Thanks Tootie

I dont feel like a total freak about the clothes now.

After i got to work i hardly noticed that i had them on so it is nice to come to terms with that part.

I am really struggling and maybe you can help me with this one. I want to have a new baby. We are going to try this month. I am really excited about that as a new baby brings a whole lot of new hope and excitement for our future again. BUT i am feeling funny about Katelyn. Its not that i feel disloyal to her for having another baby. I have had a couple of big conversations with her about how she is the first and nothing can change that and another baby cant change how much i love or miss her so i am sure that she understands everything. However a few weeks ago i was completely wrapped up in just her, and i still am its just that i am thinking about a new baby aswell. I guess i am just trying to adjust to being a mum to Katelyn and a mum to the dream of a new baby. I guess it was only 10 weeks ago that i was waiting for the weeks to go by for Katelyn to be born so maybe i shouldnt be so hard on myself as my life has done a total backflip. Its just that at the end of the day i feel like i havent "been" with Katelyn enough. I still hold her ashes for a couple of hours each day and think about her all the time. Even when i am thinking about a new baby i am still thinking about it in terms of Katelyn so its not that she is out of my mind. I hate the feeling that i am progressing in my grief. I feel really torn because out of loyalty to Katelyn i feel like i want to stay in the day of her birth for my whole life and never forget or feel any better about my life and on the other hand i want to add a new baby to our family and have some good times again. A baby we can hopefully bring home alive rather than precious ashes. I guess that i want to world to know how much i love her and i dont want anyone to think that if we have a new baby it makes everything alright. It doesnt make it ok how could it. My life will always have a big piece missing.

Does any of this make sense?

Love Sarah

By the way my OB just called i have an appointment with him on the 22nd of June. So that is really good because i can see him before i go to the specialist in perth.