Friends and Family Supporting LTTTCers

[Caramello]

Hi everyone,

This thread is for those friends and family offering support to those going through the LTTTC journey.

All are welcome to share perspectives on the LTTTC journey: family, friends as well as those on the LTTTC journey.

The idea behind this thread is for those with loved ones going through LTTTC/IVF/AC can talk together concerning their approaches, responses etc that they have taken and received, and learn from one another in dealing with family and friends going through LTTTC/IVF/AC in a safe and respectful environment.

Please be aware that this area is sensitive. Any posts deemed to be disrespectful to friends and family of LTTTCers or LTTTCers themselves will be removed..

Your Moderating/Admin team for this forum are as follows:
Onyx - Admin
MadB - Senior Moderator
Divvy - Senior Moderator
Lenny - Moderator
nothing2lose - Moderator

To contact any of the above, please see this post.

[briggsy's girl]

this is a fantastic idea for a sticky! there have been a number of threads over the past few months with people asking how to react, how to speak to their family or friends. having been on both sides of the fence (and continuing to help support my friends through their LTTTC journeys) i'm hoping to pop in here and help people out when needed.

LTTTC is hard on everyone - it's so hard to know what to say and do when someone you care about is struggling - hopefully this thread will be a huge support for the all-important support network!

[Tegam]

I am so glad that this thread has been started! Oh the times i have needed the support of others going through the same thing. Both my sister, SIL and many friends are/or have had conception issues or ivf.... The ups and downs have been amazing. Sometimes it has been like hitting my head up against a brick wall None of this is said to be disrespectful to what they are going through infertility, but this is why this thread was started wasnt it, so those of us that are going through this journy with them can offer a sympathetic ear???

At times i feel that my kids and i have been punished for the fact that i could fall naturally and easily.....by the sisters, by our parents and mutual friends. The emotional withdrawal is so upsetting.... i hate having to tell these loved ones that i am pregnant again, i feel horrible when i say "hay i have news", and they are like "oh what your pregnant AGAIN???" and i could have been about to say we are moving house....

I want to help, i want to be supportive but i just dont have a clue..... whatever i do seems to end up being seen as insensitive even if appreciated at the time..... Is it just the hormones or is it me???

I pride myself on being a kind, understanding person but i feel somewhat drained at the moment...

am i a bad person to be thinking these things?

[briggsy's girl]

*kids and pg mentioned*

Tegam - from the "other side of the fence" - it's probably not you at all - it sounds like you've tried hard to do the right thing by your family/friends, and mostly it's about their inability to face their own issues when around you. there is no intention to punish you or your family, it's mostly about protecting themselves by withdrawing from situations they find painful

all i can suggest is to broach the subject one on one with them if you can. at a time when you don't have your kids around, i would suggest you ask sis or SIL (or your friends) what you can do to support them. let them know that you don't know what they're feeling (because you dont - so honesty is the best policy) but you want to do everything you can to be there for them - you're just not sure exactly what that is! each person who is ltttc has different needs - some need to be treated like nothing is wrong - some need to be handled with kid gloves. the main thing though is to respect them and understand that, while they are still struggling, there will be days when mention of your kids (or any kids) will be like a knife in the heart. other days, they'll want to do nothing but wrap themselves in your kids and their enthusiasm for life.

fwiw - for me personally, when i was cycling, all i wanted was to be around my brothers kids, to wrap myself in their happiness and to dream that this cycle was "the one". i would drop in at their house every second day, get cuddles from my niece (she was only 2 when we started AC), have a cuppa with SIL, and just feel "normal". when i wasn't cycling though, it was much harder - the hope wasn't there, and being around those same kids was painful. or if the kids had friends over, i couldn't be there - it was too hard. for each of our BFP's, i would go and surround myself with them, but each loss made me withdraw and i'd go weeks without seeing them cos it hurt to much. when i fell pg with the Gremlin, i really struggled to accept it was happening - i just felt like maybe it would be over again soon - but after the first scan, we told bro's kids - they're now 8, 7 and 4 - and they have been the influence to keep me sane - their excitement has reminded me to be excited rather than scared etc. but i STILL only see them on my terms. if they have friends visiting i struggle to be there. i think the LT mindset will never go away.

i guess what i'm saying is that,no matter how much you want to be there for your family and friends at the time, it's harder for them to want you there as your success with having kids (which is fantastic) can make them feel like more of a failure. given you've mentioned your sis and SIL, i will just mention that sometimes it's important to be there for the male partner as well. my bro has been DH's rock through all of this - i don't know how we would have gotten through if DH couldn't unload his woe's on my bro - bro would come to me when i was visiting (DH works away so i was there a lot on my own) and ask me to explain to him where we were at, what was going on, so that, when DH WAS there, he understood without DH having to go into detail.



