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Thread: By who's standards is it too young?

  1. #1

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    Default By who's standards is it too young?

    I have just been reading over these post and it got me thinking, how do people figure that late teens / early 20's is too young to be pregnant??
    Statistics show that women reach their most fertile age by the time you are 20/24 yrs old. Your fertily drops by 20% by the time you are 30. A mans fertily drops a fair bit once he is over 35. So how do older generations justify frowning upon young mums? I really think it should be the other way round. Once we hit 25 people should be saying "Where are your kids??" I am 24 and have 2 kids. I don't concider myself a young mum. DH & I have been married for 3 years but have been together for 8.
    I can't say that I have experienced the same reactions from people about being a mother to 2 at 24. But then I am pretty sure alot of the people I know thought or think I am alot older then I am. Which gets me down sometimes, i mean Gees do i really look that bad?? Those (including my boss) who have discovered that no I am not in my early 30's!!! try to cover their tracks by claiming its only because im so mature for my age.

    Anyway I know plenty of couples choose to have kids later in life and thats fine but why do people have to knock us who choose to enjoy the gift of children while we are still young?



    Go figure I say!

  2. #2

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    Oh Fiona IKWYM about about looking older! I get treated differently too coz people tend to think I am older than I am. When I used to smoke I'd buy cigarettes and NEVER got carded yet my SIL who is 9 yrs older than me did EVERY time! She got offended because she found people treated her as though she was immature because she looks young, and I got offended because people thought I was 30 at 21 ](*,) And then when they brought in those signs that said "if you look under 30 you will be asked for ID" and I STILL never got asked! Marc and I have been married for 3 .5 yrs and together for nearly 9 so IKWYM! I agree too re age vs fertility. As I said before no matter what someone is going to put you down if they can. I have had the opposite too, one girl said to me "why did you have kids so early? Don't you want a life? I can't imagine being a SAHM it would drive me nuts to sit on the couch all day and watch daytime TV" Now that is RUDE! Firstly I DO have a life and a very rewarding one at that, so what if I am not career oriented! And I DO NOT sit around all day and watch daytime TV. Anyone with kids would know that the only thing on my tv during the day is kids vids & dvd's LOL!
    So yeah no matter what you do you'll always have someone who thinks you should have done things differently! The most important thing to do is be happy with the decisions you've made...which I am!

    *hugs*
    Cailin

  3. #3

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    Hi Fiona,

    I think that it is the couples choice as to whether they start a family or not, no matter what age.

    I am almost 22 and my husband is turning 30 in May. We have decided that we are going to try for a bub in May 05. I never really cared what friends, family and the general public would think. It is our choice and we are very excited. We have been married for 1.2 years and had been going out 5 years prior to the wedding.

    Some people mature quicker than others and are more ready to have a baby at a young age than others. And I also think it just depends what one wants in life. I can't wait to be a mother and watch my child grow and learn. I think there is nothing more precious. Where as other people I know prefer to have a successful career before they even start to think of children. The sad thing though (and I don't want to affend anyone) is that sometimes it is too late and they are too old (biologically).

    But as i said earlier, it is a personal choice and noone should feel ashamed about being a young parent!

    Nadine.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nadine
    .


    Some people mature quicker than others and are more ready to have a baby at a young age than others. And I also think it just depends what one wants in life. I can't wait to be a mother and watch my child grow and learn. I think there is nothing more precious. Where as other people I know prefer to have a successful career before they even start to think of children. The sad thing though (and I don't want to affend anyone) is that sometimes it is too late and they are too old (biologically).

    But as i said earlier, it is a personal choice and noone should feel ashamed about being a young parent!

    Nadine.
    I totaly agree with what your saying Nadine. The whole too old Biologically is what I mean by people looking down on young parents. How can they justify it?

    Its funny my Mum had all us kids (4 intotal) by the time she was 30. She is now 48 and enjoying a career that she has worked hard at to get to & hasn't the worries of Child care etc. Your never to old to take on a new career but as for parent hood, there is an age limit whether we like it or not.

  5. #5

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    I am 24, married and have 2 kids and people are surprised when they find this out, because I am 'so young'. I don't see myself as particularly young to be a parent. I am the only one out of all of my friends to have kids, though, which sometimes makes things hard. My best friend who I have known since primary school still asks me everytime she sees me if I am happy and if I am going to do anything else with my life. It gets annoying but I know one day they will understand when they have their own kids. I think people just find it hard to believe that at my age I chose to have children and I choose to be a SAHM (I HATE the term 'housewife' I think it is demeaning). But age has nothing to do with how good a parent you can be and how much you know about babies.

