Tootie,

I dont think that i am feeling guilty as such about Katelyn dying. I know in my heart that i would have done anything in my power to save her if i could have had the chance. I just wish that i did have a chance. I did all the right things during her pregnancy and nothing i could have done would have prevented FVL from rearing its ugly head.

When i say i am feeling mixed up it is me saying i cant get my head into order that day. I dont think that my emotions are swinging around its just that i have so many at the one time. I am just constantly very sad and miss her alot (my heart feels broken). The only way i can describe it is like a black cloud over my head.

I know that i said before that i was struggling to come to terms with being a mum to Katelyn and also a mum to a new baby. I think that this has settled down a bit now. Did you find that TTC helped you to move forward a bit with your grief?

I hate moving forward because it does feel like if i do that i am leaving Katelyn behind. Like you say i am just not ready to move on from her. I am coming to realise that she will always be with me. I dont think that i will ever come to a point where i say "ok i am done with that". These feelings about missing her will always be there.

I think that with a little more time i wont feel so mixed up. When i say i hate moving forward, i do its just that also i dont like feeling this horrible longing for something i want so badly and i know that i can never have it (not in this lifetime anyway). You were spot on when you said that i am in a bind. I dont want to feel better about what happened to Katelyn but i do want to learn to accept it as part of my life. I dont think that i can accept what has happened until i have another baby and my life is "as it should be". I have always wanted to be a mum and my dh desperately wants to be a dad so i guess a new little baby in my tummy will help us both to move forward to a more positive place.

I am trying very hard to explain myself the right way it is not always easy to put these sort of feeling down into words. When i do though it helps me to feel like i am more in control and organised.

Dont worry about anything coming across the wrong way - you havnt and i know that you are trying to help me anyway. I appreciate your kind and understanding words and thanks for your time.

Love Sarah