Baby Lost - Heart Broken (Factor V Leiden responsible)

Hey Sarah,

I think it's totally understandable to have a bit of a 'phobia' about certain things when they remind you so distinctly of your loss. IKWYM about the clothes, in fact I can still remember to this day what I was wearing when we found out that our first little angel had died and I haven't worn the top since. Even the smell of certain things has the same effect with me - I used to use the Body Shop Nut Butter on my tummy at that time but haven't been able to bring myself to use it since then. I love the product itself and the smell of it and how it used to make my skin feel, but I just can't bring myself to actually use it.

Thanks Tootie

I dont feel like a total freak about the clothes now.

After i got to work i hardly noticed that i had them on so it is nice to come to terms with that part.

I am really struggling and maybe you can help me with this one. I want to have a new baby. We are going to try this month. I am really excited about that as a new baby brings a whole lot of new hope and excitement for our future again. BUT i am feeling funny about Katelyn. Its not that i feel disloyal to her for having another baby. I have had a couple of big conversations with her about how she is the first and nothing can change that and another baby cant change how much i love or miss her so i am sure that she understands everything. However a few weeks ago i was completely wrapped up in just her, and i still am its just that i am thinking about a new baby aswell. I guess i am just trying to adjust to being a mum to Katelyn and a mum to the dream of a new baby. I guess it was only 10 weeks ago that i was waiting for the weeks to go by for Katelyn to be born so maybe i shouldnt be so hard on myself as my life has done a total backflip. Its just that at the end of the day i feel like i havent "been" with Katelyn enough. I still hold her ashes for a couple of hours each day and think about her all the time. Even when i am thinking about a new baby i am still thinking about it in terms of Katelyn so its not that she is out of my mind. I hate the feeling that i am progressing in my grief. I feel really torn because out of loyalty to Katelyn i feel like i want to stay in the day of her birth for my whole life and never forget or feel any better about my life and on the other hand i want to add a new baby to our family and have some good times again. A baby we can hopefully bring home alive rather than precious ashes. I guess that i want to world to know how much i love her and i dont want anyone to think that if we have a new baby it makes everything alright. It doesnt make it ok how could it. My life will always have a big piece missing.

Does any of this make sense?

Love Sarah

By the way my OB just called i have an appointment with him on the 22nd of June. So that is really good because i can see him before i go to the specialist in perth.

Hi Sarah

Your loss was not that long ago it takes time to get over something like that.
I know you feel disloyal to Katelyn but only the two of you can make the choice of trying for another, it may help with the grieving process if you TTC again.
You will always have your love for Katelyn and that will never go away. Have you made a memory box so when you have other children you can tell them about her ??

I do not know what you are going through as i m/c at 6-8 weeks.
But i have had family loss and i know that is hard to deal with as well.

Love
M
:pinkdust: :hugs:

Hi Michelle,

Just so you know i consider that a loss is a devastating loss it doesnt matter how far along the pregnancy was. Just because i was so far along everybody knew about it. I am glad for that now because Katelyn has touched so many peoples lives. They didnt know her and they didnt see her and cuddle her like we did but lots of people were still very sad that she was gone.

I do have a memory box and one of my other posts above i shared the things that i have done. Also my aunty has made me a cross stitch and is sending it down so that is really nice.

Family loss is hard. I lost my grandad in January. We were very close and he was 81. He had been ill so it wasnt unexpected but it was very sudden in the end. I was lucky that before he was made unconcious for treatment we got to talk to him. I told him that i loved him and he was the first person to know (aside from me and dh) that we were expecting his great grandchild (i had only know for 5 days myself at this point). So i think that Katelyn is up there with him now. I know he was a really fantastic grandad to me and im sure he is looking after her very well for me now.

Thanks for the :pinkdust: i am now sending some back to you.

Love Sarah

Hey Sarah,

I really think that the feelings you are experiencing are totally normal considering your loss. It's natural to be excited, as well as apprehensive about TTC again, for a variety of reasons. I think that you have explained yourself very well in that you feel the need to be a Mum to Katelyn and like you haven't spent enough time with her. It can be really frightening to 'let go' of what has happened to you, even though it's a very important step as TTC again will be a very emotionally and physically draining experience. I guess 'letting go' to some extent means 'moving on' and it sounds like you feel like you're in a bit of a bind as you don't really feel quite 'ready' to move on yet, even though you really want to TTC again this month. You have done some wonderful things to remember Katelyn by, and I think that by always reminding yourself that you are a Mum to a beautiful daughter is very important for both you emotionally, and your future family. I guess the feelings that you are having are kind of similar to those that I had, and the feeling I had that I needed to ask 'permission' from our angels to move on IYKWIM. It made me feel better about TTC again, although it still frightened the pants off me and I felt the need to always remind myself of our little angels and how they should have been here with me. I'm not sure I'm really helping or explaining myself very well here.....but I guess I'm trying to say that it is understandable to be swaying between different emotions and it can be very frightening to feel that you're moving on and wanting to TTC again whilst you feel like you should be staying on the day of Katelyn's birth. Do you think that you feel the need to stay in that place stems from a feeling of guilt? It can be so very easy to point the finger at yourself....in fact I think it's something that we all do and no matter how much time passes, I think you always do to a certain extent. Quite often people feel the need to live in past times because they feel an element of guilt about something, or even regret. I don't know of course if this is the case with you, but if you do find yourself feeling guilty and therefore needing to kind of 'punish' yourself by remaining emotionally on the day of her birth, that's perhaps something that you need to think about a bit more, or talk about a bit more. I'm not a counsellor or anything like that, but having experienced these feelings and having discussed them with many others, guilt does seem to be a fairly common thing, and quite often one of the hardest emotions to deal with. Forgive me if I'm being presumptuous at all as I don't mean to be.... just trying to help you get to the bottom of things and work out a possible reason for you to look at that might help you work through your feelings in a way that will be more positive for you.

