Baby Lost - Heart Broken (Factor V Leiden responsible)

Hey everyone,

Thanks for the support - I dont know what i would do without you all - Probably go insane i guess. Its amazing how supportive we can be to each other.

Meg - LOL about our mum's. That made me laugh im sorry that your mum has hurt you too. I know they dont mean it. I think about how much i love Katelyn and that my mum loves me that much then she wouldnt mean to hurt me. KWIM? Thanks for being so positive about everything you really "picked me up" when i needed it.

Zola - Firstly, how are you feeling? Have you got rid of the dreaded lurgy? Hope you are feeling better. Thanks im sure that we will patch things up - we are really very close she just gets on my nerves sometimes you know. But i am sure that's normal.

Becc - It took me a long time before i could post to someone else (because i was feeling so low myself i didnt think i could help anyone). You did a great job. Thanks for caring about me because i know how hard it is for all of us at the moment. I read what you wrote about going for a walk in your other post. That was the thing that the chaplin from the hospital basically forced me to do. And i have found that it really helped. I get up early (far too early) and walk my husband to his parents for work, that way we get in about 25/30 mins together before we start our days which is really really nice. Then i keep walking for about another 40 minutes. Just around the houses etc where we live. It is quite bushy and i saw two small kangaroos sitting as i walked past the other day. I stopped and looked at them for awhile. They were so beautiful and peaceful and only about 2 meters away. There are also lots of ducks around and i really like it. It helps me to put my head into order for the day. And it also forces me out of the safe haven that my house has become. Hope you are having a good day too.

Angel - Isnt it funny about our dreams it must be about saving people that we couldnt no matter what we did. With my grandad we had to turn off life support and they tried for ages before that to keep him here. One of the books that i have on pregnancy loss said about saying goodbye gradually is our way of protecting ourselves because we cant face it all in one go. Last week i had a huge cry (i mean huge) and its funny that you can be so distressed and then feel better because i let everything out. It didnt take away the hurt and sadness but it did make me feel a bit more at peace with everything (which was then destroyed by my weekend). I hope that you are ok.

On a side note my mum just gave me a letter saying how sorry she is and how much she loves me. At least i am lucky that i have my mum here at all.

Thanks again you guys have made me see that maybe people knowing isnt such a bad thing after all. I still dont want them to know but what's done is done. Hope you are all going well today.

Lots of Love Sarah

Hi Sarah,

Glad to hear you are feeling better. I’m doing ok too. I find that I tend to go through stages. I generally just plod along, dealing with things on a day to day basis but every now and then I hit a bump along the way. I usually work my way through the bumps and move on. I hit a big bump a couple of weeks ago though and found it pretty hard to get over. I think it was brought on by a few things. I pretty much lost it on Mother’s Day and struggled to cope for a few days after that. Then we hit the three month mark since Georgia’s death which threw me also. Then we started the process of buying our first home. That in itself is a good thing, but I think the prospect of all the change and the fact that I had to make major decisions was playing on my mind a bit. (I’m not particularly good with big decisions at the moment). I think that I have managed to come to terms with things though and have made it over this particular bump – back to taking things one day at a time.

Does any of that make sense?! I’ve just read back what I have typed and while I know what I’m trying to say, I’m not sure anyone else will!

I agree with you about the walking. I have always enjoyed walking for exercise, but found it a bit hard in the early days after losing Georgia to make myself go outside. I’m back into it now though. I get out for a walk every day and find that just being out in the fresh air helps me. Like I said in another post, we live near a bay and I find walking along the water very peaceful. Whereas before I had trouble leaving the house, now I feel a bit claustrophobic if I stay inside all day. I suppose that is a good thing, just another step in moving on.

Hope your day is going well, chat again soon.

Hey Becc,

I know what you are trying to say. I must say that you sound better than me at the moment - which is a good thing!

I know what you mean about mothers day aswell. I think that will always be a hard one no matter how many other kids we have. Im coming up to the three mark at the moment (28th of March was the day Katelyn was born). Then her due date is the 25th of August and that is going to be really really tough. Im not sure if you know but we are trying to conceive again now. Hopefully by the time Katelyn's due date comes around we will be growing her little brother or sister. Well i really hope so anyway. It might make things a bit easier to deal with.

