how to say they are not invited

[Maruschke]

and wow on all those that would end a friendship over something like that!

If my children were not invited to something, no worries i would not have a problem with it, it is everyones perogative on who they invite and don't invite! i wouldn't take offence in any way!

at the end of the day it is my DD's birthday and i want her to have a good day and a good day she will have

That isn't what would end the friendship. What would end the friendship is you explaining that you didn't want my husband there because you don't like him, or my children because they are wild.

Sorry but I think the wording of the thread made it seem like you were looking for how to tell this woman not to bring her kids and husband, and that's why you got the reaction you did.

[[M]umma[M]ia]

I havent read all the replies but an answer to the original question...

I wouldnt just assume my kids and DF were invited. Especially knowing the circumstance (your children have never met and they are somewhat older than the birthday girl). If I am invited somewhere and their names arnt on it, I would ask what they would like. After all, its their party, not mine.