Homebirth general discussion #8

[meow]

Oh gosh- me too! My H's first day back at work after we had our first and I called him to come home again at 11am!

[HotI]

i was looking at some of the comments on a US site after an article on the Vic woman who died after having her baby at home (i know, i know- i don't know why i did it either ), and it got my thinking about what makes someone an advocate.

Some of the articles have described the woman as a homebirth advocate and said that she wrote a submission in support of midwife funding and legal protection. Ok, so i also wrote a submission last year- does this mean i would be described as an advocate. Is writing a letter in support of something enough to call someone an advocate? What about if you never spoke out publicly but had a homebirth, supported friends to homebirth ... would the media describe you as an advocate then?

i think what annoys me most is that some of the reports have used 'homebirth advocate' in a way that infers that due to the advocacy, the person was unable to think rationally or make appropriate decisions. Getting annoyed is stupid cos i know that these people would never understand or support homebirth anyway, but i dislike the attitude and that it has seemingly become ok to publicly comment and criticise when there is a family who have just lost their mother, wife, daughter.

[Jennifer13]

Well, I got to spend the morning with a whole bunch of HBing advocates at our monthly get together! it was fantastic to see the m/ws again and for the first time be able to share my birth experience with them instead of just ask questions. Talking about it all, I wanted to cry with the joyous memories.

I've had plenty of opportunities to talk about HB with school going back this week too. I'm just busting to be asked where H was born! Anyone else still so proud of themselves and their experience that they can't be shut up? Lol

I got a call from my health fund m/w (they follow you up during pg and after birth to see how you're doing) and she was so excited that I'd had such a positive HB. She said I made her day, she wishes she heard more stories like it.

Ash and Loulabelle - sending beautiful thoughts your way for a joyful birth for you both.

[Bella29]

Jen I think I drive the daycare ladies at dd1's dc mad today cos I was tellin them all about it, and probably horrified them when I said that mima had gone back to asking for breast feeds on a regular basis(although I am restricting her to before bedtimes).

Hot1 I am also sad to hear the debate be only about safety of life and forgetting about safety in the holistic sense, with the hb debate. It is like they ignore that the highest cause of maternal death in the 12 months after a baby is born is actually suicide..... Very sad for this family being dragged thru the mud.... I feel so sad for her husband. Her daughters will miss her in the future, but her hubby and brothers and sisters and so on must just be devastated. There is no privacy given to grieving hb families, as we have seen with Sarah's experience late last year

[meow]

I get the sense that everyone likes referring to her as a "home birth advocate" as it gives the feeling of "you told us to have home births and look what happened to you!". It's sort of a way of silencing home birth advocacy. I guess this helps hospital birthers justify their decision... but I think you only latch onto this if you felt some insecurity about your decision in the first place. If you're truly comfortable with a decision you don't need to bring others down to make your decision seem better.

My HBed son is 14 months old now so generally no-one asks about his birth anymore I remember getting to tell people and it is such a lovely experience to share Jennifer! I went to a LC at the RWH when he was a few weeks old... the appointment had been made 2 weeks in advance and we were mostly over the BFing troubles then so we ended up just talking about his birth. She loved hearing about a HB and wished there were more of them. It was so nice. I love times like when we moved and I took him to a new doctor and I got to state he was born at home. I also love that he was big so everyone thinks I'm amazing for HBing him too. Big ego boost Enjoy it Jen!

[meow]

It is like they ignore that the highest cause of maternal death in the 12 months after a baby is born is actually suicide.....

I think that'll get swept under the carpet a lot. People don't have much respect for suicide. If it was because of birth trauma then the woman should learn to change her expectations. And besides, mothers who suicide are callous, heartless souls. I went through learning about that stigma when my mum suicided.

[Cricket]

I don't have any access to that news story over here - what happened? What did the mother die from?

I find it interesting how the same thing can be handled so differently in different parts of the world. In Holland, home birth is viewed as normal, safe, and pretty common. In Canada, it's somewhat uncommon, but becoming more popular, and our health care covers it. In the US, in some areas, it's fine; in others, it's illegal. Funny how it can take so long for information to be shared and policies to change.

[Jennifer13]

I guess at least it's not illegal here.

TBH we're in a period where HBs are increasing, quite substantially actually. So there's going to be a need for a lot more education until it becomes accepted. At the moment it's moving from something that was rare and on the fringes, with a more radical component. Now there's a mix of moderate and pioneering mums who HB. My HB group looks mostly like any other mothers' group (and exactly like my ABA group), with mums who were VBACs, VBA2Cs, first timers, those who suffered birth trauma previously and those into natural parenting.

I see this as an opportunity to get our positive, amazing stories out there while everyone learns to accept HB. In my case, I have friends who are drs and nurses who were watching with interest, a DP who tells his work colleagues, my own colleagues, my mum (who now thinks HB is wonderful), my sisters (who would have bought into the fear possibly otherwise), my GP... The list goes on and on. So I like to think that sharing our personal experiences has a deeper and more meaningful effect on those we touch, compared to media hype. A headline cannot compete with a new mother who's just bursting with joy and excitement as she tells her story, or the healthy contented baby she holds.

