Motherhood and identity - how does it impact on LTTTC?
Hi all,
Over the past few days I've been reflecting on, and struggling with LTTTC and how women define their roles in society, and what that means for my identity if we are not succesful in having a child. From my perspective I guess that despite women being more career orinentated, independent etc etc, it certainly seems that we are still very much defined by our role (or expected role) of being a mother. I guess I think of social catch up with friends - women still look after the kids, men go and do what they do, one of the first questions that women are asked by people they meet is 'do you have kids', and certainly in rural locations (generalisation I know), social networks are primarily established through mothers group, kinder, school etc etc. I guess that DH and I are not DINK's - our values seem to have resulted in us having a network of friends that are family orientated.
So given my perceptions, I struggle to see where I will 'fit' in this type of society/network if we are unable to have children.
So given this experience, I'm wondering how people on the LTTTC journey reconsile their identity in this type of a society where motherhood is so strongly a core element?
I found that hanging around with other DINKS has helped for me. After five years of TTC, I am getting to the point where I can imagine a childless future. I have to admit though that getting away from the heavily 'family' based culture of suburban Australia did help in this (we had lived in a rural town in Queensland and the suburbs in Brisbane). We moved to London last year and when I think about it we have met lots of people around the same age as us who also have no children. People with children also exist here of course but we seem to not run into them much!
I have only just seen your OP. Rushing to get to work ATM but I wanted to share a great book I read a couple of years back that helped me understand the range of options for defining motherhood, being a woman and to think about the impacts of modern life on defining being a woman and so forth. Its called "Wonder Woman - The myth of having it all" by Virginia Hausseger. I feel just about every woman's story is in here. It made me cry at first but I found as the stories unfolded that I realised I am not alone and that there is something big going on with modern life and women's role in it. I lent my copy out otherwise I would send it to you.
Would be a good topic for the Social Group discussion too (you come up with great ones ).
Poppyfairy - that is an interesting cultural observation re your move to London and that there not having kids is more the 'norm' than having them! It would make a nice change to Aust culture. Wishing you all the best for your journey and hope that a childless future is not what is in store for you - someone needs to buck the UK trend and it might as well be an Aussie!
Dusty - thanks for the book recommendation - I'll go and seek it out from the library. Happy for this to be a social group discussion - am really interested in what people are thinking.
FG - I think a lot of LTTTC women go through these thoughts. When I discussed it with my DH he didn't really seem to get it - he saw his life/role being exactly the same either way. He still wanted to live in the burbs, go to work each day, walk the dog etc. I felt totally different, like all of what I was doing in life hinged on eventually adding children to the picture.
It's a very interesting topic and it is something that makes LTTTC a very emotional and individual journey for everyone.
:hugs:
Jo
Farmgirl- it's a really interesting subject... I also found that my DH had said if we didn't have kids, he would be sad, but would get over it and be OK and life would go on... me on the other hand, found it a hard concept to come to terms with...how would life be if I couldn't have children.
Being on the LTTC rollercoaster for a longtime is therefore so very tiring for so many women especially. This site has opened my eyes up so much more to the struggles people go through and given me much more empathy. take care.
Our LTTTC journey lasted 10 years. In that time I threw myself into my career as I figured if I wasn't going to be a mum I was at least going to be the boss! What I found though, was it didn't change the longing to be a mum.
On reflection, I can see a few huge turning points that happend for me along the way. Initially I struggled with my identity...was I going to be a career woman or a mum? I would make decisions based on 'but we might have a baby' and tried to run two parallel lives...planning one with kids and one without...and all this around the impact of IVF/ICSI. Overtime we had less and less to do with our friends who had kids and I dreaded family events as it reminded me of what may never be.
Then late last year I had a 'light bulb' moment and my thinking shifted, as though the two lives I was preparing for became one. I accepted that 'this' is my life...with or without children it is a journey...and I'm on it! So we've taken this year out as a working holiday and exploring other options for our life...I am now defined by who I am as a result of the life journey I've had...and at that point of letting go...and a great night of yummy food and gorgeous wine...we fell pregnant????
So now I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I really could be a mum...and soon...and after 10 years of grief and accepting that it was probably never going to happen...it's just...bizarre. I still have that little voice in the back of my mind that is running the 'planned' journey for 2008...just in case it's all a dream and I wake up...I just hope that when I do wake up it's with this baby in my arms.
Hang in there...it's a tough, long road...I wish you all the luck in the world!
Motherhood and identity - how does it impact on LTTTC?
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