You know you are getting close to the end of your pregnancy when you wake up with an anxiety attack! I had BH's from 4pm yesterday, which was fine, took some panadol before I went to bed because my lower back was aching as well, and then I woke up about half an hour later with the shakes and lots of anxiety. Took me a while to realise that all my flashbacks to Eden's labour in this pregnancy is due to the fact that I don't know how my midwife will be during the labour. Will she be like the midwife I had with Eden and just sit and watch me, and not offer any real support when I get scared, or supportive words, and have no faith really that I can do it? And give a really painful VE? Or will she be like the midwife I had with Sahti - kind, loving, supportive - she was always there for me when I needed her, she told me I was doing well, she was on the floor with me through contractions holding my hand through transition - so HUGE freak out last night because of all these bloody BH's and I haven't discussed it with my midwife!!!!!!

Thankfully a friend was on facebook at that time of the morning (I was awake between 11 and 2) and she helped calm me down, and join the dots together to get to the point of where my fear was coming from - I must talk to Mary today and nut it out what type of support I need. Maybe I'm more desperate than some people for reassurance because of my low self-esteem, but it helps having people with you in birth that have no doubts you can do it - and DH and I did not get that impression from the midwife I had with Eden. In my (somewhat messed up) mind, I see myself screaming for help in that labour and her not reaching out - just sitting in the corner watching me. Watching me suffer. Sahti's birth has obviously gone better but not erased it, and since its a new midwife for me - hellooooo anxiety.

Anyhoo. Uh. Sorry about the babble. Just needed to blurt. lol