Telliing your child their father isnt their father

[Maruschke]

I had no idea what genetics were at that age. I just knew that mummy and daddy made me, and then dad left soon after, and later mum met someone she loved who raised me and loved me as his own.

[The[cookie]Doctor]

I had no idea what genetics were at that age. I just knew that mummy and daddy made me, and then dad left soon after, and later mum met someone she loved who raised me and loved me as his own.

Yep my understanding was something like that too. I never thought dad was my dad, I just always knew.

[DaydreamBeliever]

As you know I believe she needs to know. and as you I wasa child who grew up with my stepdad(dad) He will always be my dad. I know how DH must feel because I know the bond he has with DD. But in the end he is theone who has been therefor her and shewill see that in time. There may be tears but as youhave said she will figure it out if you don't tell her soon. I can also be there if you want me to or you can get a counsellor to sit in on it. All will be okay xoxo

[Queen]

No advice just hugs

[Ozziehoffy]

You know, to be honest, I would answer her questions honestly as she asks them. Kids are naturally curious and as they get answers they adapt and move onto the next thing. I was adopted and I don't remember ever being told, so it was always just a "known". My first reaction re: your DH was he is so scared of losing her. The thing is... I highly doubt that would EVER happen... it's a much more special thing to have been chosen by someone than to "have to love" me... get what I mean? However, having said that he might need to prepare himself in years to come for the "you're not my real dad" line in the middle of an argument. I think that if she finds out of her own accord later on that it will cause and wreak a whole lot more havoc than it ever would be answering her questions now.

[Cocolove]

However, having said that he might need to prepare himself in years to come for the "you're not my real dad" line in the middle of an argument. :

This is on his mind a fair bit, shes going through a major attitude problem at the moment so shes bound to say it!

We told her once, when she was 3 and she went out to the plumber & asked him if he was her other Dad, we never kept it on, it was forgotten about and here we are!

DH loves her to death and I know he is petrified, he actually wants to never tell her, hence why I hate bringing it up with him it tends to turn into an argument!

[Maruschke]

This is on his mind a fair bit, shes going through a major attitude problem at the moment so shes bound to say it!

We told her once, when she was 3 and she went out to the plumber & asked him if he was her other Dad, we never kept it on, it was forgotten about and here we are!

DH loves her to death and I know he is petrified, he actually wants to never tell her, hence why I hate bringing it up with him it tends to turn into an argument!

She might use that line, but perhaps not really mean it. To be honest, since she is asking questions, I wouldn't delay any further at all. Delaying the truth just felt like lies to me, IYKWIM?

Maybe your DD is going to take this much better than you both realise . Sounds like your DH is a great father and she recognises that already.

Best of luck with it, I've been thinking of you.

xoxo
M

[fromscratch]

I realise I'm comming in late, I just wonder what course have you taken?

My ds has a different bio-father as well his last name is different than the rest of the family. Dh has been his Dad since he was 14months, last time we saw his bio was when he was 18months. We did hear from him once he was 3 but not since and ds is almost 13 now. I still have the same mobile number which we deliberatly have not changed as his bio has the number.
From memory we sat down and told ds that his Dad was not his bio about 3 or 4.
We have never kept it from him. He knows and has accepted dh is his dad. Of course he has asked questions from time to time, and about 4 years ago there were plenty of questions when he met a family where the children saw a lot of their bio and wanted to know why he didn't see his. That was tricky. All I could say was he was a good man ,and he was, he just made stupid decisions and no doubt he loved him but I couldn't answer his question cause I really didn't know why he didn't see him.
Together we told him my side of the truth and told him that his bio would have a different story as there are always two sides to every story.
Once he was 10 we let him decide which surname he wanted to use as his is hyphinated and he chose my maiden name. He wanted to use Dh's but had trouble spelling it so chose mine.
We explained to him that Dh although he did not share genetics, is his Dad,
He is the one who patches up scrapes and rubs the bruses,
tucks him in at night and
plays with him,
he knows his favourite colour and
all his likes and
dislikes and
protects him when things go wrong.
He loves him with all his heart even though
he is not techinacly blood and
that blood really is a state of mind.
Dh would give his life for his if thats what was called for.
We have to date not had any "your not my Dad" type comments from ds.

I can understand the apprehension.
I Hope no matter your decision, what ever you decide go's well.
Just to add DH was addopted from birth and was told very young as well, which really helped our decision. DH has a strong sence of who he is and where he comes from and has never met his bio Mother or wants to know her. Which is sort of sad, but "the people who raised me are my parents" his words.
Good luck.

[Cocolove]

Still havnt told her *sigh*