Hi Sarah, sorry I haven't poked my head in here for a while, life has been a bit hectic with the loss of my beloved Grandma just 2mths&1d after our precious little man, Alex.
I totally get what you mean about wanting to TTC another baby & feeling odd about the loss we have just suffered. I get totally confused & can go from 1day wanting to TTC, to the next wanting to rip DH's head off for suggesting it. I guess I get stuck in the "what ifs" a bit, like if only it could have happened now coz I would have been almost 29wks & he could have had a chance at life. But I know that that isn't the way to look at it but I just can't help feeling that way. The loss of Alex absolutely devastated me (& DH) & I don't know if I could go through it again. Although I desparately want another baby, I know we are lucky to have one healthy, happy, gorgeous little boy in James, but I still have trouble accepting the fact that our chance to have 2 healthy, happy boys has been destroyed. I find it hard because they look so alike, Alex was the spitting image of James when he was little & even now when James is asleep, all I can see is Alex's little face when I held him after he was born. I'm sorry if I'm rambling, I'll get back on track.
I just wanted to say that I hope you get the tests & reassurance that you are seeking. I know the OB who took care of us & Alex was absolutely fantastic, he did all he could to help. He offered us genetic testing to make sure that there was nothing there to prevent us from TTC again. He is of the opinion that as I've already "cooked" one to 32wks (that is when my son was born) he can't see why we couldn't manage it again. He has also been brilliant in suggestions as to how he would manage another PG in our case. He said he would do vaginal & cervix swabs in the early stages of PG to make sure that there are no bugs there that shouldn't be & then repeat those tests a couple of times along the way. He also said if we ever were worried about how PG (& bubs) was progressing we could make an appointment with him & he would do an U/S to have a look. I honestly believe that if we hadn't of been sent to him I probably wouldn't be thinking about TTC again at all! I hope it helps to know that with all you have been through you are not the only one thinking the way you are. Hope that things are looking up & that you are going ok.
Sending lots of :hugs: your way & take care of yourself

Hey Sarah,

Yes, how you feel totally makes sense. I'm sure Katelyn knows how much love you have for her, and she will be with you, be a part of you no matter how much time goes by and how many other children you have. You don't have to leave Katelyn behind. Progressing with your grief and thinking about having another baby does not mean that you are forgetting your daughter or that she means any less to you. Everyone here, especially, understands that Katelyn will always have a special place in your heart and life. Don't feel that you have to rush the grieving process, or be 'over' it by a certain date. It can be really daunting looking to the future, so take the time to work through your emotions day by day, and we are here for you if you need to get it all out.

Hi Sarah

How are you doing ??
Hope you are feeling a little better in yourself.

Have had a couple of good days but just think that is because DH is home.

The only other loss than the m/c is my mum died when i was 14 and i know from that it took ages to forgive and to get used to it. But never forget it's starnge to think that it was 18 years ago but does not seem that long ago.

Sending you more :hugs:

Hi everyone,

Still feeling mixed up today. Dont really know how to explain it.

Sometimes i think that i am portraying my grief in a negative light. I think that i am dealing with it as best i can and that is ok. Katelyn's loss is so huge......

Thanks for replying though it really lifts my spirits.

I have a question about AF. Hope that it is not tmi.

Here goes - I had my first AF since Katelyn was born. It was very light and only lasted 4 days. My usual cycle is about 32 days and an even up and down with blood flow over 5 days. So on the 1st i got my second AF (32 day cycle). It was very light almost stopped the first day. From then on it was very very heavy i have never had bleeding like it before. So today is the 8th and i am still bleeding but it is more of a smudge now so i guess it will finish soon but my questions are: Is this normal? Will this affect the amount of days in this cycle? Will i still be able to TTC this cycle and still get preg?

Tootie, Thanks for your thoughts. Its good to know that what i am thinking is ok. I dont think that i will ever be able to let go of Katelyn at least not in the near future. I also dont feel that i can start to move on until i have another little life within me. Both my DH and i think that another baby will help me to look forward to the future. I dont feel that i am punishing myself just that i should be upset because of whats happened. If i dont cry everyday i feel very bad about it because i lost my little girl i should be crying and then i end up crying anyway. I will have a bit more of a think about this. Thanks.

