Toddler tantrums, how to manage him scratching, hitting me before I lose my mind
My 2.5 year old DS has become very difficult to manage over the last 3-4 weeks. We are living at my MIL's because our house is being painted at the moment as he has gone awol. I have got to the point where I don't know what to do, we are going home at the end of this week thankfully but I am worried that the same behaviour will reappear when we get home. If I tell him he can't have something, take something from him that he shouldn't have or try to get him to do something that he doesn't want to do, it results in one of the following:
* spitting saliva into the air sometimes landing in my face
* talking back to me
* refusing to stay in time out when put there
* hitting, pinching or scatching me
* kicking me
* refusing to say sorry to me when in time out
We have only had these major problems since not being at home. But I'm not sure if it is crossing the 2.5 age or the fact that he isn't at home that is causing it. I am quickly losing patience and I end up in tears and very frustrated and hurt. It also doesn't help that my family (surprising not my in-laws) are not very supportive as he behaves like this there too and they advise me that I'm a bad mother for not hitting him and that he will turn out to be a nightmare when he is older because of this.
Please tell me I'm not crazy and any advice would be very very helpful. Thanks
Jan you are not a bad mum at all and you are doing the best you can. Your post about Julian could have been written about Olivia. I'd try to just survive until you are back at home because he is out of his environment and pushing the boundaries while mummy is at breaking point. Keep working on the time out darl. Sit there with him to keep him there if you have too. Olivia was so bad at one stage that I had to pick two of her worse behaviours sort them out and then move on to another two or otherwise she would never have gotten out of time out. You're doing a great job keep it up darl.
My DS is doing all of the things that you've listed. The crazy thing is that he can say sorry, and frequently does for random things that are just funny, but will not say sorry for hitting/kicking etc. he will give us a kiss & a cuddle though, so I kind of let him go on that, although as he gets older then the "sorry" will become mandatory.
I kind of don't expect there to be a quick turnaround at this age, so I focus mainly on my consistency and expectations, making sure that I'm being fair. Although I certainly struggle at times with remaining calm & rational with him, mostly cos I'm so tired at the moment.
I reckon that once you're back in your home, and things are more "normal" it will make things a little easier. And not having "back-seat parenting" would make it easier for you too. He won't turn into a monster if you use gentle methods to discipline, no matter what your family says.
This will sound stupid, but I have found that since reading books aloud to my DD she doesn't have those kinda tantrums - to the extent she used to. I think it might be because we have that 'special' time, where as before I left her to play with her toys etc, and she was happy doing so.
The thing that I found is being consistant. It used to drive me INSANE - every time we caught up with my family he would go insane - wee everywhere, throw things etc. My family used to take over and say things like your family. I put my foot down (in front of DS) and made sure people (including DS) knew that I was in charge of disciplining him. Once he knew the rules out are the same as home, things have settled down.
It sounds like you are stressed and I guess he is picking up on that and milking it for all its worth. Kids love consistancy - let him know that he is safe and secure wherever he is!
I think hipmummy and leesa's suggestions combined could work.
Does DS see your ILs undermining you? If so, this could be encouraging his behaviour, but regardless, that has to stop, and I think it's a great idea if DS witnesses that.
I'd say he's also kicking up about the disruption in his life, so maybe some extra one-on-one time might be needed.
Lastly - I have to say my DS gets very upset when he gets into trouble so it is fairly easy to impress him - but what would happen if, say when your DS spits, you stood up very straight and tall and in a very firm and loud voice said something like "EXCUSE ME, how dare you do that? That is not nice, Mummy never spits at you. Don't you EVER do that again." Of course the facial expression combined with voice tone is key here...for me, it's all about conveying the expression with my eyes as well as my face. I channel my old headmistress!
Thanks ladies. I will try your suggestions. I think I have been taking his tantrums too personally and blaming myself for them. I love the idea of tackling two behaviours and changing those. That seems much more manageable and I need to be consistent whereever we are. Is it essential for them to say sorry or just to calm down in time out? How do you do it?
First of all, this is a GENTLE parenting discussion, right? On that basis, I'll give you a gentle parenting option - I'm not sure that holding a door shut on your toddler or yelling at them etc is what I'd call gentle. It's also debatable of course, but I don't think time-out is preferable either. Time IN maybe where you add time with them rather than taking it away.
We have problems with DS hitting, kicking, throwing things etc. In his case I think it only happens when he is particularly bored or unsettled - I would imagine in your DS's case, life is pretty unsettling to him! THis might just be how he is letting you know.
You could
a) try responding to him when he does something like that with "hitting (or whatever) is not okay. Are you feeling angry/sad/bored/worried? How else might you be able to tell me that?"- i.e. try using it as a moment to teach him how to express what worries him rather than acting out. My nephew responds to this sort of conversation REALLY well, it is surprising!
b) Get those "When I'm feeling..." books by Trace Maroney to help him learn appropriate expression of feelings & frustration
c) Make your own little book to read with him with photos of himself doing lovely things and write a very basic story about what to do when he's frustrated. (We did this on a diff issue with DS and it has helped!)
I just realised those points might be quite long-term goals for you if you are looking for an immediate thing. I guess that's part of my philosophy. It's important to tell them it's not ok in the moment, but even more important is helping them to learn what IS appropriate.
Just saying "NO" doesn't achieve much IYGWIM.
I hope that helps a bit...........
I get really frustrated too by the way. A friend said to me recently that sometimes the negative attention that comes with these things is less helpful than just ignoring it. It feels wrong to me to ignore it, but I get what she means. If your DS is looking for attention then it is good to give it in positive ways - like reading time, building, whatever he likes to do so that he's not trying to find it in destructive ways.........
Hopefully he settles down when you get home! Good luck!
Toddler tantrums, how to manage him scratching, hitting me before I lose my mind
My 2.5 year old DS has become very difficult to manage over the last 3-4 weeks. We are living at my MIL's because our house is being painted at the moment as he has gone awol. I have got to the point where I don't know what to do, we are going home at the end of this week thankfully but I am worried that the same behaviour will reappear when we get home. If I tell him he can't have something, take something from him that he shouldn't have or try to get him to do something that he doesn't want to do, it results in one of the following:
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