It is really good news about you buying your first home that is very exciting. We live on a bay too. Although it is pretty big. Sometimes i go down to the water to walk on weekends. It is only about 5 mins drive but at the moment i dont like bumping into people who knew that i was pregnant. I am sure that you understand that.

Well hope you are having a good day.

Sarah

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Becc and Sarah - what you both have said in your posts made complete sense. Honestly, it is very hard to make decisions when you have suffered a loss and are grieving. It's difficult to make a decision about what to have for dinner, let alone anything else. Everything feels like a major hurdle and like it's simply too hard. Anniversaries are also very tough times and there is more than just 1 - the first is generally the hardest however, but there are EDD's, Christmas, Mothers Day, Fathers Day and any other special occasions that you celebrate. They are all a reminder that there is someone not there that should be IYKWIM?

My DH too had to do a lot of explaining to people and it was emotionally very draining on him, and in the end he seemed to just go into auto-pilot where he'd say exactly the same thing to everybody and that would be it. I don't blame him for doing that either because I can't imagine what it must have been like for him reliving it time and time again. It was hard enough for me to just hear him doing it IYKWIM!

Hi Tootie,

You made me laugh about the whole what have for tea thing. That is so me!!!!!

Thanks for the reassurance though. Like i have said before it helps to know that you are "normal".

Cheers

Sarah

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Hey guys,

Normally I would always decide what we would be having for tea but I seriously couldn't do it anymore and poor DH had to start making those decisions and cooking it as well. He normally helps out with preparing dinner when he's at home from work but generally is only in charge of cooking certain things which I'm crap at LOL (he's great at cooking steak!). So the poor thing was coming home from work and having to make a decision on what to have, preparing it and cooking it. It really helped though because otherwise I probably wouldn't have eaten at the time!!

Hi all

This is a bit sensitive but i wanted to ask your opinion on something.

I was talking to my contact from SIDS and KIDS yesterday on the phone. I was saying that i think that i am dealing with everything ok (well the best that i can) but the only thing that i thought that i have a problem with is talking to and seeing people. I feel like i dont want to talk to any of my friends or family, i feel reasonable happy if i am on my own or with Rowan . I know that this sounds bad but i guess it is just a way of protecting myself. I know that it is bad but i am trying to work on it but it is so hard. Anyway Jacki said that it sounds like i have a bit of depression. I know that my docs were talking between themselves about keeping an eye out for postnatal depression after Katelyn was born but none of them have mentioned anything to me. I also want to say that i get out of the house. I have been walking at least 1 hour everyday and on the weekends i like to go to the movies with my hubby, i can laugh and smile about some things but the sadness is always there. We live in a pretty small town so we go to the nearest city to do some shopping (and the movies) and we usually run into people. Its just that i dont feel like dealing with other people i am just happy being with Rowan on my own whether we are at home or out. Its just that she has got me worried that maybe i am not handling this the best possible way? Any suggestions or comments?????

I kind of just think that this whole thing is so huge for me at the moment. With deciding on the treatment, worrying about the needles, worrying about getting pregnant again, worrying that because last AF was around for longer than usual that my hormones are out of wack, worrying about what to do about my mum's actions, worrying that another baby will make it, worrying about what my dad's test results say. I guess that there is alot on my mind at the moment.

Thanks guys

Sarah

Hi Sarah,

I think it's hard to say as people react/cope with grief in so many different ways, but it is possible that you have a bit of depression. You've gone through so much lately so it's no wonder that you may not be coping so well. Perhaps you could talk to your SIDS and KIDS contact about seeing a counsellor? They can really help you sort out your emotions, and will be able to help whether or not you are suffering from depression. Often it helps just to have a professional to chat to about things.

I hope your Dad's test results come back okay. :hugs:

Hey Sarah,

After my first m/c, I too found it too hard to interact with people - it felt too hard. It was upsetting to see people with babies or who were PG, but I just felt that I didn't have the strength to have an 'ordinary' conversation with people at the time. I really put it down to being in the thick of grief. Grief does a variety of things to people and I think that a lot of the time it's a natural thing to retreat into your own world for a while - kind of like an animal licking it's own wounds IYKWIM? Sometimes you need to spend a bit of time on your own in order to come to terms with what you have been through. In the long term, it's not good if you still feel that you can't interact with people though.

