LTTTC after Miscarriage and Loss

Wow, even though I have known you girls for a while now, and known all of your stories of heartbreak and bits of happiness in between, it really hits home, to read your stories again. I guess somewhene in this whole TTC journey we are in, we get so obsessed with eachothers 'symptoms' and 'cycle days' that I guess, it's just nice to have a reminder that there have been some seriously tough times in our lives, and we are very fragile girls.
My story feels a little insignificant to reading the others, yes my history of TTC hurts just as much as anything, but really getting to know you girls, has given me grace to move forward and keep trying, even after so many years.

I have at the top of my sig, TTC since 2005, but actually that's wrong.
When I was 21, I got married to my highschool sweetheart of 7 years, and was trying to have a baby then. ( months after we were married I found he was having an affair so the marriage ended.
I guess you could say that I have not used any sort of contraceptive for 10 years now, and still nothing has happened.
It wasn't untill I met the love of my Life, my now DH, we became seriouse about trying to have a family, so we looked into seeing a FS. We have always been told 'There is nothing wrong', 'We can't find anything' 'You are perfectly healthy'.
My DH and I got married last year in January, and a month later I realised I had missed my period. Much to our suprise, the best wedding gift ever, we found out we were having a baby! The excitement was short lived, the one day I will always try to forget, but never will, is the day we lost our preciouse miracle at 8wks.
I miscarried naturally, and have desperately tried to be pregnant again, to no avail.
Each month that goes by, seems to hurt more than the one before. The anguish becomes stronger, more friends of ours are now onto their second cildren, I hate it.
I feel as though I have turned into a grumpy barron old horse at the age now of 30, and shy away from children when I can. And that is not me.
So after many pointless visits to FS, 3 failed attempts at IUI, we moved onto IVF in Adelaide with Repromed.
After our 1st failed cycle, I was diagnosed with NKcells in my uterus, and am now in the middle of a dreaded TWW on my 2nd Cycle.
I feel crampy, quietly disheartened, and don't feel as though it has taken.
I just don't see how anything can survive the AF cramping I have had, since ET.
I know I had 27 eggies removed only 1 week ago, and that has to still hurt yes, but cramping just aint a good sign for me, never has been XX

Thanks all for reading XX

I really feel comfortable here :grouphug:

Awww hun cramping is a sign of either AF or pregnancy i get exactly the same when i am pregnant i always feel like AF is comming it is when i get the heavy dragging insides that feel like i have just BD for hours that i know its AF but you and i both know those horrible pesseries don't help i cramped heaps more than AF pain and i didnt even have a TF don't drop your bundle just yet that is my job.

Hello ladies
Have been reading everyones stories and its so sad we are all on here in this TTC journey all for different reasons in a way but all for the same reason IYKWIM we have all suffered a loss within the last 12mnths and the pain is still quite raw for most of us although not on a daily basis its still there hiding away ready to pounce on us at the slightest thing ie a pg anouncment or AF turning up or just seeing a tiny baby in a pram when out shopping ! Well girls we are all here because we need to comfort each other and give each other hope and lessen the fear that we maynot get the long awaited BFP !
I am so glad I found all of you as without you all I would be a total mess !