    Bon

  6. #6

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    hi bon.i hear you,i had my first at 21 and beleive me at the time i did feel very young.people did look at me in a questioning way and even today at gathering or functions i can often be one of the younger ones there with the oldest children.at the time it was difficult as you do feel isolated.none of my friends had any children and still dont.i am 31 now and i have a 10 and 6 y.o and would not change it for the world.infact i had a more difficult time when becoming a parent for the second time at 25y.o.you are right that age has nothing to do with how much love you can give,its about maturity and sacrafice.that was easy to do,dont you think.people tell me all the time that they are amazed at what a fantastic mother i am and how patient i am.i have a wonderful husband which helps alot too.
    you go girl,any more on the way? we are trying for #3.

    nikki

  7. #7
    paradise lost Guest

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    This so gets to me as well. For the last 3 years whenever i've said i would like to have kids soon (waiting around for DP to catch up!!) they've been like "You're FAR to young". Now i'm 24 i get a grudging "well, i suppose you're no SO young anymore". It really bugs me - do they want me to wait until i'm 40 when it's no longer possible??

    My Mum had her 1st kid at 18 and her last (me) at 41, she told me she had more energy with the first and more patience with the last, but felt more tired all the time with me.

    I just want to have kids while i have energy to cope with a baby! I mean i KNOW you cope whatever but i think it will be easier sooner rather than later. Also DP is 33 and i don't want to wait 10 years and think of him, 63, having to cope with a 20-year-old child's demands for college funds when he's about to retire.

    Hana

  8. #8

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    My son Aidyn was born when I was still 20 years old... I dont see it as being too young at all. I have been around lots of teen mothers in my life, so I would have been considered one of the 'older' ones to have a baby.
    There is nothing I would rather be doing now than being a mother. Aidyn has given me more meaning to my life than any sort of career could.

    By the time my mother was my age she already had 2 of her children. And by the time she was 28 she had had her fifth (and last) daughter.
    She was then able to go onto study at university, and graduate into a full time teaching job, all before the age of 40.

    I plan to do something similar to her... I would like to have finished having my babies by my late twenties, and then when they are in school I can concentrate on developing a career for myself.

    Personally I think it is incredibly rude of anyone to judge you by what age you decide to have children at. It is not their life, so they should butt out. The people that tell you to concentrate on your career first, are obviously the people that dont have children themselves. As a career (IMO) is incomparable to the overwhelming love and importance that your child will bring into your life.

  9. #9
    spiddles Guest

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    DH mother had him when she was 21 and I was pregnant when I was 24 and she thought it was young *lol* She said back then you got married and had kids and today it is totally different. Everyone wants careers, a home, travel etc I guess the older generation take us for granted and dont think we grow up that fast *lol*

  10. #10

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    MyBoss hasn't any children ( as much as she insists her 5 cats are the same!) she trys hard to understand what its like but she just can't grab that little bit that only a mother or father would get. She can't understand why we (me & another nurse who didn't return after materinty leave) wouldn't want to keep out foot in the door. Career isn't everything!

  11. #11

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    This topic is so close to home for me too.

    I had my first at 19, my second at 24, my 3rd at 28 and my 4th at 29. Arron and I turned 30 in Oct/Nov, and most people can't believe we have had 4 kids.

    A girlfriend said the other day, "I thought I was young when I had my first and I was 24, but look at you, youwere only 19!"

    SO! I was a mature 19 year old, at Uni with plans for a future and things slotted nicely into place. Now we can enjoy our kids and do other things when they all leave us at home alone! Which will prob be never, my Brothwer still lives at home and is 26.

    I can't imagine having waited, as I still would have wanted 4, and I am tires with 4 at 30, what would i have been like with a baby at 40?

    I say don't listen to people who don't know what they are talking about. You will know what is right for you, and it's not anyones business.

    Funny about age though, i was teaching when preg with the 3rd and had lots of mother's ask me was this my first, when I said no my 3rd the jaws hit the floor, it was so funny, I wonder how old they think I am, some looked like they were trying to do the countback in their heads (prob to see if I'd been a 14 yr old mother) A couple of parents knew i had one other child but were surprise that I had a then 8 yr old. I laugh really, the shocked look was priceless. I am less than 5 ft tall which adds to the illusion of youth I guess. Get over it is what i say (to myself of course)!

    Cheers Michelle

  12. #12
    Ladybug Guest

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    Hi Everyone,

    I know exactly what you mean I fell pregnant with my first at 18 had him
    at 19, 20 I married my man and in early 03 misscarried , then fell
    pregnant with my daughter . now pregnant with another so I will have
    3 children at 23years , my husband is 30 years old,
    I even completed a trade and started my own business.
    I think that it is the best time to try and concieve when you are young
    but it doesn't always work that way, but I am a person who wants to
    grow with my beautiful children and enjoy them while I am young.
    I don't think age should factor in.
    my mothers intuition starts as soon as my children were born.
    I think I do a good job, not perfect but good my children are always
    happy and my mum says it shows.

    from Jodie

  13. #13
    Pietta Guest

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    I have been in a mothers group through the CHN in our area and all the Mums asked me how is it possible that i have been married 2 years and have a baby when I am only 18! I laughed and said- are you serious? they all looked confused- i said i am 24 next month (nov) and their jaws hit the floor!! I asked if it was coz i am immature hehehe and they said no i just look really young lucky me i say!!