I can tell you that I have been a long term sufferer of depression and it is positively awful. Can I ask what your gut feel is on the situation? What is your heart telling you? If you really feel deep within yourself that you simply aren't coping, then of course you should seek help. If you feel that you are coping and can find some enjoyment and happiness in things (like going to the movies with Rowan as you said) but of course are still feeling an immense sense of loss, then perhaps it is grief as opposed to depression. It's always best to err on the side of caution with depression however and I think it's fantastic that you have people around you who are aware of this issue. You will probably be the best judge as to how you really feel about this issue at the end of the day, but I think at this stage you are handling yourself incredibly well - you're getting out of the house and exercising (which is particularly great as it helps clear the mind and it's definitely something that is good for you if you suffer depression) as opposed to locking yourself away from the world entirely.

Don't worry that you aren't handling yourself in the best possible way - if you feel that you need some space and time to yourself or just with Rowan right now, then that's exactly what you should do. Getting out of the house however as you say to go for walks is fantastic and I highly recommend that you keep it up. I guess what I'm suggesting is that in the long term it's not good if you feel that you can't converse with people, but right now, you need to look after yourself and it's only natural when you're grieving to retreat a little bit. If you start to find yourself not wanting to leave the house at all - not to go for a walk, not to do the grocery shopping or you just find yourself feeling lower and lower, then you really should seek help as it may well be depression. There can be a very fine line and I can't emphasise enough that if you feel within yourself that you are depressed, that you should talk to somebody about it as it's better to address it now rather than let it progress to a point where it's even harder IYKWIM? I'm not sure if any of this has helped at all - at the end of the day yes, it could be that you are depressed, or it could be part of your grieving process and perhaps sitting down and thinking about how you really feel within yourself, and perhaps talking to Rowan a bit about it may help you figure out the best step to take next.

Hi Tootie,

Thanks for that. I am sorry that you have had a long stuggle with depression. So has my mum which makes it scary for me i think.

Until yesterday and Jacki said that she thought she should keep an eye on me i thought i was doing ok. Like i said i am enjoying some things about my life. I still love my husband and enjoy his company. We do talk about things other than Katelyn but its just that i dont have much else to talk about at the moment because this is my whole world. We do talk about work and other things though.

The way i looked at it before yesterday was that i knew that it wasnt good that i didnt want to see people but to be honest i didnt really focus on it because i am happy to be at home or go out with Rowan, it is more relaxing for me in this environment. I think it is more of a safety issue and i dont want to deal with other peoples grief reactions to what has happened. If i dont let other people in they cant hurt me IYKWIM so i have created a barrier without realising or wanting that to happen. People can be cruel and i have had enough bad remarks to not want to experience anymore.

I really feel "ok" most of the time. I do feel like i am coping pretty well considering what i have been through. Katelyn's birth was extremely traumatic. I also think that one day soon i will kind of give myself permission to be fully happy again a little bit at a time. I guess i have lost Katelyn who was so important that i kind of feel like i should be grieving for her. She shouldnt even be born yet. I also feel that when i get pregnant with a new baby i will have something happy to focus on in my future which will help me to interact with people again. I am ok at work, i say hello and goodbye to the other staff and i can discuss work things quite well when the need is there. I can talk to clients as if nothing has happened. Even yesterday we had a tradesman come over to our house and he asked me when i was going to give my dad some grandkids and i managed to tell him very briefly that we had just lost Katelyn but i didnt cry or anything, i thought i handled it pretty well i acknowledged her existence but managed to keep it all together. Im not on the verge of tears all the time, i can think about Katelyn and not feel absolute despair over whats happened to her, i think that i am starting to accept that this has happened and i will feel this way about her for the rest of my life. I can cry at the drop of a hat if i need or want to but im not that way all day everyday. But i feel that it is very hard to concentrate on work when i have access to this site etc.

I do smile and laugh but there is a sadness in my heart for Katelyn but i think that will always be there.

It scares me that other people think that i am depressed though, it kind of makes you doubt yourself.

I dont know if i am describing myself very well here but i just think that i miss my daughter but i am ok.

Hey Sarah,

You have described yourself very well indeed. That's always a very positive sign as well as things can often become rather hazy when you're feeling a bit depressed and it can be very hard to accurately describe how you truly feel. You sound as though you are very in touch with your feelings and emotions which is great.

