Baby Lost - Heart Broken (Factor V Leiden responsible)

Hi Sarah

Not sure why we have to wait so long.
I really did wan to try this weekend but i also want to wait till A/F. Like i said before i want that now but not next month.

Hope that you you do not have to wait to long to know what is going on and that you are pg this month or next as we are in July soon.

I will be thinking of you today. As the months go it should get a little better for you both. I just do not know what else to say as everything i think about your loss i think of my mum and how long she has been gone i will never forget her just like you will never forget your little girl. I still have my mums picture in our bedroom.

:hugs:

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Hey Michelle,

Its great that you still have your mum's picture in your bedroom. Im sure that she is looking down on you wishing that she could make things better for you at the moment.

I have Katelyn's picture and her cot that she was in with the blanket and teddy etc on my bedside table. I guess one day i will feel like i can just have her picture but not yet.

I know what you mean about should i shouldnt i try. The only thing i can say is that you will know in your heart what is the right decision. I started trying on about day 12 last cycle (not this one) so i guess that given the odds i should have been pregnant then (which is what is making me nervous about this month) but in hindsight i dont think that i was ready because on the day before we tested i had a massive freak out. I had an emergency appointment with my doc because i was so stressed over what was going to happen. I hadnt sorted out the treatment for FVl next preg.

Wishing you a happy day today.

Love Sarah

Hey Becc,

How are you doing today?

3 months is hard. Time is moving on whether i want it to or not.

The rainbows did make me feel a little bit at peace this morning too but the tears are still flowing all the time.

My OB hasnt called yet.....he said it might not be until this week so that is ok. I will let you know what he says when he calls.

I see that you are on messenger now - great, looking forward to chatting with you.

talk to you later.

Sarah

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Hi becc,

Sorry that you are having a bad day and you dont sound like a pity party. You have helped me through some rough times and i want to do that for you too. I am glad that you are being honest and telling me how you really feel because otherwise i cant try to help you. Also you need to get things off your chest.

You are extremely right to feel ripped off. This is exactly the way i described it to one of our midwives at the hospital. Other people dont deserve to have children more than you. You havent done anything wrong. I feel exactly the same about it being rubbed in my face. One of the girls at work talks about her baby who was born last august right in front of me and then trys to come and pretend that she cares. Also i never really realised how many prego people there are, now everywhere that i go they stick out like beacons in the night.

Well since you are on messenger now i will talk to you there.

Love Sarah

Hey guys,

Sarah - I'm thinking of you today. It must be very hard to reach such a significant milestone, and sadly there seem to be so many of them. I know that when my Dad died, I used to get really upset every Thursday - because that was the day of the week that he died. It used to make me so anxious and I'd find myself wondering what was going to happen to other people in my family, i.e. who was next? Sounds horrible doesn't it. Any milestone is significant and it's ok to feel extra down on those days. In fact, there are sooo many moments when I miss loved ones (sadly I've lost a few) and it really hurts and sometimes I worry how on earth I will get through the day without them, but somehow I do. I also try to tell myself that by me remembering them and allowing myself to cry, that it is a mark of respect, i.e. it's proof of just how much I loved and adored them, and there's no shame in that. I also think the rainbows are a beautiful sign - if you feel in your heart it was a sign to you, then that's how you should look upon it.

Becc - nope, it certainly doesn't sound like a pity party lamb chop! Everything you said in your post were feelings that I had too and it really made me so angry. Why on earth had this happened to ME? What had I done to deserve this? Anger is very much a part of grieving, so try to see it as a good sign, i.e. that you are moving through different phases of your grief. I think I said before that going through grief is really awful and there are so many different emotions to contend with, and this is just one of them. I've had a few meltdowns in my time thanks to seeing PG women and women with prams etc (and I mean I've had the odd meltdown in public places, although largely in the car or when I've come home from being out), so I do understand how it feels like it's being rubbed in your face. I used to try and tell myself that I didn't know these women or what they had been through in their lives and that they may have had as rough a journey as me, or quite possibly even worse, but even that didn't help me a lot of the time. I guess I was trying to rationalise the situation when I felt quite irrational IYKWIM?!?! LOL So as much as I know what I was trying to tell myself was right, i.e. how could I know what these women had been through to have their babies, I still felt ripped off and like they were walking past me deliberately, like they somehow knew what had happened to me (of course they couldn't, but YKWIM).