[Cassius2]

See, in my case ppl were only interested in knowing details before the birth. And all that they wanted to know were worst case scenario plans. Annoyingly, once I had M, no one was interested . I found that very few wanted to hear how perfect it was. At MG, 2 of us had babies a week apart...they only wanted the other girls details.I think in their minds asuccessful HB just cannot be real ITMS. I was devastated as our group is so close but on this one, they couldn't comprehend just how amazing and life changing it was for me.

[Jennifer13]

I think ironically the most difficult audience is going to be other mums who've just given birth, Cassius. There would be those who didn't have the experience they expected or wanted or who would need to justify their own choices. I guess some are probably still trying to process everything. It probably is a bit confronting to habe another mum sitting there beaming about it all if you're in any way disappointed or traumatised. But they would have noticed the difference in you, even if they didn't acknowledge it.

I don't have a MG as such, so I'm only speculating, but I do see the odd person launch into all the reasons they couldn't have had a HB, or aren't going to have one, to which I just nod and smile.

[loulabelle]

you're right Jen. although I haven't had a hb yet so can only go by the reactions of people when they find out my plans. but, mothers are the hardest critics. I've got my close friends who are thrilled for me, even if they don't understand and wouldn't do it themselves, they are happy for me and have full support for what I'm doing. on the other hand I have DH friends partners who look at me like I'm awful and somehow endangering my baby.I don't know if its because they were raised differently, high income, private school, I don't know! but, they all seem to think anything other than private model care is not good. it would be so nice if I could relate to them on this whole birth and parenting front, especially being as a few of them are due around the same time as me. maybe I should send them all a birth video when bump arrives.

37 weeks on Sunday. I'm goibg through government funded homebirth here in wa so is a little stricter in what they can do, not lots, but they can't do homebirth before 37 weeks. ill be happy when Sunday comes. I still have so much to plan, pretty much everything bar the pool! am going to try and get through it all this weekend.

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[Bella29]

Meow.... I am so sorry to hear about your mum. U r right about people assuming those things about suicide, but I don't believe them. I don't think that anyone who has been touched by it personally can think that I they have had time to process the grief. But I guess it isn't a topic most people are comfortable discussing. I on the other hand find the hard topics compelling, if very sad.

[*Ash*]

I was devastated as our group is so close but on this one, they couldn't comprehend just how amazing and life changing it was for me.

Oh, that is such a shame.

My two homebirthed bubs are now 3 and 5, so I don't get asked about their births much anymore. However, since being pregnant, I have been getting the inevitable questions about where I am having the bub. So when I say 'at home', I can also add 'My boys were born at home". I have had times where I have told people that i have birthed at home and they have said, 'Was it an accident?' Also, when DS2 was only a few weeks old I had to have some (non-pregnancy/birth) related day surgery on the Gold Coast. Because my little guy was so young, I was asked about his birth. When I told them he was born at home, the surgeon said 'Oh, I didn't think people did that anymore' And the nurse said 'Oh I couldn't handle all the mess and the big clean-up afterwards'. So I set her staright, and told her that the MW's had cleaned up everything and put on loads of washing, and that during the labour of my first child, one of my HB MW's had vacuumed and mopped the floors in our living space because I was annoyed that I hadn't had a chance to do it!

Also, I find that people are quite vague in their reasons for opposing HB. I have had people say that they would rather be in hospital 'just in case' or that HB is 'too risky'. And when you try to clarify by asking 'Just in case of what?' or 'What risks?', they can't really name any. I get vague replies like ' Something might be wrong with the baby' or 'what if the baby isn't breathing' or blah blah. And this is when I love to tell them about the expertise of MW's and the fact that they carry some emergency equipment. Not to mention the fact the the MW is there with you - she is not dashing off to other rooms to check on other labouring women. She is fully attentive and in a position to recognise if 'something' is not as it should be.

[Jennifer13]

Meow - I am sorry to hear you lost your Mum like that. It must be a difficult thing to bear.

Loulabelle - wow, you're nearly there! Looking forward to getting past Sunday for you!

Ash - ppl ask me all the time if DD1 was born at home too, when I say DD2 was. The c/s is a shock!

[Cassius2]

meow: i kinda understand the stigma of suicide too...it hits close to home with immediate family members and to have callous comments thrown around just hurts and isnt justified.

and i think it comes down to fear. that is why people react so full on towards topics that freak them out...topics that they havent had a chance to process...including HB.

[BellyBelly]

Just a quick one, had my first midwife appointment today, was really nice and put me in better spirits. Had a good laugh with her, my partner and my partner's mother.

Jen - I tried checking your FB for the photos but couldn't see them! I would very much love to xxx

[Jennifer13]

Jen - I tried checking your FB for the photos but couldn't see them! I would very much love to xxx

I put the photo in my BB album, hun. I'm going to put more on as soon as I can figure out how to reduce the file size! And add everyone else in here.

Glad your.m/w appt went well! I have my last one next week (6 wk appt a bit early as she's going away). Thank goodness for our group get togethers. I don't think I could say goodbye for good!

[*Ash*]

Just a quick one, had my first midwife appointment today, was really nice and put me in better spirits. Had a good laugh with her, my partner and my partner's mother.

Great! I'm glad you had such a positive experience.