Not pregnant blues, any advice?

[worrywart]

Hi Dreamrise, Thanks so much for sharing your story. Whoa. There is a lot of unfairness in that. I think it is totally fair enough for you to keep your distance too. I am bit confused, I mean, isn't he your son too? I mean, if the two of you had him together, even though it was she who had the pregnancy. I imagine it just didn't work out that way?
I'm sorry to hear it, and wishing you all the best of luck for your own pregnancy to come (fingers crossed),
WW
ps Sometimes I think it's like a job application and some of us have to have a CV as long as your arm, with several degrees, and some others just get ushered through the door as though they are boss's daughter. It's bl**dy unfair.

[dreamrise659]

Worry Wort,

I like your analogy to a job application... maybe my former housemate "knows someone who knows someone"!

In answer to your question:

I am bit confused, I mean, isn't he your son too? I mean, if the two of you had him together, even though it was she who had the pregnancy. I imagine it just didn't work out that way?

My ex and I had both started our own seperate TTC journeys before we met. Once we got together I put mine on hold until after she was pregnant (I started trying when she was 6 months pregnant). We had alot of problems in our relationship so by the time her son was actually concieved things were on the way out. Before she concieved him we had discussed the fact that she was going to do this on her own if she had never met me, so her journey wasn't about us and our relationship it was about her and her desire to have a child. I supported her throughout - went to the medical appointments and antinatal classes etc but I always felt more like I was being a supportive friend rather than a partner or parent of the unborn child. (we had ceased being intimate a couple of months before he was concieved - so I guess if we were a straight couple who didn't need AI he would never have been concieved anyway). When he was born I secretly hoped I would somehow bond with him but I was also scared of bonding in case we split up and she took off with him (as legally it's not always clear cut with same sex couples about child access etc and I know a few women who have been denied contact with their non biological child). Since our relationship hadn't been good for a while I felt the chance of us splitting up was fairly high and I needed to protect myself emotionally. I still helped take care of him and also looked after him when she was in class or had appointments etc but to me he never felt like my son... he felt like the son of a best friend who was a single mum and who I was helping out. We finally split up when he was 9 months old. To start with I babysat him 3 times a week and saw him around 3 times a week with his mum (so saw him just about every day). Even though I didn't feel like his "parent" I still felt a connection to him and when she threatened to move 300km away and take him away from me I was heart broken. We spent alot of time, alot of tears and a lot of work patching up our friendship but I guess after that threat I have been even more reluctant to allow myself to get close to him. She claims that she still thinks of me as his other parent (though at various stages of her pregnancy and his life so far her actions have shown otherwise and those are the things I struggle to get over). Nowdays I only see him about twice a week with his mum and babysit him once a week for a couple of hours. I find it very hard to label or define my relationship with him... because I don't feel like an equal parent with her but I also feel like I am more than just a family friend or an aunty etc. And I struggle at times because there are things I would do so differently if he was my child (like even the way she organised his 1st birthday party etc - just put the invite on facebook and didn't go to anything like as much effort as I had planned to or as I did for my daughter when she turned 1 - and do every year for her birthday) but I feel like I can't say anything because it's not my place to do so. I also struggle with his behaviour and the way she handles it. If he was my son I would be letting him know that screaming the minute he doesn't get his own way is not going to mean I will bow down to him... but she gives in and he has developed quite a temper and already throws amazing temper tantrums (at only 15 months of age). There are so many parenting decisions that she has made that I don't agree with but since my role is so unclear I don't feel like I can even discuss these with her.
So in answer to your question - in Victoria now 2 mums can both have their names put on a birth certificate (as of the 1st of Jan this year) and Qld just changed their laws to allow this as well and NSW and ACT changed theirs earlier. So legally I could be considered his mother now if she wanted to have me added to his birth certificate... but since we split up 6 months ago that will never happen, and I wouldn't want it to either as I feel like it would be making a mockery of those laws since I have never felt like his parent and I have friends who are very much equal mothers to their children and I think these laws are made to recognise people like them.

Sorry for the long winded answer.

Lori
Started donor search Dec 06, Started donor insemination Jan 09, Started IVF Feb 10 - 1st stim cycle - chem preg and no frosties