OK...waffled for enough me thinks....take care me lovelies.

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Becc,

Just wanted to say thanks for the chat today, sorry i couldnt stay around longer. We were really busy because of 30 june.

I am back online now or maybe i will catch you tomorrow.

Tootie feel free to get me on messenger if you want - kab2803@hotmail.com. You mentioned before that you would be up for a chat.

well chat later.

Sarah

Sarah,

No worries. I really enjoyed our chat - once I got the hang of things!! ;) I promise I will get faster!

I'm off to cook dinner for my poor starving DH now, but would love to chat again tomorrow...

Hope you have a good night.

Becc,

You were not that slow in the end LOL.

Hopefully chat to you tomorrow if you are around.

Hoping you have a good night.

Sarah

Becc- know exactly what you mean. I am having a few of those feeling ripped off and cheated days in the last couple of days, and I too have done everything right everytime, we even did a detox diet 4 months b/f we started trying, funny thinking about it really, what has happened to us would have happened no matter what and I sometimes wonder if anything makes any difference. I think the good thing that you can tell yourself is that you were not to blame- you did everything right and your baby was very loved. It is really hard when we see people around us who may not have even wanted a baby who are pregnant, when we all so desperately do. Just doesn't seem fair sometimes, but I guess that is life sometimes, that we are here to have experiences that we need to in this lifetime. I know that if I could turn back time, I would have to think about very hard about whether I would change things as I feel that I have been blessed by little souls coming to us (if only for a short while) and pregnancy, and that perhaps the next little soul who will come to us never would make if it we hadn't had our other losses. Hope tomorrow is a better day and hopefully you will not run into so many pregnant women, a huge challenge! No supermarkets. Re your three month comment- it was making me feel so much better as I was wondering why I am a mess at the moment, but it is only 2 1/2 months for us, can I use it as an excuse anyway? I know what you mean about feeling like a pity party, I feel like a bit of a miserable sod, and would really not be that much fun to hang out with at the moment, except that I might be good fodder for the "who has a long face" jokes. Here's to better brighter days, and good prospects of us being mums!

Sarah- well done for making it over the hump in one piece. I think the rainbows are beautiful, and if you feel a connection with them, I am sure they are a sign. It sounds like you really need some answers about where Katelyn is, and that she is safe and OK about you ttc again. I don't know what your values or beliefs are, but have you ever thought of seeing a clairvoyant or such the like? I know that I saw a spiritual counsellor after the loss of our moonbeam and it gave me so much peace, and she channelled some stuff from the little babies that had come to us, and said there was the one who will come to us next was with her also. She also told me about my Pa and some other spirits I had with me to help me in times like this, I only need to ask for help (which I am doing right now again and I need it). Whilst at some points this process may not sit well with me, I think it is really what I needed at the time, and it felt right. It sounds like you want some confirmation from another source about signs or messages that you are getting. I am happy to chat more if you want some more information.

Hi toots, tummy rubs for you and tiger.

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Hi,

Meg - Thanks for coming to post to me. I think that i am too scared at this point to see a clairvoyant. I have always been worried that they might say something bad.....Im glad though that you found a little bit of peace after moonbeam passed. That little bit of peace is sometimes a really hard thing to come by so i think that we need to take it anyway that we can get it. I just sent you a little note in the TTC forum asking how you are going. You are on such a hard journey but it must be nice to know that there is a little soul waiting in the wings with your little moonbeam.

Becc - I have to agree with both you and Meg about not changing anything. The only thing that we would all change is the outcome of our babies lives. I would gladly have all the pain that i have had over the choice of not having Katelyn at all. Her life was such a blessing in my life and i am so lucky to have had her with me for 18 weeks.

Well chat to you both later.

Love Sarah

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Well done Becc. That is a huge step and one that is so good to get over. It is so hard doing things that you did when you were pregnant. I had so many of those times- "the last time I was doing this I was pregnant", it is just a reminder. It sounds like you have a really supportive workplace which is fantastic.

Sarah and Becc, both of your comments re not turning back time were so beautiful, I had a little cry- not that it takes me much at the moment to have a little cry! I do feel blessed to have had little souls come into our lives. I hope we all soon get the opportunity to really get to know the little souls that come to us next, for many years to come!

