I've been TTC for 9 months now... I just got AF and now I'm closer to IVF than I ever wanted to be! I've never posted here, just read others postings... I just need to vent.

My husband was diagnosed with a varicocele a few months ago and we were recommended to have it embolised. He had triple defective sperm with 0% morphology. He had the embolisation at the beginning of June and my acupuncturist said we should fall pregnant within the first 3 months or probably won't. We went to IVF Australia and met with Ric Porter who also said it was worthwhile trying the surgery to fix the varicocele but he wasn't confident and thought we'd be back to see him. He said to give it 2 months and come back and have another sperm analysis done to see if there's been any change.

Well, I've just found out I'm not pregnant, which leaves us with next month to go. Basically I've got a month till I find out if I have to have IVF. I am struggling to deal with this. I feel so sad and angry. I can't think of anything else... I feel like I'm going mad. My husband is just positive and says well there's always next month. I find it really hard to be positive at all. I feel so sure that we'll have the sperm analysis done next month and there'll be no change and we'll be having IVF. The worst thing is that will be the end of August and we go away at the beginning of November for 3 weeks... I'm worried that they won't have enough time to do a round of IVF before we go. Then it will be December and 2007 looming...

I hate that I'm in this position. I know others here are in the same position - how do you cope??? I feel like falling apart most of the time. It just feels so unfair. And friends around me are falling pregnant, which makes it even harder. I feel so unhappy, I don't want to see friends, I don't want to do anything, I just want to be pregnant... it's killing me. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends about it cause they can't possibly understand and I don't want to hear them tell me to be positive blah blah blah...

Anyway, sorry, I just needed to get this out... I really feel like I'm going crazy.