Hi everyone,

Thanks for the support... well I got my period last night. It was weird because I had blood when I wiped but after I put a pad on I had nothing all night - though I got really bad cramping from around 2am this morning. I cried most of last night. My blood test is tomorrow so I will still go (just in case) but I'm finding it so hard trying to find the balance between holding onto hope and dealing with the 99% probability that it will be a BFN.



To top it all off I had a bit of a fight with my ex girlfriend on the phone last night. We split up in December and she was with me for most of my trying to concieve journey. I had been looking for a donor for 6 months before we got together and then once we were together we started looking for a donor we could both use. A year after we got together she got pregnant through donor insemination and then I started trying with that same donor (with no luck). I struggled to support her through her pregnancy and stayed with her until the baby was 9 months old (even though we had actually stopped being intimate about 2 months before he was concieved). All this time I struggled with my own fertility issues and she tried to be understanding and supportive but I began to resent the fact that it had been so easy for her (she fell pregnant on her first AI attempt with that donor). After we split up we have remained friends and to start with I was looking after her son 4 times a week but that has dropped away now to about once a week. She has tried to be supportive of my IVF attempt and I have used her a bit as a sounding board.



She knows I have been spending a bit of time with my new friend but doesn't know that it is anything more than friendship (though I think she might suspect). My new friend and I have agreed not to tell anyone anything until we know ourselves where it is headed and we are in no hurry to try to define it (or put expectations or restrictions on it) yet. Anyway last night my ex rang and asked if I would like to have dinner with her on Wednesday night (as she knows I have the blood test on wednesday). I told her I'd already made arrangements with my new friend as I thought if it's bad news she will hopefully be able to cheer me up (we have so many laughs together). My ex got really upset, hung up and when I rang back she was crying and then this morning there were a couple of emails from her. She said she felt like she was being pushed aside and she had been there with me through most of this journey and suddenly I don't want to share my possible successful pregnancy with her because I have a new friend.



The truth is (and I explained this in an email to her this morning) I felt 99% sure it was going to be bad news and I just wanted to be with someone who hadn't been part of that journey so that she won't be wanting to cry with me... I don't want to cry (though my new friend told me that she thinks I need to grieve in order to be able to move on and I shouldn't try to push my feelings aside or bury them).



My ex is hurt and angry and I understand why but I can't spend time with her at the moment because it is a constant reminder of what I want and can't have. She has her son... over 3 years after I started my journey I am still no closer to having my baby. I don't want to resent her or him but to some extent I do. I put my plans to try on hold for a while as we decided she should try first since she had never had a child and I had a 10 year old daughter back then (she is now 13). I now regret that decision because I wonder if I had tried sooner if the outcome would have been different.



I cried most of last night. My overriding feeling at the moment is that I don't want to do this all over again. But I also don't want to quit because I'm worried that I will never feel okay about it and I won't be able to handle seeing other people getting pregnant easily (I'll still be happy for those I know have struggled for a long time and finally succeed). I don't want to become any more bitter about all of this... but then I think if I try again and I'm still unsuccessful will that make me even more bitter? I don't know what to do. I just keep thinking I don't want to do this again, I don't want to start all over, I don't want to have to gag on the pill every day for a month, take the nasal spray exactly 12 hours apart and then the injections and then the surgery for egg pick up and feeling so sore afterwards. I don't want the emotional rollercoaster of finding out my eggs are duds and the embryos aren't growing as they should and then having one transfered and waiting, waiting to see if it has worked Praying, hoping it has worked and worrying what if it hasn't because none of my other embryos developed enough to freeze. I don't want the 2 week wait of every twinge, cramp etc being a sign - but of what? Pregnancy, Period or Hormones? I was lucky in that I didn't have side effects from the drugs (apart from tiredness and perhaps being a bit emotional) but if I go again will they up my dose (since this cycle was so unproductive) and if they up the dose will I then suffer side effects? I just don't want to do all that again.

I think I am so over the whole trying to concieve thing. I just don't want to do any of it again. But at the same time I don't want to never have another child. I feel like I have been on this journey for so long and I just need it to end... but I also don't want it to... i don't want to admit defeat.



My ex is planning on trying for a 2nd child later this year and I told her that if I don't get pregnant I don't think I'll be able to handle seeing her get pregnant again. I realise that sounds selfish but I am just being honest. I resent the fact it has been so easy for her (emotionally, physically and financially - I paid all the costs associated with her attempt with this donor and her previous unsuccessful attempt with a different donor).



I just hate this. I hate the fact that I had bleeding last night and then it stopped and I started to hold onto hope again and then from around 2am this morning I had such bad cramping but no bleeding again and I want to hold onto the hope that maybe I am pregnant but I want this emotional roller coaster to just end. I can't handle it. I don't want to hold onto hope to just be shattered tomorrow but I can't help it... I waver between hoping, praying maybe by some miracle it might all be okay... and knowing that there is no point hoping for a miracle because it won't happen and I need to accept it and move on.

But I don't know how to move on... I don't know how to feel okay about this.



Lori



Started donor search Dec 06, Started donor insemination Jan 09, Started IVF Feb 10. Blood test Wednesday 26/5/10