I had a referral for a 9 week old baby today. It was so heartbreaking. The final diagnosis hasn't occured, but it is looking like this baby has a progressive disease and won't last past 12 months. Knowing how heartbroken I feel about our losses, I just couldn't start to imagine what this mother would be feeling, I don't know how she was holding it together. There are some truly amazing people around. You girls are also so inspiring the way you are managing things. I think that is the great thing about BB. Just when you are feeling really crap, you see how someone is dealing with change or difficult times, and you feel inspired by others courage and strength.

Hope Monday goes well for you Becc, go girl!

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Hi Girls,

Bec - well done on going into the office. As we have discussed this the first time is actually the worst.....well done also on going to lunch today another big step! How you doing otherwise?

Meg - I hope that you are going ok today. You really lifted my spirits with what you said about time. As becc said, what kind of work do you do - that must have been a terrible situation for you yesterday.

As for me, One of my closest friends rang last night and said that she is 8 weeks pregnant. I didnt talk to her as i was out having tea (with my work mates - a big step for me and it went well). So i will ring her today. But god it hurts. It is also made worse by the fact that she was due one day after Katelyn and she lost that baby when we were 9 weeks and then i had to tell her that i was pregnant then i lost Katelyn and now she is pregnant again. I am really happy for her but sad for me. Is this bad????

On the plus side i was telling my dad about my friend this morning and he said that he had a dream last night that i was pregnant again (I was with him when i found out on my mobile -ROFL) so hopefully his dream will come true. My AF is due tomorrow - [-o< stay away AF!

Sorry cant chat longer - we are having a system upgrade today and i dont know when i will be back on.

Hope you both are having a good day.

Love Sarah

Sarah

Hi, have obviously read your post now. Sorry, I had not seen it before. Sorry to hear that you are having a down day (hugs), will talk to you later hopefully.

thanks guys. Think I will stay in here today as finding something positive to say is a little challenging today. I work as a Speech Pathologist, communication and swallowing. Just having a few very hard days. Did an xray screen on the baby today and had to tell the parents he wasn't safe to feed orally and would need a tube and they were so devastated. Here I was at 5.45 with the dad asking me what the baby was going to die from first, starvation or not being able to breath. I also had one of my other clients in his late 30s with another progressive disease who had a respiratory arrest in intensive care, but is still hanging on (for now). I unfortunately went to see him when it happened. So all up, it was a fairly heartbreaking day and I decided I really don't get paid enough to do this! I think dealing with my own stuff about losing babies at the moments has made it that much harder, but I held it together and just have to make it through tomorrow to then be on holidays, and I don't think a break has been ever more needed than now, as I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with things.

Sarah- wishing you all the best and hoping that BFP will come. It is so hard when people around are pregnant. I hope that you friend is able to support you, having been in the same situation. I am sure that even though she might know all the right things to say, it is still hard. I know that I have found those situations difficult too- all my friends are falling pregnant and having smooth pregnancies and I have really needed to keep my distance because I just can't deal with it right now.

Becc- your thoughts re people talking about their babies, it is so natural to feel the way you do and you should not be hard on yourself for feeling like that.

I wish you both strength and courage as you meet new challenges each day. We need it on our journeys! Hopefully we will be the ones telling others about our pregnancies and talking about our babies in no time.

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Hi Ladies,

Meg, Im sorry you had such a hard day yesterday. I was saying to my husband last night that i just dont have any room in my head for anything else at the moment. I go to work everyday and do whatever it is that i need to do to the best standard but i am just not interested in it anymore. I find it very hard to concentrate on anything else for a long period of time so i cant imagine what it must be like to do your job. I think that you deserve a really big pat on the back and a huge hug for being strong enough to get through each day. You are an inspiration to me. Feel free to hang out in here with us anytime meg.

Bec, really nice chatting with you yesterday..... Hope that you are having a good day today. Secondly you were not raving on :) we have written way longer posts than that! It really helps to put things in perspective when we "talk" about them like this. Thanks for the reminder that we dont know what other people have been through. I know it sounds bad but i see other pregnant women and i just think that they dont know how lucky they are. Maybe they do.......sadly alot of people lose their babies and i must remember that.

Well hopefully talk to you both later.

Love Sarah

Bec,

How did you go at your appointment today?

I hope that you got all the info that you needed and that your doc was nice to you today!

Hope the BP has gone down.

Talk to you soon

Sarah

Hey Sarah, appointment went pretty well. Will try to catch you online for a chat...

ahhh feeling so much better after our weekend away and now we are on holidays, hooray!

