Emotional Strain from DH Perspective

[VelociRaptor]

Well the DW is not pregnant and it is hard to work out if this is a good thing or not. I know my DW really wants to have children, but I think she also needs to really find herself as well at the moment, so I am hanging in there offering as much support as I can.

One of the things I don't understand at the moment is I get in trouble for being too nice?

We bought a Nintendo Wii on Thursday night and it was real fun playing that, my wife really wanted to go dancing (this is what she wants to do all the time at the moment) but I got home late from work. Had my first dancing last night and had a ball, in a month or 2 I should have the confidence to go dancing with my wife, so looking forward to that.

Most things are coming back down to normal at the moment, still not completely right but we are both working on it.

[briggsy's girl]

VR - i too have gone crook at my DH for being "too nice" - it sounds stupid, but some of it comes from him being there for me so much, and me not knowing how he's feeling. i've hurt like hell - and he's been there to hold me, comfort me, tell me it will be ok, we'll try again etc - but he hasn't said "well, that's just cr@p, my heart is breaking" or whatever. it's almost like i'm not sure he's feeling as bad as i am cos he's not expressing it - he's there for me (which, i know, is fantastic) - but i want to know he is feeling. i want to know this pain i'm feeling isn't just MY pain. and again, i lash out when i'm hurting - and i think it is, in a way, an attempt to get him to fight back and show me how he's feeling!

it's weird, and twisted - and doesn't make that much sense from the outside, but to me, at the time, it does (and i've since explained this to DH in a calm moment so at least he knows WHY it happens!)

i'm so sorry this cycle hasn't worked for you and your DW - i hope that you can take the time to "reconnect" and decide together what you wish to do for the future. AC is never easy and puts you both under emotional strain, so you have to be on the same page through all of it.

good luck

BG

[VelociRaptor]

Yes things are definitely improving, my DW is going to have at least the next month of trying to have kids while we sort out own lives out. I have suggested we live a bit for a while, not prevent from trying to have kids but try not put any emphasis on it. We can go holidaying, dancing, out drinking (She hasn't had much drinking in the last 2 years), basically just enjoy life for a while without the added pressure of trying for kids.

Once again thanks for all the helpful advice, it has made things a lot easier through these troubled times.

[tiggerlinda]

That is great news we needed to do that too

[VelociRaptor]

Well I thought things where on the improve, I think they are more stagnant at the moment.

We had a good talk this morning and the feeling she thinks she has at the moment it she loves me but is not in love with me. She wants to be able to live her teenage years that she missed out on when she was younger. I am supportive for whatever she wants to do, I just want to be informed when she gets all the clarity she is after.

At the moment, I need struggle along with my life, which I am finding really difficult at the moment. I keep thinking worst case scenario which I know I shouldn't, but I just can't imagine life without her

[numa]

Oh VR - sorry to hear of your ups and downs. What can I say... other than to empathise with the difficulties you are going through.

Relationships can have a strange magnet like dynamic, and can often end up with "push me, pull you" effects. One pulls back, the other steps forward etc. Perhaps if you really step back and focus on yourself, and your life and try to enjoy time with other people, you own interests etc, she may have the space to look around and see what a great thing she has! At the very least, it may take your mind off the sadness you have been going through.

I hope my feedback isn't out of line. Just my personal thoughts, ignore if it doesn't apply...

All the best

[VelociRaptor]

Hi Numa,

No that is great advice and what it is I am trying to follow at the moment. I am starting to try a few new things (Like join the SES) to see if I can find some other things I am interested in. I have a lot of loving family and friends (unfortunately they are my DW family and mutual friends) that I am able to talk to or be around when I am feeling low. I have decided to step back and give her all the space she needs, but also be around or nearby is she needs me. I am going to wait for her to want to talk about what is going on instead of bringing it up all the time myself.

Once again thanks for all the advice offered and I will keep you updated of how things go. Hopefully one day in the near future I can actually post that we have gone back to trying to have a baby and also post that we are having a baby

VR

[Acacia]

Oh VR, I hope to hear that you're back to TTC and having a baby in the future too, and that your DW is able to feel better soon. It's so difficult for you both.

