Oh Rachel, I feel your pain and distress - it's truly is heart-breaking no matter what anyone else tells you. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes, because I went through exactly the same situation with my daughter but when she was four months old. I felt so much guilt and so much anger at having bloody RA and not being able to do the things I wanted to as a mother. Everyone will say to you "Well, at least you had seven months of breastfeeding" and "thats more than some mothers get" etc, etc, but I still felt sad about it for a long time because I felt like a failure. My daughter is almost two, and is thriving, but I'm really envious when I see other mothers breastfeeding. I will definitely be doing things differently next time we have a baby - trying my damn hardest to keep RA in its place by not stressing out so much! Stress was a big factor in me stopping BF as well as the side effects from the steroids I was taking.
I know it's really hard for you now, and hard to accept, but your little boy will be fine. In fact, he won't even remember it! Be prepared for changes that may happen (change in sleep routines, etc) as it was very stressful for my daughter switching to a bottle - she refused it so we had to wean her within 24 hours (tough love). But it sounds like you have weaned your son slowly, so the transition will go fine and he won't even know. I do recommend having your last feed in a quiet, happy place, where you can just enjoy being with him. My last feed with my daughter was at 2am in a very sleepy state in bed, and I barely remember it... I wished I had fed her one more time and really appreciated that special four months we had together.
Once you are on MTX you will be amazed at the difference - you just feel like a new woman! It's been a life saver for me and that also means you'll be able to do lots of fun stuff with your children without pain... which is what this is all about - if your pain is gone, you can be the best mum ever!!
Lots of hugs to you and bub, and if you want to talk more about it, just PM me as I'm happy to help.
Thank you so much for your lovely words. I really makes a difference to know that other people have gone through this. I really never thought it would be this hard and I just wish it wasn't happening. You are exactly right about the comments I get from people about Sam getting 7 months of breast milk. But it really isn't a consolation at the moment. I was describing the feeling to my husband as similar to a break up with a boyfriend. The feeling of not being needed is quite torcherous. But I know the feeling will fade and pass with time. Just not nice while it's happening! I fight the urge everyday to feed Sam just thinking that one more time won't hurt, but I know I won't be helping myself or my kids.
Today was a real eye opener for me. It's the first time in 6 months where I felt almost normal. I have been on Prednisone since Wednesday and it has really helped. The pain is still there, but not to the level it has been. I could actually get down on the ground today! Very exciting.
I'm planning on feeding Sam for the last time on Wednesday night before he goes to bed. There will be a lot of tears (Im starting to cry just thinking about it) but I know we will be ok.
Thank you for your support. It helps to talk to people who really understand.
Ah... prednisone! I have a love-hate relationship with it... I do ok when I'm on 10mg per day, but after IVF transfers I need to increase to 20mg per day. I know that 10mg doesn't control my pain fully, but I also know that 20mg makes me really angry and aggressive and just generally not nice to be around, so I limp along in pain just so I can stand to be around myself. We're using the prednisone to provide some relief with the arthritis, but also to control the autoimmune problem that we think is the cause of the arthritis and the reason my body attacks my babies. I don't often admit to my doctors how bad things can be, because then I know there'll be pressure to stop IVF and go to methotrexate, and I'm just not willing to do that yet...
I really can't say that I understand how you are feeling with having to give up breastfeeding, I can only imagine that it's absolutely devestating for you.
I think it's odd that this evil condition can effect people in so many different ways. It really is quite horrible to experience it, and even worse that it's so hard to predict what will happen for someone with it.
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