Becc, sooooooo pleased that you have someone in your work who knows what you have been through. Even if she does have a child now, she sounds like she will be sensitive to how you are feeling. I have thoughts when I feel down and really don't want to see other pregnant women or people with babies, is that maybe they have had a journey that is much harder than me, and who is to say that someone who has had an easier journey to motherhood is any less deserving, because we often don't know people's stories. It is sometimes a little bit of a reality check for me when I feel a little hard done by, when you hear stories like that. Was Monday your first day back?

Sarah- hope you are well.

Hi Meg,

Very glad to hear that you are feeling more relaxed (and better in general) now that you are on holidays.

Enjoy every minute of quality time with your hubby!


Bec, Wondering how you are going today??? Thinking of you.


Love Sarah

Hi Bec,

I got your email from work today and i replied.

Just wanted to let you know just incase you didnt get my reply.

Sarah

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sending you enormous :hugs: becc. That would be so hard with someone beside you who is going to give birth soon. It is a constant reminder of your loss right now. I know I have had those feelings many times about"I shouldn't be here", that I should already be on maternity leave. It is very hard to focus on work as a result. I know I am thinking about moving jobs and I know it sounds silly, but part of it is that we have all these young women in the building who are recently married and I know it is only a matter of time before it is a baby boom. I find it hard enough as there is one woman who is due a week before our moonbeams EDD was, a constant reminder. I know what you mean about having to hold it together. I ended up taking a more time than I expected off after our last loss as it just took too much strength to hold it together and to not cry all day, it can be very draining when you really need to let it out. How flexible is your work about you starting part time- I know I went part time for a little while b/c I didn't have enough strength to hold it together for five days, that if I held it together for 1, I then needed to have another day at home when I could just cry if I needed to. Maybe you should see how you feel in a day or two, but maybe if you have an understanding boss you could change desks away from the preg woman and maybe do flexible hours. Do you have a job where you can do some work from home? I think you should be so proud of your efforts, that you have now made it through two days work, and don't be hard on yourself if it is hard to handle. Just take the steps that you are ready for, and if you find it is all to hard, take a step back, because you do really need to take care of yourself or it will take you so much longer to put things back together again. Please do ask for help from your boss if you need it- it is sometimes surprising how supportive and accomodating people can be. I sincerely hope tomorrow is easier for you and I am wishing you great strength to meet this challenge. Take care, and be kind to yourself. Once again, huge :hugs:

Sarah- how you do there, still hanging on. Hope you get your BFP this month.

Bec,

Huge :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: your way matey, can you feel it?

Well done for making it through your first day. That is such a huge and very difficult step so a big pat on the back coming your way.

I cant believe firstly that they would sit you anywhere near a pregnant women (about to give birth or not) and secondly she could be so insensitive to mention her baby at all! Im so angry at them for you right now!

I know exactly what you mean about suppressed emotions, in the poem that i keep meaning to bring in....it says that "my surviving mum wears a smile for others, a smile of disguise" it is so true.

Know that i am with you in spirit and please email me when you need to. Is there a quite place you can go off to at work for 5 or 10 minutes where you can be on your own and let a few things out. Just giving yourself a little bit of time might help.

When you said that you had to face the reality that this is your life now - i know that i said a very similar thing a few weeks ago. That is a very hard adjustment and the home becomes such a safe place.

Well i will email you also as i know you wont get this until tonight. I am assuming by the way that you wrote to me that we need to keep our email kind of secretive?

Wishing you a better day today Bec

Meg, How are the holidays going? I totally understand why you would want to think about changing jobs. Part time has definately helped me to "keep things together" lately. Well hope that you are having a very relaxing time at the moment and enjoy every minute of your time off.

Love Sarah

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Hey Becc,

I just wanted to pop in and say how proud you should be of yourself for returning to work and getting through a rough time. The first day is probably always going to be the worst and it clearly took its toll on you, but I'm glad you let those pent up feelings out as soon as you got outside. I'm pleased to hear that your 2nd day back was much better and I hope that it's a continuing trend.

Love and slobbers,

Hi Bec,

So happy to hear that you had a better day at work on Tuesday!

IKWYM about wandering eyes. Luckily my computer now faces a wall that and i sit in between it so nobody can see what i am up to!!!

I had a really bad day about Katelyn yesterday. It didnt really matter what i did (it was my day off so i was at home) i just seemed to cry and cry.....i guess it is just a really bad day and i am not reading to much into it. It just didnt feel very good that is all. But i am sure that you understand where i am coming from, it always feels the same on the inside its just how you show it on the outside that is different.