Kirsty, Im so sorry about your grandma. When i lost my grandad in January i had told him about Katelyn. I like to think that Katelyn and my grandad are together now and he was such a great grandad to me that i know he would look after my little girl very well. Im glad that you have James but understand that it doesnt make Alex's loss any easier. I look at Katelyn's photo all the time. Its very difficult to see them isnt it. I hope that you are having a good day today.

Angel, Thanks for telling me that you are sure Katelyn knows how i feel. Its nice to know that someone else believes in this too. Good luck at your appointment - let me know how it goes.

Michelle, I am so glad that you have had a couple of good days. Im sorry that you lost your mum, i cant imagine how hard that is. Hope that your days continue to be as good.

Love Sarah

Hey Sarah,

I'm glad my thoughts gave you something to think about - whether they are right or wrong of course is dependent upon your situation and only you can know in your heart of hearts how you feel about everything. I hope what I said didn't come across the wrong way or anything! Feeling mixed up is a pretty awful thing and if there were a magic wand that I could wave to make it all better then I would because having emotions that seem to fly from one extreme to the other don't make you feel very good. Trust me, I know! I can only tell you that those kind of feelings will gradually settle down, and I hope it's sooner rather than later because I know how hard it is, but it really is so different for everybody!

As for AF. Don't worry about TMI - we all understand! Your cycles can be a little bit wonky after suffering a loss - your body has taken a real beating physically and can do a few weird and wonderful things before it's back to 'normal'! I'm not certain, but I don't think that the number of days AF hangs around for actually necessarily affects the number of days in your cycle. Also, after my 2nd m/c (didn't have AF after my first as I fell PG again right away) I had the worst AF!! It was a lot heavier than usual and I had really bad pain. I'm one to always suffer quite a bit in terms of pain with AF, but this was pretty phenomenal.

Tootie,

I dont think that i am feeling guilty as such about Katelyn dying. I know in my heart that i would have done anything in my power to save her if i could have had the chance. I just wish that i did have a chance. I did all the right things during her pregnancy and nothing i could have done would have prevented FVL from rearing its ugly head.

When i say i am feeling mixed up it is me saying i cant get my head into order that day. I dont think that my emotions are swinging around its just that i have so many at the one time. I am just constantly very sad and miss her alot (my heart feels broken). The only way i can describe it is like a black cloud over my head.

I know that i said before that i was struggling to come to terms with being a mum to Katelyn and also a mum to a new baby. I think that this has settled down a bit now. Did you find that TTC helped you to move forward a bit with your grief?

I hate moving forward because it does feel like if i do that i am leaving Katelyn behind. Like you say i am just not ready to move on from her. I am coming to realise that she will always be with me. I dont think that i will ever come to a point where i say "ok i am done with that". These feelings about missing her will always be there.

I think that with a little more time i wont feel so mixed up. When i say i hate moving forward, i do its just that also i dont like feeling this horrible longing for something i want so badly and i know that i can never have it (not in this lifetime anyway). You were spot on when you said that i am in a bind. I dont want to feel better about what happened to Katelyn but i do want to learn to accept it as part of my life. I dont think that i can accept what has happened until i have another baby and my life is "as it should be". I have always wanted to be a mum and my dh desperately wants to be a dad so i guess a new little baby in my tummy will help us both to move forward to a more positive place.

I am trying very hard to explain myself the right way it is not always easy to put these sort of feeling down into words. When i do though it helps me to feel like i am more in control and organised.

Dont worry about anything coming across the wrong way - you havnt and i know that you are trying to help me anyway. I appreciate your kind and understanding words and thanks for your time.

Love Sarah

Dear Sarah,
I know how much it takes to "get your head" around your loss & you are right, you will never forget the little girl who was part of your lives for such a brief time. I found it hard to admit that I wanted to move on as I felt that in some way it meant I had forgotten Alex. I came to a point where I decided that I was ok with him being part of our lives for such a short time & that it was ok to want to move forward, he is always in my thoughts & nothing can ever erase the fact that he was part of my life. You will find your own way to deal with it all & if being PG again is what you want to do, then go for it. Katelyn will always know that you care & that if there was anything you could have done to make her outcome different then you would have done it.
As for AF my first cycle after m/c was normal, but my second AF visit the first day was a nightmare! The first day I bled really heavy & I mean really heavy. I was changing a tampon every 2-3hrs & it was soaked. After day 1 it settled back down, thankfully & went on to finish off normally. I don't think it will affect your chances of a PG this cycle, you may just O a bit later than you would have.
Hope things are going a bit better for you & thinking of you.

Hey Sarah,

The way you describe feeling 'mixed up' as being not able to get your head into order that day are very much a reaction to grief. Do you find yourself unable to remember things much? I know that this is what has happened to me in the past with deaths in my family, as well as after my m/c's. The brain just seems to get a bit jumbled up for a while I think.

