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Thread: On the marriage subject....

  1. #1

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    Post On the marriage subject....

    I'm just wondering how many people get the shocked, confused and raised eyebrow reaction when you have to complete forms etc... when they see that mother, father & baby all have the same surname?

    I'm 25, have been married since I was 21 and DD is 18 months. Whenever I lodge forms of any type, be it doctors, medicare, medibank private, creche, kindergym, etc... I would always get asked 'What is Jessica's surname?', when I would say, the same as mine, they are shocked. It really infuriates me. Is it really that uncommon to have a young, married family?

    By saying that, I don't mean any harm or criticism to those who choose not to marry before children, or children simply come before marriage is considered, it's purely an individual decision & a family is a family regardless of surnames.

    I just think it's frustrating that they see a younger person with a child & assume that you're not married.

    Jayne


  2. #2

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    I'm 25 and was married at 23 and engaged at 20 (those 3 years were loooooong). I have a lot of people tell me I'm "too young to be a Mrs" when they meet me after seeing my name written down, which is a bit odd. Then others who think because I'm young and married, I must have a child somewhere (shotgun wedding type of thing) and tell me I've done well to "keep my figure" (had that when I was engaged too, asking if it was early days yet or tutting at me for buying wine). It got to the point where everything I wore after the first winter of our engagement was very fitted or cropped to show my stomach; I avoided anything baggy or even a size too large like the plague. I still have people write to me as "Miss XXX" after having met me, using my married name, which really annoys me. I have a huge diamond engagement ring and large wedding band I wear all the time, trust me, it's easy to see that I'm married.

    So I guess I have the other problem - the marriage well before the children and people not realising that you marry for, ooh maybe religious or personal reasons other than just because you got pregnant.

  3. #3

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    When I make appointments for the kids I always say "Hello, this is Sherie Brown, I'd like to make an appointment for my son Lindsay" and they will ask 99.9% of the time "is his surname Brown too".

    As much as it annoys me, I suppose it is just a reflection of today's world where many couples are not married (either by choice or are too young), or choose to use hyphenated names, blended families etc. You can't blame them though, it is just them making sure they have the right details because you can't assume anything about anyone these days.

  4. #4

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    Same here Ryn!! I was married at 21 and really didn't look it and people were constantly telling me I was too young to be a Mrs or raised their eyebrows when I corrected them after saying Miss I've had to deal with it for quite a while though seeing as we were engaged at 18 maaaan the comments then - oh you're too young to be engaged, go out & enjoy life first, what I can't enjoy life when I'm married??

  5. #5
    Kell Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarah_H
    oh you're too young to be engaged, go out & enjoy life first, what I can't enjoy life when I'm married??
    LOL Sarah, why is it that people think that if you are in relationship or married you are obviously not having fun! I spose people assume that to be 'giving up your life' and getting married 'young' there must be a reason, ie shotgun wedding - which is just ridiculous! I wasnt married when i had DD, so we had different surnames, i must say i had tut-tutting when i had to put down different surnames! I havent had many raised eyebrows now that we have the same suname, except i always have to spell it out! So i have the opposite reactions to you jayne

  6. #6

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    People say the same thing about having kids though, that you have to slow down, can't go out etc etc. But in all honesty our social life has picked up since having Zander!!

  7. #7

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    hey jayne: i got married at 19 and dale was 21. Everyone looked down upon us blah blah blah. I dont think there was one person who was happy for us???

    im sure it will all be the same when we have kids but in regards to asking if the kids have the same surname- that is common practice these days.

    A lot of married women choose not to take on their husbands surname and it makes it tricky when dealing with family operations. So i guess it is easier for them to ask

    hth

  8. #8
    Tigergirl1980 Guest

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    I got married when I was 19 and I can't remember if I've been asked what Jonah's last name is, I'll have to pay more attention in future

  9. #9

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    I use my maiden name for work and married name at home. Half of my details are in my maiden name still (only because you have to have your marriage certificate tattooed to your forehead to get anything changed ) so I can see that I would be confusing for many. I work in an environment where I have learned to diplomatically ask the relationship between people (after mistaking a man for a woman's son rather than her husband when I was young and niave). I guess that these days they are just checking to get it right.