Anyway that out the way I have a story too but I feel sometimes that I am just being gready, as I have 9 kids already yes 9 between the ages of 25 and 2yrs I had my 1st at 20 when married to my 1st hubby. I fell pg again a yr later and although my marriage was not going that well I was so glad I was going to be a mum again, anyway at my 16wk scan I was told my baby had died at 11wks and I needed a D&C to remove the fetus ! I was so upset didn't know what happened, went for a scan but came out being told my baby wasn't alive ! anyway after the D&C I didn't cope too well and eventually my marriage ended I eventually met and moved in with my now DH, my son was 2yrs, We never used contraception and 3yrs later we knew something was wrong anyway we found out my DH had only 1 million sperm in his count and out of those 50% had something wrong ie bent tails and so on. We tried IUI 3 times with his sperm but all failed, this was back in the late 80s and IVF was not an option for us so we decided to try IUI with donor sperm, on the 2nd attempt we got a BFP and a lovely son in Sept 91, we decided to go back to the clinic again 2yrs later for another try of IUI with donor sperm, to our suprise we were pg naturally and were so amazed ! anyhow it was short lived as I mc a few weeks later I was told to wait for a normal AF then start the clomid for IUI anyhow it never happened as I was pg again and had my 1st daughter in march 95 in oct 95 I was pg again, my son was born in june 96, I then went on the pill ! 3yrs later we decided to try again after a whole year I got a BFP mc at 5wks then pg again in April 2000 my son was born Jan 2001 but with many probs ie heart,lung and digestion as well as cranial stenosis, over the next 2yrs he was in and out of hospital 4 majour ops and many times didn't think he would live, When he was 9mnths old I realized I felt ill from being pg again ! I was so scared as I had a sick child and now was UTD again, anyway my son was born july 02 no probs, so worry over ! anyway I went on to have 2 more girls and a boy over the next 6yrs. I did mc inbetween each of them and took over a yr to get a BFP but I did it ! I never gave up hope and knew that the misscarriages were natures way ! However Last year in June at the age of 44 I got a BFP again and was so thrilled as it had taken me 2yrs and a mc, but we decided this was to be the last as now we were well in our 40s. Well in Sept 09 at 12wks 5days I went for a scan as I had a slight brown spotting and was told it was a BLIGHTED OVUM not a baby in the sac. I had a D&C and its hit me so hard this time I guess the reason is I am now 45 I know my hubby has had sperm issues and know my time is about run out, but I just have this empty feeling and great sadness that my baby never came after 12wks of pg symptoms and all the emotional thoughts that go with being pg the planning and the buying new stuff then NOTHING !
So thats me today 45 and hoping to fall pg again, but every month that goes by its getting harder and harder to stay positive.
Sorry for the long winded story I am not really deserving of having anymore I gues I should be happy with what I have but after loosing 5 angels you just never get over it ! I would just like to go into my old age in happiness watching my last little miracle grow up not be in sadness remembering the Angel that didn't get to stay with me ! But I know the clock is against me ! but I am a gambler I suppose and if theres a will theres a way, Just a shame Im too old for any help when I could do with some, sometimes feels like I have come full circle ! back to square 1.
What I really wanted to say was NEVER GIVE UP ! even when the odds are stacked against you miracles do happen they really do sometimes nature does goe against what the DRS say and you could end up with a miracle of your very own ! We were told no need for contraception you won't get pg naturally with a sperm count like that !!!!!! How wrong they were !

Anyway I think I have missed out again this month as Ive got low backache and just waiting for the usual headache then AF will be here I just know she will,

Hi Ladies

I have really learned a lot about you in your stories. You join a forum halfway through and you never know what the others have been through. My story isn’t a long one compared to some others but here it is.

In 2000 I married my first husband I knew it was a big mistake then but did it anyway. We had been trying for 2 years to get pregnant with out much success. I had never had a regular AF. I was 21 and didn’t “know” how to get pregnant IYKWIM. By the 2 year mark I was pretty frustrated and I did think to myself “hmm maybe something is wrong”. I don’t know why I did a HPT but I did and it came up + straight away. April 2001 my DS was born.

I did briefly go back on BC after DS was born but I wanted my children to be close together. So I went off of the pill and pretty much straight away I was pregnant with DD. November 2002 DD was born. I had no problems in my pregnancies. I had small 6 pound babies both born naturally.

Long story short I left my then husband and met my now fantastic DH. We were married July 2009. DH doesn’t have any children and I always knew he wanted them so we decided to go off of BC and “see” what happens. That was the February 2009 before we were married.

As I mentioned I’ve never had regular AF so I figured I needed to have a pap smear (I was over due by about 5 years) and I thought I might discuss with him about my failing to get pregnant and my irregular AF (10 years late). That was roughly 6 months after stopping BC. It was the June of 09.