I really hope in the space that your DW needs that she is able to turn to you. And perhaps the space away from TTC for now turns out to be the best thing for your relationship!

SES sounds like a great pursuit - I know that emergency service people form tight-knit, close communities, and often have great friendships with one another so it's sounds like just the thing.

Good luck with everything, and I really hope and look forward to hearing of better times ahead for you. You've got a great perspective on everything, despite the difficulty of it all, and I'm sure it will lead things right for you

Miss C

[VelociRaptor]

Well an update and it is probably not what you guys want to hear, but my DW and myself have ended up separating about 6 weeks ago. It appears as though she fell in love with someone else during this tough stage in her life which has left me feeling completely shattered and lost.

I have moved into our Investment property down south and starting to come to terms with living on my own for the first time in my life. I still want to have children and the fact that I am only 30 should leave me plenty of time. It doesn't feel like it now, but I am sure I will find a new partner when the time is right and start building a new life.

Sorry to post the bad news guys, but I thought I should let you know where I am at, that I am still alive, struggling a bit emotionally but am trying to stay positive. Once again, thanks for all the great advice and support offered in this post and hopefully in a year or 2 I can be posting a message that my new partner (when I find one) and I are expecting our first.

Cheers

VR

[slyder]

Sorry to hear that mate. Sounds like you are handling it as well as possible and have a positive outlook for the future. The time and energy you have spent in trying to get things back on track is a credit to you. Good luck.

[fionas]

VR - I'm sorry to hear that. Your DW sounds very confused and it sounds like you've behaved very honourably throughout which is something to be proud of.

Be gentle with yourself. Break-ups are always difficult.

I wish you all the very best and lots of love, happiness and tiny feet when the time is right.

[Kitt3n]

oh hun, that just sucks.

best of luck finding the love of your life and being able to share an amazing TTC journey with her.

[farmgirl77]

Hi VR,
I was really sorry to read how this TTC journey ended for you. I hope that you are able to take some time and space for yourself to help with the healing process, and that you find a wonderful person to share your next TTC journey with. Good luck.
FG

[numa]

Hi VR - I was just wondering how you were going a few days ago and wishing you would give us an update (its true!) I'm so sorry to hear its not good news though, what a rough time you have had recently... You sound like you are handling it with grace and dignity and I have no doubt there are wonderful things in store for you in the future. Take care and all the best

[Acacia]

I'm very sorry to hear how things have progressed, VR.

You sound like you have much hope for the future, and I'm glad that you're able to focus on this to help you through the pain of your separation. Your attitude towards helping, understanding and supporting your DW and efforts to make things right in your relationship was such a touching and warming thing to see, and I have no doubt that you will find someone in your life in your future who will appreciate those values in you so much.

I hope that the future brings you huge amounts of happiness with a new family when the time is right.

Take care of yourself, and all the best - we'll see you again in here I'm sure!

Miss C

[VelociRaptor]

Hey Guys,

Thanks for all the positive support.

I am looking forward to the day where I find that someone special again, it is definitely a 1 day at a time process, some days are good whereas others are quite dark and lonely. Living on my own for the first time in my life is a new thing for me as well.

I was lucky to have a great support group of friends, family (even if some of them have been my ex's family) and work mates that have really helped and continue to help me through this time.

I guess the toughest thing has been seeing my wife just seem to not show any emotion and move straight back on with life. She has already got another man (I am pretty sure this was the cause of the whole issue)

It also a little scary knowing I will have to get back out into the dating scene, haven't been there since I was 18 so this could be interesting.

Anyway must get back to it, hopefully in the not to distant future I am back on here posting that my new wife and I have started the whole TTC journey.

Thanks

VR

[belle333]

Hey

I'm so sorry to hear of your break up.

I truly hope that you find happiness, it could be just around the corner.

I have to admit I was in a long term relationship myself, which ended 4 years ago. Before I knew it I met a wonderful man who is now my husband and we are preggers with our first baby. I am 36 and DH is 43, you are still a spring chicken at 30.

All the best of luck to you.