Am I being silly I am just feeling a bit down today, so this is a bit of a winge.
So we have MF infertility and had IVF/ICSI to conceive DS after a total of about 1 year trying. We have been "trying" naturally since recommencing BD after the birth of our DS 9 months ago but we know we will need IVF probably.
But recently, two close friends (who know about IVF and trying) have annouced their pregnancies - one with her second and one with her first. Neither of them have acknowledged in any way that it might be hard for us to hear their news or what we are going through. My DH doesn't like me talking about TTC with others, so they don't know the ins and outs of it, but just that we are trying and would love to have our kiddies close together.
It's not so much their news which has upset me (though it does a bit), its more that they haven't considered our feelings. I know I am just being overly sensitive, and I guess it would be hard for them to know what to say to us anyway...
WDYT?
We haven't started IVF again yet (waiting to lose a few more kgs) so I guess that makes it a bit different. Plus our DS is so young. Do you think that is why they don't seem to consider our fertility issues?
I can't relate exactly to your situation, but one of my "friends" (I use the term loosely here) was a few months pregnant when I lost Ianto. I didn't know this, so I said it was okay for her to come over when she wanted to bring me some flowers. She showed up with a massive preggy belly and it seemed like she pretty much flaunted it everywhere At one point, she even grabbed my hand and said, "have a feel, the baby's kicking!" - yeah, thanks, just what I need now, moron! I think that contributed to my not being able to be near pregnant women for a few months
She's due in the next few weeks, and I'm dreading the birth announcement. She didn't even want her first one, or this one (not that that means she'll love them any less, I just mean it's not fair on me to watch her) and doesn't seem to appreciate what she's got.
You're not being overly sensitive at all! It's completely natural to have those "what about me?" moments, whether it's because you want people to consider your feelings before they speak/act, or because of jealousy.
Maybe because they don't have troubles conceiving, it doesn't occur to them to be sensitive - ITMS?
I mean, before I joined BB, I never really thought about people who had trouble conceiving, nobody that I knew in real life had any trouble (or if they did, they didn't share it) so I was probably one of those insensitive people ya know?
I know that when I was pregnant with uh.. one of the girls (can't remember which!) I know my friend was having a hard time conceiving, so we didn't tell her that we were expecting until I was about 18 weeks and she saw my belly (i tried to hide it). Just because I didn't want to be insensitive, and I was scared to admit it, because you feel so guilty when you know your friends are trying and you have no trouble falling pregnant - do you know what I mean?
Ruth - firstly, you are not being oversensitive. It is a tough road ttc with Infertility issues etc.... Infertility is still a slightly taboo subject (unless you are on forums like this one or talking to other going through it) and also people who don't experience infertility don't really know what it is like. (Exactly the same when people experience loss of a child & other people haven't) - they just don't know what to do or say.
IMO & experience the less you tell people the less they know what is actually going on and say things that necessarily may not mean to be insensitive but do come accross that way to people like us b/c of all the emotional & physical experiences we are going through. All my close friends know we are off to see if fs next month & it makes it easier for them & me b/c they are more sensitive even if some of them haven't been through it. They tend to tread around me a little bit & realise when I do want to talk about it & when I don't. The ones that don't know go ahead & announce pgs, talk about how hard it is ttc (like for 3 months) etc.... I have only just learnt to open up more & geez it has made things much more easier for me.
The other thing about your friends - they want to share their exciting news with you, their friend who they assume would be just as happy as them about their news..... and whilst you are in some way, there is always that tings of sadness, jealousy, whatever etc....
Perhaps you need to voice more about how hard this 'journey' is for you so they can understand and be more intune to how you are feeling. - just a thought.
When it took us nearly 3 yrs to conceive #2, I would tell myself that I would want my friends to be happy for me when they found out if I was pg, so I was usually pretty good about it. I found it harder if family fell pg before us though.
You're probably right that they think that because you have your baby DS that you would be ok with it all and unless you (they) have had trouble conceiving it is hard to know what others have to go through.
Not oversensitive at all...I struggle to post in birth announcements here on BB and often don't (even though I am always really happy) because it's just too gut-wrenching for me
Not too sensitive at all. My thinking is that they're thinking that all your hurt has gone now that you have your DS. Like everyone seems to think that getting pregnant again makes the hurt of a m/c go away, and it doesn't.
There was a thread about it somewhere a while ago about this, and I found it really useful as pre-knowledge, to know that I would probably still have those same feelings of... what is it? not resentment, but unease? over others' trouble-free conceptions and pregnancies, even when pregnant again, or after the baby's born.
So that's what I reckon it is. Not that you're too sensitive, but that they can't see the reason to be sensitive. I don't know if there's a best way to handle it. I guess it depends on what you need.
Hi Ruth
I don't think you're being oversensitive - you can't be expected to just switch off your emotions! It sounds like your friends didn't realise that their news may affect you this way.
I totally understand where you are coming from also, and have had similar experiences with people announcing pregnancies and not seeming to consider for a moment, that it might be hard for me; or going on and on about their pregnancy to me etc. I truly think people get so caught up in being pregnant that they forget to be sensitive, or maybe they just dont realise how hard it is for people struggling to conceive.
sorry you are having a tough time...at least here we all understand
I think like everyone has said you just can't feeling the way you do.
No one understands the roller coaster of emotions that TTC and AC can do to you even if you have already had a child.
Recently my SIL announced that she is PG with #3 and at the time I was happy for her but it has really stirred up so many bad memories for me as each time she was PG we were ttc.
The hurt never leaves you but we are all here to support you
Too sensitive over other friends' pregnancies?
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At one point, she even grabbed my hand and said, "have a feel, the baby's kicking!" - yeah, thanks, just what I need now, moron!
I think that contributed to my not being able to be near pregnant women for a few months
You're not being overly sensitive at all! It's completely natural to have those "what about me?" moments, whether it's because you want people to consider your feelings before they speak/act, or because of jealousy.
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