He sent me off for BT and a dildo cam. Bloods came back as “highly suggestive” of PCOS. Dildo cam came back inconclusive. The sonographer (?) didn’t look for cysts she focused on some rather large veins I have on my ovaries (which 7 months later I found out to be perfectly normal for someone who has had children). So right up until Feb 2010 I was never confirmed as having PCOS.

Any way my GP referred me to an OB/Gyn and I met with her the following July. Right before our wedding. She looked at my bloods and prescribed me clomid that very day. Lucky for me I had my Af and I could start it straight away. So we got married and we were due to O on our honeymoon.

Moving on 4 cycles later and no pregnancy. So Ob/Gyn books me in for a laparoscopy. We had to put it off until the January as PHI didn’t kick in till then. She said I was to keep up the clomid to keep my cycles regular and if we get UTD then fantastic but if not then the lap it was.

So cycle 5 I think I may have had a chemical pregnancy as I got a + HPT on an IC but not on a crystal clear. I figured at the time it may have been an evap line. But now I think it wasn’t. Then we come to cycle 6 and at the end of this cycle I was due for my lap. I had to put off the lap till the beginning on February as I O’d late (which is why I think I had a chemical) and the lap was booked in my TWW and if I was UTD that would not have been good. So 30th January Af arrived. That was a Saturday and the following Monday 1st Feb 10 was my lap. Keep going with the clomid.

Laparoscopy went fine all clear in the pelvis area, tubes are, clear little bit of endo on the outside of my uterus but overall no problems. Was told to keep going with the TTC .

I had also booked an appointment with QFG on the 17 (I think) of Feb so we go along to see Dr De Ambrosis and get our options. DH and I come away with a plan and now we have to wait the dreaded TTW out. I was 4DPO when we saw Dr De.

The end of my TTW was up and I had been HPT’ing since 9DPO with faint BFP’s. so it looked like we wouldn’t need other options. Yay!

So we go to my regular Ob/Gyn for my post op appointment and tell her the good news. I was 6weeks 3 days at that appointment and heard the heart beat and DH was very excited as you could imagine. We made an appointment for 4 weeks time. So we walk out of there with plans to be made and excited for the 12 week scan to see Cleatus (DH named our bub) on the screen.

4 weeks later and we sit in the waiting room all excited and anxiously waiting. We were by that stage 10 weeks 3 days. She gets us in the room and she says lets have a look at bub. So I lie on the bed and she gets the ultrasound and then she say’s it doesn’t look good. There is nothing in the sac and definitely no heartbeat. She sends me off that very afternoon to get another urgent scan to confirm her diagnosis and the sonographer repeats her words Blighted Ovum. She left us alone for a bit and I had a cry. I couldn’t believe it. I had absolutely no clue. No bleeding, no cramping, nothing.

So we head back to Ob/Gyn and I’m booked in the very next day for a D&C. That was that absolute worst day of my life. I was supposed to be 10 weeks 4 days and looking forward to our 12 week scan and to tell all the family our good news. But no I was having my baby ripped out of me. And just to add insult to injury the nurse who was looking after me after the D&C was having a conversation with other staff members outside of my curtain about her 10 week pregnancy! She was describing how big the baby was, how much amniotic fluid it was in etc…. To me it felt like hours but in reality it was more like 5 mins. My world had just fallen apart and I had to stay and listen to that?

Any way fast forward to today and I’m anxiously waiting for AF post D&C so I can start clomid again while we wait to start IVF at the end of June.

Murrycod - it is my lack of cramping that makes me know I'm not UTD, I get much more AF type feelings when I'm about to get a BFP. Isn't it funny how we all look for different symptoms. Hang in there babe, thinking of you.

