Pretty much...I guess it just all came to a head with the Chicken....LOL It's the same everytime with them. Always participating, never recipricating.:
Printable View
Pretty much...I guess it just all came to a head with the Chicken....LOL It's the same everytime with them. Always participating, never recipricating.:
From an etiquette point of view if it's such an issue you need to discuss it with them, they might not see anything wrong with how they act.:
The polite thing to do if your not happy is discuss it with them or don't invite them
it will be interesting to see what else is for dinner tonight after you have been over there.
I don't think a chicken is a whole meal. There's surely going to be other things served with the chicken and as someone else mentioned, I'd rather be asked to pick up a chook (which can be done on the way there) than have to prepare a salad. And by the time you buy all the bits and pieces to make a salad, you're looking at the same cost anyway.
I do get your frustration at them not contributing when the situation is reversed, but I think you've put yourself in this situation. In future don't offer if you're unhappy it's never reciprocated. Or flat out ask them to bring something next time, don't wait for them to ask (or not ask as the case may be).
I think it's weird. You're going over to someone's house for a meal, not a big gathering, and you're asked to bring a chicken? It's customary I thought for the guests to bring sides- pre-dinner nibbles, salad, dessert or drinks I would have thought. But the main part of the main course is pretty odd.
:
I just have to say....
that's impressive..... you must be small eaters though.... cause DH, DSD and I will eat half a chicken between us.... so I too could imagine 4 adults....
but 8 adults and 4 kids..... that's not a lot of chicken..!!!!
very very annoying.....:
that to me is more of an etiquette issue than the chicken - and that's actually what upset you, but I guess the others are right.... if it bothers you so much maybe a little comment sometime (not tonight I'd suggest, ANOTHER time when things are settled and you're calm)...
"I feel a bit like we offer to contribute to meals etc, and it's not reciprocated sometimes, I'd really appreicate it if you wouldn't mind offering to bring something sometimes. Thanks."
It sounds to me like the issue here isn't really the chicken, but the nature of reciprocity in your relationship.
yeah, I know :confused: but that's typical of these people. It's like their trying to avoid the cost of hosting, but want to appear to be hosting... Ha!:
interesting thread. i think I understand what Blondie is saying.
We lived in the states for a year, and I don't know if is an Amaerican thing generally (maybe others have experiences here?) or was just the people we interacted with, but there seemed to be an 'understanding' that it was good manners to ask to help/bring something, and good manners to say no, good manners to offer again, good manners to say no...but if a third offer was forthcoming, then you said yes. (and the asker accepted whatever request).
For example:
"Can I bring Anything?"
"no, no, not at all!"
"Are you sure, I am happy to bring something?"
"No, really it is fine"
"please, let me bring something!"
"Ok, you can bring a chicken, thanks."
It was a funny little thing, we soon picked up on.
I think in Oz there is a similar thing. Generally, it is polite to ask, it is polite to say no, but understood you bring some drink or nibbles (depending on the occassion).
But when it comes to regular friends, it comes down to habit. With our circle, which is quite large (lots of kids), the host will be quite clear: i'm going to BBQ, bring the meat for your family, and a salad. (host provides for own family, and the location). Other times the host says, I'm putting on X, please just brings some drinks.
But I can see where blondie is coming from, and while I think getting a chicken is pretty easy (and would hope that this means everyone is contibuting something: drinks, salad, bread, dessert, nibbles). I think she was asking to be polite, and expected to get a "no, it's fine", because the usual thing is for the group is host caters main.
I hope you enjoy their company, blondie, and that you have a great night (hope your team wins!). But like others have said, maybe they are the type of people where next time you are hosting you need to be up front and say "please bring X", even though that feels rude for you? or don't invite them over, let the friendship slide?
that's how i read it as well. i can understand becoming frustrated in that situation & from an etiquette point of view would either address it with them if you feel comfortable or perhaps just not offer in future. it comes down to the nature of your friendship as well.:
fwiw i would find a request for a hot chicken a bit peculiar without context - i.e hey can you bring a bbq chicken, im making x, y & z to go with it. a chicken just seems a bit random :lol:
Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2
I get where you're coming from, Blondie and for me, it wouldn't be about the chicken. We have it happen to us a lot, but in our case we get written instructions on what to provide before we get a chance to ask. Bit OTT really! And sometimes expensive too when you get told to provide a dish that will feed 20+ people. But when it's time for it to happen the other way round, empty hands there, so I understand your frustration :hug:
Now I'm reminded of the infamous Thanksgiving Letter :lol::
Im just gonna put it out there... That letter wasn't real was it?
:hide: I wondered too....:
:ROFL: either way :)
If anyone comes to my house for dinner I expect them to bring some Haagen Daaz Peppermint Bark ice cream. And ONE spoon. I ain't sharing :p
Oh yes it was.:
Back to San Diego: The Thanksgiving Letter
Marney is my hero :heartbeat:
My response would have been,
"Dear Marney, kindly eat a d!ck. See you on Thanksgiving. Regards, Lily."
:p:
Dear PZ,
Please remember to bring the **** in a container with a lid. Remember not everyone likes to eat a **** so don't feel like you have to feed an army with it.
I would totally mess things up on purpose. Not take a lid, bring the wrong kind of spoon, fill up the dish right to the top and then be sure to make a mess when serving....you get the idea. Either that or be too busy washing my hair to attend :p
Onyx, I love you. Died laughing. Cannot attend any holiday dinners until further notice.
From an etiquette point of view I think it's horrendous to ask your guests to bring a whole chicken.