    I was one that would say- who wants kids before a career- how unrewarding being SAHM. Now i HAVE to go to work and I am like- awe- i want to be with my boy not at work- but we need to buy a house, get down bills etc and there is no choice. I think it is brave to have children before you have the house car job etc because it means that you grow with your children and they are with you through the tough times. All the Mums at mothers group are 30+ besides 4 of us and they think thats normal. To me its too old (especially the 39 year old)

  14. #14
    Ladybug Guest

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    I hate mothers groups mainly because every time I go and try a new one
    the mothers make fun of me and try to make out that I must be a crap
    mum because of my age , they also assume because I have two kids
    I must be a single and someone that sleeps around, why are women so cruel I think we are only expected to do what our age allows us acording
    to the communities thoughts I live in a area where teen pregnancy is so
    high that there is even a high school for pregnant teen mums.

    so I just wish everyone could see how good we are with our babies
    and leave us alone, because we are not bad mums because of our age.

    from Jodie

  15. #15

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    Im just throwing this in for us to consider - I think it dont matter what age you are, society seems to always expect something different.

    I am 26 and DH is 29, we dont have any children yet but have been trying desperately for years and we are constantly asked "why dont you have children?", "You dont want to be a grandma, having children", "People who dont have children are selfish", "There'll be too much of a generation gap between you and your kids", & "You'll never get your body back as quickly as you would if you were younger".... and so on, and so on.

    I know people who are in their mid 30s and suck as parents, I have friends who are in their very early teens, who also suck as parents and then I know a whole heap from all sorts of ages who are great parents.

    I think everyone out there should just mind their business and let us be the people we want to be - so long as we aren't hurting anyone else what is it to them when we have our children? So long as we be the best parents we can be.


    Keen

    PS. Mind you if I had tried falling pg in my late teens, perhaps I would be by now :-s

  16. #16

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    Default Young or "old"

    Great point Keenas - darned if you do, darned if you dont.
    Here is another point to consider - way back when, women just did'nt have the choice, you just got married and had kids, and your husband brought home the bacon-end of story. Maybe older people(nannas and stuff) find it hard to understand why you would have kids so young when there is so much choice nowadays, choices they would have liked to have for themselves.
    My daughter was born when I was 19, my choice. I will say that there are things that I just couldn't do and things I did miss out on. I wouldn't change a thing and have gone back for more!!
    I too overheard the comments from the idiots with nothing better to do, just look at these people with a bit of compassion, as their lives must be lacking somehow if they think you care about their opinions.
    We get upset, it's because we think these comments reflect on our kids. It's not, remember that, ignore the negativity, go on with what u are doing. After a while u won't notice it anymore, I didn't.

  17. #17
    Weegie Guest

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    I know exactly what you mean. It is true that if you wish you can travel, or start a career at any time (whether you are 18 or 65) but it does seem that there is only a small window (20 yrs or so) that you can actually conceive and have a baby with little or no risk. Not that I have anything against 'older' mothers, my mum had beautiful twin girls 4 years ago at 40 and I adore them. She didn't really have any complications, but she was always having tests and was considered high risk - because of age and also twins. Also, on the other end of the scale my younger sister has two children (age 4 & 2 - both unplanned) and she is 20, she had her first at 16/17. Becoming a parent is truly a case of 'each to their own'.

    I was married at 22, and am currently 23 and 10 wks pregnant. This was a planned pregnancy and I feel truly ready (though admittedly a bit nervous sometimes) to become a mother. Someone at work said to me today (she has no idea I'm pregnant or was even TTC) that I would be stupid to have kids this young it's so stressful etc. etc. etc. ](*,) Isn't it my choice?? People who really know my husband and I (family, close friends etc.) know this is what we really want and are extremely happy for us and know that we will make great, loving parents - plus WE know that and that's all that matters.

    Sorry for the long post...

  18. #18

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    I had Ash when I was 20, am now 24 and people still think i'm 17. I ALWAYS get asked for ID if i go out! So when i was pregnant i looked about 16 and I would get the worst looks of people!
    I remember sitting on a tram with Ashy when she was 4 weeks old and this old guy turned to me and said "how old are you" I replied, "I cant see that its your business but I'm 20" He looked at me and said "No your not, your 17" He was soooo rude and i so wanted to tell him where to stick his opinion!
    People still freak out when they find out I have a child, esspecially when I tell them she's 3!

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