And it's totally natural to have lots of different feelings and emotions at the one time. You can swing between them, or have them all at the same time - either way it's pretty confusing and a bit daunting. I can only imagine how much you miss Katelyn. Honestly, the feelings of missing her will never disappear - they will stay with you forever. It will always be a very upsetting thing, but in time I hope that the hurt lessens just a little bit. I really don't think you can ever get over this - losing a loved one, particularly a much-loved and precious child is just so devastating so it can take an awfully long time to really regain some normality in life. You've lost not just little Katelyn, but all the hopes and dreams that you had for her. Whatever you do, don't feel bad about the feelings you are having because they really are understandable and normal.

Did TTC help me move forward with my grief? Yes, for me, I believe it did. When you have hopes and dreams for something so precious, it's pretty hard to just give up on them. After my first m/c we tried straight away (without waiting for AF) as I really felt I had to move on and that was my only way. During this time I did all the 'memorial' type things that I've mentioned to you before. We were lucky enough to fall PG again but sadly I m/c again and I really felt battered and bruised - physically and emotionally. It was after that that we decided to wait a cycle (plus there were other things in my life that needed my immediate attention) and I think waiting a cycle was the best thing for me - it gave me just a bit more time to adjust to what had happened, to think about moving on and to focus on what it is that I really wanted. So after waiting 1 cycle, we then TTC again and I fell PG again - third time, first time we tried IYKWIM. But yes, I think it has helped me. I've now had 2 EDD come and go and I still feel so very sad for my little angels, but I also have a new little life to focus on and support.

HTH!!

Tootie,

Thanks for being so open and honest with me. I agree with everything that you said! My brain is better now at remembering things than when Katelyn first died but i still find it really hard to concentrate on anything else. Hence why i am on this site all the time. Searching for the answer i guess.

You must be pretty fertile. It must be a load off your mind that you can conceive so quick. It certaintly would help me to think "dont even worry about it Sarah it is going to happen straight away and you will have the new life to look forward to". It is Katelyn I miss the most but also my pregnancy was also cut short. I was 18 weeks and i had just started to feel better after terrible morning sickness (spewing up 6 times everyday for a few months) and i really loved it sick or not. It will be good to have all that again - not the sickness but the feeling of a little one growing inside you.

I like to think that this really long and heavy AF is my bodies way of cleaning out and making room for a new baby to be conceived when the time is right. Do you think that is a good way of looking at it? Or should i be more concerned that it is a bit all over the place?

Sarah

Hey Sarah,

Our OB at the time said something to us how we must have been a very fertile couple! It was hard though...particularly thinking that we could conceive so quickly, yet suffer 2 losses in a row as well. We both thought how we would prefer to wait a little longer if it meant a healthy baby IYKWIM. It's not to say it will always be this way, so I try to tell myself that as much as we could conceive easily this time, it might not be the case for subsequent children. Obviously I hope it is, but you just never know. It's a pretty weird thing the ol' body! I always worried that it would be the opposite of course....that it would take forever.

I don't think I'd be too concerned about the fact that your AF is a bit rough ATM. The body does need time to adjust and it can take a while before things return to normal sometimes. I think it probably is a good way to look at AF - that your body is recuperating in readiness for a new little life, i.e. your body is doing what it needs to do to physically recover and prepare itself for the future. I think looking at it that way does help you emotionally as well. Obviously if you find yourself getting really concerned about it, or you feel that your cycles are all over the place for longer than what you would like, then it's always best to go and have a chat to your OB or specialist about it who can really point you in the right direction. But for now, I'd just try to look at it the way that you already are if you can.

Hey Sarah,

My cycles after my first m/c were all wonky too (have yet to see what they will be like this time!). Some cycles my spotting finished around CD8 or so, but there was one cycle there where I kept spotting up until CD20! Like the other girls have said, your body has been through so much, and it might take a while for things to settle down, especially as you were so far along in your pg. Also, it's not unusual after a m/c to find that your cycle has changed from what it used to be (a bit longer or shorter, lighter or heavier AFs). As Toots said tho, if you are concerned then have a chat to your doctor about it. At least that way they will hopefully be able to ease your mind a bit.

Dear Sarah,

I have just read everyone's posts. I have been away from the computer for a few days. I think your feelings echo so many of us in this thread, it is such a rollercoaster, having good and bad days, and then feeling bad for having a good day etc etc. I am sure Katelyn would want you to be happy and to remember all the beautiful things about how she felt in your tummy, and that it was a special gift, but her journey could only ever be short, and that you have your own journey that you have to live, and whilst your and hers have parted in our way, you have been touched by one another. I am sure that she knows that your journey is not just to be a mother to her, but a mother to other children. You will never forget her, and perhaps you will always be sad, and that is OK. I know I will always be sad when I think of all our little babies, and I accept that. I know that by ttc again this time, I had to let go of our little moonbeam, because I wanted another baby, I couldn't have moonbeam anymore. I have a woman at my work who is due a week before our moonbeam and I look at her with a big tummy now everyday. I have stopped comparing myself as I know that that is her journey not mine, and I feel blessed that I can enjoy pregnancy again from the very beginning, to get to feel a little baby growing inside me, strange as it sounds. It is hard to move on, but by moving on it doesn't mean you have to stop loving or remembering Katelyn, it just means there is space in your life for another baby, that you are opening the door for another soul to come into your life. We are not waiting to ttc again as I know that I want to feel a baby growing inside me, and to have a baby and I am not going to feel complete and fully happy until it happens. I just also know that for me, waiting would not take away the sadness or the fears of losing another baby, so we are plunging in again, and desperately hoping this journey will be smoother.