You are right, people can be cruel. I understand the need to try and protect yourself a little bit right now and that's fine. I think where you do that in the longer term it can be detrimental however because it can be an indication that you're perhaps not doing quite so well. Quite often other people notice things about the way that you react and respond to situations and you didn't realise yourself how you were behaving, that's why I suggested perhaps talking to Rowan about it as he can perhaps shed some light on it for you. Sometimes other people can sense things aren't right, but you yourself continue to plug away and ignore the issues. It doesn't sound to me like you are ignoring anything though as I can tell that you are doing what you can to continue on your grieving journey and to do what you need to do IYKWIM.

Try not to doubt yourself despite the suggestion being made to you about depression - it's great that there are people out there looking out for you and raising this issue as it's just so important and there can be a very fine line between grief and depression sometimes as I said in my last post. I can see what you mean however that it has made you doubt yourself and that you feel that perhaps you're not coping as you should, but try not to look at it that way, i.e. try to look at it as Jacki looking out for you and opening the door for discussion on the issue with her further if you feel that you are progressing down that path. In any event, it's good to know that you can speak to her about this if you need to because it can be a pretty big step to admit to feeling depressed, but it can be made a bit easier if someone else has already approached you about it IYKWIM?

Thanks Tootie

I think i just need to trust my own instinct.

I definately feel that i want to see everyone again soon just not yet.

Hopefully we will get pregnant again this month. I would be very excitied and happy if that happened. Well im going to be happy either way (just disappointed) because i have a wonderful husband and lots to be thankful for in my life.

I will not rely on a new baby to make me happy but at least it will give me a brighter future. Im sure you understand what i mean.

Love Sarah

Hey Sarah,

Yeah, trust your own instincts for now and see how you go. You can always come in here and have a bit more of a chat about things whenever you feel like it as you know. As I said before, it sounds like you're very in touch with your emotions and that's a really great thing.

I'll keep all digits crossed that a wonderful new life comes to you and Rowan very soon and brings you the happiness you both long for and deserve!!

Hey Tootie,

Thanks for the whole finger crossing thing!!!

I had a talk to Rowan last night about all this. We had talked about it the night before but anyway. So he just says that firstly i need to take ALL of my behaviour into account - not just the thing that i know i am not doing too well at, he said that i also need to think about the things that i am doing well with - like going to the movies and keeping the house running well with dinners etc. He says that i have been through such a lot of trauma in the last couple of months and i kind of need to give myself a break. I guess after people started saying i was depressed i got even more down on myself.

Also i was listening to Katelyn's song last night (the one that we played at her funeral) and i was crying and my mobile rang. It was one of Rowan's mates and i was able to switch off from Katelyn and talk to him pretty well. So i guess that is a good sign. Im more than happy to talk to people if they ring me its just hard to pick up the phone.

So i am feeling alot happier today. I know in my heart that i am going to get through this and be alright. I just have to work on a few things more thats all. Sounds very positive (well i hope it does because thats how i feel today).

Rowan also told me that i shouldnt rule out this cycle for a new baby because i dont really know what is going on. It could have been last cycle that was stuffed and this one could be normal......who knows all i can do is keep bd'ing and wait and see!!

Hope you are doing well and not getting too uncomfortable. Not long for you now!

Love Sarah

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Hey Becc,

Thanks for your thoughts and no you are not too late. I am always willing to listen to whatever advice others can offer.

Even though it is so sad and you never want another person to feel like this it is so nice to know that you are not abnormal. I think that is how i cope with things. I just think well i feel that way and that is how hundreds of other people have felt so it is ok i just try to accept my feelings for what they are at that particular time.

Going back to work was extremely difficult. Can i share with you my experience of it?

