Was up half the night & the other half was spent crying...not doing too well! Work has been good & I've been at least able to stay home. not sure I would have been able to face my work colleagues after my mental breakdown yesterday. Tomorrow is going to be bad enough. Just need the hormones to settle & hopefully then the emotions won't be so manic. Can't bring myself to tell my little girl that she won't be a big sister. Not that I don't want to try again but don't think that our finances will stretch that far. DP sees me hurting so much & I don't think he wants me to have to go through the hurt again. I should be happy with my lot as we have the most precious little girl, which is more than some others, but my desire to be a mum again is still burning so strong. We unfortunately can't try the "normal way" as we have a 50/50 chance of transferring the genetic disorder which is terminal & to have to wait until I was 12 weeks to get the results before deciding to terminate would be even more heartbreaking than what we are going through now. Funny how kids pick up on things though. DD could sense something was wrong this morning & tried to fane illness so she could stay home. As much as I would have loved the cuddles, could not have dealt with that today. I know that sounds bad but it is the truth. Seeing me all sad all day would not be good for her & not allowing myself time to grieve is not good for me.

Wishing you much happiness Alison xxx