I think you should do what feels right for you and be OK if you feel confused and unclear about what to do at some times. Ask your heart for guidance, or use your intuition by imagining that your eyes are in your belly and they are looking at the situation, rather than using your eyes in your head. I know that for me it sometimes helps to get out of my head and my continous thoughts, and this can be a way to connect to guidance that is not based on my grief and sadness. Take care in your journey. Meg

Thanks guys.

Yesterday was my day off and i had a pretty good day at home. I had a massive cry. Which i think is good because i let some of what i was feeling out. Also i started working on Katelyn's photo album and am very happy to say that i think i am doing a very good job of it so far. It is going to take me a while to finish though. Sticking on little hearts one at a time takes awhile.

As for AF it has finally disappeared. Yay!.

Still stressing about conceiving again. I dont even know why. As one doc said to me "My plumbing works" so that is my mantra when i am stressed. Amazingly it does calm me down a little.

Meg - It must be so hard having that woman at work. That would seriously be it for me i would have to leave. I wouldnt be able to stand it. I think that you are very brave to be able to get through that with a positive outlook.

Hope that you are all doing well today.

Love Sarah

Hey Sarah,

Glad to hear that AF has finally left you! And that's great that you were able to have a day off yesterday and let all of your feelings out.

Unfortunately, after a loss I think that quite often there is something to stress about in regards to conceiving again. I think part of it is not knowing what is going to happen in the future, and it is all of the unknowns that play on your mind in a situation like this.

Keep taking good care of yourself :hugs:

Hi Angel,

I dropped my work down to 4 days a week after Katelyn died. I just couldnt cope with working 5 days (not that i tried it but just knew i couldnt).

I know that it is common to stress about conceiving again. After all if nothing had gone wrong in our lives we wouldnt be in this position. I just wish someone could tell me my future so i could just relax. I am stressing so much about everything that i am then worrying about throwing my cycle out. But then at the same time if i listen to my head i know i will get pregnant again one day after all we did conceive Katelyn pretty easily.

Anyway thats my little rant for today.

How are you going?

Thanks

Sarah

Hi Sarah,

Yep, if only someone could give you a guarantee that everything will be okay in the future. I've often wished that! Not that I think I would believe them LOL, but all the same, it would be nice LOL. And just because it is common to worry after a loss, it doesn't make it any less stressful tho huh. And IKWYM about stressing about stressing so much!! LOL. It's a vicious circle.

I'm going okay :) Just hanging about, waiting for my next OB appt on the 21st to see what's causing my high ANA levels and what's going on with my thyroid gland.

Hi again Angel,

Did you end up going to your OB this week for your test results? Is this where the high ANA levels come from? If so what impact does that have on you?

Maybe i have this wrong but i thought that you were going this week? Did it get resceduled to the 21st?

Im going to my OB on the 22nd - Hopefully we will have good notes to compare.

Love Sarah

Hey Sarah,

Yep, I did have an OB appt on Monday. I found out that I have high levels of antinuclear antibodies, and also that I have a slightly overactive thyroid. The OB ordered some follow up tests, so we'll get those results on the 21st. ATM we're unsure as to if I have an autoimmune disease (such as Lupus) which is causing the high ANA levels, but the ANAs seem to cause inflammation around implantation and clotting in the placenta which could be the cause of my m/c's. The OB said I will have to take aspirin next pg.

Good luck for your OB appt on the 22nd! Hopefully you will be able to get a good plan of action going!

Hi Angel,

Im not really sure what to say.

It is good that they have identified something that can be treated.

It is better than going into the next pregnancy without this information BUT i know how disheartening getting a test result for something that is causing your babies to die is heartrenching.

I said when i first found out that i had FVL that i would rather not have known what had happened to Katelyn. Now though i am glad that i know because the outlook for my next babies are that of any normal person with the right treatment. That is something to be thankful for.

Also i know i felt angry at the time (i think i have said this to you before) about it being just Aspirin that could have saved Katelyn. I guess it might have made it a bit easier to deal with if it was a drug that actually has to be prescribed (such as heparin).

Anyway i hope that you are feeling ok with everything.

Let me know how you are going.

I didnt get much sleep last night. Couldnt sleep so i got up and worked on Katelyn's album until midnight and then back to bed to toss and turn until about 3 i finally got to sleep. Just couldnt stop thinking about her. I know i have said this before but i will say it again - I MISS HER.