Well let me set the scene - i work in a small office with 11 staff. I am pretty close with most of the girls and they had been asking me quite alot about what it was like to be pregnant etc. They were always asking after me which is nice. A couple of days before we found out that Katelyn had died a few of us were looking at the pregnancy photos that i had taken (you know the same time every couple of weeks so i could see how much my belly had grown). There was one photo of Rowan and i that we took on the day we found out we were expecting. We just look so happy. Anyway that is slightly off track. Just trying to let you know what sort of relationship that we have. So because i also work with my mum and dad they had told everyone at the monday meeting after i Katelyn was born on the Sunday. I really didnt want anyone to know because it hurt too much but they had to know why i wasnt at work as i had left suddenly on friday (to go to the doctors for my appointment and not come back that day). Mum and Dad said that they just had their heads down but most of the girls had a tear etc. Well it took me 3 weeks to go in. I couldnt face everyone individually but one of the girls was leaving so i wanted to say goodbye to her. On the day that she left they had drinks after work so i just went in said hi to everyone and plonked myself down on the chair. That was honestly the hardest part and i took a deep breath before i did it. They could all see me sitting in the car anyway so i couldnt wimp out! The girl who was leaving, we talked about Katelyn a bit, i used to sit next to her so she was very upset. And another said that it will get easier (she has no kids by the way!!). I felt upset afterwards but at least i had done it - it was another thing out the way. Anyway i went back to work part time for a week (i just went in when i wanted to). I was there at starting time but left about 2 in the arvo when it just got too much. Then the next two weeks i was in canberra for a conference with my dad and then on holidays in Sydney and Melbourne for a week after that (DH flew over). We had already had that planned so we just continued but god it was so hard to leave her ashes behind for so long. Anyway going back to work again (6 weeks since Katelyn was born) was still hard but it has got much easier and i am definately back into the swing of things now. It is easy at work now. That is far too long sorry. All i was trying to say is that it was really hard at first but before you know it a few weeks have gone by and it is much better. Although i am on this site all the time to get me through the day!

Probably the only tips that helped me was greating everyone at the same time so you dont have to make the small talk (keeping in mind it was only 3 weeks after she had died) and getting in early so people have to greet you not the other way around.

The way that everyone dealt with it i found hard though. They basically didnt talk to me and kind of acted like i wasnt there. I know that they care i think they just thought that i looked so sad (and was on the verge of tears most of the time) that they didnt want to upset me anymore and they didnt know what to say anyway. It hurt that they reacted that way because i really wanted to talk about Katelyn at that point but i understand why they did it. They have all kind of relaxed now and treating me normally but i did feel like i had the plague for awhile.

Well i hope that you are going well, do you have the sort of job that allows you to be flexible with your hours? The thing that i found hard was writing in my diary and completing dates in spreadsheets after the time that i would have been finishing work and being with Katelyn. I didnt really think about this much before hand, it still gets me but i am getting there.

Love Sarah

Sarah - what Rowan said about paying attention to things you are doing well at as opposed to those you aren't is a good point. It's always good to pinpoint those things that you are succeeding at as it does make you feel much better. It's nice to hear you sounding positive - I know times right now are very up and down, but when you have a good day and are feeling more positive about things, it really does make a difference! I am glad that you are feeling better about work too. It's hard when people around you don't know what to say and even worse can't look you in the eye (I found that really hard) because you feel the need to talk about your loss, but at the same time I used to struggle to find the words if someone did say something to me....probably more because they would just say 'oh well, it was natures way' - very silly comments! If they thought about it, I'm sure they'd realise and I know that most of them really didn't mean anything by it. It certainly doesn't make your loss any less to hear these kind of comments!

Becc - you made a very important point when you said 'how could the world go on as normal' - that's how I felt too. I just couldn't understand and I'd literally shake my head as if to say 'it's just all wrong' - people going to work, going about their business and there I was feeling totally shattered. And you are right when you say that everybody grieves differently - there is no right way or wrong way, the most important thing is that you DO grieve. I'm glad you came in to share your thoughts on this because it's really imporant to reinforce these very important issues.

Hi Guys

I have been thinking about the "whole world goes on" concept.

I think that is why i dont really want to talk much to other people. The stuff that they have to say and the things that they ***** about just seem so petty and unimportant now. I dont mean to say that i dont care how my friends and family are feeling but my world collapsed the day that we found out that Katelyn had died and they continue to be like "im so tired or so and so said this and it got back to me" sometimes i just feel like saying - Do you think in a years time these things that you are going on about are going to matter. That sounds a bit cruel i guess.

