Donor Dialogue

**SuziQ** · October 5th, 2005, 10:38 AM

Hi everyone
I decided to go ahead and make this new thread. Don't want donor stuff clogging up the progress thread.
I hope you all pop in and share your thoughts and/or experiences with any of us who may be looking at being a donor recipient. It's not meant to be a place to advertise though.
Here is where I'm at....
I've had 2 responses to my ad.
To be perfectly honest, now I'm cra*ppin' my pants.
One sounds like he wants to play a part in the child's life (he's been married for 29 years). It may sound horrible to some but I just don't know if that's fair to the child. Yes, it's important for a child to know who their parents are and I want that. I just think it would get too confusing for the child to have 2 families. It could get messy.
The other potential donor is only 22. Just worried that how he feels now may be different in 10 or twenty years.
Decisions, decisions.
Any thoughts on this??
Love
Sue

**humphrey** · October 5th, 2005, 11:01 AM

Mmmm - this is a huuuge decision Sue. Personally I think the older guy sounds sus. Does he have his own kids? I wonder how his wife feels about it? And how big a part does he want in this child's life? What rights do they have legally Sue?

As for the younger guy - what makes a 22 yr old guy want to donate his sperm do you think? Good grief Sue - I don't envy you honey.

I guess I would want a donor who is doing it for purely selfless reasons i.e. to give someone derserving and unable, the chance at parenthood. Not someone who wants to "extend" his own family.

So I guess if it was me, I would look at reasons why they are doing this.

You are a brave and intelligent woman Sue - you'll know the right thing to do. I have a saying that I always fall back on whenever I don't know what path to take in my life - "Do what makes your heart sing". It's never failed me yet.

**SuziQ** · October 5th, 2005, 11:05 AM

Thanks for your kind words Humphrey. You have completely voiced (tapped) what I am thinking.
I have PM'd the first telling him where I stand ie. I want an anonymous donor and he would not play a part in that child's life unless the child sought him out at 18. It sounds hard, it's not meant to. I could foresee all sorts of custodial issues.
I agree with the you on the second one too. It's all so new to me.
I'm sure in a few weeks I'll be an old hand at this!!!
I love your saying, I'm gunna try that.
Love
Sue

**anney** · October 5th, 2005, 04:07 PM

LMAO at you crappin your pants 'cos that is exactly how I feel! Talking to real people about it, is much more difficult than dealing with some frozen sperm on a stick! I now know why people sit on anonymous donation waiting lists for years. - it is much less confronting. What Humphrey says is the same as what the AED people say about egg donation:

... would want a donor who is doing it for purely selfless reasons i.e. to give someone derserving and unable, the chance at parenthood. Not someone who wants to "extend" his own family.

But at the same time, you don't want to be too suspicious. Just as there are some young women who are very selfless and want to donate, there are probably men like that as well. And remember for men donating is very easy and they could do it every day of their lives if they wanted. some women have the attitude, "well I am not using my eggs so why shouldn't someone else" so there are hopefully men out there with that attitude as well. Just be clear about what you want and make it clear to them as well. I think taking it in your own hands is great.

**SuziQ** · October 5th, 2005, 04:34 PM

Thanks Anney
I have explained where I stand to both donors about anonymous donors only. Also, that it also has to be done through a clinic.
The first bowed out graciously, he wanted to play a part in the child's life. I felt bad for him. He badly wants his own 'genetic' child - has 3 step-children. He responded to the media call for donors only to be told he is too old. He's 48 and apparently 45 is the cut-off age at the clinic he approached. No wonder there is a shortage!!
I have only just emailed the second one. He is only young so I have also asked him to explain his reasons for wanting to donate and also whether he has considered how he would feel in 19years' time if someone knocks on his door looking for their dad.
What is the next step for you? Did you place an ad at AED? Is one of the ladies in there going to help or are you keeping it separate? Sorry if those questions are too personal.
I so totally understand you being scared. Let us know how you get on!!
It's nice to have another potential recipient in here.
Love
Sue

**SuziQ** · October 5th, 2005, 07:22 PM

Hi again
Have heard back from Donor #2. For 22 years old he seems pretty together with the whole idea. Saw the article about donor shortage and just wants to help. Is fine with not having any involvement in the child's life but says that doesn't mean he wouldn't want to meet the child 19 years down the track. Says he's excited by that prospect. He is half Japanese. Does that mean a child would be quarter Japanese? Sorry if that's an ignorant question. I would hate to deprive a child of the exposure to their culture they are entitled to. 6' tall with dark hair and green eyes (not that it matters at this stage of the game).
Anyway, I'll talk to the clinic tomorrow to see what to do next.
Love
Sue

**humphrey** · October 5th, 2005, 08:26 PM

Ooooh Sue - he sounds wonderful (and your baby would look very exotic I think). This could be it! How exciting.

**SuziQ** · October 5th, 2005, 08:38 PM

yes, just think of the wonderful Japanese/Aussie name I could create...

**Keen** · October 5th, 2005, 10:47 PM

he sounds like he has his head around it and has a very matuer approach to the whole thing. I have a friend who looked into sperm donoring a few years back and at the time he was knocked back due to medication he had been taking for an injury - and then by the time that was out of his system he was with someone and had changed his mind. He was only young too - about 24 at the time - and similarly just wanted to offer his service because he could. Figured a lot of it was just going to waste in the meantime (IYKWIM??)

Really hope this could be it for you, Sue...

**NZGirl** · October 6th, 2005, 12:33 PM

I agree with you Keen - wow Sue sounds like a good start anyway. For a 22 year old to even make contact shows a level of maturity I think. What a gorgeous baby it would be too!!! Good Luck Sue!! xx

**SuziQ** · October 6th, 2005, 04:59 PM

Hi everyone
Well, I'll have to keep the 22 year old up my sleeve (hopefully I won't need him).
My clinic phoned today. One of their couples requiring donor sperm has cancelled their cycle. So, I have a donor. They've put me to the top of the list (because of my age).
I kick off my flare ICSI on 16th October.
Pays to distract yourself. There I was, seeking out my own donor and planning a holiday I couldn't afford, and the news I thought I wouldn't get from my clinic for about a year arrived.
I am over the moon and am still puddling up.
Yeehaaaaa.
Love
Sue

**~WatchedByAngels~** · October 6th, 2005, 05:05 PM

\

/ Sue

Hope the donor gives you a successful pregnancy. Good Luck

**anney** · October 6th, 2005, 07:35 PM

WooHoo Sue, fantastic new. Best news i have heard all week! Great clinic you have there to bump you up because of your age.

**SuziQ** · October 6th, 2005, 07:44 PM

Thanks Anney, Fletch and Chele.
Once again, what I hadn't considered happening has happened. I never considered my original donor would reach his limit before I'd finished with him. Then, I never gave my clinic a hope in the world of finding me a donor within the next year.
Now, I just have to convince myself to never consider being pg. Nah, that flies in the face of my visualisation/positive thinking theory.
Uh oh, the crazies are happening already.
Anney, will you be on-line for the AED recipient's chat tonight?
Love
Sue