  10. #10

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    I got married at 25 and had Alex at 25. Both boys have hyphenated surnames but I've kept my own for work purposes (and because I don't want to be called "Podger" when I'm a larger girl.... and besides, who'd give up "Devine"???)

    I do get some queries about the surname thing, but when I explain, they understand. It does give me the irrits, though. I mean, it's modern these days...

    I get more irrits though when people assume we're not married because the boys have hyphenated surnames! I wear a rock too!

  11. #11
    Sal Guest

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    Divvy, so are your boys called Devine-Podger? Hope they don't get teased at school

  12. #12

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    Dp and i are not married yet so my boys have his surname, i have never had funny looks or anything like that when people see that my kids have a different surname to me or anything like that.
    Nick was born 2 weeks after my 21st birthday and Ryan at 23, i have also never had the comments of having children too young, it must be common where we live LOL
    I did howerver have to get my engagement ring resized after Nick was born because i was sick of old ladies giving me dirty looks and assuming i was a single mum because i wasn't wearing my ring

  13. #13

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    You think you have problems .... I could NEVER hyphenate my surname (Cox) and DH's (Moore). Put them together and the combination is not ... ummmm ... socially acceptable!!!

  14. #14

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    I would have loved a hyphenated surname too - but I was a Brown and am now a Smith... really doesn't work, does it? Our families were pretty much all fine with our engagement and marriage, it's the total strangers (like supermarket cashiers) who gave me the most grief.

    Moore-Cox sounds more like a group of birds to me than anything rude, Michelle! I mean, you have moorhens, so there must be some sort of moor**** out there, right?

  15. #15

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    Aside from the fact I couldnt wait to get rid of my surname and I like my new one, Petersen.... *L*

    We married when I was 23 and DH was 21 (a week away from 22); and of course we got alot of the 'gosh, you're both young to be getting married' comments. Thankfully not from our parents, as I would have given my Mum the bums'rush 'cause she was married at 21 and had 2 children by the time she was my age when I got married.

    Even now, it's like people are scared to assume that anyone is married....not sure if it's a sign of the times (so many young women having children and not getting married as the next step - like the way they used to). I too get, "So what is Madeline's last name?". I have to admit, I get quite cranky when this happens. Also, when people call me 'Miss Petersen'. I'm like "I'm married to a Mr Petersen, not his sister!".

    It's pretty sad when you go to the hospital for ante-natal appointments or to give birth; and the staff seem suprised that you're with your HUSBAND. WTF?

  16. #16

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ryn-Frog
    I mean, you have moorhens, so there must be some sort of moor**** out there, right?
    Hmmmm - you are right but the Australian sense of humour does not see it that way!!! It did cause a chuckle at our wedding when my BIL asked during his speech that we please not hyphenate our surnames for the sake of any future children. There were 2 waves of laughter - the first from those who had already considered it and the second from those who had to link them together to understand the *problem*

  17. #17

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    Although Im not married nor have kids, i just wanted to say that, i changed my last name when my mum re-married, but my previous last name happens to be the same last name Rick has!!! Now dont get us wrong! Ricks dad was adopted into this family, so we are definatley not related by blood, although it did freak us out too when we found out! So we cant hypen names, and our kids will not miss out on having mummy and daddy with the same last name, if it came down to that i would change my name back (if we arnt married by then), i guess we are kinda lucky there.

    BUT............

    People look at weirdly when we tell them we have been together for 3 1/2 yrs and we are NOT married and DONT have kids! they think there is something wrong with us! Hello its not the same thing for everyone!! and then get the complete opposite when i tell the same people we are trying!!! telling me we should wait enjoy life while we can (is being a mother a death sentance??!!) and if it happens then it happens we shouldnt worry about trying now!! talk about a walking contridiction!!!!
    So i guess it comes from all sides of things, no matter what your situation, you are bound to get comments!

  18. #18

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    DH and I got married when we were 23 and 20 (almost 21) respectively. We got so much grief from so many people, including our celebrant! When people find out I'm married now I get the "Oh! But you're just a baby!" or "So young? Any kids?" or "why did you get married so young?" (and that one is even more popular when they find out how ling I've been married!) I get so cross with it! I hate it when people ask why I got married so young or how long we had been together before we got married. My standard response is "when you know, you know".

    MG

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