Peta, I'm so sorry to hear your news. Please take care of yourself - rest and recover with DH and hopefully the appointment on the 16th will be a positive one for you both.

BW,
I understand the pressure of being with extended family when you don't even know them. I have mother who is incredibly difficult to get along with, large amounts of extended family on both my parent's sides (Dad one of 10, Mum one of 8), don't get along with one of my brothers/SIL and I am incredibly uncomfortable around most of them. I don't go to many family functions anymore. Generally, I try to make plans with the people that I am comfortable with at holiday time, and then I have a legitimate reason for not being at family functions. I make plans to be with DF (of course) and my friends at Christmas. Be around the people in your life who make you happy. If your mother is going to call you snotty little brat, then she is obviously someone who isn't going to make you happy or even try to consider your happiness, nor does it sound like your ILs will either. I know they are in your life and that is what family is there for and it can't be avoided, but you have a right to do what is best for you and DH. You can't feel guilty for other people's reactions to what YOUR needs are. It shouldn't have to be your problem. That's a lot easier said than done - especially when there is a reaction there. I have cut off all contact with family at times as a result of family members reactions to my needs and things I wouldn't do that they wanted me to, especially when they have tried the guilt routine and it feels awful at the time, but it does a hell of a lot of good in the longer term. They learn to respect your needs. You deserve to, need to, have a right to, should have your family respect you and DH's needs. And most importantly, ahead of always having to consider your family's needs.

The other thing I have done to express my needs in a certain situation is to write a letter (in this case to my mother) telling her my feelings. My family members get so wrapped up in how they themselves are feeling and being affected that they have no idea that you have feelings and needs yourself. If you can express logically and indirectly, passively - but with heart - how you are feeling and that you need your space at this time, she can't come and stay with you and there is a very reasonable and logical reason why you are requesting this without telling her the reason why and she must accept that, perhaps she can face it in her own time - she may have a chance to step in your shoes before she starts ranting. Same goes for your IL's. Write to them to express that you need space at this time to cope, and ask them to put themselves in your shoes.

I know this kind of thing is not foolproof and I don't know whether it would be an answer for you, BW, but I hope it's helpful in some way. You absolutely deserve to look after yourself and put your own needs first, and not to feel guilty for doing that.

Miss C

P.S.Oh, and yes, BB is full of strangers that we can all talk to, but we're not random strangers - we are all here for a purpose and we can be here for each other, to support each other and talk to each other for a purpose. It's a wonderful thing, it is