Meg, You around?? Hope you are still making the most of those holidays!

Well catch you guys later

Love Sarah

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Hi bec,

I emailed you at work this morning....thinking you were there, hope that wont get you into trouble.

I am feeling better today (even after bumping into my newly pregnant friend down the street!), i guess its just one of those days!

Yuk to nightshift - i agree and i havent even done it!

Im so so happy to hear that you feel you are going better at work! Do allow yourself to have some "down" time if you need it though.....you know what i mean, just thinking of you and the whole mask thingy.

I would love to say to everyone that i feel crap too and sometimes i do, depends on who it is, mostly though i just say that i am trying to get through it the best that i can....people just want the happy answer because they dont want to see you sad!

I cant believe that people dont quite recognise you. Everyone looks different when they are full term pregnant so i wouldnt take it personally. And as for what that guy said i would take it as a compliment! The ww must be going well for you then!

Im glad that you are going to pop into ttc today. I have been wondering how you are going on that front? How are you feeling about it all? and do you think you are in for a chance this month?

Well chat later, i am on here all the time today because i am kind of freaking out. Read my post in TTC and you will understand.

On a very positive note though, my dad's partner decided to give me a pay rise the other day as a suprise!!!!$5k a year!!! So i felt really happy (then felt guilty for feeling really happy!) for a change. It was a big compliment to my work and i hadnt asked for it!

Love Sarah

Hey Sarah

Congrats on the pay rise. Yay!! =D> It's nice to be recognised for your work. It's good to hear you are having a better day today too.

The email to work is fine. I will just get it when I go back to work next week.

I do know what you mean, and will allow myself the down time if I need it. There are places at work I can go and hide for a few minutes if I need to. I won't try to be too tough, LOL - it's just that I can be a bit stubborn sometimes and (depending on who I am around) I tend to keep my feelings private IYKWIM?

I have read your post in TTC and will reply to it there. Am thinking of you and sending :bluedust: and :pinkstick:

Bec,

So when are you back at work again. Even though night shift must be a pain it must also be nice to have the 5-6 days off i saw you mention elsewhere.

I know exactly what you mean about keeping your feelings private. That is so me, unless people ask i wont say and even when they do ask i usually give the one line answer i told you about before (unless it is someone on here asking LOL). Losing your child is such a private pain that is made worse by the fact that people dont really understand unless they have been there.

I only said about the down time thing because you have made huge steps lately and it is still ok to feel sad....sometimes i dont even know why i say these things.....i know that you know all of this. Its just because i care and know how hard i am on myself sometimes and i just dont want you to do the same thing. I do cry at work if i feel i need to. The trouble is a few of the people are nosy.....kind of like the reading over your shoulder thing. Hope i am making some sense here?

Anyway, wishing you a relaxing couple of days at home and sending you lots of :pinkdust: too when you are ready for it.

Talk to you later

Sarah

Hey Sarah

I do know what you mean. And don't worry, I know you say these things because you care! O:)

I'm back at work next Wednesday for one day shift and two nights. So I've got a few days between now and then to keep up with things on here!

Just wanted to pop in and say well done to you both. I think it is so important to recognise that you will have good and bad days and be OK with that, to not judge yourself for how you are feeling, to acknowledge the sadness and just let it be. I am very proud of you both. Hoping tomorrow is a good one.

Love Meg

Hi Girls,

No need to reply i just felt like posting under Katelyn's story because i hadnt in awhile.

I just wanted to say a few things out loud, like i said no replys necessary.

I just wanted to say how much i still miss my baby girl. Just because i am pregnant again none of those feelings about her have gone away. Being pregnant again has just made me feel more positive about where my future is heading and also that Katelyn will not be our only chance to ever have a baby.

She is still so precious to me and i think about her all the time. I still really really want her to be here even though i think i am slowly coming to terms with the fact that she never will be. Now i want her and little bean not one over the other.

Katelyn still holds such a special and huge place in my heart. We have such an incredible bond. She was my first born baby and she was perfect. This new baby is such a tribute to her that we are willing to go though whatever it takes to have some more of the happiness that we had in the to short time that she was with us.

I will miss Katelyn forever, i know that she lives on in my heart and the love i have for her will continue to be so strong. We will meet again one day - this cant be the end.