Becc - I definately know what the us against the world feeling is. Rowan and i had that too, that is a good way of describing it. He took a week and a half off work (which is huge because he is self employed with his dad as a partner that doesnt believe in taking a day off for anything) and we just did what we had to do for that time. It was great to have the support of each other to face whatever it was that came our way - like doctors appointments and friends coming over etc. Also when you said you have nothing to say to other people. That is exactly how i feel. The only thing that matters to me at the moment is still Katelyn and i find it a little difficult sometimes to make normal (ie non meaningful) conversation but i am getting better. I hope that when i talked about my experience of going back to work before didnt add to your fears i just wanted to let you know that for me it wasnt all smooth sailing but i got there and everything is very back to normal.

Tootie - Thanks again for your excellent support and great advice as always. By the way whoever invented the "its natures way" comment should be shot. I get really angry when insensitive people say this because Katelyn was a healthy baby it was something wrong with me that meant she couldnt continue to grow. It wasnt her at all.

Love Sarah

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Honesty Becc sometimes it feels as though you are reading my mind!!!

A police officer hey - good job but sounds like you cant just take a couple of hours off if you need it. Im sure that the thinking about going back to worse is actually doing it. I can say that because i have done it. You seem very strong so im sure you will get through it too. Let me know when you decide a date and i will send you all my positive thoughts on that day. The first day will be the worst and the rest will slowly get better.

Can i just say that Georgia has an identity to me. I know how much you loved her and im sure she was a beautiful child. I know what you saying about nobody askes what they look like. The only thing people ask me about Katelyn was how big was she. They are just being nosey about that though i think because she was so early.....I want to tell everyone about Katelyn too she was an individual person that deserves to be remembered in her own right just like Georgia does. Thats were naming your child helps i think.

Thanks for the advice about the photo i am going to try and look at it that way from now on - i will think we will feel this way again very soon when we are blessed to conceive another baby.

Love Sarah

Thanks Sarah O:)

It really does take another mother (who has lost a baby) to understand doesn't it? I guess that's why the girls here are able to support each other so much. It's an unfortunate bond to share, but one all the same.

I have a date for my return to work - 5 July. You will probably hear more freaking out from me as the day gets closer!

I almost forgot...I have a little woohoo. We got a date for settlement for our new house today. We will soon have our own home!

Anyway, have a great weekend. Chat again soon.

Becc,

5th of July - I am going to write that in my diary. Not to far away. Well done on taking the step to go back to work. Im sure it was very difficult for you. But i know you will make it. You can talk to me about it anytime you want. I totally understand and am there for you.

Excellent about the new house, Congratulations. When does it all happen?

Hope you have a good weekend too talk to you next week.

Sarah

Sarah - yep, the ol' "natures way" comment is pretty ridiculous isn't it. I know most people didn't mean anything by it, but it certainly doesn't make your loss any less significant! Would I have loved my babies any less had there been something wrong? The answer is no!!

Becc - yes I'm totally petrified 24/7. It's sad that I feel that way. I'm naturally a very anxious person by nature, but my experiences with PG obviously don't help how I feel and I continously worry that something will go wrong. It would be nice to wake up one day and feel good IYKWIM, as opposed to just downright scared. But yes, I am somewhat excited at the same time. I can't wait to meet our little tiger and hold him in my arms. It's less than 8w now which is just around the corner!

I just wanted to add something to what you said about people avoiding talking about Georgia. A lot of people avoided the issue with us too and I too can understand that most people really don't know what to say - I mean, let's face it, it's not a situation that most of us are confronted with on a regular basis so how on earth would they really know what to say?! But I think not saying anything is really awful IYKWIM....a simple "I'm really sorry for your loss" or sending you a card to this effect is WAAAY better than nothing at all. And at least then you know that they are feeling for you IYKWIM? It makes it a little less awkward for you too because you don't feel like you need to try and avoid the issue then as they have at least mentioned it....am I making sense? LOL That's how I felt anyway. I sometimes felt like screaming at people when they avoided the issue because it felt like they couldn't accept that I had lost a BABY - a life.....just because they couldn't see it didn't mean it wasn't real.

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Hi Sarah

I will keep my fingers croosed for you with TTC this month.

Sorry i have not been in to say hello but things have been a bit bad this last week.

Hope that you are doing alright i have been trying to keep up with what has been going on.