Ladies it has been sad and heart warming at the same time to read all your stories again. I agree with murrycod that we are all very fragile but what comes through to me far more is how unbelievably strong and brave we all are. It's not just the tough TTC journey we've had but all the other crap life has thrown at us too and yet we somehow find the strength to keep going in the hope of fulfilling our dreams. Even though it is only in internet world I still feel so lucky to know you all and share this time with you. We are amazing women.:grouphug:

Porshe Im glad you told your full story as I didn't know until now ! Im sorry you had a blighted ovum too it sucks hey when you sit waiting for a D&C knowing they are going to rip everything out of you and all you get afterwards is pain and sorrow,
I know I am older than you are but after my D&C it took absolutely ages for AF to return to any kind of normal around 75days after D&C it was so frustrating but now at last I seem to be back on track but it has taken 8mnths and Ive also tried VItex and now chinese meds to ( warm my womb up ) sounds dreadful but I am too old to go on clomid and will try anything within reason, seems to be working for me though as I now get a good bleed and around 29day cycle so thats good as I did go through a time of 33 days then the next one would be 18days so frustrating ! Anyhow thanks for sharing your story and I am very pleased you could join in and hopefully get some comfort on your journey into another BFP !

Thanks Sunbeam and Ferrals XX I know I'd be worried If I felt nothing too, and the cramps are very dull and light for most part of my day today, which is fine by me. It's just silly, I can only imagine this NOT working, I can imagine the dreaded phonecall and all, but I cant imagine it working out for the good. I know it's weird, as much as I feel hope deep down, I guess my brain is trying to protect my outside shell to the outside world!

Anyways, just wanted to let you darling girls know, that I got my long awaited letter in the mail...........We have 12 more Blasties on ice! EEEKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!! So that's 13 in total!!!!
13 is not the luckiest of numbers, I miscarried on the 13th, but because we had 12 blasties from this cycle on ice, and Harvey no2 from last one, the no13 doesn't count!:)

DH is out celebrating my good mood with a few boys and more than a few beers, I'm headed off to start reading NewMoon.......Oh I'd love to get my hands on this Edward Vamp, Mmmm!!!!!

Hey, speaking of being totally in love with a book character, I have a TMI warning comming up girls, so read ahead if your game!:lol:
Well, a few of you ladies already know, I commented the other day about the 'Lacking of nookies' I have had in the past month, well, am still totally to scared to, esp with all this cramping, I'm scared I will bring the cramping on again, well, getting to the point....I have found that I am getting aroused so easily, like watching people get it on, on the TV, (reading Twilight), just thinking about getting some love'n, makes me totally crazed up, and it sort of makes me cramp afterwards, and really...ummm....wet down there. I have never experienced this before, it's like I'm damn horny all the time! But I try not to be, cuz the more I feel turned on, the more I twinge 'down there'.

Someone just shoot me already. 4DP4DT

Murrycod-you dirty little hussy lol reminds me of myself sometimes i just go and prance around DH in underwear that gets him going and i get what i want out of him he he see us red heads always get what we want.

MurryCod - two things.. no three actually, but I'll get to the third in a minute. I have heard many times, and remember too, that progesterone (esp. pessaries for some reason) can make you cramp lots (actually four things but I'll get to that too). Second, I was horny as all hell when I was pg - we called it pg porn (warning TMI coming up) I could roll over in bed and bam!, I just couldn't control it. So, that's the first two things I wanted to say that sound positive to me but we all know our own bodies so only you can tell BUT like Ferrals said, don't drop your bundle yet! I also wanted to say that I totally understand that you can only imagine it not happening because that was exactly how I felt, it was all I knew, just BFNs, but as Crafty put it so well, miracles happen and I got a BFP so you can too! And fourthly - wow!! 12 BLASTIES!!! You better take up knitting 'cause Crafty won't be able to keep up with your babies at this rate :) That's amazing good news and lots to be excited about - I can just imagine how proud your DH is (men are so funny) And lastly, to you and everyone who has shared their story...

...just wanted to say how touched I am by everyone's stories, I feel very honoured to be able to share this time with you all and as a few of you have said, you think you know where everyone is sort of up to but there is so much you don't know and I feel humbled by everyone's experiences. After I wrote mine I almost went straight back to edit it 'cause I felt like there was just too much said so thank you for letting me share it with you and for sharing yours too (I would put a group hug icon here but can't find the icons anymore - having an air-head moment probably they are here somewhere...) Anyway, rambling now so better get to bed.

