My DH has decided that he does not want us to have any more children. I did know that he was happy with what we had but we had decided that one more would be nice. Then i had the ectopic. It ruptured and the OB did really drill it into DH that if i had been anywhere else instead of the hospital OR i would have died.

But now i feel that all the rules have changed. I really really really want another baby and i have had it in the back of my mind that i would hopefully sometime soon get to hold another baby. Now i have all these feelings coming up. I dont want to end my reproductive life with this feeling of loss. I feel so empty. When i had my first MC all that kept me going was that i fell again quickly and had a beautiful little girl to hold. I have always been able to look back and think, if i hadnt lost that one i wouldnt have Evie...... I know its not right to not greive this one in the hope that i how have had another. I miss that one so much. Now i feel that i have to mourn the loss of never having another baby to hold.

I cant even let myself think about it and i know that people will say to just give him time, but he sounds so sure. Also we have always said that we would stop TTC in november so that there wasnt a huge gape between the kids, so if i give him time then times up. And i only have one tube so the time is halved before we start..

So so so sad.....