On the brighter side my aunty send me a little cross stitch that she had made for Katelyn with her name and year and a little old fashioned pram on it. It is such a nice thought.

Love Sarah

Well i have had a horrible weekend.

I asked my mum and dad not to tell anyone about the FVL yet. There are a few reasons behind this. Firstly I feel really terrible that it was my body that killed my precious baby. Secondly i feel like a bit of a freak that i have this thing wrong with me. Thirdly I want people around me to remain positive about how another pregnancy is going to progress hence i have only told you guys and the two people i have helping me with my grief (i didnt know them before Katelyn was born).

So anyway my mum rang me on the weekend and said "i hope you dont have a problem with this but i have told your grandad". At first i didnt have a problem with it but after a few minutes of thinking about it (after we had got off the phone) i felt very upset and angry. Why would she do this. Anyway after a sleepless night and lots of tears and frustrations i rang her the next morning and asked her if she had told anyone else. Well she has told my aunty aswell. She appologised and said that she knew that she was being selfish. That doesnt make anything better for me. I got angry and hungup the phone. I left the phone off the hook and went for a walk, 1 and a half hours that is how long it took me to calm down.

I cant understand why she would do this to me. Its my personal information she has asked me several times what i wanted to do about it and i have always made it clear that i didnt want people to know.

Anyway sorry for the ranting but i am so upset and hurt by this. I have enough to deal with other than this on top of it. I feel terrible. My dad came over and tried to make me feel better about it by saying mum was in the wrong etc etc. Doesnt she think i want to tell people when they say well there must have been something wrong with the baby it is for the best. I have lied to my husbands whole family (so that they dont have to have this stress through another pregnancy - you should have seen the fear on my MIL's face when i said that we had to see a specialist). That is the other thing. If anyone deserves to know it is my husbands parents it was their grandchild too.

Why does everything have to be so hard? She is the person who should support me the most because of what she has been through but all she has done is hurt me.

Hi Sarah

Families can do funny things at times. Maybe she thought that she might be helping you if people knew but at the end of the day that was up to you both to tell people.

I hope that this week will be a bit better for you.

Oh Sarah,

You poor thing. I can totally understand why you are so upset. In the greater scheme of things this probably means nothing, but it seems to be those that are closest to you always hurt you the most! You know they love you and care about you and always want the best for you, but they can also do some of the most hurtful things too. Perhaps she felt that by telling those other couple of people, she was opening up a greater support network for you? But as you say, there are other people who deserve to know such as your IL's so there is that aspect to consider as well.

I think the reasons for you wanting to keep this to yourself are totally valid. After I had my 2nd m/c I didn't want anybody to know about it either, but more people found out about it than what I would have liked and as a result I have suffered some negative responses when those people have learnt of this PG. Even those who knew about the 1st m/c alone have successfully forced negative vibes and opinions on to me about the PG and seem to assume also that something 'might' be wrong or 'could' go wrong which really don't help when you're petrified enough as it is. So I really can totally understand and appreciate why you want to keep this information private. I should also say that some of the people that found out about the 2nd m/c were not people we told personally or wanted to know....but they found out by people we did trust with the information, telling them. So I do understand what you mean.

It was nice of your Dad to come over, but sadly nothing he can say can really undo the hurt you've been caused by this. It's not like the words your Mum said to those other family members can magically be erased. It might take you a little while to come to terms with what she did and to make some sense of it, but hopefully in time you will as it can be harder on you emotionally in the long run to hold it against her IYKWIM. It's tiring enough just grieving right now huh? Do you trust the people she told to keep the information to themselves? Do you think it might pay to talk to them yourselves and explain that you didn't actually want the information passed on to them and explain why, and ask them to please respect your wishes by not discussing the situation with anybody else? Sorry if any of this is coming across wrong, as I'm just kind of letting it all flow from my mind and out into this post! I just want to try and perhaps give you some suggestions as to what you can do now since you can't undo what's happened IYKWIM?

Hey guys,

Thanks for the support. I honestly dont know what i would do without all of you.

Pregnancy and Loss are such private issues. Like you said Tootie it hurts when people find out your personal health info when it hurts you so much just to get through everyday.

Tootie - Im sorry that some people showed you negative responses to this pregnancy, they have no right. This is your life and the people who love you should support you in whatever choice you make in this life. And look at you (give your tummy a rub for me) you are about to have a healthy baby - that is fantastic.

I have been wondering how you both are going so thanks for trying to cheer me up.