Hey Becc,

No you didn't come across as being too negative at all. It's fantastic to hear the wonderful things that people did for you both too. You are right when you say that there are some amazing people out there who do some wonderful things!! Some people can really surprise you too - people you least expect to do things for you or the people you least expect to hear from do really touching and thoughtful things - and they're the things that you never forget! So yeah, IKWYM about there being people who avoid the issue, but people out there who are simply incredibly kind and thoughtful!

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Hey Becc,

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

I really think you are right in terms of the fact that the people around you would know that life simply hasn't just gone on for you and that you are very much still grieving, but that it is hard to raise the subject as it is hard to know what to say. Death is a very difficult subject for many people.....a lot of people really don't have a lot of experience with it (thankfully) to really know how it feels to lose a loved one, let alone a child. I think you will probably find that if you do bring Georgia up to these people and start talking about her, they probably will feel like it's ok to talk to you about it....it can be hard for many people to know what to say and do at these times but if you give them an indication that you're willing and able to talk about her then they will probably feel much more comfortable in talking to you about her which will obviously do you the world of good too!

Hi All,

Tootie, Happy Birthday for yesterday.

Well i am really suprised at how i am feeling today. I have made a bit of progress this weekend i think.

I did the food shopping on my own this weekend which is an achievement for me. It is pretty scary going to the shops when you know that you will run into people (small town) so i have always made Row come with me. Anyway this week i felt like i could do it on my own so i did and nothing bad happened so that is good. Secondly i dropped into my MIL's when Rowan was there which i was sort of trying to avoid where possible since Katelyn's death (pretty much ever since she said that i have to be more positive next time because postive thoughts might change the outcome!!!) and i managed to get through that without feeling too uncomfortable and i made up with my mum so only small steps but i was feeling pretty good about myself.

The other thing that happened was i saw my friend who was due 2 weeks before me. I havent spoken to her since Katelyn died and i have been avoiding her because she is not the nicest of people sometimes, i am actually friends with her boyfriend and friends with her as a result of that. Anyway i only saw her from the car and she didnt see me but i was ok with seeing her big preggo belly. Yeah it hurt because last time we saw each other we were comparing belly sizes but i was ok. Luckily i wasnt in the shop though because that would have freaked me out. Rowan spoke to her and she didnt even mention Katelyn and i know that i wouldnt have been able to handle her in that situation.

Also i am feeling pretty positive about the whole ttc thing at the moment. Still upset that we have to go through it again (of course) but i feel that something will happen for us in the next couple of months so for the first time i am not worrying about when it will happen which makes a nice change. I have to be careful though it could be the calm before the storm IYKWIM.

Well Tootie hope you are feeling well, Becc Hope you are having a good day and Michelle, I am sorry that you have had a bad week i will try and catch some of your posts to get up to date with your news. Hope everything is ok.

Love Sarah

Hey Sarah

So glad to hear that you had a good weekend. :) You are sounding really positive - good to hear! Can I just say that it sounds like the steps you took over the weekend were much bigger than you seem to think. You overcame some pretty big hurdles and I think you should be proud of yourself! Seeing your friend and your MIL wouldn't have been easy. I'd like to know how you managed to bite your tongue when your MIL made the comment about the positive thoughts. That one blew me away. It's good to hear that you made up with your mum too.

I'm feeling pretty good at the moment too. I had a relaxing weekend with my DH. We saw the new Harry Potter movie yesterday - it was really good! I'm having dinner with an old friend tonight so that should be nice.

Hope your day is going ok.

Hey Becc,

Thanks for the encouragement.

I didnt really bite my tounge with my MIL, i got a bit angry (not really though under the circumstances) and said do you think that positive thoughts would have saved Katelyn. She then tried to back peddle a bit but she always does. She really loves me and i know that she tries but she just manages to put her foot in it all the time. After we had the D/S ultrasound she actually asked me if i would have got rid of the baby if something had been wrong.....i have always made my feelings clear on abortion - in that it would not be an option for me given what my mum went through. I thought at the time how can you look at a little picture of my baby and then ask me if i would kill it. Needless to say i wasnt impressed. The one other really bad thing that i can remember is her telling me what a wonderful husband i have after Katelyn died she kind of implied that Rowan is just amazing (which he is) but i was the one that gave birth etc etc and i didnt even get a mention.

GRRRR at the Harry Potter movie, we went to see it yesterday but it was sold out. I had got all ready watching the second one on DVD yesterday morning too. Glad that you had a good time and that it is worth seeing though.