...and thanks again to Lenny for setting us up here. Night x

Morning ladies,

I woke this morning with another temp rise to 36.81 and i have noticed a metalic taste in my mouth yesterday and today i have only ever noticed it once before when i was pregnant with my first son i still am 95% sure i am not pregnant but the signs my body is giving me is really cruel why does AF symptoms and pregnancy symptoms have to be so similar.

I am watching foxtel and there is a show i didn't know i was pregnant and a lady just had twins and didnt even know she was pregnant no belly no weight gain nothing wouldnt that be nice.

Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend.

Hi Ladies

Just a really really quick one. I'll do personals later on. AF arrived so it's on to "ding ding" round 8 of clomid. I'll start pill popping tomorrow and wait till BDing time! I Hope every one has a great day!

Hi ladies

Well Ferrals fingers crossed for you my girl we deserve to be the next BFPs in here ! I am also having a real hard time with my body, I went to the craft fair in Perth today and have been looking forward to it for ages as its only once a year, well as soon as I got up this morning I felt sick then my head started pounding and I felt so faint, anyways off I went to the show and really struggled the whole day with nausea and feeling faint, all the food smelt dreadful and I also have a sh*t tasted in my mouth, My boobs feel sore every now and then too ( but have this overwhelming feeling that I am not pregnant )
DH bought a chrystal clear pg test on the way home as he said I look really rough and he dream't I was UTD the other night ! Well I am too chicken to do the test keep going in the toilet and peeing in the bowl quick so I can't do the damn test ! I am so scared of seeing 1 line again so I have to get through the next few days feeling sh*t, but with these damn tests sitting there taunting me !!!!!! HELP I am day 27

Crafty.......thaught you were gunna wait for me!!!!!!

I'm cramping way worse now, like AF is on her way, I feel like crap. Loosing it.

Wow what a thread. I just read of all your stories and my heart breaks for everyone of us who has been handed this crap run in life but I am also amazed at the strength and resilience which is so evident with everyone of you ladies.

Murraycod - hang in there darl I know it's hard!

Ok so here goes - I will try and make our story as short and sweet as possible. We started TTC in late 2002 and because my Mum had issues (adopted both my siblings due to infertility) and then fell with me when my sister was 13 mths old, I always knew it may take us awhile. After 11mts with no luck first FS apt who said we were overreacting and to come back in 6 mths and he bet we would be preg. We are now on our 4th FS and have had several fresh and FET's with many resulting in chems. Our first clinic only did qualatative tests so you only got a neg not a HCG level so not exactly sure how many of the early ones were chem. I know over the years I've had loads of chems because I had all the symptoms and AF would be a few days late and then bam show up in full force. Thankfully we have no probs making embies they just won't stick.

In Dec 05 I decided I couldn't take anymore so we investigated adoption. We started the process Jan 07 and we are still waiting. It will be at least another 2 years before we receive our allocation but I will not go into too much detail as you are not allowed to continue IVF whilst waiting (which is ridiculous). But hey we need to do something to pass the time hey! Anyway in Oct 08 I started looking into surrogacy in India as we had just found out the intercounty adoption waiting times had blown out bigtime and we decided we should look at other options. We had some embies on ice at a clinic so decided to do PGD to rule out any genetic issues which came back fine and transferred the one which made it through only to get a chem again. We booked India and left in Feb 09 thinking that we would be lucky and get pregnany first go with twins. I started my cycle here and had EPU in Mumbai. The docs were all fantastic and the facilities great. We met our surrogate and her family which was just incredible, did the transfer and flew home so excited about getting the phone call to say we would be parents. Well best laid plans and all......it didn't work and we would go on to have three more attempts with FET's, working with two wonderful surrogates and then one last try with donor embies. So all up 5 goes and no luck. It was a crap year to say the least and I found myself so down and depressed by the end of 09. There have been many, many couples who we met and spoke with who have gone onto have beautiful babies so with us I can't say why but we just have really bad luck I guess.

I saw the 60mins interview with Dr Sacks late in 09 and decided to look into NK cells with him and it came back that mine were in fact high so here we are hoping that the treatment with prednisolone will do the trick.

