other kids, but not be left without me. I don't want my DS to be looked after by strangers at his age. For better or for worse, his parenting will be a reflection of me - not CC.

I did all these things too It wasn't until the last week that I have sent them to any sort of child care.
I wouldn't call FDC a stranger though. They are no more a stranger then your friend once was One carer which they get to know and build a relationship with. We even visited a couple of times to get the boys used to her and get to know her a bit better. I wouldn't call her a stranger anymore.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Yeah, I'd be very "bad mummy" according to this article. I say no, I lift DS around whever he wants even down from high places, I use childcare (and, FWIW, DS had a week with me and we were out for three hours a day meeting new people and animals and DS was bored senseless with this - even with new people every day! - so much so that he ASKED to go to the creche at Church today for the first time in his life), treat DS as a CHILD and not a fully aware adult. And I don't think that's wrong.

I didn't put DS in childcare for socialisation, I did it so I could work. But it hasn't hurt because I picked a "gentle" nursery for him: loads of cuddles and kisses, playing with what he wants when he wants and, best of all for DS, loads of other children with whom to play. I took him to playgroups and friends' houses but that didn't ever last all day like Nursery can. A 2-hour playgroup in the morning and a 2-hour park/friend visit in the afternoon does not cut it with DS.

I will point out that MOST under-2s (and now 2yos) don't want this. My DS is just incredibly social and loves people. Even more than trains. But you can't say "all babies and toddlers just want mum" because although my baby only wanted me, my toddler doesn't. And I think it's great he got enough from me as a baby and young toddler to feel so secure that he now wants to socialise with others (children and adults) and is happy to do so away from me. His carers, even at Nursery, aren't strangers and I do know enough about them to be happy leaving DS with them.

Childcare is SO personal and I know I'm doing the best for DS so this isn't a justification. And I would like to see debate on the greater article rather than just me taking umbridge about the "evil CC" comment when it just ain't so.

The article is a lot about inspiring confidence in our children. I have done that without doing the same as this woman - although I do a lot similar. I let DS set the pace and rule our activities so that I can help him develop - whilst placing limitations (which I can explain when he asks "why", which has just started) upon what we do. DS is very "high maintainence" according to my friends (and his clothes budget LOL) but he's also VERY "well behaved" (ie knows how to behave in adult situations, such as a meal out). Yes, he explores the restaurant and spent a good half-hour enjoying a glass door at the entrance to the restaurant last night, but he also behaved as an adult should when the food arrived. He knows what my expectations of him are - that he sits still and eats - and also knows my tolerances for a 2-year-old - that he doesn't have to sit still before the food arrives and when he gets tired he can tell us and we leave asap. My expectations will never change and DS finds that more comforting than being forced to behave as an adult, because he isn't. But to the outside world, the snapshot of DS is that he is "compliant" because he wants all the compliments when we're out!