Hope you have a nice time at dinner tonight. I really admire you getting out as you know it is something that i struggle with.

I have my OB appointment tomorrow to get more info on the Factor V Leiden from the guy who delivered Katelyn so it will be interesting to see what he says, even though i am very nervous. Not sure how i will go seeing the doc who was there at the worst time of my life again for the first time.

Well im glad that you are feeling pretty good at the moment.

Chat Later

Sarah

Sarah,

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Hopefully you will be able to get some more answers in relation to the FVL. It is only natural that you would be nervous about going to see the doctor. Seeing him will probably bring back a lot of memories for you. I was exactly the same when I went back for my 6 week check up with my OB. We had a lot of issues in relation to what had happened to Georgia and were of the opinion that he had been way too casual with me during my pregnancy. We knew that we were going to have to raise those issues with him and quite frankly, we were terrified that the appointment would turn into a confrontation. Once we got there however, we were able to raise our issues and discuss them calmly and rationally and we actually walked out of the building feeling much better afterwards.

I will be keen to hear how you go. Is Rowan able to go with you?

Dinner tonight should be ok. DH is coming too and it will just be the three of us. The friend is actually an old housemate of ours so we are fairly comfortable with her. We'll probably just go to a quiet little Italian restaurant and have some pasta and a nice bottle of red. Nothing too brave from me!

All the best for tomorrow. You will be in my thoughts. Chat soon,

Sarah,

Not sure what time you are going for your appointment today, but am thinking of you. Hope you're not feeling too nervous. Let us know how you go...

Hey Becc,

Thanks - you have lifted my spirits.

Yep i am officially panicking myself about the appointment. I dont even know why - he was so nice at the hospital its not like he is going to be any different. Maybe i am concerned about how i will react, if we will have enough time to discuss everything (i have about 10 zillion questions), will he agree and support me with taking the heparin, will he see me all the time next preg and the list goes on and on (2 pages actually) LOL. I also havent found out if the FVL came from my dad yet and he is going to ring late this arvo to find out?????

I am really ok this is just bubbling below the surface.

Unfortunately my Rowan cant go today. He is working in Margaret River and the appointment is about 1 hour 10 mins away in Bunbury and we only have the one car - he has a work truck.

I am ok to go on my own though and i will be going to see the chaplain after which will also be really good - probably means lots and lots more tears though. I cry just when i hear her voice because she was there through everything with Katelyn and is now a special part of my life.

Im glad that your appointment didnt turn into a confrontation you dont need that stress aswell.

How did dinner go? And i still think it is brave!

I wont be back today after my appointment (which is at 4) or tomorrow so i will update you on thursday.

Love Sarah

Hey Sarah,

LOL about the 2 pages of questions too! I was exactly the same. I don't think the OB quite knew what had hit him!

Seeing the Chaplain after your appointment sounds like a good thing to do. Even though seeing her will probably make you cry, a big cry will probably be just what you need. With all the tension and anxiety that is building up leading up the appointment a big bawl will probably be a great release afterwards! It's amazing how good a big cry can make you feel sometimes.

Dinner last night was nice. We did pretty much what I thought we would. (ie. Italian and a nice bottle of wine - well two actually!). It was actually really good to see our friend as she is one of those people who genuinely does care and when she asked how I was really going I knew she meant it.

Given how regularly we seem to find ourselves on here, I'd say we will chat again today before your appointment but just in case we don't, good luck. I'm sure you will be fine.

Hi Sarah

Glad that you had a good weekend.Hope you have any more good days.

Take Care and hope all goes well today.

Hi Becc (again)

LOL Maybe we should just get on msn messenger????

Glad you enjoyed your dinner. It does sound nice. Im glad that you were able to talk comfortably about Georgia with her. The chaplain suggested the meeting after. I had suggested it to be before the OB but maybe she knows better IYKWIM. She really is an amazing lady that cares so much. She lost a baby at 20 weeks about 23 years ago. So she knows exactly what i am going through.

Michelle.

Thanks so much, like Becc said i am sure i will be fine.

How are you going though? I have been thinking about you. Please come and vent to me if you need too.

I hope that you are going along ok.

Love Sarah

LOL. MSN Messenger isn't such a bad idea. (Except I don't know how! :oops: )