Love Sarah

Hi Sarah,
Hope that you are going ok, I know it can be upsetting when someone else tells news that you wanted to keep quiet or to tell yourself. Was your Mum maybe looking for someone else to be able to talk to by telling your aunty? Not that that in any way excuses her for what she did but maybe she is having a hard time coping too. I can totally understand where you are coming from on the trying to relieve stress on people for next time around. I feel like that constantly & I know that my MIL will stress her head off when we are PG next. She was bad enough when I was PG with Alex after we had a premature birth with James, who knows what she'll be like when we are PG again!
Have you spoken to your Mum again about how much it hurt you when she did what she did?
Feeling that your body let you down is a big thing for me too, & I'm really scared about trying to have another baby. Guess I am a bit in the mind set that I had trouble going to term with James (he was born at 32wks after my waters broke at 31wks) & then with what happened to Alex, that maybe my body won't be able to manage a PG to term. But guess we'll have to wait & see on that one.
Anyway take care of yourself,

Hey Sarah,

You are 100% right - pregnancy and loss are very private and personal issues. In fact, as is any issue really, i.e. you have the right to have your wishes and privacy respected. Other people may not necessarily understand or agree and that's fine - everyone has the right to their own opinion. At the end of the day only you can decide what is best for you and it does hurt when somebody else passes judgement or doesn't respect your wishes, particularly when it is somebody that is close to you, and that you hold very high expectations of IYKWIM?

It has been very hurtful to me the things that some people have said to me during this PG. A lot of people that know about the m/c's (or at least one of them) tend to be very dismissive of my feelings, i.e. they can't understand why I live in constant fear and am so anxious. It hurts that people can't just accept that (a) I am naturally an anxious person and (b) that having suffered a loss, it is only understandable to have concerns and fears. Some people also tend to be overly negative, either in things they say directly, or indirectly IYKWIM. Either way is just as hurtful and certainly doesn't help how I feel. All in all it's a very hard time and you do need support as you say. That's why these forums are great because there are people out there who do understand, even when there are people IRL who don't!

Anyway, enough about me......I've prattled on a bit there LOL. As you can see it's obviously a very sensitive issue and I really appreciate having an outlet such as BB!

Hi Tootie,

Can i just say thanks again for being there for me.

I cant believe that people would say negative things to you during a new pregnancy. I mean i believe you,i just cant understand why people are so hurtful. I totally understand that this is a big issue for you. You need all the support you get from the minute that you find out that your baby has passed away right through TTC and onto a whole new pregnancy. I wish i was still pregnant with Katelyn because i would only be 2 weeks behind you in pregnancy terms.

Anyway hope you have a good day and the anxiety isnt getting to much. I am here for you too if i can help in anyway just ask.

Sarah

Sarah,

It's absolutely my pleasure. If I can help in just a teensy tiny little way, then I'm happy.

I don't understand why people are so hurtful either....it's been really hard for me to bite my tongue on occasions as well, but I've figured that the sooner I can just remove myself from the situation the better, so I usually try to cut conversations extremely short where people start to say inappropriate things!!

The anxiety levels are pretty high, but I'm trying to deal with it the best that I can - thanks so much for asking after me, it's lovely that you did and it's nice to know that other people are thinking of you!

I hope that the remainder of the week is much better for you.

Hey Sarah,

I hope you are feeling a bit better now. It's no wonder you were upset and hurt about your Mum telling your rellies about the FVL. You haven't even had time to cope with everything yourself, so I imagine it just makes you even more stressed worried about what other people are saying or thinking.

Thinking of you :hugs:

Thanks Angel,

I am feeling a bit better now that i have typed my feelings out IYKWIM.

I think what worries me the most is that people will assume that because i have this i am not going to be able to have kids.

I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY TO TAKE HOME AND LOVE - I am feeling very positive about that. BUT i cant feel very positive if other people know and bring me down.

Anyway i have said enough about that.

How are you?

Sarah

Hey Sarah,

Have you had a chat since to your Grandad or your Aunty? I hope that they will be very supportive of you now that they know. It's times like these that you need the support of those closest to you. It's sad that sometimes people unthinkingly say hurtful things, like assuming your won't be able to have children because of the FVL. I really hope that you don't have to deal with people who say stuff like that, and I hope that you have a baby safe in your arms very soon!

Nothing much new with me just yet, but I think some of my undealt with emotions from the m/c are coming out in some rather freaky dreams LOL.

Hi Angel,

Sorry to hear about the bad dreams but i totally know what you mean. Last night i had this dream that there were two things at the bottom of the ocean that i was trying to save. I dived down and pulled them up at the same time and one was my grandad. He was lying in my arms (you know as if i was a lifesaver) and he looked exactly how he looked in his coffin (hat and all) all of a sudden he opened his eyes and i was crying and saying dont you leave me now grandad. Then Rowan came in and work me up before the dream got any further but i guess the other person i was trying to save had to be Katelyn i just didnt get to see it or couldnt let myself see it. The whole water thing might have something to do with watching 60 minutes on the titanic last night LOL.

I hope that you dreams are good ones. Not that mine was good. Do you want to talk to me about your feelings? I am more than willing to lend and ear if you need it. I want to try and support everyone as much as they are supporting me.

I havent spoken to my grandad or my aunty i guess i am a bit embarressed about having FVL. I dont really want to talk about with anyone hence the whole not telling thing. Im sure that they think everything will probably be fine it just wont be easy for me. Which is true i guess.

Oh well - Another day another tear.