now, from YOUR side of the fence - which is where i'm currently at. i have a lot of long termer friends. yes, my understanding of their journey is strong from a BTDT perspective, but i am still the one who got her dream while so many of my friends still struggle. i have said outright to these friends that my support for them hasn't changed - but that i would step away when they needed me to. i don't mention the Gremlin unless they do. i don't update them on progress unless they tell me to. i have asked them in no uncertain terms what THEY want to know and when they want to know it. i tend to send sms updates after appointments to a large group of friends - but i know at least one person struggles to get those updates during work hours (which i used to) so i don't message her until later. we recently spoke at length about what she wanted to do when the Gremlin arrives and she has asked me to message her as she will only check her phone during breaks in case she struggles with the news. for me, as a long termer - it was that kind of consideration that helped me to cope when i was having a hard time - so i offer the same to my friends. i also don't post on BB or FB (as many of my long termer friends are on BB) until i've had a chance to tell them all personally so that they aren't faced with news like that in an impersonal way

hope that helps a bit

BG

[Reborn]

My sister has been trying for a long time. I think it almost killed her when I got pg. Considering I never really wanted to have kids. But I think it's made us closer now. She calls up to find out how I felt when I first got pg and compares it to how she's feeling. I know she'll get pg eventually. She's too good a person to not.

Some days she cant stand talking to me or seeing my son but others, she needs to see him and hug him. I'm more than happy to pass him to her because she looks so beautiful with him. It gives her renewed strength I think.

I've offered to carry her baby for her but we both know it wouldnt be the same. It wouldnt be the same bond. But I want her to know I'm always a last option. I told her I would when we first found out it would be hard for her to concieve and carry to full term. I'm still more than happy to do it for her. I'll even put up with her husband talking to my belly. She deserves to be a mummy.

[Tegam]

Waiting....so nice you can be there for your sister. I know that i couldnt offer that sort of support to anyone as i just know i couldnt give that baby back at the end of a pregnancy.

BG: Thanks for your long response. Really what you are saying is not really new to me. I have done all the above and yes sometimes it works. I asked this forum to be started in a way because I just needed somewhere i could vent my frustration at the situation. My DH and i had such a hard time with my SIL i called my sister who ad only just started the process and stated that i was there for her, whatever she wanted. Whether that was me involved and talking about it or not. So she said yes yes i need to be able to talk to you, then the next time we are talking she is angry and yelling to me about how unfair it is that i know what she is doing and she has lost the chance to tell people the happy news that she is 10weeks! Well i cant change the fact that she told me when they were going to implant. OR my sil that came to our house, we new she had been implanted, she had said she didnt want to talk about it at the time so when we didnt hear we assumed that it didnt work. Then she came to our house and stayed 3 days, didnt eat any white cheese, didnt drink but was all quiet and reserved.....so DH knows something had happened, knows his parents know, knows his other sister know but knows we arent allowed to ask. We were left wondering, was she, wasnt she, had she been and she had lost one???? So 6 weeks later she rings and tells DH she is 10weeks and wonders why DH just couldnt be 100% with her.......

I guess i fell that you are right somedays hearing about my kids kills her. But I have a life to and the kids are a big part of it and somedays it kills me not to be able to talk to my sis of sil about that stuff IYKWIM. LTTTC is an everyday thing and everyone is on eggshells because you dont know if its a good day. But after 6years of this in my family, when do i get to share the joy of my family, or when can it be ok that a mum has a bad day too and might need to vent????

I guess all i just want to do somedays is scream, i dont really care if they are pregnant or not, if they are trying this month or not. It wont really make a difference to my life either way......BUT I LOVE THEM and I WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY, thats the only reason I can hang in there. I would do anything to give them their dream but please stop the hot/cold relationship with us?????

BG: I am also honest with them and myself. I really have no idea what its like to go through what they are. But its like others that havent had a m/c, when they offered me their support, i new they didnt know but it didnt mean that it wasnt nice they tried????

Again hard not to come across as a B^&%H but this is meant to be a thread that allows that and not somewhere that LTTTC'ers get upset about hearing the other side. I real alot of the TTC threads, just trying to get a better understanding of what its like and i dont reply there when i feel that they are being unjust to some friend or relative that "would have not idea what its like"...

Hope no one is upset at me.