What is your definition of control crying?

[Crystalwings]

What do you concider control crying?
I never leave Olive to cry herself to sleep but will sometimes let her whinge for a few minutes to see if she will go to sleep which she does sometimes. I have also gotton out of the shower and heard her crying and continued to put on moistriser and get dressed, before quickly going into her. Of course she cries at other times but I don't leave her to cry alone by herself for long periods if I can help it.
So my question is, "do you rush to your baby everytime you hear them cry and stop whatever you are doing or do you sometimes let them cry for a short time? What is the definition of CC to you? Is it to teach them a behaviour or is it anytime you control the amount of time they cry for if that makes sense?"

[krysalyss]

I agree that the definition differs between people.

I never leave my child to cry. To me crying is where the child is crying out for someone or something, or is distressed. It is different to whinging which is more like a groan especially if they have their eyes closed and are obviously trying to sleep. CC does work but it is thought to have negative long-term effects with regards to the childs ability to express emotion, their confidence, and their bond to their parents. The more you respond to your child the more resilient they are for those times when you can't respond (eg. if you are in the car and they start crying while you are driving).

[Eugenia]

I think the official definition of controlled crying is when you're trying to teach your child to fall asleep by themselves so you leave them alone in their cot for increasingly longer periods of time eg you start at 1 minute then go in and settle, then leave them for two minutes before going back in, then leave for 3 minutes, etc. (I'm not sure of the times since I've never used it but it's something like that).

I have let both my kids whinge as they're fallling asleep since they do it when they're overtired. Whinging is not crying and if at any time they started crying I'd pick them up immediately. But you get good at identifying sounds, with DD both DH and I would look at each other and say, "Aha! She's going to sleep" when we heard her pre-sleep whinge, which incidentally never lasted more than a few seconds. DS did it a couple of times when he was brand new but hasn't done it for a long time now.

Some people confuse controlled crying with cry-it-out which is basically just walking away and letting the child cry till they fall asleep from exhaustion. I don't understand how anyone could possibly do that. It must be a horrible way to fall asleep. And I don't believe it would teach children anything except that life is cruel.

[mumiloo]

I thought "controlled crying" was when you let the baby cry for a certain number of minutes (different books giving different minutes) and then go in and resettle them and then do it again and again until they go to sleep. I always wonder how they come up with the minutes. A mother I know said that some book she read (? Tizzy Hall) said that at 3 months they are given "8 and half minutes protest cry". I wonder why 8.5? Why not 8? or 9? Surely each baby and each situation is different it just highlighted to me how stupid those books are (in my opinion). But I have also heard a lot of people talk about doing "controlled crying" but basically meaning "cry it out" i.e. letting them cry until they stop.

I have never done the whole "whinge" before sleeping thing as I feed my baby to sleep and stay with him until he is sleeping. He does sometimes cry a bit then but I'm with him. Not saying it is wrong for others, but I think if I left him to go to sleep by himself the whinge would just escalate.

Do I ever leave DS to cry? Yes, if I am in the shower or on the toilet! (I read somewhere that this is referred to as the "sh**t it out" method LOL). I do try to go to him as soon as possible. Again, I'm not saying it's wrong to do different but for me I just want to get to him as soon as possible. Sometimes when my mum or other people have been over they say "why are you going to him straight away it won't hurt him to cry for a little bit". It might not hurt him but I also don't see the point in waiting.

[Eugenia]

Oh yes, DD has never been left to go to sleep on her own. She has always had someone with her, mainly me when she was little and used to bf to sleep but DH took over bedtime once she night weaned. Now we get one child each.

And don't get me started on the subject of parenting books written by self-proclaimed "experts". I think they should all be shot (the "experts", not the books LOL).

[Lolli]

I'll leave ds to have a bit of a whinge before he is going to sleep. Now he's older, he often just yells 'mumumumum' and throws his dummy on the floor, and I'll ignore that too if he is just calling me back in so he can giggle at me (cheeky thing!!)

I wouldn't define that as controlled crying, or leaving a child to cry. Tbh, I have tried controlled crying in the past and I don't have the stomach for it, it was such a distressing experience.

Apparently, a lot of places like tresillian and Karitane recommend (for babies over six months) somehting called 'responsive settling'- going in to the baby in times of real distress, but ignoring lower pitched cries, rather than timing it. I think that's in response to numerous studies saying it's bad for babies to be left distressed for increasingly longer periods (duh, you think?!).

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

I agree with what's already been said, that there's crying and there's whinging and they're not the same thing. When Aurelia was a young baby she had horrendous colic and all hours of the day and night. For a period of time, this was coupled with breast refusal and there was just nothing I could do to calm her. I did actually leave her in her basinette in the bedroom and took a few minutes to calm down, and she stopped crying. I felt terrible about it, at the time. I would also rock her to sleep in her pram (with the reversable handle turned so it faced me), which was the only thing that worked but also meant she spent a loooong time crying before eventually falling asleep. In these situations, she was sort of 'left to cry it out' but I still wouldn't call it controlled crying - mostly because I wasn't in control of her crying at all CC is really when you deliberately leave them for increasingly long periods of time so they 'learn to fall asleep on their own'.
FWIW I think you can teach a baby to fall asleep alone without doing CC - I used to calm DD down, put her to bed and leave the room, and come back in as soon as she started crying. It took a number of goes but for a while she was actually falling asleep by herself quite easily. Trouble is as soon as a new tooth started to pop through or she had a growth spurt, it all went out the window

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Have to agree with everyone here, whinging and crying are different. DS is allowed to whinge on his own - or just sit in his cot "reading" - until he falls asleep. Most of the time he still needs someone with him though.

We recently found out the DS talks in his sleep. So those little "I thought he was screaming" moments were all in his sleep. Scared me last night as I snuck in to tuck him in and he was babbling away about something or other!

I let DS cry if I'm on the loo, or need it. I also let him cry if he was asleep just two minutes ago and I'm freezing... but never for more than a minute. It's more my laziness than a real CC plan.