From an etiquette point of view asking if you can bring something is polite. Saying "no, thank you very much." is the polite response.
At the very most you can ask your guests to bring some alcohol or something small.
Unless it has been formally agreed everyone will bring a plate, or in the case that's normal for your group.
Sent from my HTC Desire HD A9191 using Tapatalk 2
A little off topic: at least you KNOW if you attend, that they are actually going to EAT the chicken.
Men have been known to do very odd things with warm cooked chook. A la American Pie.
Trust me. I've seen it all. Don't ask about my wombat story.
Back on topic: I agree that it's more about the nature of your relationship rather than the actual chicken. Next time you invite them over, ask them to bring the rump steak as you're doing the roast vegies.
Please let us know what you had for dinner.
Ahahaha! That letter is gold!
I tend to agree, it's not really about the chicken..if you know they are like this then either don't ask if you can bring something next time, or specifically request they bring something to your next gathering, or don't pursue the friendship if it is that much of an issue.
A chicken is $10, if you were going to bring drinks or even a few different nibbles, by the time you get biscuits & dip or whatever it would probably be close to that amount anyway. $10 is a pretty cheap night out if you don't have to bring anything else..JMO.
If it was a big group, then I think it is reasonable to ask guests to bring something. It is very costly catering.
But for 4 people, I agree with you. It is rude to ask someone to bring a whole chicken!
yes, IF the chicken is to be the main part of the meal then it is rude to invite guests over and then have them cater the main part of the meal - seriously who does that??? C'mon....you ask someone over to your house for dinner and then get them to bring the main course...seriously wacko....so maybe the chicken will be ...ummmmm....I don't know....I am waiting to find out what all the dishes that made up dinner were until I make judgement. So, in my Rule Book...if a host said no, please don't bring anything, then I would take along, a bottle of vino and some flowers and some yummy homemade choccies, but, if they asked, I would go with the request of what they wanted, never been asked to bring along the main dish though.....waiting......
Oh. My. God. Can't. Stop. Laughing. :rofl::
After reading all of this thread I was wondering when The Thanksgiving Letter was going to get a mention. It's like the Godwin's Law of Etiquette :lol:
Bwahahahahaha at the Thanksgiving Letter :D
This thread had me pondering at the expectations we put on friends - shouldn't friendships be easier and less ......um ........ rigid than this? Many people have commented on the 'rules' - there are such specific rules in friendships? Shouldn't friendships be unconditional or if the friendship is not a healthy one, give it up!! Life is too short to worry about cooked chickens! Definitely the issue is the one sided friendship not the chook, so if the friendship is not working for you, I'd just let it die a natural death.
When we entertain, we generally put on everything if we are the hosts, most of the time people supply their own drinks or contribute drinks to the event eg wine, some bring stuff, some don't, we don't really care, as long as our friends come and enjoy our company. If I am getting together with my girlfriends - we will contribute what we can/want to based on what's happening/if we have have something to contribute/or have the time/money to organise something - there are no preconceived expectations
Update: I messaged friends and agreed to bring the chicken. We got there and gave them the hot chicken they plonked it on the bench (still in the bag) next to a pizza (Ham, Cheese & pineapple) and gave us knives and said help yourselves everyone...Hahahah! I have to say the look on DH's face was pretty funny. Funnily enough we got off light with only brining a chicken, they made the other couple bring apple pie, chocolate Bavarian and 2 bottles of Custard. They did make us a Cappuccino after Dinner though...
Thanks everyone for your responses and your opinions (however varied ;) ) were appreciated. For the sake of friendship I'm going to let this go...but I will however be more specific with accepting and extending invitations LOL
Thanks for updating! I think the fact that everyone brought a 'big' item is good! Sounds fair to me.
Are your friends simply cheap, or is it possible they're struggling a bit financially? Pretty different situation to yours, but when DH and I first moved out at 18 our group of friends started throwing get togetherness at each others houses. Dressy dinner party type things. They'd assign each person a dish, and one person was a celiac (sp?) so not always easy to cater for. They'd get grumpy when we'd say that we couldn't afford that. Mind, we also simply would not go, so we weren't seen to be 'sponging'. Even bringing a few soft drinks in those early days (we were surviving off of packet noodles every night) was too much. All these friends lived at home with their parents and didn't pay board or food or bills. In fact, they still do :lol: When we had DD, we pretty much cut ties with them all because they didn't get that not everyone has a disposable income. Like I said, very different to your situation. If they're just tight, well, I'd be peeved and asking them to bring steaks to our next get together ;)
That's hilarious!
Ah well bon appetite!
:lol: im not sure why they didnt just wait for everyone to arrive & order pizza & everyone could chuck in some money!
Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2
:lol: Blondie, that's funny! After all that a bag of frozen chicken wings would have been more appropriate than a whole chicken
As an etiquette question I would say that most of the time if people ask and we say no, or if I ask and they say no it's still polite to turn up with something - nibbles, wine or dessert etc!! I can understand why you would be annoyed with the background though - very frustrating, but to quote myself "people are idiots". Just all of them in general ;) I know the only times we do ask for people to bring stuff is at a bbq - we provide all meat and get whoever is coming to bring a salad.
Trillian - just an OT post but you SO need to post in another 19 threads today and then have a HUGE party :o. Gotta be some kinda record!
You've lost me Tan - what record am I breaking?
ETA - are you talking about the activity thing?
:rofl: that's hilarious. Pizza and roast chicken straight from the bag, what a combo.
Trill- your post count??
Oh yeah! I didn't even see that Heaven. I used to be over 20,000 posts and then they did a big clean out of all the forums LOL.