We all deserve to be Mum's - with biological means, surrogacy or adoption, and I hope and pray that everyone here achieves that dream really soon.

Cheers Trea

Trea welcome you have such a story wow ! so glad you found us hope we can lighten your load in some small way

Murraycod don't fret I am not testing I will have AF before the end of the week and will be waiting for you to test, now take a deep breath and calm yourself women you know nothing yet you are being negative and its not good so say after me I have a real chance and Im gonna wait until I know the results before I get all negative !!!! cramps are good I got them too and sore boobage and sickness but I could be coming down with the flu and AF who knows !!!!

Wow, Trea, what a long, long journey you have been on, babe you must be so strong XX
Thanks for sharing X

Crafty, I had a dream last night we were all celebrating you r BFP ! Was so weird!

Iv'e been waking up every night since ET b/w 230 and 330 with the strongest urge too wee, never get up in the night ever to use the toilet, but the broken sleep is starting to wither my nerves.

Just a quick one i have to go to work i am 12dpo my temp went up again to 36.91 but a BFN for me so i am out sorry crafty.

Trea - hi and welcome to our new thread and thanks for sharing your story. You sure have been through a lot - I just can't face the waiting involved in adoption and could never get over the ban that stops you doing IVF while waiting. That's the main reason we didn't get the ball rolling on it and now I think we'd be too old. I don't know why it has to be so hard to offer a loving home to a child in need when so many of them are suffering - here and OS - it's just not fair. I still can't get over the need for police checks to do IVF in Victoria - it's outrageous. Anyway, I'm glad you have had a breakthrough knowing about the NK cells and hope the prednisolone works for you. I'll be taking it too on my next IVF, and antibiotics (have you heard of that? It's worth looking into as well, MurryCod I think took them this cycle) anyway, best of luck to you.

Crafty, that is so weird that MC mentioned her dream because I also had a dream that you were UTD! Well, more like a persistent thought than a dream. Sometimes I get really strong feelings about things and often I'm right so fingers crossed x

Ferrals - Your temp is so good to be that high that you would think it was a BFP coming your way so I'm really sorry it is another crappy BFN :( Hope the next cycle is the one and you don't have to do the IVF at the end of June/beginning of Jully but if you do have to we're all here and a few of us will be doing it at the same time so we'll go crazy together and hopefully your little blasties will be free from the genetic probs you have with your DH and your long wait will be over.

MurryCod - cramps suck and I'm sure it's doing your head in our damn bodies give us so much misinformation especially on IVF it's always hard to know what's real and what isn't. Well it's all real but YKWIM...is it the drugs or is it because AF is coming or is it because you are pg I hope it's because you are pg I really really do. Hang in there - it's the worst time this waiting it's a bit like rock climbing (ha not that I do it but I did it once and it seemed to me to be as much of a mental challenge as a physical one) so hard to keep the mind still. I always try to make a pact with myself that this time there will be no forecasting but of course I always do we're only human and what else can you think about? It's hard to think of other things and I'm sure you are doing your best to distract yourself to stop it but be kind to yourself no matter what happens you've done the very best

Sevie, Sunbeam, Trea, Porsche - how are you all today? I hope you've had good weekends.

AFM well my brother and his partner are doing their second go at IVF and I sort of understand why they told me - have the experience in common etc - but I wish they wouldn't it was hard enough when they got my niece from one go after all the years we have tried and they never seem to think about what it might be like for us to hear about it probably because we try to be excited and happy for them like everyone else while inside it hurts like hell. If we'd started IVF in May as planned we'd be doing it at the same time thank goodness we aren't - if they get a BFP and we didn't, don't know how I'd cope with that. Hate that all this sadness for our own loss can make me feel like that about my own brother but does feel like he was born under a lucky star - he always seems to get what he wants.

Did you read about poor Kit? Her 6 week scan didn't go well (bub's heart beat was too low) after all her bleeding she must be crushed she's having a break I tried to send a message but her box is full.

Sorry for the bummer post - wish I could cheer everyone up - has anyone been having fun bding - any silly stories to tell? I have AF so nothing exciting happening here x