Love Sarah

Sarah, hope you are doing OK, sounds like you have been having a really rough time. I am a bit of a vivid dreamer too and it is horrible when they are quite traumatic. I guess for me though, they can sometimes give me a message to move on something, or make me more aware of something in my life. I hope something good can come out of it for you.

Sounds like your mum and my mum should get together. My mum has told so many people about what is going on for us. She thinks that that is OK b/c being my mother, she is going through grief too, for me and for the loss of a grandchild. I do acknowledge that, and I know it is her way of coping, but it can be a little difficult. I doesn't worry me alot in the sense that I think that the more m/c is talked about the less stigma will be attached to it, it is something that does happen, it is nobody's fault, none of us wanted this to happen, it just does. I know that many people don't feel like that and you have to work out for yourself who you do and don't want to know, and for your mum to respect your decisions re that. For me that I know that having something wrong in a sense made it better, it was explainable, and I think my mum totally grabbed onto that, she loves a diagnosis that she can tell people about. I think it has also made it a little easier as, as with your case, it is treatable and I really emphasise that, so there is no reason why you and I can't have a healthy pregnancy and hold a healthy baby in our arms. I think b/c there is a treatment it makes things more positive, rather than negative. I wonder if you focus on the treatment with your rellies now that they know, they will be positive about your prospects. I think that by them knowing, perhaps they will be better able to support you??

I know that I too went through a stage of blaming myself, hating my body for letting me down, and that I killed our babies, and it was an awful way for them to die, to not have enough blood flow and to be unable to grow. I know this sounds harsh, but I really did feel that. I think these feelings just pass with time, as I feel fine with my body, and whilst I am still scared and do have a greater chance of complications, I can make it.

We will get there, if not just sheer determination, and with the right treatment we do have good prospects. We will have our babies! It sounds like you relly believe that which is fantastic. Don't let anyone shake your faith in yourself and your destiny. Take care and hope tomorrow is easier for you.

Hey Sarah,

Sorry that you are having issues with your Mum telling people. I'm sure she means well, but I understand that you don't want her to spill things you aren't ready to share.
I hope that you and her patch things up. It's so hard to not take peoples negative attitudes to heart, but I hope that you are able to create a positive atmosphere for yourself and your next pg.

Angel...I hope your dreams aren't too freaky. I know for me, the few seconds it took to realise it was a dream were almost as bad as the nasty dreams. :hugs: and I hope they don't keep reappearing. Things will work out, especially now you are closer to getting some answers. Have you had any more contact from the morons at the hospital?? I wanted to ask yesterday, but i wasn't sure you'd be comfortable talking about it and I didn't want to upset you.

I'm with you in the sheer determination thinking, Meg. IT WILL HAPPEN!!!!! I won't accept that we will never have a baby of our own.

Hi Sarah

Hope you are feeling a bit better. I can certainly understand why you would be upset about having something so personal shared against your wishes. I won’t speak for you, but I can imagine that it would be difficult enough to come to terms with the FVL on top of the loss of Katelyn without having to worry about what other people are saying and thinking as well. You just don’t need any extra burdens to deal with at the moment, I’m sure. Hopefully now that more of your family do know, they will have some understanding of the anxiety you will be feeling during any future PG’s and will be able to support you through it. It might have even given them some insight to what you are going through and dealing with at the moment. I know that doesn’t make up for the way they found out but hopefully, rather than bringing you down during your next PG as you fear, they will be a bit more sensitive to the issues you will be facing.

I know it’s easy for me to say, but I’m sure that no one would be judging you or thinking that the FVL is something for you to be embarrassed about. While it’s frustrating and heartbreaking that your body hasn’t worked the way it was supposed to, I’m sure you would have done anything in your power to save little Katelyn had you known what was happening. Your love for her shows through in your posts and if I can see that through a computer, I’ll bet that anyone who knows you would see it too and would believe the same thing. As I said though, I know it’s easy for me to say and I certainly don’t want to tell you how to feel.

Anyway, I hope you are doing ok. Am thinking of you and sending you :hugs:

Hi Sarah,

Your dream actually sounds a bit similar to one of mine, in that we were both trying to save people. In my dream 2 people died. I couldn't see the first person, but the 2nd one was my DH, and I tried to do everything I could to save them (CPR, mouth to mouth etc) but nothing would work. I felt quite distressed when I woke up actually. I think my dreams lately relate back to my miscarriages a lot, feeling that I should have been able to save my babies somehow.

I guess it'll take time for us to come to terms with our losses, and dreams are just one of the ways that our minds work through the grief. Maybe there is something to the whole saving people thing, as we both had quite similar dreams it seems.

Hope you are having a better day today.

Zola, the dream I had last night was that one of my cats 'stole' my pg and gave birth to my baby as a kitten (and I was even trying to feed it LOL) so I was pretty sure straight away that it had been a dream LOL. But yeah, some of them, where you dream that you have a baby in your arms can be pretty distressing when you wake up and realise that it's not real. I haven't heard from the hospital again yet. I sent them another letter last week, so maybe I'll hear back in another week or so. I'll let you know how it goes :)